Well, since you seem to be flooded by the positive feedback, I'll just add that I enjoyed the chapter a great deal.
The entire Lina/Sylia scene was very well done, as were, of course, the characterizations of everyone. The plot never dragged, moving at a brisk and exciting pace.
Hmm . . . as this is one of my commentaries, I guess I'll have to move onto the "negatives" before this gets cloying . . .
First off, how did . . . Jennifer (? the boomer girl) know that these were the Knight Sabers? That was a bit jarring. And given her desire to die, she was certainly very calm at the beginning. Not sure if that's appropriate or not, I'm waffling a bit, but the fact that she calls them Knight Sabers was jarring.
Hmm . . . what else . . .
I found Oscar the Mechanical Man's acculturation to humanity to be surprisingly fast. Granted that he served in covert activities before, but he picked up on certain nuances a bit too quickly to be believed. Maybe some more scenes of him getting used to the ineffable condition of sentience should be added ("What . . . is . . . love, Mr. Sangnoir?").
Also, he certainly both picked up a sense of humor and the ability to adequately quip with Doug very, VERY quickly. Again, the jarring quality is there.
Oh, yes. As for any dramatic quality that the final scene had was lost because in an earlier scene, Doug specifically mentioned that he both survived it and moved onto another world (the Doug singing scene). I mean, OF COURSE, we know that. And given that it's told in the first person, we're pretty sure anyway. But still, by coming out and saying it like that makes sure that the readers know that Doug is ultimately unaffected by his kidnapping. At least, that's the effect.
So, even with those things, enjoyed the chapter.
Oh, and have you considered that there is a much more appropiate Styx song for this chapter? (Oh, momma I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law . . .)
-murmur
"I, Escargot Pudding, am freed of all constraints and will live happily!"-Higurashi Kagome
The entire Lina/Sylia scene was very well done, as were, of course, the characterizations of everyone. The plot never dragged, moving at a brisk and exciting pace.
Hmm . . . as this is one of my commentaries, I guess I'll have to move onto the "negatives" before this gets cloying . . .
First off, how did . . . Jennifer (? the boomer girl) know that these were the Knight Sabers? That was a bit jarring. And given her desire to die, she was certainly very calm at the beginning. Not sure if that's appropriate or not, I'm waffling a bit, but the fact that she calls them Knight Sabers was jarring.
Hmm . . . what else . . .
I found Oscar the Mechanical Man's acculturation to humanity to be surprisingly fast. Granted that he served in covert activities before, but he picked up on certain nuances a bit too quickly to be believed. Maybe some more scenes of him getting used to the ineffable condition of sentience should be added ("What . . . is . . . love, Mr. Sangnoir?").
Also, he certainly both picked up a sense of humor and the ability to adequately quip with Doug very, VERY quickly. Again, the jarring quality is there.
Oh, yes. As for any dramatic quality that the final scene had was lost because in an earlier scene, Doug specifically mentioned that he both survived it and moved onto another world (the Doug singing scene). I mean, OF COURSE, we know that. And given that it's told in the first person, we're pretty sure anyway. But still, by coming out and saying it like that makes sure that the readers know that Doug is ultimately unaffected by his kidnapping. At least, that's the effect.
So, even with those things, enjoyed the chapter.
Oh, and have you considered that there is a much more appropiate Styx song for this chapter? (Oh, momma I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law . . .)
-murmur
"I, Escargot Pudding, am freed of all constraints and will live happily!"-Higurashi Kagome