[IC][WIP][Arc 1] How I Managed to Quit Worrying and Love The Grief Seed

[Inquisitive Raven]

“So first thing’s first,” said Ben.  “How are the girls?”

Remove the apostrophe.

“They’re right as rain,” proclaimed Washu.  “Last night’s sleep over was a big success.”

"Sleepover" is one word.

“The day after tomorrow.  She’s got got a test tomorrow that she needed to cram for.”

“Got it,” said Ben with a nod of his head.  “So, dealing with the Wolkenritter.  I had an idea about that last night, but I want to get your guys thoughts on the matter.”

Okay, I think "your" should probably be "you" and "guys" definitely needs an apostrophe after the "s" because it's a plural possessive.

“…You can’t be joking,” said Marller.  “You’re gonna get the Goblin King involved?”

This should probably be "You can't be serious" or "You must be joking" unless Marller has a history of confusing expressions like that.

“So you would wish away Fate and Alicia?” said Noike.  “Clever.  It would certainly distract the Wolkenritter.  But would it be effective in keeping the the Testarossa girls from harm?”

While part of her doubted the veracity of what Ben was saying, a lot of things she once considered impossible had become not only become probable, but even common place as of late. 

"Commonplace" is one word.

Fate and Alicia looked to each other, and almost at once they both nodded.

Comma after "once."

And just like that, he strode out of the kitchen like as though he was always in there.

I have the feeling that "like as though" may be regional dialect, but it's not, strictly speaking, grammatically correct. Since narrative is more formal than dialogue, that means you can use "like" or "as though" but you shouldn't put them together here.

we strongly believe that it’s delusional mind thinks that Fate and Alicia here are keeping its mother away from her. 

Remove the highlighted apostrophe.

Now, did I not see a full length mirror here-

"Full-Length" should be hyphenated.

“Oh Jareth!” she exclaimed happily.  “It’s so good to see you again!  How is your kingdom fairing?”

Remove the "i" from "fairing."

Ben took in a deep breathe and let it out slowly, recentering himself.

"Breathe" is a verb. The noun form doesn't have an "e" at the end.

Jareth actually made a startled look at that. 

That's awkwardly phrased.  I think "Jareth actually looked startled at that" flows better.

Dear Benjamin’s lot in life will henceforth be fraught adversity.

That should be "fraught with adversity."

It’s almost like as though this was a trap![/quote]

Unlike last time, this time the phrase "like as though" is dialogue. The question here is, is it in character? I could see this going two ways. One, Belldandy is using her host's dialect to set him at ease, in which case no change is necessary. Two, she's being formal, in which case you should drop "like." I read "as though" as being slightly more formal than "like" which is I'm suggesting that specific edit.

And with Keiichi so near by,

"Nearby" is one word.

There wasn’t a single dissenting voice in in the group as they broke up and exited the apartment. 

Hayate needed a bit of extra help, her being confined to a wheel chair, but no one even dreamed of leaving her out.

"Wheelchair" is one word. Also, you can drop the first occurrence of "her."

left her feeling his turmoil almost like as though it were her own.

This is narrative, so you need to drop either "like" or "as though."

Now that was an eye opener!

Add a hyphen to "eye opener."

Polyandry is common where Sasami is from because there’s always more women than men there. 

"Polyandry" is multiple men to one woman. The term you want here is "polygyny" which is multiple women to one man, or "polygamy" which is gender-neutral. BTW, tripping over this is what prompted me to proofread this chapter.

My ability let’s me…

Remove the apostrophe.

they sprung on Benjamin once came really close

"Sprung" should be "sprang." "Sprung" is the past participle where "sprang" is the past tense. Of course, plenty of people would use "sprung" here, but this is a case of what's acceptable in dialogue isn't acceptable in narrative.