The Purging ( Monster Girl Encyclopedia Fanfiction ) (NSFW)

[classicdrogn]

Well... I'm going to be honest, it's kinda bad. Don't get discouraged though, no one is born knowing how to write, or sing, or draw, or dance, there's only quitters and the people who didn't give up before they got good, and the only way to improve is to keep on working. With that in mind, you get the Sephiroth Special heartless nitpicky omnislash proofread edit, and some commentary on the structure and plot.

First though, I suggest adding a "NSFW" warning to the topic title for those less familiar with MGE, since even without any explicit lewds so far there's words included that could trip filters and get people in trouble at work.

In general, online fiction should have an extra line between each paragraph due to the lack of indentation making them run together and become hard to read, with a small separator such as "- - -" for scene breaks where you would leave an extra line in more formally printed material, as multi-line gaps are only haphazardly preserved across different boards or hosting sites. Some will also unwrap lines with only a single carriage return instead of a double space together into a single giant blob, as well. Fanfiction.net in particular is infamous for stripping formatting and special characters and anything that even vaguely resembles a URL, and even if you're not planning to host it there it's better to get into the habits that will make for the least hassle for later projects or if you change your mind later.

Of course, anything I say here is merely my own opinion and I tend to overuse commas and run-ons in my own writing, so watch out for that if you do decide to adopt any of my more extensive suggestions.

Them's fightin' tunes!

Estuans interius, ira vehementi! SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH!

Prologue

In a heavy forest, lys

lies

a small farming village. It at first looks like a scrawny, dying human community to the average passerby. The Order of The Cheif God

Chief (possibly Chef, since magical food seems to be a big thing...)

Also, I suggest either naming the god or adding an "of" so it's The Chief of Gods since it's a formal title for the organization, unless you really did mean The God of Chefs. King of Gods would be the more customary form but there's nothing technically wrong with Chief, or with just fixing the spelling and otherwise leaving it as is.

and the village itself know better. The village in name, Springbrool, has

Suggest: "The village, Springbrool, has..."

What does "brool" mean in this context? As odd as town names sometimes sound, they are generally just compounds of archaic or foreign words and/or names.
Ex: Doodstil, Netherlands, means "dead quiet," any place ending in "-ton/-ston/-town/-thorpe," etc.

access to some of the most fertile land in the Order territories, thanks to its

+1 point for correct use of "its!" Yes, this is a pet peeve of mine.

secluded location in the forest. The people of Springbrool adapted to their

Suggest: "had adapted to"

location. The villagers became skilled at the cultivation of many foods, and because of the land's nutritious and moist soil, allow the farmers to grow high grade foods in high quantities. The farmers even created a method to charge the food with mana, not seen anywhere else in the Order Territories.

If this is a real advantage, even if it just means the food will support someone with smaller portions or doesn't spoil for longer, it must be either very recently developed, or dependent on some natural phenomenon that only happens in the area and cannot be shifted elsewhere for this to be true. In the medieval style setting of the kind of high fantasy assumed for MGE, even something as minor as that would be a significant military advantage since it would mean you could feed more soldiers from the same supply train. Even if it was a brand new thing, Springbrool would immediately become a major strategic asset, and would either see heavy reinforcement and a push to move the frontier well beyond it or come under serious assault from outside interests wanting to sieze it for themselves.

The Order has taken atvantage

advantage

of the village, of course. Caravans regularly visit Springbrool to buy its farming goods, at very generous prices. The people of Springbrool don't mind, because they need every last peice

piece

Mnemonic: I before E except after C, or when sounding like A as in "neighbor" and "weigh," and on weekends and holidays, and all throughout May, so always check twice no matter what you say.

