Office of the Generalissimo
Korolev Air Force Base
12:00 GMT 13 March 2014
"Federal marshal for you, General."
Mal looked up from his stack of paperwork. "Buzhwha?" he said urbanely.
"There's a federal marshal asking for you in the lobby," said GLaDOS. Mal raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Did we do something illegal?" he asked.
"Not to my encyclopedic knowledge of current operations."
Mal frowned. "This wouldn't happen to be a landshark, would it?"
"General, *please,*" GLaDOS huffed. "*I* am a highly sophisticated computer system with a spotless administrative record and an infinite capacity for learning. Would such a model of digital perfection *truly* stoop to something as *juvenile* as making up visitors *just* to surprise you with a landshark?"
"In a millisecond." Mal replied with the firm conviction of someone who had already Been There and Done That.
"... Okay, you got me. But there's still a marshal in the lobby. Should I let him up, or are you going down."
Mal looked at the mound of paper and USB sticks on his desk. Faint thoughts of sweet, sweet freedom ran through his mind. He shook his head to break the vision. "Send him up," he said. "This ought to be interesting."
SUBPOENA
By Authority of the Congress of the United States of America
To S. Malaclypse Fnord
You are hereby commanded to be and appear before the Joint Committee on Extraterrestrial Security at the place, date and time specified below.
* to testify touching matters of inquiry committed to said committee or subcommittee; and you are not to depart without leave of said committee or subcommittee.
* to produce the things identified on the attached schedule touching matters of inquiry committed to said committee or subcommittee; and you are not to depart without leave of said committee or subcommittee.
Place of production: 253 Russell Senate Office Building
Date: March 18, 2014
Time: 8:00 A.M.
Mal blinked bemusedly at the thick packet of paper in front of him. "Okay," he said, "this wasn't what I was expecting at all."
The marshal, a large, slab-sided man in the customary dark suit, shrugged. "Not my department, man."
Mal peered over the paper. "And why are *you* delivering this?" he asked. "I thought your people were out of the process server job."
The marshal shrugged again. "We're available," he said. "From what I heard, Senator Kellerman didn't want to send one of his aides up and they didn't trust anybody at the consulate to deliver the paper. So they asked for a guy from the Port Luna office to come over. Here I am. Now sir," he added, pulling out a form, "if you could sign this here..."
"Yeah, sure," Mal scribbled something resembling a signature on the form. Something in the marshal's little spiel clicked in his head. "Wait," he said, "did you say *Kellerman?* As in *Alan* Kellerman?"
"That was the name I got from my boss. Of course, he might've gotten it wrong - apparently the aide was giggling a lot on the phone."
Cold tendrils of doom wrapped themselves around Mal's forebrain. "Oh, wonderful."
"Something wrong?"
"Ngh.. no. Not really. Nothing I can't handle, anyway." Mal waved it off. "Listen, since Kellerman and his merry band of idiots made you run all the way out here, lemmie give you a little something as a booby prize."
"Sir, are you trying to bribe a US Marshal?"
Mal gave the marshal an odd look. "No, if I was trying to bribe you I'd have done it before you gave me the subpoena." He pulled out a card and handed it to the marshal. "If you missed lunch, take this down to the 250K Saloon in Old Town and order the special on me. I insist."
The marshal pocketed the card, nodded a goodbye and exited the office. "That was uncharacteristicaly nice of you," GLaDOS noted. "Usually you have me throw process servers out the door."
"Yeah, well most process servers don't come armed. Or bearing Congressional subpoenas for that matter." Mal sighed. "I need, in this order, Kat, Calc, KJ, Zib and Sora. Where are they?"
"One second while I consult Big Brother. Kat is in the editing room, Calc is supposed to be at the Watchtower for a conference, KJ is at his office in Gagarin Crater, Zib is with Kat and Sora is down in the Hole. I've paged them and they'll all be here in an hour plus."
"Okay, good. Next step, this crap." Mal waved the packet attached to the subpeona. "I'll scan this in. You need to track down the documents on the list. If we don't have 'em I'll need a convincing excuse.
"After that, I need tickets from here or Port Luna to D.C. leaving Saturday night or Sunday morning, a hotel room near the Capitol - nothing fancy, but an open reservation - and a dress kit enough to last me a few days just in case."
"Working on it as I anticipate your movements," GLaDOS said. "Are you sure you don't want to take Ptichka?"
Mal nodded. "Ptichka's too valuable to use as an executive transport. Besides," he added darkly, "if something goes wrong I don't want to give the bastards an opportunity to impound her. Commercial transport only, GLaDOS."
