Here's some of my collection of funny lines and segments from various fanfic:
"The day I apologize to the likes of THAT Slytherin pit viper is the day Voldemort drops his frilly pink knickers and asks for a good buggering from Harry
Potter."
-Neville Longbottom, "Snake Charming", Chapter 44, by echo
www.tthfanfic.org/Story-277-44/echo+Snake+Charming.htm
Harry twitched when he saw the Hokage in a beer hat. Had this been any other time, he would have busted a gut laughing. As it was, he could barely stop himself
from breaking out into incoherent giggles. Yes, this was most certainly the day of his death. He wondered how the school would react
He had a sudden image of Snape saying Potter, I did not give you permission to be dead. Twenty points from Gryffindor and five points for not passing in your
homework.
Harry chuckled. It was exactly the kind of thing the git would do.
-"Uzumaki Harry", Chapter 10, by Shadow Crystal Mage
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2636980/10/
Naruto crept up to them and snatched Mitsunes microphone. Attention, ladies! Photos of Harry-niisan in his underwear are now being sold at nine hundred ryou a
pop! Available while supplies last! Why, thank you, girls, Naruto said, grinning widely as he accepted Mitsune and Kazumis money.
Somewhere in the crowd, Sasuke twitched as Iruka went off to collect his errant student, slightly hampered by the fact there was a wave of women rushing to get
their photos of Harry in his undies. Why didnt I think of that?
Myrtle leaned down towards Sasuke, freaking out a few classmates who still werent quite used to the yurei. You are getting me some of those, she hissed.
----------------------------------------
The fight was long, brutal and very, very messy. It involved low and underhanded maneuvers, backstabbing, surprise attacks, imaginative use of jutsus, an
abundance of weapons, and very dirty tricks.
By the time Iruka managed to get to Naruto, there were legions of unconscious females around him as he gleefully counted his money. The others crawled away,
rubbing their hard-earned pictures to their faces.
-"Uzumaki Harry", Chapter 10, by Shadow Crystal Mage
www.fanfiction.net/s/2636980/10/
/No. I have to do this./ Ranma decided. /I mustn't run away./ he mentally resolved and thus caused a whole slew of Ikari Shinji's in other timelines to
sneeze and wonder who was talking him down behind his back.
-"Sex Ed with Sensei Tendo Nabiki", by Hawk
www.fanfiction.net/s/2569024/1/
"...I left around four am england time and everyone in the cantina was absolutely trashed. This huge muggle woman named Maria Estrella Gonsalez latched on
to old Volde pretty quick. She kept calling him her 'guapo diablo' and smothering him in kisses. When I stole the portkey leading back to Hogsmeade
everyone was drinking Tequila and toasting the 'Dark Lord Guapo' and singing along with the mariachi band. As far ahead of me as he was, I'd be
surprised if he remembers anything. Alcohol, nature's memory charm." He recalled fondly.
"That's why you were hungover this morning?" Hermione asked in a stunned voice. The rest of the class had found it a riveting tale.
"Yes, and earlier he was panicking when he woke up naked with Maria and completely unable to perform magic." Harry explained.
"But he could just take off the bracelets and he would be fine."
"Normally you'd be right, but who was it that gave me those bracelets? Fred and George thought it would be funny to jinx them so that you can't
take them off without somebody casting a spell on them." Harry's grin changed to a smirk.
"So you left the Dark Lord drunk in a country that doesn't speak english with no money and no magic? Odds are he won't be able to find anyone who
knows the counter curse until he makes it back to England. Harry that's brilliant!" Hermione gave him a solid hug.
"Indeed, 150 points to gryffindor for sheer dumb luck and a willingness to help your fellow man no matter who he is." Dumbledore proposed from the
door. "But I must encourage you not to leave the castle like that again. Waking up on another continent with no recollection as to how you got there is
not fun let me assure you."
"You sound like you're speaking from experiance sir." Harry quipped.
-"Why is Harry Smiling", by The-Caitiff
www.fanfiction.net/s/3097138/1/
BOOM.
It should have been just another explosion signifying the conflagration of yet another replaceable surface building. It wasnt.
