Gary Trudeau hits it out of the park

[Rev Dark]

The fundamental goal of actual Republicans is to decrease abortion, because to us it's (literally) murder.

Okay.  Time to call bullshit on this line of tripe.  For a number of demonstrable reasons.
The first is the crapfest of 'Actual Republicans' and 'Real World Republicans' which is a nice variation on the True Scotsman fallacy.
The second is that 'Actual Republicans' are almost unanimous in their support of abstinence only sex education - which has been proven to increase the risk to disease, higher rates of teenage pregnancy, etc.   A policy that can only increase, not decrease, abortion.
The third is (literally) hyperbole.  If you grant that life begins at conception, and you are pledged as an 'actual Republican' (rather than a dipshit misogynist douche-canoe) it is your duty to protect that life.  Have a single drink during pregnancy - you are a child abuser.  Flush out the fertilized egg during menstruation?  Murder in the third degree; perhaps manslaughter.  It doesn't even have to be a criminal case - you could be charged with in a civil court; you know where the aggrieved party could seek financial compensation on behalf of the blastocyst. 
The fourth is that the Republican party (I am sure they are not the 'Actual' and 'Real World Republicans' that you number yourself among) are virulently anti-contraception.  Doing their level best to ensure that actual reproductive control is wrested away from - well mostly women.  I am sure they have their reasons and it isn't just pissant misogyny getting in bed with Bronze age desert myth.  Oh wait, they are framing it under 'religious freedom'. 
The fifth is that making abortion illegal (there is historical precedence for this - but 'actual' and 'real world' republicans have never let facts stand in the way of their dogmatic stupidity) is going to lead to just as many - or more - carried out, in unsafe conditions, by unqualified practitioners.  The world of coathangers, flights of stairs, etc.  The numbers on maternal mortality in the pre and post Roe Vrs Wade world make for fascinating, if disturbing reading.

The fundamental goal of straw-man "rethuglicans" in Gary Trudeau's mind
(and many others like him) is to reduce women to chattel slavery,
because it makes a good thing to accuse real-world Republicans of and
make them look bad.

I don't think 'real world' Republicans need Gary Trudeau to make them look bad - at best he just shows their behavior in sharp relief.

"One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked
about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country.
It's not okay. It's a license to do things in a sexual realm that is
counter to how things are supposed to be."

Ah the frothy mix that is Rick Sanctorum; but I am sure you do not count him as a 'real world' or 'actual' Republican.
Maybe the 251 votes that passed the 'protect life act' (HR 358).  You must know the one - it allows hospitals that receive federal funds to deny abortion to women - even if the abortion is necessary to save her life.  Not a single 'actual Republican' in that group of shameless dickheads.

 Needless to say, real-world Republicans find Mr. Trudeau's work about as
offensive as a man running up and down the street in Harlem, wearing a
hooded white robe, carrying a torch and shotgun, and a sign saying
"death to n**gers" would be to your average African-American.

Wow.  There really isn't any response to this that would make you sound even more unhinged.  Other than to observe that in order to carry a torch, shotgun and sign he would require three arms.  
Your response is creepier than a John Ringo Ghost novel.