Weekends, holidays, and the month of May are of course lies, added for the sake of humor to help it stick in your mind.

of gold to pay for defenses and weaponry. Forest monsters also set their eyes on Springbrool for its astonishing farmland and, especially, the mana charged crops. Slimes, amazons, dark elves, and other forest dwelling monsters tried capturing Springbrool to seize its magical foods, but its citizens have also took up the art of self- defense.

had also taken up the art of self defense

Springbrool had defended its crops for ages, but the monsters will soon destroy that impressive record. The monsters could never foresee the rise of a new hero from that village.
A Hero who will forever influence the world.

You switched tenses here, which is extremely hard to avoid while writing or even to pick up when proofreading without doing a specific read editing pass only to look for it. There's also no reason given for why the status quo would be changing, even taking what I wrote above into account. "Hero" shouldn't be capitalized there either, even if it's a formal title that someone might be addressed by in the local culture like "doctor" it would still only be capitalized when being used as part of an address. "Hello and welcome, Hero Johnathon!" yes, "Jonathon is a true Hero!" maybe in that case, "Oh dear! Quick, is there a Hero in the audience?" or even "Thank goodness you're here, Hero!" no.

With those points in mind I suggest expanding the last lines a bit, to something like this:

Springbrool had defended its crops for ages, but increasing pressure as new groups of hungry monsters kept moving into the area was threatening to destroy that impressive record. Yet the monsters had never foreseen the rise of a new hero from that simple village... a hero who would forever change the world.

Sors immanis, et inanis! SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH!

This part is entirely written in the present tense, which while not technically wrong will throw some readers off. I won't comment on it further unless you slip into another tense, however.

Chapter 1

"Yes...YES! I've finally figured it out!" I loudly exclaim.
My mom scurries into my room, with a concerned expression on her face. Well, I can't really blam

blame

my parent. Anyone would have thought I was some sort of mad scientist who solved a new equation.
" Johnathon? What in the world are you talking about?" She asks.

no space after the opening quotation mark (this is a consistent error you should fix on each line, so I won't mention it again either) and the identifier tag is considered part of the same sentence so "she" should not be capitalized

I proudly explain my invention that will greatly benefit the Order.
" You know how we folk at Springbrool supply the Order with our one-of-a-kind, magical foods? I just came up with a new way to greatly assist the Order. The

It's not technically wrong, but the closely spaced repetition of "greatly ___ the Order" reads awkwardly. I recommend cutting the first line short at "invention" since the rest of the idea is included in the dialogue.

monsters can transform us humans into more of their kind, right? I just realized how its

it's

it's = it is
its = belonging to it

all done. Me and everyone

technically, this should be "I and everyone," but it's allowable in dialogue as most people do not talk like they have a grammar textbook shoved up their exhaust port. The rule is, always write it the same way you would if the identifiers were separate, except for number-dependent forms of is/are/am/etc. Example:

Me am sensitive to magic (no)
I am sensitive to magic (yes)
Everyone is sensitive to magic (yes)
∴ I and everyone are sensitive to magic (yes)

Magic affects you (yes)
Magic affects me (yes)
Magic affects I (no)
∴ Magic affects you and me (yes)

I'd like to say it's "I" when the narrator is the subject of the sentence and "me" when they are the object but I'm not entirely sure that's always true, and just separating it into two statements to see how they sound is the easiest way to test it anyway.

at Springbrool are sensitive to energies and magic, thanks to training.

suggest: "to our special training."

I sensed strange energy being radiated off of the monster

suggest: "strange energy radiating from the monster"

prisoners. It felt evil and wicked. But

wicked, but

This is one place where it's definitely not my run-on tendency speaking, "thing, but other thing" is always a single sentence and beginning with "But" is always wrong.

when I feel energy on a human, it feels so pure and clean. Then, I realized how corruption works. The

suggest: "works: The"

monsters flush out our energy and replace it with theirs, giving birth to a monster. I opt to do the opisite; flush out the monster's energy..."

"opt" is very awkward here, I suggest "plan" or "propose" or "think we/I/etc. could"

Also, "opposite," and that should be a colon rather than a semicolon.

