Dragonflight, I just got done reading this, and I like it -- a lot. It's a bit darker than I would have made it, but that's not a problem. If I'm not mistaken, you're starting this right in the middle of the epilogues -- there's no mention of what someone here called the "open source antigravity" movement, which dawned somewhere between late summer and early fall of 2037, when Doug's info packets were spewed forth by the delayed mail systems; I'm curious how that will work into your story.
Anyway, after going through it, I have only a couple comments to offer (other than a bunch of stylistic stuff that's mostly individual taste anyway). First, it's "Looney Toons", not "Tunes". Second, Lisa would probably point out to Sylia that she doesn't randomly get the Senshi uniform, only when she says, "Sailor Power... um, you know." And it's more likely Mackie would refer to Doug by his last name rather than his first name, having never met him. Sylia certainly only uses "Sangnoir" or "Colonel Sangnoir"; Mackie would probably take after her usage.
Hm. And I'd expect that there would be a little more curiosity among the Sabers about just who left the info packet. (Speaking of which, as a gag you might have Sylia give Lisa a PDF copy of "Wizardry for Dummies". ) I recognized the Asprin reference, of course... have you considered tying in Sandra Bullock's candle-lighting ability from "Practical Magic", too, just for the fun of it?
I'd really love to see where you're taking this story. It looks like it really has legs, and I'm going to enjoy sitting back and watching it from the outside!
Now, just a few things about stuff you wrote:
Anyway, good job so far, keep it up, I want to read more, and of course it qualifies for the DW Fanfic-Squared page, if you want to have it hosted or linked there. If you have any questions or ideas you want to bounce off me, feel free to email me!
-- Bob
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There's no wrong way to eat a Rhesus.
Anyway, after going through it, I have only a couple comments to offer (other than a bunch of stylistic stuff that's mostly individual taste anyway). First, it's "Looney Toons", not "Tunes". Second, Lisa would probably point out to Sylia that she doesn't randomly get the Senshi uniform, only when she says, "Sailor Power... um, you know." And it's more likely Mackie would refer to Doug by his last name rather than his first name, having never met him. Sylia certainly only uses "Sangnoir" or "Colonel Sangnoir"; Mackie would probably take after her usage.
Hm. And I'd expect that there would be a little more curiosity among the Sabers about just who left the info packet. (Speaking of which, as a gag you might have Sylia give Lisa a PDF copy of "Wizardry for Dummies". ) I recognized the Asprin reference, of course... have you considered tying in Sandra Bullock's candle-lighting ability from "Practical Magic", too, just for the fun of it?
I'd really love to see where you're taking this story. It looks like it really has legs, and I'm going to enjoy sitting back and watching it from the outside!
Now, just a few things about stuff you wrote:
Quote:I see no problems with bringring Reika in. Your arguments are convincing enough for me. Plus you're absolutely right. It's always important to get your pieces on the board as soon as possible. (Says the man who introduced four new characters -- influential ones, at that -- in the very last chapter of his story.)
But no matter what, going to Megatokyo is something she'd have to do at some point. Plus, as a plot point, it brings characters to the same city.
Quote:If she's taking her training seriously, she's not going to do anything like that for a while. In fact, I suspect she's going to resist doing the hero thing for as long as she can. But I happen to know that by her late twenties, she's rather comfortable with it -- and with the "Sailor Loon" uniform. How she gets there... well, I guess that's up to you now. But she's got to get there in such a way that she's comfortable enough to leave MegaTokyo and her earth when the call comes. (See this thread, and this one for an idea of where she's headed to.)
As for the new Saber, it may well be Lisa, or she might strike out on her own.
Anyway, good job so far, keep it up, I want to read more, and of course it qualifies for the DW Fanfic-Squared page, if you want to have it hosted or linked there. If you have any questions or ideas you want to bounce off me, feel free to email me!
-- Bob
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There's no wrong way to eat a Rhesus.