You all know that my fantasy is to have a partner, maybe two, that together we would have children and raise a family, avoid the mistakes of our parents, and raise those children so that, in one way or another, they become forces of awesome.
But I've come to recognize that this is something that I will never have. And mostly due to a society that normalized what I went through growing up so that nothing was ever done to effectively help me, as well as made an entire generation of young women who are very disinclined to wanting to raise a family.
This? This is where I put my sense of loss from this realization into something you can feel for yourselves.
Let me assure you, it's a horribly powerful feeling, and one of the reasons I am on such a potent anti-depressant regimen: Welbutrin and Remeron. It's not for those who are literally faint of heart. It's a combination known for causing grand mal seizures and even killing people. Remeron has a known effect of retarding the liver's ability to metabolize Welbutrin. And I'm being prescribed the maximum safe dose of Welbutrin.
Please, let this sink in:
My doctor has me taking the maximum allowed dosage of a very powerful anti-depressant, mandated by the FDA because any more poses significant dangers to those taking it... and they have me taking another anti-depressant that keeps the other one circulating in my system even longer than it normally should.
But that's just me for you. "They haven't found a way to kill me yet. And not for lack of trying, either!"
This will be my character's battle cry, because it is so intrinsic to who and what he is. That you can hurt him, that you can make him suffer, for certain... but that will be your undoing in the end, because no matter how much you hurt him, you won't be able to kill him. And all that hurt just becomes more fuel for the fire that burns inside of him. This fire will always keep my character going, no matter how badly hurt he is.
That fire, by the way, is a true eldritch horror - something that seemingly exists at a higher level of comprehension and is utterly unknowable to others. And for the few that do get an inkling of what that fire truly is? That knowledge is, in and of itself, painful and maddening because they lack the frame of reference needed to truly understand it.
"What on earth is driving that man!?" some will ask.
"Trust me, you don't want to know," will often be the answer.
But I've come to recognize that this is something that I will never have. And mostly due to a society that normalized what I went through growing up so that nothing was ever done to effectively help me, as well as made an entire generation of young women who are very disinclined to wanting to raise a family.
This? This is where I put my sense of loss from this realization into something you can feel for yourselves.
Let me assure you, it's a horribly powerful feeling, and one of the reasons I am on such a potent anti-depressant regimen: Welbutrin and Remeron. It's not for those who are literally faint of heart. It's a combination known for causing grand mal seizures and even killing people. Remeron has a known effect of retarding the liver's ability to metabolize Welbutrin. And I'm being prescribed the maximum safe dose of Welbutrin.
Please, let this sink in:
My doctor has me taking the maximum allowed dosage of a very powerful anti-depressant, mandated by the FDA because any more poses significant dangers to those taking it... and they have me taking another anti-depressant that keeps the other one circulating in my system even longer than it normally should.
But that's just me for you. "They haven't found a way to kill me yet. And not for lack of trying, either!"
This will be my character's battle cry, because it is so intrinsic to who and what he is. That you can hurt him, that you can make him suffer, for certain... but that will be your undoing in the end, because no matter how much you hurt him, you won't be able to kill him. And all that hurt just becomes more fuel for the fire that burns inside of him. This fire will always keep my character going, no matter how badly hurt he is.
That fire, by the way, is a true eldritch horror - something that seemingly exists at a higher level of comprehension and is utterly unknowable to others. And for the few that do get an inkling of what that fire truly is? That knowledge is, in and of itself, painful and maddening because they lack the frame of reference needed to truly understand it.
"What on earth is driving that man!?" some will ask.
"Trust me, you don't want to know," will often be the answer.