Um. Given that this is Monster Girl Encyclopedia, you should probably be clear: does a human infused with monster energy get impregnated and produce a baby monster, are they directly transformed into a monster, or both? At minimum, it sounds like this works on both men and women, so I hope it's one of the latter two...

" And create a human..." My mother finished.

Despite what autocorrupt will try to do, this is a case where the initial word should not be capitalized ("and," though "my" should also not be capitalized) since it's completing the statement that trailed off into an ellipsis. Also, shouldn't MC's mom be more excited about this, given the next line?

thus: "... and create a human!" my mother
if not using an exclamation point: "... and create a human," my mother

I saw probably the most pleased, joyful smile crept on her face. Next thing I know, she's reeling in for a hug.

"pleased" and "joyful" are redundant, I suggest switching "radiant" for the first. Also, "reeling me in"

" Johnathon, this is the most wonderful idea you've ever formed! The possiblies

possibilities

of this knowledge is limitless! Monster repeling

repelling

armor, reversing corruption..."
Monster repelling armor doesn't seem that connected to me, while reversing corruption is specifically what MC was talking about... also, this runs into the second big plot hole. If the sensing ability is a trained skill that everyone (or at least everyone local) has, how is it possible no one has noticed this before? Did they never manage to take monster prisoners until now? does MC have some special talent for sensing that makes him the first person who can sense the nature of the power rather than just its presence and/or strength? Did he unwittingly do something different that unlocked a new refinement of the skill, or practice it hundreds of times longer than anyone had previously bothered to?

If others have been able to sense the nature of monster magic versus human magic, how is it no one else has thought of making armor (or more usefully, a fence or area of effect) that repels monsters before, or of draining a monster's magic and replacing it with human magic to try to reverse transformation, or just draining it and using it to power some other effect?

She began to sound like an excited 10 year old,

As a rule of thumb, if it takes less than three words you should always write out numbers rather than using numerals in prose. It's not a hard and fast one, but for single word numbers you should always use the text.

zero through twenty: always
thirty through ninety by tens: almost always
two words, like twenty eight or forty thousand: probably
three words, like four hundred five: probably, unless it includes a -teen or -ty
four plus words or including -teen/-ty, like twenty eighteen or five thousand eight hundred seventy two: just use the digits

Aside from that, more description please. How does Mom normally talk? What's different? Does her voice turn into an excited squeak, get breathless, does she rush to get all the words out or stumble over some of them because she's already moving on the the next thought? You should probably also include a few more of the possibilities in her line to give it a proper babbly feel.

but I can understand. I can create all sorts of spells and gear that can easily fight of

off

the corruption. Especially reversing corruption. That's why I became so amazed at this.

This is a badly fragmented idea that's not so easy to patch back together into proper sentences, but as internal dialogue it's probably excusable. It would still be better if you can fold the "especially reversing corruption" fragment back into one of the other sentences, though.

Once a human coplates

copulates

with a monster, he's not a human any more. Now, I can give men and women a second chance to live life to their fullest. And most of all, I could have done this way before my relavation.

revelation

Why can someone not live their life to the fullest as a monster? Some of the MGE entries are innately stupid or lack mobility, hands,. or senses compared to humans, but most of them are just a different flavor of people, or at least pornworld people given the usual dietary specifications.

I'm not your traditional magician. I can freely manipulate the flow of energies, as with all farmers here, but that's it. That's what creates the magic charged foods. We force the mana inside the goods, adding al

all

If that's all there is to it, why is Springbrool the only place people have figured out how to produce them?

sorts of benefits, like lengthened life spans and increased nutrition. I could probably do the same to a corrupted human. Pulling out the monster mana can't be that hard, right?

If the difficulty of performing a purge is intended to be a plot point, Mom should probably know about it and explain that it's why no one has done this really obvious thing before - they tried, but failed. If not, again, why has it not been tried?

A loud knock rang on the door. I quickly answered it, knowing who it was.

how?