Hyuga gasped. SIR! WE JUST LOST THE BASKIN ROBBINS ON IMAEDA AVENUE!
It was as if Central Dogma had been renovated as a mass grave.
Subtly, Fuyutski leaned towards his only superior officer. Ikarithats thirty-one flavorswaffle conesrainbow sprinkles
Did they have, Gendo paused, Butter Pecan?
From the corner of Ikaris eye, the old mans deathly-ill profile darkened as he slowly nodded.
Thats it.
The Supreme Commander of Nerv rose from his Laz-E-Bastard. Unit-00 and Unit-02 will proceed to cage four. Once at the surface they will intercept the Third
Child and initiate a Level-Three Old School Beatdown.
-"Shinji Just Snaps and Totally Wales on Everything", Chapter 1: "I Have No Idea What You Are Talking About, So Here Is a Penguin with a Waffle
On Top of Its Head", by MidnightCereal
www.fanfiction.net/s/2510180/1/
Shinji walked down the hallway after his synch test. Neither Rei nor Asuka had been there, and Dr. Akagi had seemed very grumpy and taken it out on him. He
released a heavy-hearted sigh and shoved his hands in his pockets.
Foolishly enough, he had assumed the day would go not so terribly, with Misato acting... well, not much weirder than usual, and Asuka only
verbally abusing him a little. This was why he wasn't a fortune teller.
"Ikari-kun."
Shinji looked up and was surprised to see Rei standing there. He hadn't even noticed her. "Ayanami..."
She handed him a somewhat rumpled piece of paper and simply waited.
Blinking, Shinji took the paper. "What is this for?"
"If you are in distress, this will alleviate it."
"Uh... thanks." Shinji unfolded the paper and started to read. "I don't know what to do. I want you to..." Shinji looked up at Rei, his
eyes wide with fear. "A-Ayanami..."
Before he could say anything more, Rei stepped forward and laid a kiss
directly on his lips. And this was no chaste, friendly, quick kiss. Shinji felt every detail of Rei's mouth as she pressed it against his, grabbing his
arms to keep him from running away. Before she could attempt more, Shinji fell away from her.
She allowed him to drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes, then
looked at his unconscious form as blood trickled from his nose.
Obviously, he needed the guidelines.
-"Misato's Predicament", by Lara Bartram and Ammadeau
www.geocities.com/seele_hq/Archive/predicament.txt
Edit by Morgan: Geocities is no more. Luckily, this story is also on fanfiction.net . Misato's Predicament
"The stars say we are in some deep shit," Nephlite said under his
breath.
-"Queen Beryl's Fatal Rage-Related Atomic Disintegration" by Dr. Xadium
www.suburbansenshi.com/fanfic/berylstress.txt
"I don't have *time* for this!" Future Ami exclaimed. "Axiom: Everything I say is a lie."
"Accepted," Past Ami said.
"Then evaluate the truthfulness of my next statement."
"Proceed."
"I am a liar."
"Well," past Ami began pedantically, "you are obviously lying because everything you say is a lie... however, since everything you say *is* a
lie then you are being truthful when you say that you are a liar... but that cannot be because you are axiomatically a perpetual liar and thus cannot state the
truth..." past Ami's eyes began to glass over. "What's happening to me? Getting weaker... Dark Kingdom logic trap... help... me..."
Future Ami chuckled. That particular brain teaser had stumped her for days until she had determined it was an inherently stupid thing to ponder and had ceased
worrying about it.
"You..." past Ami said, trying to counter the tactic as she slipped into coma. "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Future Ami smiled and held out an open gloved hand. Minako's totally inappropriate solution to the Zen Koan came to mind. Slowly, Ami opened and closed her
hand so the tips of her fingers touched, making a weak clapping sound.
"Impossible." Past Ami spluttered before passing out.
Future Ami had to work fast, as her past self would quickly work out of the intellectual logjam. Getting some duct tape and an intravenous drip bag, Ami
quickly secured her past self and shoved her in the closet.
"Oh," Ami quickly remembered. "Need to get a colostemy bag for her."
"Ami-chan!" she heard her mother call.
"Coming, mother!" Ami answered, a bit too cheerfully. She had to remember to tone herself down for the time period.
