RE: [IC][WIP][Arc 1] How I Managed to Quit Worrying and Love The Grief Seed
04-15-2019, 04:10 AM
04-15-2019, 04:10 AM
Yes, all the feels. Good work. A few notes, mostly copyedits:
> “I never imagined you to be so... religious!” said Teletha suddenly.
It always surprises me to find agnostics in settings where there are gods all over the place. But yeah, human nature, there's gonna be a few of them.
> but it was s measured and decisive movement.
s/ s / a /;
> “These are Valknuts."
A healthy part of a balanced breakfast.
> “You know that you are a direct descendant of the legendary viking, Sigurd Snake-In-The-Eye.”
Uhm I hate to break this to you, but half the cast is a direct descendant of Sigurd if you are. If a European person living before 1000 AD has living descendants, then all Europeans are a descendant of this person, because math. As much as I like the royal blood trope, everyone has both royals and slaves in their ancestry. (Of course the admixture is different, so you can be more genetically similar to a distant ancestor than others.) Of course if Sigurd didn't exist in every reality, you can bend this rule.
> There were many Bruja’s on your matrilineal line.
Looks like you're missing a noun after Bruja's.
> he said as he quietly entered.
Talking seems like not quietly entering.
> she dried her as she sat up.
eyes? face?
> half hearted gesture
needs hyphen
> And the dining area waited for the next meal.
"waited for" is okay but a bit awkward, maybe "awaited" or "stood ready"?
> “LADY HILD! I WANT TO MAKE A WISH!”
You could have just called me on the phone, you know. The number is area code 666...
> “I think that ca be done.”
can
> I will be your personal bounty hunter.
Ooooh! Godwhacker's on the case.
> At Fate’s surprised look, Hild smiled.
By this point I had forgotten she was in this scene.
> “You brave fool. My precious, courageous fool on his hill.”
She's really right. Marked by the top good God, same day makes a deal with the devil.
> “I never imagined you to be so... religious!” said Teletha suddenly.
It always surprises me to find agnostics in settings where there are gods all over the place. But yeah, human nature, there's gonna be a few of them.
> but it was s measured and decisive movement.
s/ s / a /;
> “These are Valknuts."
A healthy part of a balanced breakfast.
> “You know that you are a direct descendant of the legendary viking, Sigurd Snake-In-The-Eye.”
Uhm I hate to break this to you, but half the cast is a direct descendant of Sigurd if you are. If a European person living before 1000 AD has living descendants, then all Europeans are a descendant of this person, because math. As much as I like the royal blood trope, everyone has both royals and slaves in their ancestry. (Of course the admixture is different, so you can be more genetically similar to a distant ancestor than others.) Of course if Sigurd didn't exist in every reality, you can bend this rule.
> There were many Bruja’s on your matrilineal line.
Looks like you're missing a noun after Bruja's.
> he said as he quietly entered.
Talking seems like not quietly entering.
> she dried her as she sat up.
eyes? face?
> half hearted gesture
needs hyphen
> And the dining area waited for the next meal.
"waited for" is okay but a bit awkward, maybe "awaited" or "stood ready"?
> “LADY HILD! I WANT TO MAKE A WISH!”
You could have just called me on the phone, you know. The number is area code 666...
> “I think that ca be done.”
can
> I will be your personal bounty hunter.
Ooooh! Godwhacker's on the case.
> At Fate’s surprised look, Hild smiled.
By this point I had forgotten she was in this scene.
> “You brave fool. My precious, courageous fool on his hill.”
She's really right. Marked by the top good God, same day makes a deal with the devil.
"Kitto daijoubu da yo." - Sakura Kinomoto