The Order considers our mana foods as an incredibly precious reason,

resource

and pay very handsomely for it.

The man in question was fully

suggest: "The visitor was a man fully..."

covered in knightly armor with embroidered Order crosses. He held a massive hailberg,

halberd(?)

also with crosses.

suggest: "also engraved/decorated/inlaid/etc. with"

In his other hand was a large, heavy looking sack. Gold!

How does MC know? If it's just a case of standard high fantasy coinage, "a heavy looking sack of coins" would probably be better. If gold coins are the normal currency for trade at their economic level, it's probably not that exciting to get another customer.

This brings up another point: Where exactly have MC and Mom been having this conversation? Is it a living area in their home? If so, why is some dude randomly walking up to knock on their door to buy stuff? Is it a shop, produce cart, or shopfront area attached to their home? If so, why does a customer need to knock in the first place?

If it's during working hours, why are they idle enough to be yacking about wild ideas in the first place, rather than one of them trying to attract customers in a market area and the other doing the extensive labor required for farming, or at least concentrating on infusing something with mana to sell? What do they even sell, glowing blue potatoes, baked goods, dried herbs and mushrooms? More setting narratation, please!

I couldn't see his face from his suit, but I remembered that these guys can't let our goods fall into the wrong hands.[/quote]
These two clauses don't seem connected in any way. If anything, not being able to see the dude's face should make MC ask for his identity, if controlling who gets their products is considered so important. Also, who is "the wrong hands" aside from (presumably) monsters, who the MC can sense by their corrupted energy?

I almost missed you slipping into past tense here. It should be "can't" and "remember," and so on for the rest of the scene as well.

" I am Captain Periwinkle of Herefoster. I reqest of

request a supply of

How much? How many people are going to need to live on the supply, for how long?

your special goods for my caravan." He formally asked.

caravan," he

" Yes sir." My Mom quickly replys.[/quote]
sir," my mom quickly replies.

She opens up a closet with a brown sack, holding our goods.

Just one? Is it a tiny closet, or more likely a cabinet or cubbyhole, or are MC's faily now out of wares to sell? Is that good, the end of a busy day, or bad, they've had a poor harvest or some disaster ruined their supplies? Is it just time to trudge down to the cellar and bring up a new load of glowing blue potatoes to restock?

She hands the food sack over to the captain, who quickly drops his sack for ours.

Just... drops it? Like on the floor? On a counter? In MC or Mom's hand? At a minium, you should probably switch that for "trades" or "exchanges," but soe more description and probably some kind of record keeping like writing out a receipt would probably be good, here.

" Thank you for the transaction, miss. Keep the gold." Periwinkle says

gold," Periwinkle says

Wait, what? No haggling, not even counting to see if he's got more or less than the asking price in the (assumed) coin sack, or weighing the pieces if it's nuggets or bars? How is this guy a successful caravaneer if he's so careless with his finances? Of course, he's pinging a bunch of "hidden bad guy" vibes and is probably actually a Dullahan with gender-concealing armor or something, but presumably the act is convincing enough not to arouse suspicion.

[/quote] before strolling out. Although he was a little monotone, I could help but think that he was beaming under that helm.

The captain is adruptively [/quote]
abuptly

interrupted by a panicky farmer who just ran through the main gate where the caravan lies.

not technically wrong, but "is waiting" would probably be better than "lies."

" Sir! Sir! B-Blue skinned d-demons are a-aproaching!" He reports before runing [/quote]
"a-approaching" and "running"

off in terror.
Everyone one else in Springbrool must've heard the news, because the people started preparing in their own ways. Some took out weapons some formal and others improvised farming tools. Others ran through the gates holding barricade supplies, and others... took cover in their homes.

awkward, and the tense shifted to past again. I suggest:

Those who are fighting fit begin to prepare, some with actual weapons and others improvising with farming tools. Others gather up heavy items to build a barricade at the gates, while everyone else hurries to close shutters and doors to shelter in their homes.

