first of all, get rid of the last line. That's just . . . it's just so "oh, curse the heavens for the fate that we stoic warriors must endure!" mawkish. sorry to say it, but it is mawkish, maudlin, and every other synonym that you care to add.
secondly, get rid of the "Whew." Just go with "I breathed out."
as much as i really like this setting, there is one thing that i have qualms about, but that's neither here nor there. i'll add it to the boskonian thread.
Anyway, for the short drabble it is, it's good. other than the last line.
-murmur
secondly, get rid of the "Whew." Just go with "I breathed out."
as much as i really like this setting, there is one thing that i have qualms about, but that's neither here nor there. i'll add it to the boskonian thread.
Anyway, for the short drabble it is, it's good. other than the last line.
-murmur