[IC][WIP][Arc 1] How I Managed to Quit Worrying and Love The Grief Seed

[Labster]

Whoa!  A truly disarming story.

And definitely a better mall battle than in Stranger Things.

“Now it’s my turn!  Now I have the power to do something about this!”  She then held out a beautiful glowing green gem, caged in gold like a Faberge Egg.  Suddenly, there was a brilliant flash of green light, and then the old Alisa was gone.

It looks kind of like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9Ywem5d3oU

Ben reached up and opened one of the storage compartments in ceiling console, revealing a pair of buttons - one blue and the other green.

Alan Tudyk said that whenever he wanted to do something cool with the Serenity, you always have to hit the toggles above the chair.

But if they attack again, we’ll abandon the van and then scatter.

Not Athena!  I just learned her name, we can't abandon her!

Also you now have an Alicia and an Athena.  I would not be surprised if cyberpunk espers on motorbikes start appearing in San Antonio.  You brought this on yourself.

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OK this is now all boring proofreading stuff I'll just delete from the thread later:

and Sasami Nanoha, Fate, Alicia, Arf, Alisa, Suzuka, and

who is this Sasami Nanoha you speak of, she sounds small and adorable.  Change the first "and" to "with"

I’m a bringer King Neptune’s Thunder.

of

right behind the Chik-Fil-A,

Chick-fil-A (unless you're on-purpose bland naming)

with that year’s winter fashions.

If you need a date Rob, at least we know it's in the fall.

He ran to the back of the van, knowing he’d have only seconds, opened it, grabbed the large, flat, and heavy case from there, and cheesed it through the women’s department, only stopping to take cover in the midst of thickly packed racks of women’s clothes.

Gosh that's a lot of commas while still being grammatical afaict.

“So even if they aren’t anything to me directly, you might as well have just threatened my own family.  Get ready, buster.  I’m about to rearrange your face so badly that your own mother won’t even recognize you.”
And that was when Zafira’s day became very bad indeed.

Missing extra return between paragraphs

the button on his blue tooth headset

I'm okay about ignoring the capital letters, it's kind of become a generic word, but I still think it's one word.