Quote:Dear Professor Dumbledore,
I write you as a concerned alumnus of our beloved school of witchcraft and wizardry. I know that we have had our differences in the past—primarily due to you being wrong, and a fool, as well as generally an inferior wizard—but I feel that a love and cherishment for Hogwarts is a topic that even one as shortsighted and dawning upon senility in his wasting mortality as yourself can understand is a common ground between us, something close to the hearts of all Witches and Wizards of Britain. I am thus troubled to hear of the quality of education offered at the beloved institution under your headmastery. To learn of such a brevity of tenure in your latest Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was disturbing and disheartening. I know better than anyone, including of course you, that the ever so recently appointed Delores Umbridge did not falter in her sacred duties as a teacher of magic for young students simply due to the curse still in effect entirely per your own fault for your prejudiced refusal; for her to be in need of replacement so quickly speaks poorly indeed of her, and by extension yourself.
I understand that going out of your way to stubbornly fill the position each and every year is trying, however rewarding you find it to be to spite me at the cost paid by the children holding the future, yet even so, I was surprised to find you able to live down below my expectations. I had thought you able to at least do better than this latest travesty and find someone, anyone able to teach the class, rather than default to appointment by the Ministry. If you were to look deep within yourself—assuming that you have not instead actually cast aside the relevant memories as is your incredibly imbecilic want, thus unable to consider the matter in the first place—you would find a little voice of niggling doubt telling you that even Voldemort would be better than Madam Umbridge, and that voice would be right. To that end, I feel obliged to remind you that my offer of request is still open.
You and I both know that I am eminently qualified to be Hogwarts's Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. You need not make any choice risking your precious Potions Master that you so arrogantly refuse to accept can prove you fallible, or acquiesce to whatever inevitably dismal and even more inept services might be foisted upon you by the baboons in London calling themselves bureaucrats, and a legitimate argument can be made that I am for multiple reasons a superior choice than some alternative pawn that I myself would otherwise have to employ to pick up your slack. There is wisdom to the saying of keeping enemies close. If I am indeed at Hogwarts, busy teaching, no less, you shall have a far easier time keeping watch over me than if you leave me entirely to my own devices, and the fact remains and bears repeating that I can justifiably claim to be an expert of extraordinary quality, categorically better than anyone whom I might send in my stead.
Planning to kill you,
Voldemort, DL, HoS
P.S.
Enclosed is my updated resumé for your perusal, minus the necessary redactions.
P.P.S.
I also took the liberty of including the expanded arithmantic verification proof for Question 19 of my 4th Year end of term exam that you unfairly marked as incorrect. I told you I was right.
Hogwarts: An Escalation omake