" Men, unhook those horses. This farming village is an important asset for the Almighty, and we can't let it fall into the enemy's hands. Now!" The Captain barks.

Now!" the captain

The two other soldiers, who have the same gear as their leader, disconnected their horses from the caravan wagon and mounted them. The horses are were

disconnect
mount
remove: were

just as prepared for war as their jockeys, with pure white armor that reflected the sunlight.

I was about to join the upcoming battle, but my mother quickly pulled me back and inside and shut the door.

pulls me back inside and shuts

" Johnathon, I can't lose you to the monsters."

should have an identifier tag, and preferably a bit of description for Mom's tone. Is she afraid? Angry? Distracted?

" You never said that during the last monster raids."

Again, even with only two people left in focus, you should tag the speakers most of the time. How is MC taking this? Is he confused, angry, saddened by a lack of trust in his abilities or reasoning?

" You can't fight this battle. You must get to Herefoster and spread the word of this knowledge of energies. It will far more assist the Order than the foods."

assist the Order far more

I couldn't believe it. My mother would send me to a city just to spread an idea. But the world needs this idea. Humanity needs it.
" I'm ready." I say.

With the same character thinking and speaking, it should usully still be the same paragraph. I also suggest changing the period after "idea" to a question mark, to give it a little more variation in voice.

My mother hands me fruit and a map leading to the city.
" The food will help you in a pinch. Now go!"
My mother reopens the door.

same as above, but also, just one fruit? A sack, net, bundle, or basket? Are they fresh, candied, jellied, dried? What kind(s) of fruit? Does she get it from the same closest/cabinet/cubby/etc. as what they sold to Capt. Periwinkle, or is this something different?

" I'll change the world forever, mother." I say before runing

mother," I say, before running

out the door and through the gate. I didn't care what the people said as I sped through the gate. If I was lucky, I could put a stop to the demon horde before it even reaches the walls.

Wait, so, did MC just totally blow off what Mom told him and run at the incoming attackers alone? Did he at least grab a sword or something first? A spear, a hoe, a pointy stick? Some armor, or magical supplies? How does he get past the barricade? Does anyone shout at him to come back, don't be a fool, you'll die or worse, get cooties? They'll fluoridate your precious bodily fluids!

Are any of the other defenders in armor, or just the three knights? Some kind of heavy leather jacket, work apron, helmet? Wearing a sauce pan on their head at least?

Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias! SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH!

Chapter 2

A horde of demons trudged through the forest towards Springbrool.

You've switched back to past tense here. I prefer it in general, but you should keep the whole story in one, so either this needs to be corrected to present, or the previous post should be made all past tense as well.

The demons didn't care about the mud getting in their leather lingerie-all what mattered to

lingerie - all that mattered to them was

the promise of a new husband. Their two commanders, on the other hand, wanted the village for more strategic reasons. The two in question is a succubus as pale as snow, and a childish baphomet far more skimpy than the demons.

I'm not sure what you mean by "far more skimpy." Is she wearing even less[/] than the succubi in lingerie? In things that are more ragged? Is it that she's thinner/more starved looking than they are?

" I can't believe the humans picked up the mana charging trick just now. Clever, but we monsters have been doing it far longer." the baphomet chatted.

longer," the

The prologue said that Springbrool had been defending their crops for ages, though. Do monsters have a different sense of time than humans, on the level of decades or centuries to years?

" But remember, my goat, those humans carelessly waste their food magiks.

I'm not going to razz you for using a Special-K spelling for intentional, stylistic reasons, but every previous instances have been the standard "magic" rendition. Or maybe Sucker-Bet here is just a chuuni-goth edgelord... being described as "pale as snow" (and a succubus in the first place) does hint in that direction, unless it's late spring residual snowbank snow or the huskies have been out for walkies recently.

