Been a while... a long while... but this came up & I felt like sharing. Enjoy.
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Quote:Unknown WorldlineMr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery
16 April 2017 (Convention relative, 16 April XXXX local)
“So,” Buffy said cheerfully. “Tell me about vampires.”
Athena Nepos blinked. “I’d think you were the expert,” she replied.
“The ones around here sure, but you’ve traveled to all sorts of dimensions, right? What’re the vampires like there? Still the same kind of ugly bloodsuckers?”
“Well, sort of,” Athena said slowly. “Most of the vampires I’ve fought in the past were, well... let’s say that yours are easier to clean up after.”
“Huh, really?”
“Yeah. Vampires in my experience are, well, undead. Like zombies, right? So when you break the animating force they don’t just go poof like yours, you get stuck with a dead body, usually one that’s all chopped up depending on how long it takes to kill the bastard.”
“Oh ew. Ew. Ew ew ew.” Buffy made a face as Athena nodded in agreement.
“Cleanup’s the worst part of vampire fighting,” she scowled. “Especially when nobody bothered to tell the magistrate there was a vampire problem before hiring a vampire hunter, and then the magistrate and his full entourage – complete with sorcerer and a pair of heavy golems because ooh, scary war-witch in the area – show up swords drawn when you’re trying to put a pyre together and burn a nest of ex-vampires.”
“Wow,” Buffy said. “How’d that work out?”
“It’s a long story, but it ends along the lines of ‘and that’s why I’m no longer allowed in Cisalpine Gaul.’ Fucking ingrates.” Athena shook her head. “Maybe when I get drunk enough I’ll tell you more. Anyway, vampires... the self-cleaning ones are new to me, I’ll admit. Especially on a stake to the heart.”
Giles perked up. “Really?” he said. “Because ah, most of our literature would suggest that was a, ah universal constant among vampires, being defeated by shoving wood through the heart.”
“Well again, your vampires are different.” Athena shrugged. “Wood through the heart will slow the ones I’m used to down, even pin the wiggly bastards for the final blow but offing them in one throw? That’s new.”
“So how do you kill vampires back where you came from?” Buffy asked.
“Decapitation usually works. Fire always works on undead.” Athena smiled slightly. “That reminds me of a really weird vampire type we stumbled over a couple years ago...”
~***~
Worldline-664
13 July 2014 (Convention relative)
Stuck in an alleyway with three vampires. And the evening had started off so well.
Mal Fnord ducked a vicious swing from one of the trio, what seemed on first reflection to be a common example of sanguinivorus eurotrashius but as the fight wore on were obviously different to some extent. “Please continue,” the vampire snarked. “I do so love playing with my food.”
“Asshole!” Mal snarled, bringing his machete down on the vampire’s exposed neck. The blade cut a little, maybe a quarter-inch, before stopping with a strange metallic sound and a jarring motion. The vampire winced a little at the injury but didn’t seem otherwise affected.
On Mal’s back his wife saw a little more success with her enchanted gladius, scoring small nicks and cuts all over her target, but every time she tried to capitalize on her blows the damage healed. Inch by inch the pair were backed up towards the wall at the far end of the alley.
~***~
“The tricky bit,” Athena said, “was that the animating force had transformed the body from normal human tissue to some sort of crystal, and it was a regenerating crystal at that. Some really heavy magic behind it but I never did figure it out. Anyway, all the usual tricks weren’t working. Skin was too tough to cut easily, wood and religious artifacts had no effect, I needed to burn them but big fire spells take time and we didn’t really have any.”
“What did you do?”
“Well... oh hey, Mal!” Athena waved as her husband ambled up on the group of demon hunters. “I was just telling Buffy and Giles about the crystal vampires. Tell them how we defeated ‘em!”
“Oh,” Mal Fnord said with a smile. “I love that story. So there we were, hip-deep in trouble with three vampires closing on us...”
~***~
Worldline-664
13 July 2014 (Convention relative)
The vampires moved in for the kill slowly, taking every chance to savor the fear rolling off their prey. “You little stupid mortals thought you could kill us?” The lead vampire mocked. “You’re sheep among wolves.”
“Or hippos among wolves,” Mal said, pulling a gun out from under his coat and pointing it at the lead vampire’s chest. Behind him Athena concentrated on an area-of-effect fire spell that would maybe not kill the vampires but would get them to back off a little. “I’d say I don’t want to do this,” Mal remarked, “but that’s a damn lie.”
The vampires laughed in unison. “That’s adorable,” the leader said, spreading his arms wide. “Go ahead, shoot, fool. You can’t hurt me with your little popgun.”
Mal pulled the trigger on his laser pistol, letting fly a beam of coruscating energy that struck the vampire dead center of his bare chest. He’d hoped that the advanced weapon would maybe set a patch of skin afire, or maybe the force of the beam would crater the crystal in the vampire’s chest. Something that would startle them enough to back off the three seconds Athena needed for her spell.
Instead the vampire’s exposed skin flashed a brilliant red, and the creature had just enough time to wail before vanishing in a blast of light, flame and foul smoke. Dead silence settled over the alleyway as predator and prey tried to understand this new development. “Justin?” the vampire on the right said weakly, reaching out for the space his comrade had vacated.
Mal stood there, gobsmacked for a second. Then his looked at his gun with awe. “Oh my god, they explode.” he said. “My life has taken on new meaning.” He looked up at the shell-shocked vampires and aimed again. “Boo!”
The vampires screamed and ran for it. They just about made the entrance when Athena started lobbing fireballs.
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"I. Drink. Your. NERDRAGE!"