-"Queen Beryl's Fatal Rage-Related Atomic Disintegration" by Dr. Xadium
www.suburbansenshi.com/fanfic/berylstress.txt
"Hi, Rei-chan," Mamoru waved weakly.
"Ami-chan?!" Rei asked accusingly, looking at the haggard pair, and especially Mamoru's disheveled state. "What have you been doing with
Mamoru-san?"
Ami was too tired to think, so she just told the truth. "I've never seen a weaker man than this. Certainly, he looks strong on the outside, but he has
no fortitude at all! I had my way with him four-hundred and thirty-two separate times before he finally developed the backbone to stand up to me and say
'no!'."
Rei and Usagi facefaulted.
-"Queen Beryl's Fatal Rage-Related Atomic Disintegration" by Dr. Xadium
www.suburbansenshi.com/fanfic/berylstress.txt
Shikamaru Ino gaped.
Yes Ino? the chuunin murmured.
Theres a clown in our soup.
Yes Ino.
What is it doing in our soup?
It looks like the Macarena.
-"The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu", Chapter 4, by Kaori
www.fanfiction.net/s/3141085/4/
"ANYway," Hotaru cut in with a scowl, "I can't believe they made me do that song. 'Don't Fear the Reaper'?! A little morbid,
don't you think?"
Haruka and Michiru looked at each other. It was just a tad bit morbid. Haruka was at a loss for words, so the aqua-haired woman answered. "Maybe it is,
but I think it fits the spirit of Sailor Saturn."
Her partner agreed, albeit reluctantly. "Yeah. It does sorta fit. You know...uh...death and stuff."
"I just which they could've picked something for me that emphasized the rebirth part of Saturn," Hotaru complained.
"Hey, what can you do? Death sells," Michiru explained.
"Yeah, well," Hotaru huffed. "That guy with the cow bell was really starting to annoy me."
-"Angry White Male", by John Lauder
archives.eyrie.org/anime/Sailor-Moon/sm.angry-white-male.gz
--The Twisted One
Everybody Loves the Croquet Jihad!
"If you
wish to converse with me, define your
terms."
--Voltaire
"The day I apologize to the likes of THAT Slytherin pit viper is the day Voldemort drops his frilly pink knickers and asks for a good buggering from Harry
Potter."
-Neville Longbottom, "Snake Charming", Chapter 44, by echo
www.tthfanfic.org/Story-277-44/echo+Snake+Charming.htm
Harry twitched when he saw the Hokage in a beer hat. Had this been any other time, he would have busted a gut laughing. As it was, he could barely stop himself
from breaking out into incoherent giggles. Yes, this was most certainly the day of his death. He wondered how the school would react
He had a sudden image of Snape saying Potter, I did not give you permission to be dead. Twenty points from Gryffindor and five points for not passing in your
homework.
Harry chuckled. It was exactly the kind of thing the git would do.
-"Uzumaki Harry", Chapter 10, by Shadow Crystal Mage
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2636980/10/
Naruto crept up to them and snatched Mitsunes microphone. Attention, ladies! Photos of Harry-niisan in his underwear are now being sold at nine hundred ryou a
pop! Available while supplies last! Why, thank you, girls, Naruto said, grinning widely as he accepted Mitsune and Kazumis money.
Somewhere in the crowd, Sasuke twitched as Iruka went off to collect his errant student, slightly hampered by the fact there was a wave of women rushing to get
their photos of Harry in his undies. Why didnt I think of that?
Myrtle leaned down towards Sasuke, freaking out a few classmates who still werent quite used to the yurei. You are getting me some of those, she hissed.
----------------------------------------
The fight was long, brutal and very, very messy. It involved low and underhanded maneuvers, backstabbing, surprise attacks, imaginative use of jutsus, an
abundance of weapons, and very dirty tricks.
By the time Iruka managed to get to Naruto, there were legions of unconscious females around him as he gleefully counted his money. The others crawled away,
rubbing their hard-earned pictures to their faces.
-"Uzumaki Harry", Chapter 10, by Shadow Crystal Mage
www.fanfiction.net/s/2636980/10/
/No. I have to do this./ Ranma decided. /I mustn't run away./ he mentally resolved and thus caused a whole slew of Ikari Shinji's in other timelines to
sneeze and wonder who was talking him down behind his back.
