Any "like to cook" foodies here?

[Dartz]

Steak. Proper fucking pan-fried steak. Nothing beats it.

Start with the cow. Something marbelled - that came from close to the bone or still has it's bone. I like rib eye. And it has to be a proper Cow - not some fucking antibiotic and grain-fed hormonal American cow. This thing once lived in a field, ate grass for those times of the year grass was available,a te silage when it wasn't and isn't so overloaded with artificial hormones that it starts messing with your moods .

It's a cow. And nothing but. A good butcher should have plenty of proper cows.

Take your cuts of beef home, put them on a plate. Season with salt and pepper. Both sides. Add nothing else. Leave them in the fridge overnight. If you feel like it - flip them in the morning so the juices don't all settle on the one side.

2 hours before cook-time, take your cut off beef out and leave it beside the cooker to warm to room temperature. Go for a pint. I recommend a good hearty pint of Guinness. Maybe 4 or 5 - 2 hours is enough to get that down into you and work up the appetite.

Get the deep fat fryer heating. Fetch your chips. Maybe get some onion rings too. I like oven-baked potatoe waffles that can be dipped but that's just me. Either way, you need to time it right because next part has a very defined timeline.

You dripping  - beef is good but I've always done it in a pan still loaded with the grease from that morning's fry. I don't know if it makes a difference or not but I use it all the same. It's habit. Then get that pan good and hot - like, this thing's somewhere just below flashpoint hot. If you see fire it's gone too far dont put water on it. But when the smoke alarm goes off that's usually a good sign.

Unless you're like me and take the battery out because there's going to be a lot of smoke.

Grab a stopwatch.

Drop the beef on. Stand back and don't wear a short sleeved t-shirt. Let it settle on the pane and let it sizzle. It'll smoke. It'll scorch. Let it Don't flip it. Don't fuck with it. Let it sit and led it fry.

It'll take three minutes for most cuts to get somewhere from medium, to medium-rare. Just enough to see blood seeping up through the topside (Which should still seem raw). Add thirty second to get to the next stage of done-ness. Subtract thirty to get close to rare.

Flip it. Stand back. Burns on the hands are par for the course at this point. Let it fry. Get yourself a nice, fat knob of squeeze-from-a-tit butter and spread it across the cooked topside of the beef - just to add that bit of moisture back in.

After another three minutes. It's done. Get it off the pan. Get the pan off the heat before you're calling the firebrigade. Get on the phone to eircome phonewatch before they call the firebrigade on your behalf because your smoke alarm will have been screaming the whole time.

Unless you took the battery out.

With the steak on a plate - put it in the microwave. Don't turn the microwave on The microwave is the best place for it to rest. If it's left in the open, it'll cool too fast. If it's put in the oven with active heat and ventilation, it'll dry out. Put it in the microwave. It's a sealed insulated box that'll hold all the mousture in, all the vapours, all the flavours. It'll slow the cooldown down to the point where all the fats and meats properly anneall and self tenderise.

It'll be done after 4-5 minutes. While it's resting you can fry onions or make gravy in the remants on the pan. I don't do that because I like my steak nude.

Anyway If you've time it right, everything else will be ready at the same time. It should emerge from the microwave soft, swimming in its own leaking juices. It'll be soft enough that a butter knife should cut it. Even the fats will have disintegrated. It'll just be beef - thick, juicy beef.

Eat it.

Drink a bottle of scotch after. I recommend Laphroaig.