Riot Force 6.1/Sabres of Paragon: To Spite A Giant

[Sofaspud]

I'm not sure exactly how to put this, so I'll be blunt. That's what I'm best at, anyway.

Ops, this is a very good -- VERY good -- story... but it's by far the worst opening I've seen you put out. It feels rushed.

But the story is awesome, and Terrence is right -- that jackass got off light.

I'll dissect the parts that bugged me below.

That was all they knew about Linna's current location, and as much as Sylia was keeping, had to keep a positive outlook on the situation, she was aware
that Nene was beginning to take it personally.

Sylia was keeping what? Her spirits up, I presume, but... I'm unsure.

"I don't get it, Sylia!" she groaned as she leaned back in the computer chair. "I'm getting
plenty of hits on Crey's datanet as to where she used to be. Their data security is like, thirty years behind what I'm used to now that I have a
proper machine to set up the subroutines. But abruptly before we found Priss, she just drops off the map. Vanishes. Even Crey's up in arms about it. They
think we have her already."

Even setting aside the use of the word 'abruptly' -- which doesn't sound like Nene to me, but that's just a personal thing --
I'm very puzzled by this last bit. "... before we found Priss, she just drops off the map." Who is 'she'? Priss? That doesn't
make sense, Priss is right there (as the next paragraph reveals).

"Well, Crey's got a long list of enemies, but most of them are on the upright. Of their non-good and proper enemies, the Council might want her, but
they have their own super-soldier program that they seem just fine with.

It took me several re-reads, and only after moving on did I realize what that sentence meant. "non-good and proper" doesn't flow
well to me. I think it means "of their enemies who aren't on the right side of the law", however you want to phrase that. Am I correct?

"I cannot assume that most groups will find our hero liscenses sufficient protection from assumption that we are not, in fact, criminals.

As a final critique, I'd like to point out a recurring typo that Just Bugs Me. It's "license", my friend, not "liscence".

All that said... as I pointed out, it's a very good story, and I like it. I think it ties up the Four Colors arc very nicely -- and helps pin down where
Linna's coming from. I haven't really had much of a handle on her before now, so I think this helps a lot.

Plus it was fun to read, and Paul Summerfield makes for an interesting, possibly recurring, villain. I mean, he's not outright stated to be dead, after
all... *evil grin*

--sofaspud
--"Listening to your kid is the audio equivalent of a Salvador Dali painting, Spud." --OpMegs