Alexandra Petri once again satirizes the news, this time "channeling" the clueless Cuban-Canadian. She "quotes" Senator Cruz as thinking (yes, thinking, implausible though that seems for him):
Quote:Seeing Texas in crisis, my reasoning was that the last thing anyone would want would be for me to show up. I assumed that the only thing that could make everyone’s experience worse would be the addition of Ted Cruz. “My power is out… I am breaking up my furniture to burn it… and Ted Cruz is here!” That third thing would be the thing that broke you, I think.
Never in my life has someone said, “What a relief! Ted Cruz is here! Now things are looking up!” My presence has the effect of extinguishing the last small bit of hope that people were unaware they still had. Considering this, I concluded that if you were already struggling, my arrival (which in the best of times drains all the joy and color from the world) would not help things along.
-----
"The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that this was some killer weed."
"The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that this was some killer weed."