Why charge their foods with bland spirit mana when you can ink it in my mother's beautiful energy? All their deepest, darkest, dirtyest dires

dirtiest desires(?)

can be finally unleashed! The humans can ditch their tedious farming lives for laid-back ones with their lewd monster wifes!" the succubus said.

wives

So... if monster girls' husbandos live lives of porny leisure and captured women are turned into monster girls who spend their time a) with thier husbando or b) picking on the free-range hummies, why is anyone even fighting against them? I... may not be the target audience for a reverse-conversion fic, I admit. My general opinion of humanity is pretty low even without readily available corrective treatments or alternatives. Is it the religious thing? I generally don't understand or do religious things.

" Or their little sisters!" the baphomet chimed in.

" Eh... I can think about your Sabbath later."

"Why?" Baphomet whined.

" I've only brought my most lavious denons

lascivious demons

with me. We're not back out

not going/trekking/hiking all the way/schlepping back out

of this forest for your witches. No way will I muck up myself and my demons! We've got to look our best for our new hubbies!"

Just a few lines back, they didn't care about the mud and grime...

"But children can be lewd to!

too

You just need to get that stupid "children are innocent"

should be single quotes here since it's already inside double quotes

crap out of their heads and, trust me on this, can be just as dirty as a succubus in Royal Makai! Mimiru proves that! And who even needs such a well developed and endowed bodies like your kind? An army of cute witches sounds why more pleasuring

way more pleasant(?)/appealing(?)/pleasing(?)

than an army of demons with ugly curves and ugly boo.."

boobs(?)

I suggest mixing up the adjective more rather than repeating "ugly," and maybe finding something less commonly considered positive than "curves." "Fat butts and flabby boobs," maybe?

I'm not entirely comfortable with characters extolling the glories of lolis, to be honest, but she could also say something like "Any more than a handful is a waste!"

" Cease this childish bickering, Baphomet!" the succubus roughly snaps.
The adrupt lack of a sueductive[/quote]
abrupt
suductive

[/quote] tone quickly shuts up Baphomet. The succubus is a seen as a higher ranking monster by the demon lord, so Baphomet knows her place. Also, the demons gave her an exasperated glare, not unlike a parent would give to arguing children.

" Yes, Laby Druella[/quote]
Lady

...unless it's a porny pun on drooling labia, which would actually be funny but needs a proper set up to work.

..." Baphomet meekly replies.

" Good, my obedient goat." Druella comments with her temptive

tempting(?)/temptress(?)

tone returned.

The demons continue to push forth.

***

I keep running through the forest. I've been running for hours, but my magical fruit helps replenish my stamina. At this point, I really don't care avout

about

getting to Herefoster.
I may run into the demons soon, and I can't let them detroy the village. I'm also suspisous

destroy
suspicious

If the demons were hours away all this time, why was everyone running around like they only had minutes to get ready before? How did Mr. Panic find out about them, at that distance through a forest? Did he run ahead somehow? How? Why was he still panicking hours of mind-numbingly exhausting travel later? If Herefoster is in that direction, why wouldn't he have run to the larger settlement with lots of guards for help, instead of a farming village that had only three knights in it and only by chance as caravan esscorts? If that direction is deeper into human territory, how did a bunch of monsters get that far in, and which way would be "back" to pick up Baphney's witches? Do they live secretly in Herefoster or something?

(A group of witches is a coven, BTW, a Sabbath is an event.)

that there is something new about this attack. Previous monster attacks have been pretty small, but I've got a hunch that the monsters will try to seige us.

"besiege" or "lay siege to"

Why does MC think this? Have other settlements had major attacks lately? How is a force big enough to lay siege to anything moving through a forest without getting scattered into uselessness anyway? By the nature of a siege, you need a lot more attackers to cover the perimeter and prevent a breakout than the defenders to cover their shorter inner perimeter. A small farming village wouldn't have defenses strong enough to keep a determined force out long enough to count as a siege anyway, even assuming a walled town center rather than farmhouses scattered across the fields.

