Dartz Wrote:Quote:covers how the person behind this Sheppard came to identify so closely with the game character that the two have merged in his own mind
Never underestimate the power of a biomod, especially from a sample of 'wavium powered by the concept of what Shephard is.... That's what I assumed was going on anyway
perhaps, although its not shown anywhere. I'd rather not make that assumption until proven by context myself. Personal preference there, really.
moving on to beta commentary though:
It was a rainy day, the Summer 2016 on the east coast of had been on vacation for weeks.
if you meant that summer itself had been on vacation because of the rain, I'd recommend saying "the Summer of 2016 had been on vacation for weeks on the east coast". Its also not clear here as to the east coast of where... I'm assuming you meant the USA because of the later paragraphs, it would be better to move the mention to here as in "east coast of the USA" or something similar.
The Taxi driver looked to his right, it did not happened that often this days that people looking for a transport into orbit from the US had armor and weapon that could have just come out of a scifi movie.
doesn't work for me in a lot of ways. First and foremost, if there is enough traffic up and down that this kid can just 'hail a cab' so to speak, then you'd expect that there are enough forward thinking fen that it would be more surprising to run into one who DIDNT have any kind of waved gear with them.
Should not(Shouldn't) be difficult for you to get in touch with them
The(they) started with random stuff, but today a lot of their tech can be traced either to the Tron movies or to the Mass Effect games.
I have no clue about the ‘how’, but if you start asking questions like this(that), be prepared to become very frustrated soon.” (be prepared to be very frustrated very soon.")
Shepard smiled. “No, not this (that) kind of relays(relay, singular). Mass Relays are space stations which have a huge Element Zero core that can propel other ships nearly instantly across the galaxy to another connected Mass Relay. And Biotics... its about integrating small bits of Element Zero with the central nervous system of a humanoid to be able to create Mass Effect fields just by concentrating. Think about things like force fields or telekinesis. Just technology based.”
“Never heard about things(anything) like this(that), it seems our local variant of the Mass Effect Fen are still limited to other parts of the Fandom. But give them a few decades, we might see something like this(it). Catgirl Industries mostly works as a research institute and a base for crazy tinkerers. They create new waved goodies and prototypes, but licence much of their tech to other people for production.”
I'd recommend the Cabbie going oh, biotics is biomods! somewhere in this segment as well. hmm... "Ah, the sort of Ace biomods the Supers keep hoping to find. Same with teleporting anyone, let alone a whole ship. I guess our local variant ..."
‘And that’s(this is) just one of the Fen cities, there is a lot more to see up here
After two days of walking around in Kandor City,(walking around Kandor) he had(he'd) visited Tranquility Base National Park and watched(viewed) the place where Mankind had first visited another celestial body. He stand (He'd stood) there for hours, thinking about how space travel and exploration had changed since them(then).
Now he was surfing some news pages to find more data about that(the) catgirls (also recommend that you clarify if he's doing general catgirl research or he's looking for everything he can about CGI )
Stepping into a(that) simulation of a Lord of the Rings battle had been breathtaking, beyond anything he had seen at home before.
Here you had a lot of small ‘data monitoring and indexing’ services, and each of them were keeping track of a part of the Interwave. (kept track of just their small part of the 'weave)
Unfortunately for Sheppard was that he had no spaceship, so he decided to take a bus.
(Unfortunately for Sheppard, he had no spaceship, so he took the bus.)
The story of the Boskone war kept his eyes fixed on the tablett, (tablet with one t)
But it seemed the Boskonians had not been wiped up(out) completely. There was suspiciously few(little) information about where the fugitives(catgirls) that had founded Catgirl Industries were(had) coming from in 2015, but it seemed(was clear) small parts(cells) of the Bad Guys had survived. He had to make sure to gather more information about this later.
But of course(Not that) the spectres had no(a) perfect score either. They (They'd) even had got a few (had a few) traitors in their own ranks.
“I am John Sheppard, System alliance. At this date, the 10 July 2016 I am taking command of this space station.”
Up to this point, you'd made it clear that our 'protagonist' still recognized what was reality, and what wasn't. Then we get this line out of the blue that makes it seem like he's somehow gone round the twist and steadfastly believes he IS the protagonist from ME and that he has the right to do what he's doing. However, if you happened to add a scene just before this where Shep decides that he needs their help badly enough to just try and bluff them like this it would work, and make all the other scenes fall into place as well.
A few catgirls looked over the the man in his armor that had arrived with(in) a Taxi a few minutes ago
He was a command approved soldier, he had played all three episodes through on all difficulty levels. He would become the first Spectre as soon as the Fen found the first real Mass Relay and got involved with the Citadel Council. How could his plan had failed?
Again, this is cognitively dissonant from the Sheppard you've created to this point in the story, one who seemed to still grasp that he was just the player, not the character. Yet here he seems to think that the ME games were meant as sort of a test/training tool meme straight out of "The Last Starfighter"
but two of them just have a waved Paintball-gun! Remind me we talk(need) about some weapon detectors for incoming vehicles, I don’t want this to happen again.”
Nothing wrong with a waved paintball gun, IMO. Heck, if anything it'd be a better choice for this sort of situation because of the variety of things those paintballs could be loaded with! (sticky stuff to imobilise, super slick somethings to ko, some sort of high kinetic energy transfer fluid that can knock a person down without otherwise hurting them, delivery of contact chemicals such as tranquilizers, or even some sort of binary explosive if you MUST inflict damage. In comparison, if she's so convinced about the power of her Gyro shells Cathy should also be worried about what a miss might do to Jenga's structure)
“Did he really threatened(threaten) to take over the station?”
“Is he just the scout of(for) a whole group, checking up if we would resist?”
He was (damn) lucky the cats had not(hadn't) just spaced him!
“Its okay John, no one is angry about(with) you
“I don’t think you are the type of Fen who just wants to command(boss) people
around, you seem to be too nice for this(that).
who could built me my Normandy?” (who could build the Normandy for me?)
“But there are so many things(there is so much) I don’t know. I need a place to learn,
someone who can tell me where I am wrong and what would be a good way (and help me) to
correct it.” Shepard sighed. “I learned the hard way today that
Fenspace is a little bit(a lot or very) different what I expected. Luckily no one got
hurt, but I don’t want to rely on luck alone next time.”
Keep this(that) attitude through the(delete) training, and we might(we'll definetly) have a job for you.”
Hear that thunder rolling till it seems to split the sky?
That's every ship in Grayson's Navy taking up the cry-
NO QUARTER!!!
-- "No Quarter", by Echo's Children