2016-11-13: Some Uncomfortable Questions

[Bob Schroeck]

Managers Teleconference
November 13, 2016


Bob:  "I've been thinking about that Predator that you said Makoto ran into, Rob."

Brent:  "Haven't we all!"

Bob:  "And it led me into strange areas of contemplation."

Rob:  "Like what?"

Bob:  "I've realized that the situation we're in is very Earth-specific.  Except for that Predator -- or, rather, those Predators, plural, since at least one more had to be around to leave that tanto for Makoto -- and those Fae you fought off last week, and of course the Mau, almost everyone who's been displaced has been human, and even those that aren't are from human works of fiction."

Raven:  "Your point?"

Bob:  "My point is, are we the only world in this big wide universe providing refugee services?  Are there alien civilizations who are receiving displacees from their own works of fiction, overseen by the gods and demons wearing unrecognizable faces?"

<silence>

Brent:  "That's an... interesting question.  Yeah, probably."

Rob:  "You've got me thinking that some heroes of Klingon operas are showing up on Qo'noS even as we speak. But does it matter?  If there are, we're never going to meet them."

Bob:  "Maybe, maybe not.  I mean, an infinite universe providing homes to refugees from an even more infinite multiverse...  the law of big numbers says that sooner or later we're going to see some kind of overlap, say an alien story where they've managed to come up with something reasonably close to earth humans as their counterpart to extraterrestrials.  What happens if they're the equivalent of 1950s B-movie alien invaders?  And have the technology to find us?  I mean, we already have, what, three starships on earth right now, thanks to the Masakis and their houseguests?  There's no reason to expect we're alone in the universe and also that our fiction will be the only works with ultratech galaxy-spanning drives and other near-magic toys."

...

Rob:  "Now I've got a question. All of the exceptions to Bob's rule about no nonhumans happened to my residents or at my residence or both. What's so special about us?"

Raven: "Hey! What are my residents? Chopped liver? I have four nonhumans in The Steeple. Or have you forgotten Zafira and the familiars?"

Rob:  "Actually, yeah, sorry. But it just underlines my point.  If we aren't special — and I guess we aren't — when are things like that Predator going to happen to everyone else? Is some tentacled monstrosity going to crawl out of the Pacific Ocean and onto Venice Beach, maybe?"

Brent: "Like in Haiyore! Nyarko-san, shonen?"

Bob:  "<snrk>  What are the odds that somebody is actually running some underwater residence south of Hawaii where Godzilla, Cthulhu, the aliens from Pacific Rim, Reptilicus and the Varga are all hanging out playing pinochle with cards the size of tennis courts?  And when they get bored, that's when they show up in Venice?"

Brent: "Don't worry guys, I'm a great pinochle player!"

...

Bob:  "A question."

Rob:  "An answer???"

Bob:  "Why haven't we seen anyone from fanfiction?  I very seriously doubt that the multiverse at large gives a crap about copyrights, trademarks and market share, so logically we should have or should soon see someone recognizable from a fic."

Raven:  "Like Doug, maybe?"

Bob:  "Well, yeah, or the Girls.  But just as much, Twister, Legion, Fenris... any of the godlike Harry Potters or world-jumping Ranmas...  Terawatt!  Or Chris Angel's Paradox.  Hell, Gryphon or just about anyone else from Undocumented Features."

Rob:  "Fenspace?"

Bob:  "Yeah.  Why aren't we seeing displacees from any of them?"

Brent:  "Maybe they're getting recruited to help instead of just becoming displacees."

Rob:  "Don't tempt fate. With my luck, I'd ask for help from SkyKnight but I'd get Skysaber instead."

Bob:  "There's one way to find out about Skysaber, you know."

Brent:  "Don't say it."

Bob: "Just pick up a landline phone and make the request for him to the dial tone."

Brent:  "And now I can't not think about doing that."

Rob:  "If you summon Skysaber, you get to give him a place to live."

...

Bob:  "Another question."

Raven:  "Oh god." <chuckles>

Bob:  "The Q Continuum.  Where are they?"

...

Bob:  "One more.  One final question."

Brent:  "Enough.  Please."

Bob:  "What if we're someone's fanfic?"

<beat>

Raven:  "Whose?"

<beat>

Bob:  "Ours."

Bob:  "A group project like 'Fenspace', some kind of self-insert megacrossover story.  I mean, there are six of us, all from my board, who are managers, five of us writers to one degree or another.  What are the odds of that?"

Raven:  "Pretty good, considering Funtom used your board to find people with the qualities they needed."

Rob:  "And we're just a fraction of the staff, one that's getting smaller with every new residence that opens. Although Epsilon is a writer, too."

Brent:  "Not to mention, if this was a self-insert wouldn't you expect us to all get some obscene power-ups with people like Washuu-chan and Usagi around who are willing to help out if asked?"

Raven:  "Oh yeah, we'd all be Sailor Alpha Centauri, or Superman, or some hybrid monstrosity with built-in particle beam weapons."

Rob:  "Raven's right -- if this was a self-insert, we'd be center stage.  At best we're supporting characters. Although we're better off than Rosencrantz and Guildenstern."

Bob:  "But what if it was supposed to be some subversive funhouse mirror image of an isekai story?  And it would answer a lot of my other questions -- we're writing what we know, so that's why there's no alien displacees, and we wouldn't poach on other fic writers' turf, so that's why that..."

Raven: "Bob, you're over-thinking things. Go get some sleep."