"Of course. Any more doomsday scenarios you want to plan for? Should I pack a hardsuit? Perhaps the mininukes?"
Mal rolled his eyes. "No, don't be silly." He paused. "But when you get a second, call the Karasukage. I think I want to hire a team for a covert bodyguard mission with the potential for extraction."
OOC: This started out as a way to try & dodge the whole Wedding of the Century thing Noah's throwing. Partly because I liked the whole "Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Story" element Mal has going with LoGG, and partly because I honestly don't have any bloody idea what to *do* with the poor guy at the wedding.
In the process, this particular idea's grown a bit, and I've decided to spin it off into another story entirely. The plot is fairly simple: the whole business with Artemis has finally gone public, Congress is a bit put out that a federal agency pulled a runaround on them, and now they're out for blood. Our Hero is the first high-level Fen that the Extraterrestrial Security Committee has called out, and he intends to make the most of it.
The full title of this little excursion is "Mr. Fnord Goes to Washington (Not a Heartwarming Frank Capra Movie)" Make of that what you will.
In the process, I'm introducing a new antagonist to our stable, one Senator Alan Kellerman. Let's meet him!
Alan Kellerman (R-KS): Alan's the senior member of Kansas's congressional delegation, older than most dirt and enough of a Force in the party that he gets a lot of leeway from his caucus. He also distrusts handwavium in all forms, and he hates Fen with a burning passion. As far as Alan Kellerman is concerned the denizens of Fenspace are debauched freaks, probably socialists and almost certainly terrorists or terrorist supporters, and he's not shy about it at all. To be fair, he's very non-partisan about it, as he dislikes stalwart patriot Chris Marsden as much as he dislikes bohemian expat Mal Fnord.
To be clear, Sen. Kellerman is *not* Boskonian, corrupt, one of Hanoi Xan's meat-puppets or any other kind of fakeout. He's exactly what it says on the tin; a 'Danelaw patriot trying to protect his country from the threat of Fen hegemony. He'll be an asshole in the classic Patriarchial Senator mold, but he's not actively *evil.*
Fenspace (and Our Hero) do have allies within the halls of American power, but we'll hold off on meeting them for a bit yet. Wait for them to be introduced, as it were.
C&C, brickbats, etc.
--Mal
Mr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery
FenWiki - Your One-Stop Shop for Fenspace Information
"I. Drink. Your. NERDRAGE!"
Korolev Air Force Base
12:00 GMT 13 March 2014
"Federal marshal for you, General."
Mal looked up from his stack of paperwork. "Buzhwha?" he said urbanely.
"There's a federal marshal asking for you in the lobby," said GLaDOS. Mal raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Did we do something illegal?" he asked.
"Not to my encyclopedic knowledge of current operations."
Mal frowned. "This wouldn't happen to be a landshark, would it?"
"General, *please,*" GLaDOS huffed. "*I* am a highly sophisticated computer system with a spotless administrative record and an infinite capacity for learning. Would such a model of digital perfection *truly* stoop to something as *juvenile* as making up visitors *just* to surprise you with a landshark?"
"In a millisecond." Mal replied with the firm conviction of someone who had already Been There and Done That.
"... Okay, you got me. But there's still a marshal in the lobby. Should I let him up, or are you going down."
Mal looked at the mound of paper and USB sticks on his desk. Faint thoughts of sweet, sweet freedom ran through his mind. He shook his head to break the vision. "Send him up," he said. "This ought to be interesting."
SUBPOENA
By Authority of the Congress of the United States of America
To S. Malaclypse Fnord
You are hereby commanded to be and appear before the Joint Committee on Extraterrestrial Security at the place, date and time specified below.
* to testify touching matters of inquiry committed to said committee or subcommittee; and you are not to depart without leave of said committee or subcommittee.
* to produce the things identified on the attached schedule touching matters of inquiry committed to said committee or subcommittee; and you are not to depart without leave of said committee or subcommittee.
Place of production: 253 Russell Senate Office Building
Date: March 18, 2014
Time: 8:00 A.M.
Mal blinked bemusedly at the thick packet of paper in front of him. "Okay," he said, "this wasn't what I was expecting at all."
The marshal, a large, slab-sided man in the customary dark suit, shrugged. "Not my department, man."
Mal peered over the paper. "And why are *you* delivering this?" he asked. "I thought your people were out of the process server job."
The marshal shrugged again. "We're available," he said. "From what I heard, Senator Kellerman didn't want to send one of his aides up and they didn't trust anybody at the consulate to deliver the paper. So they asked for a guy from the Port Luna office to come over. Here I am. Now sir," he added, pulling out a form, "if you could sign this here..."