My fear is confirmed when I sensed it.
Demonic energy. Lots of it coming straight ahead.
While I was a tad bit... okay, alot

a lot = a large amount
allot = assign to

scared. These monsters could take me away forever as their husband, and I'm not even legal age! (13 to be exact)

thirteen

Really not a concern in medieval times, and seldom much of one in high fantasy...

... I'm sure Baphney approves anyway. A cute shota husbando for her cute loli witches!

I would never see Springbrool again.
But this was also a moment of opportunity. I could see if my theory works. And if it works, then it may be the greatest achievement in mankind's history. Purging corruption. I just had to try it!
So ran to the source of the corrupted mana, eager to test my ability.

***

As I approahed

So I ran
approached

the horde, I could feel the demonic energy getting more intense.
I was closing in.
At this point, goosebumps were all over my body, and I was (kinda) shivering. Something inside me told me not to continue. I had a feeling something would go horribly would go wrong if I continue.

go horribly wrong

Note: tense shift to past again beginning here and carrying on for quite a ways.

At the same time, I felt a different feeling. A feeling telling me to go towards the horde and test my theory...
Yes! I'm going straight ahead!


I ran into a large clearing in the forest, with sunshine beaming down. I missed the sun's feeling, but I remembered what was ahead of me. A large horde of of succubi with strangly

strangely

[/quote] blue skin and eyes as red as the thickest of blood. Their attire was also strange compared to other succubi I met, with leather boots and bikinis all in a sinister shade of red and maroon. What freaked me out most was the eyes. Jemstone[/quote]
Gemstone

Weren't the succubi in lingerie earlier? Granted, leather boots and bikinis are more practical for hours-long hikes... [i]slightly. They're less likely to snag on a thorny bush and tear or be stained into ruin by mud and greenery at any rate.

eyes were on the demons' clothing, in that satanic shade of red and with snake-like silts. The demons all focused on me, with such unblinking and beastly eyes. Those eyes told me I was dealing with sexaly disurbed

sexually disturbed

succubi here. I wasn't feeling arosed

aroused

Seriously? Not at all? I can still remember some pretty sexy linoleum patterns from when I was thirteen...

by these foes.
I felt one think: Eeeeeek!

"thing" or "thought"

You're actually making me feel bad for the succubi... forced to trudge through a foredt for hours and get all covered in ick that isn't even sexy, on top of being starved into a nymphomaniac frenzy, and then when they do finally meet a human boy he's not even turned on by them!

... don't succubi usually have wings, or the power of magical flight? Maybe not in MGE, I'm more used to the Disgaea version.

Infront of the insane demons was a a duo of more sane looking monsters. A succubus so pale that you'd think she'd been half starved for death and a... HORNED MONSTER CHIlD!?!? What business does that kid have with these sexally crazed demons?

in front
CHILD
sexually

I firsted asked the succubus, who seemed like a leader figure, about the demons.

first

Why are they not dogpiling MC like... well, a bunch of sex-starved succubi catching a whiff of a male?

" W-What have you done to those demons?" I asked, a little afraid for an answer.
The Succubus heaves a wicked laugh.
" You ask about my demons? Well, you're a curious fellow!"
The way she talks sounds so carefree. Does she feel no remorse?
" These succubi... Well, I just made sure these few didn't get any semen for a few days. Makes 'em real hungry for sexy men like you!" She giggly said.

said with a giggle

Also, not to be insulting, but a barely-teen who probably hasn't even started his growth spurt yet might count as cute, and for some even sexy, but "man" is a few years off at best.

Okay I was really freaking out in the inside. That succubus is crazy if she starves her own people just to prepare them for monster raids. And she wants to send these clearly disturbed and sexally starving demons to Springbrool?!?! That child seems really quiet on the other side. Probably relizes how insane this woman is.
On the outside, I'm fuming with my fists clenched and teeth grited.

sexually
realizes
teeth clenched/grinding

" Acting tough, are you?" She taunts.

you?" she

" You need to learn how to obey, and my girls will teach that. You! get him!"

