CUE OMINOUS MUSIC
You've heard some of my comments already on this, so I won't go into too much detail. I like how you're portraying Breaker -- who I have to
confess a vested interest in, obviously -- even though I suspect she'll turn out differently 'later on'. And the 'cute' bits -- priceless.
There's not enough here to really bite down on, not yet. This feels like the intro -- which I think is your intention. That said... if you get a chance I
think this could use a little fleshing out. It's very heavy on dialogue, with no descriptive text telling me just where this conversation is taking place.
It doesn't need to be detailed, but if I approach this from the angle of someone who has no idea who these girls are or what they're doing, I have
nothing to clue in off of. All I know is that they're on some sort of 'base', that they apparently sleep together (same room, maybe same bed, big
fat question mark in the In THAT Way?! column), and they have doctors who refer to them by code designations.
Which, y'know, isn't bad! But it doesn't show us who, or why we're supposed to care, and since this IS a dream-flashback, you'd think some
of Sovereign's emotional involvement with her doctors/captors/guardians/whatever would come through.
(Yes, I know who they are, but again, outside perspective.
So, there you have it. Want to see more, liked it, but feeling a little let down -- it's like biting into what you think is a jelly donut only to find
that someone forgot to squirt in the filling. Still a tasty donut, but it's lacking something. Y'know?
--sofaspud
--"Listening to your kid is the audio equivalent of a Salvador Dali painting, Spud." --OpMegs
You've heard some of my comments already on this, so I won't go into too much detail. I like how you're portraying Breaker -- who I have to
confess a vested interest in, obviously -- even though I suspect she'll turn out differently 'later on'. And the 'cute' bits -- priceless.
There's not enough here to really bite down on, not yet. This feels like the intro -- which I think is your intention. That said... if you get a chance I
think this could use a little fleshing out. It's very heavy on dialogue, with no descriptive text telling me just where this conversation is taking place.
It doesn't need to be detailed, but if I approach this from the angle of someone who has no idea who these girls are or what they're doing, I have
nothing to clue in off of. All I know is that they're on some sort of 'base', that they apparently sleep together (same room, maybe same bed, big
fat question mark in the In THAT Way?! column), and they have doctors who refer to them by code designations.
Which, y'know, isn't bad! But it doesn't show us who, or why we're supposed to care, and since this IS a dream-flashback, you'd think some
of Sovereign's emotional involvement with her doctors/captors/guardians/whatever would come through.
(Yes, I know who they are, but again, outside perspective.
So, there you have it. Want to see more, liked it, but feeling a little let down -- it's like biting into what you think is a jelly donut only to find
that someone forgot to squirt in the filling. Still a tasty donut, but it's lacking something. Y'know?
--sofaspud
--"Listening to your kid is the audio equivalent of a Salvador Dali painting, Spud." --OpMegs