Woof. Right. Here we go, then. This may seem harsh, but that’s because I’m harsh, like the Colorado granite from which I sprang.
There are two major problems I see with this opening. The first is the huge block of exposition that starts everything off. In a nutshell, this is exactly the sort of thing I was worried Rob was going to do in his piece with Skuld. You’re giving us paragraph after paragraph of dense, jargon-heavy text that explains the worldbuilding but doesn’t have anything to do with the plot. We as readers don’t need to know this stuff – in fact most readers probably don’t want to know this, at least not this early in the story.
Here’s the short form on what we-as-readers and them-as-characters need to know:
That’s it, really. You can hint that Fenspace is about to get 20% stranger, but a detailed explanation of the hows and whys is unnecessary and slows down the story right at the point when you ought to be hitting the accelerator.
Second, the boons. Specifically the first one. Seeing it in action, it’s such an overpowered thing – it terraforms Mars and populates it with a TORG patchwork for crying out loud – that as a battleground for newly-magical beings it makes Counter-Earth superfluous. Seriously. Xanatos and Struve wizard-dueling across a radically transformed Mars sounds like a hell of a story, not to mention the other bits of hilarity ensuing from how the rest of Fenspace takes this. But if Counter-Earth is there and is the place where the wizard battles are supposed to happen, why transform Mars? I’m not asking why Struve would want something like this – I get that his character is basically an evil(er) channer and ‘for the lulz’ is all the rationale he needs – I’m asking you, DJ, why make the changes to Mars. Something has to give here, but I’m not sure what.
That said, the story has a good deal of potential. Xanatos comes across as a solid character, and the non-exposition bits of his chat with Death are fairly engaging. I’ve think you’ve got something here, but it needs better focus.
Mr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery
FenWiki - Your One-Stop Shop for Fenspace Information
"I. Drink. Your. NERDRAGE!"
There are two major problems I see with this opening. The first is the huge block of exposition that starts everything off. In a nutshell, this is exactly the sort of thing I was worried Rob was going to do in his piece with Skuld. You’re giving us paragraph after paragraph of dense, jargon-heavy text that explains the worldbuilding but doesn’t have anything to do with the plot. We as readers don’t need to know this stuff – in fact most readers probably don’t want to know this, at least not this early in the story.
Here’s the short form on what we-as-readers and them-as-characters need to know:
- One of my homeboys has decided to empower your arch-enemy as his avatar.
- I can’t get directly involved because reasons, but I can empower you in similar fashion.
- If you screw this up, the secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions.
That’s it, really. You can hint that Fenspace is about to get 20% stranger, but a detailed explanation of the hows and whys is unnecessary and slows down the story right at the point when you ought to be hitting the accelerator.
Second, the boons. Specifically the first one. Seeing it in action, it’s such an overpowered thing – it terraforms Mars and populates it with a TORG patchwork for crying out loud – that as a battleground for newly-magical beings it makes Counter-Earth superfluous. Seriously. Xanatos and Struve wizard-dueling across a radically transformed Mars sounds like a hell of a story, not to mention the other bits of hilarity ensuing from how the rest of Fenspace takes this. But if Counter-Earth is there and is the place where the wizard battles are supposed to happen, why transform Mars? I’m not asking why Struve would want something like this – I get that his character is basically an evil(er) channer and ‘for the lulz’ is all the rationale he needs – I’m asking you, DJ, why make the changes to Mars. Something has to give here, but I’m not sure what.
That said, the story has a good deal of potential. Xanatos comes across as a solid character, and the non-exposition bits of his chat with Death are fairly engaging. I’ve think you’ve got something here, but it needs better focus.
Mr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery
FenWiki - Your One-Stop Shop for Fenspace Information
"I. Drink. Your. NERDRAGE!"