You! Get him!

She points towards me and a demon lunges straight for me! She's baring an extremely demented smile.
I reflexively grab the closest body part( No

part (No

way am I saying it. Too embarrassing!) and the demon lets out a squeal.
I try to ignore the squealer as I work my magic. The monsters[quote]
monster's

Why is everyone else just standing around like a bushel of lemons while MC works his decidedly-not-bedroom magic? Just how many monsters are there, anyway?

[quote] demonic energy starts pooling on my hands as an purple inky substance. The demon stops squealing and she starts squirming. I squeeze down harder to keep her under control which starts more of that annoying squealing. Those leaders must kniw what I'm doing, because their faces look horrified.

know

" Holy Crap! Is he turning her into a human?" the child erupts.
The demon soon passes out with a pained gasp and falls to ground.
I flick off the demonic ink as a miracle happens.
The woman's blue skin fades into a more human tone. Her horns, clothing,wings,

clothing, wings

Why would the clothing be affected? What did it turn into?

Again, why would all the other lust-crazed monster girls just stand there and let this happen, rather than grabbing MC and ... disrupting his concentration? Nudge nudge, wink wink.

and tail follow and...
A human lys on the ground!

lies

" Yes! It worked! It worked!" I shout out as happy as I can be.
The succubus and child look absolutely scared out of their minds.

" NO!!!!" the succubus shouts out. She completely broke out of character and sound like a whiny bitch.
" YOU WILL NOT FOIL MY PLANS! I WILL CORRUPT YOU INTO A MINDLESS SLAVE!"
She lunges for me, but the child squeezes on her tail. [/qoute]
Why? Okay, so they don't get along that well, but isn't Lil' B afraid of getting creamed (in a bad way) by the higher-ranking, presumably more powerful demon for disobedience, or by their boss?

[quote]Suddenly, her rage is dispelled and falls straight on the mud.
I can't help but chuckle.
" Warp us away Baphomet... Along with the human women..." She says meekly.

women..." she

So... MC reverted the entire raiding party at once, except for the leader and lieutenant? It was only one of them, before.

The child creates a huge magical circle under all the demons. She then smiles at me.
" You got some impressive..."

"...fruits in that sack of yours~♥!

Her comment is cut short.
" Do NOT compliment him!" The succubus barks.
" Y-Yes mistress..." The Baphomet replys.

replies

The demons are all warped away, leaving no trace of their existence.
I don't care if they got away.
Springbrool is safe.

But weren't they all turned back into human women? Assuming they were, originally, rather than natural born demons. Does that mean MC just abandoned an unknown-presumed-ten-plus women to be hauled back into the life of demonic sex fiends enslaved by even crueler, more powerful demons? I suppose they weren't human long enough to really get upset about it, but it seems like a letdown ending to have them all get whisked away instead of Lil' B only portalling herself and Drusie back so it could be a successful rescue as well as a successful test of the reverse transformation.

Couldn't MC have tried, I dunno, swinging his magic rod and blasting the leader duo with white-hot Relampago Fuerte or something?

As a general comment, these are probably not long enough to stand on their own as story parts, especially the single-paragraph-plus-a-line prologue. Writing a few hundred words may feel like it takes forever and a major accomplishment, but you should aim for 1500-2500 words as a minimum for a post. They are at least whole scenes and a reasonable introductory arc as a whole, so that's better than some stuff I've seen passed off as "complete" fic elsewhere. (coughcough pitofvoles cough) I tend to hold that chapters should have their own complete structure with a beginning, rising action, climax, and resolution like a TV episode, but can admit that it's objectively better to produce a small amount of material consistently than get bound up in that kind of worrying about length and not get anything done. Like me.

Hopefully, my comments here are helpful, rather than having impaled your will to keep writing on an improbably long katana. Goodness knows I have no room to throw stones as far as actually producing story posts is concerned.