-"Sex Ed with Sensei Tendo Nabiki", by Hawk
www.fanfiction.net/s/2569024/1/
"...I left around four am england time and everyone in the cantina was absolutely trashed. This huge muggle woman named Maria Estrella Gonsalez latched on
to old Volde pretty quick. She kept calling him her 'guapo diablo' and smothering him in kisses. When I stole the portkey leading back to Hogsmeade
everyone was drinking Tequila and toasting the 'Dark Lord Guapo' and singing along with the mariachi band. As far ahead of me as he was, I'd be
surprised if he remembers anything. Alcohol, nature's memory charm." He recalled fondly.
"That's why you were hungover this morning?" Hermione asked in a stunned voice. The rest of the class had found it a riveting tale.
"Yes, and earlier he was panicking when he woke up naked with Maria and completely unable to perform magic." Harry explained.
"But he could just take off the bracelets and he would be fine."
"Normally you'd be right, but who was it that gave me those bracelets? Fred and George thought it would be funny to jinx them so that you can't
take them off without somebody casting a spell on them." Harry's grin changed to a smirk.
"So you left the Dark Lord drunk in a country that doesn't speak english with no money and no magic? Odds are he won't be able to find anyone who
knows the counter curse until he makes it back to England. Harry that's brilliant!" Hermione gave him a solid hug.
"Indeed, 150 points to gryffindor for sheer dumb luck and a willingness to help your fellow man no matter who he is." Dumbledore proposed from the
door. "But I must encourage you not to leave the castle like that again. Waking up on another continent with no recollection as to how you got there is
not fun let me assure you."
"You sound like you're speaking from experiance sir." Harry quipped.
-"Why is Harry Smiling", by The-Caitiff
www.fanfiction.net/s/3097138/1/
BOOM.
It should have been just another explosion signifying the conflagration of yet another replaceable surface building. It wasnt.
Hyuga gasped. SIR! WE JUST LOST THE BASKIN ROBBINS ON IMAEDA AVENUE!
It was as if Central Dogma had been renovated as a mass grave.
Subtly, Fuyutski leaned towards his only superior officer. Ikarithats thirty-one flavorswaffle conesrainbow sprinkles
Did they have, Gendo paused, Butter Pecan?
From the corner of Ikaris eye, the old mans deathly-ill profile darkened as he slowly nodded.
Thats it.
The Supreme Commander of Nerv rose from his Laz-E-Bastard. Unit-00 and Unit-02 will proceed to cage four. Once at the surface they will intercept the Third
Child and initiate a Level-Three Old School Beatdown.
-"Shinji Just Snaps and Totally Wales on Everything", Chapter 1: "I Have No Idea What You Are Talking About, So Here Is a Penguin with a Waffle
On Top of Its Head", by MidnightCereal
www.fanfiction.net/s/2510180/1/
Shinji walked down the hallway after his synch test. Neither Rei nor Asuka had been there, and Dr. Akagi had seemed very grumpy and taken it out on him. He
released a heavy-hearted sigh and shoved his hands in his pockets.
Foolishly enough, he had assumed the day would go not so terribly, with Misato acting... well, not much weirder than usual, and Asuka only
verbally abusing him a little. This was why he wasn't a fortune teller.
"Ikari-kun."
Shinji looked up and was surprised to see Rei standing there. He hadn't even noticed her. "Ayanami..."
She handed him a somewhat rumpled piece of paper and simply waited.
Blinking, Shinji took the paper. "What is this for?"
"If you are in distress, this will alleviate it."
"Uh... thanks." Shinji unfolded the paper and started to read. "I don't know what to do. I want you to..." Shinji looked up at Rei, his
eyes wide with fear. "A-Ayanami..."
Before he could say anything more, Rei stepped forward and laid a kiss
directly on his lips. And this was no chaste, friendly, quick kiss. Shinji felt every detail of Rei's mouth as she pressed it against his, grabbing his
arms to keep him from running away. Before she could attempt more, Shinji fell away from her.