"Yeah, sure," Mal scribbled something resembling a signature on the form. Something in the marshal's little spiel clicked in his head. "Wait," he said, "did you say *Kellerman?* As in *Alan* Kellerman?"
"That was the name I got from my boss. Of course, he might've gotten it wrong - apparently the aide was giggling a lot on the phone."
Cold tendrils of doom wrapped themselves around Mal's forebrain. "Oh, wonderful."
"Something wrong?"
"Ngh.. no. Not really. Nothing I can't handle, anyway." Mal waved it off. "Listen, since Kellerman and his merry band of idiots made you run all the way out here, lemmie give you a little something as a booby prize."
"Sir, are you trying to bribe a US Marshal?"
Mal gave the marshal an odd look. "No, if I was trying to bribe you I'd have done it before you gave me the subpoena." He pulled out a card and handed it to the marshal. "If you missed lunch, take this down to the 250K Saloon in Old Town and order the special on me. I insist."
The marshal pocketed the card, nodded a goodbye and exited the office. "That was uncharacteristicaly nice of you," GLaDOS noted. "Usually you have me throw process servers out the door."
"Yeah, well most process servers don't come armed. Or bearing Congressional subpoenas for that matter." Mal sighed. "I need, in this order, Kat, Calc, KJ, Zib and Sora. Where are they?"
"One second while I consult Big Brother. Kat is in the editing room, Calc is supposed to be at the Watchtower for a conference, KJ is at his office in Gagarin Crater, Zib is with Kat and Sora is down in the Hole. I've paged them and they'll all be here in an hour plus."
"Okay, good. Next step, this crap." Mal waved the packet attached to the subpeona. "I'll scan this in. You need to track down the documents on the list. If we don't have 'em I'll need a convincing excuse.
"After that, I need tickets from here or Port Luna to D.C. leaving Saturday night or Sunday morning, a hotel room near the Capitol - nothing fancy, but an open reservation - and a dress kit enough to last me a few days just in case."
"Working on it as I anticipate your movements," GLaDOS said. "Are you sure you don't want to take Ptichka?"
Mal nodded. "Ptichka's too valuable to use as an executive transport. Besides," he added darkly, "if something goes wrong I don't want to give the bastards an opportunity to impound her. Commercial transport only, GLaDOS."
"Of course. Any more doomsday scenarios you want to plan for? Should I pack a hardsuit? Perhaps the mininukes?"
Mal rolled his eyes. "No, don't be silly." He paused. "But when you get a second, call the Karasukage. I think I want to hire a team for a covert bodyguard mission with the potential for extraction."
OOC: This started out as a way to try & dodge the whole Wedding of the Century thing Noah's throwing. Partly because I liked the whole "Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Story" element Mal has going with LoGG, and partly because I honestly don't have any bloody idea what to *do* with the poor guy at the wedding.
In the process, this particular idea's grown a bit, and I've decided to spin it off into another story entirely. The plot is fairly simple: the whole business with Artemis has finally gone public, Congress is a bit put out that a federal agency pulled a runaround on them, and now they're out for blood. Our Hero is the first high-level Fen that the Extraterrestrial Security Committee has called out, and he intends to make the most of it.
The full title of this little excursion is "Mr. Fnord Goes to Washington (Not a Heartwarming Frank Capra Movie)" Make of that what you will.
In the process, I'm introducing a new antagonist to our stable, one Senator Alan Kellerman. Let's meet him!
Alan Kellerman (R-KS): Alan's the senior member of Kansas's congressional delegation, older than most dirt and enough of a Force in the party that he gets a lot of leeway from his caucus. He also distrusts handwavium in all forms, and he hates Fen with a burning passion. As far as Alan Kellerman is concerned the denizens of Fenspace are debauched freaks, probably socialists and almost certainly terrorists or terrorist supporters, and he's not shy about it at all. To be fair, he's very non-partisan about it, as he dislikes stalwart patriot Chris Marsden as much as he dislikes bohemian expat Mal Fnord.
To be clear, Sen. Kellerman is *not* Boskonian, corrupt, one of Hanoi Xan's meat-puppets or any other kind of fakeout. He's exactly what it says on the tin; a 'Danelaw patriot trying to protect his country from the threat of Fen hegemony. He'll be an asshole in the classic Patriarchial Senator mold, but he's not actively *evil.*
Fenspace (and Our Hero) do have allies within the halls of American power, but we'll hold off on meeting them for a bit yet. Wait for them to be introduced, as it were.
C&C, brickbats, etc.
--Mal
Mr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery
FenWiki - Your One-Stop Shop for Fenspace Information
"I. Drink. Your. NERDRAGE!"