She allowed him to drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes, then
looked at his unconscious form as blood trickled from his nose.
Obviously, he needed the guidelines.
-"Misato's Predicament", by Lara Bartram and Ammadeau
www.geocities.com/seele_hq/Archive/predicament.txt
Edit by Morgan: Geocities is no more. Luckily, this story is also on fanfiction.net . Misato's Predicament
"The stars say we are in some deep shit," Nephlite said under his
breath.
-"Queen Beryl's Fatal Rage-Related Atomic Disintegration" by Dr. Xadium
www.suburbansenshi.com/fanfic/berylstress.txt
"I don't have *time* for this!" Future Ami exclaimed. "Axiom: Everything I say is a lie."
"Accepted," Past Ami said.
"Then evaluate the truthfulness of my next statement."
"Proceed."
"I am a liar."
"Well," past Ami began pedantically, "you are obviously lying because everything you say is a lie... however, since everything you say *is* a
lie then you are being truthful when you say that you are a liar... but that cannot be because you are axiomatically a perpetual liar and thus cannot state the
truth..." past Ami's eyes began to glass over. "What's happening to me? Getting weaker... Dark Kingdom logic trap... help... me..."
Future Ami chuckled. That particular brain teaser had stumped her for days until she had determined it was an inherently stupid thing to ponder and had ceased
worrying about it.
"You..." past Ami said, trying to counter the tactic as she slipped into coma. "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Future Ami smiled and held out an open gloved hand. Minako's totally inappropriate solution to the Zen Koan came to mind. Slowly, Ami opened and closed her
hand so the tips of her fingers touched, making a weak clapping sound.
"Impossible." Past Ami spluttered before passing out.
Future Ami had to work fast, as her past self would quickly work out of the intellectual logjam. Getting some duct tape and an intravenous drip bag, Ami
quickly secured her past self and shoved her in the closet.
"Oh," Ami quickly remembered. "Need to get a colostemy bag for her."
"Ami-chan!" she heard her mother call.
"Coming, mother!" Ami answered, a bit too cheerfully. She had to remember to tone herself down for the time period.
-"Queen Beryl's Fatal Rage-Related Atomic Disintegration" by Dr. Xadium
www.suburbansenshi.com/fanfic/berylstress.txt
"Hi, Rei-chan," Mamoru waved weakly.
"Ami-chan?!" Rei asked accusingly, looking at the haggard pair, and especially Mamoru's disheveled state. "What have you been doing with
Mamoru-san?"
Ami was too tired to think, so she just told the truth. "I've never seen a weaker man than this. Certainly, he looks strong on the outside, but he has
no fortitude at all! I had my way with him four-hundred and thirty-two separate times before he finally developed the backbone to stand up to me and say
'no!'."
Rei and Usagi facefaulted.
-"Queen Beryl's Fatal Rage-Related Atomic Disintegration" by Dr. Xadium
www.suburbansenshi.com/fanfic/berylstress.txt
Shikamaru Ino gaped.
Yes Ino? the chuunin murmured.
Theres a clown in our soup.
Yes Ino.
What is it doing in our soup?
It looks like the Macarena.
-"The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu", Chapter 4, by Kaori
www.fanfiction.net/s/3141085/4/
"ANYway," Hotaru cut in with a scowl, "I can't believe they made me do that song. 'Don't Fear the Reaper'?! A little morbid,
don't you think?"
Haruka and Michiru looked at each other. It was just a tad bit morbid. Haruka was at a loss for words, so the aqua-haired woman answered. "Maybe it is,
but I think it fits the spirit of Sailor Saturn."
Her partner agreed, albeit reluctantly. "Yeah. It does sorta fit. You know...uh...death and stuff."
"I just which they could've picked something for me that emphasized the rebirth part of Saturn," Hotaru complained.
"Hey, what can you do? Death sells," Michiru explained.
"Yeah, well," Hotaru huffed. "That guy with the cow bell was really starting to annoy me."
-"Angry White Male", by John Lauder
archives.eyrie.org/anime/Sailor-Moon/sm.angry-white-male.gz
--The Twisted One
Everybody Loves the Croquet Jihad!
"If you
wish to converse with me, define your
terms."
--Voltaire