ROTFL, Part II

[robkelk]

Well, if we're going to repost old Usenet messages, there's this old gem:

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Ideas stolen from: Monty Python's Flying Circus, Neon Genesis
Evangelion.
Spoilers: Oodles.
Stupidity: Massive.
Apologies to: Andrew Huang.
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NEON GENESIS PYTHONGELION
by Daniel Snyder
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"I wish to register a complaint! Yo, dude!"
"What do you mean, 'Yo, dude'?"
"I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to complain about this Ayanami
which I purchased not a half hour ago from this very boutique."
"Ah, the Japanese Blue. Is something wrong with her?"
"Yes. She's dead, that's what's wrong with her."
"No, she's just asleep."
"Look, Dr. Akagi. I know a dead Ayanami when I'm seeing
one..."
*flop*
"...and I'm looking at one right now."
"She's just asleep, Commander."
"All right. If she's asleep, I'll wake her up. HELLO, REI
AYANAMI! I'VE GOT A NICE CUP OF VEGETARIAN RAMEN
FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP! YUM, YUM!"
*whump*
"There! You see that! She moved!"
"That was you jostling the table!"
"Well! I never!...All right, I was."
"HELLO, REI AYANAMI!"
*whamwhamwhamwham*
"OHAYOOOOO GOZAIMASUUUUUU!"
*whamwhamwhamwham*
"Now that's what I call a dead Ayanami."
"She's stunned."
"Stunned?"
"Yeah. You stunned her just as she was waking up. Ne, what an
Ayanami, Commander? Lovely blue hair."
"Her hair doesn't enter into it, I've had about as much of this as
I care to take. That Ayanami is stone dead. And yet when I
brought her out of here not a half hour ago, you assured me that
her total lack of movement was a result of her being tired and
shagged out after hugging an Angel with three N2 mines
shoved down her Eva's gullet."
"Um...she's probably pining for the LCL tank."
"Pining for the LCL tank? What kind of nonsense is that? Look,
why was her plug suit stapled onto her?"
"Because...if it wasn't, she'd become so enthralled about fighting
that she'd tear off the suit, get out of the Eva, and go 'Yarg!'
tearing off after the Angel."
"'Yarg'?"
"'Yarg'."
"Ritsuko, this Ayanami wouldn't go 'Yarg' if you pumped her
full of amphetamines. Now I want a replacement, and I want it
now."
"No, she's just pining..."
"She is NOT pining. She's dead. She's sent out for take-out for
the last time. She's switched the flaps on her kimono. She's
shuffled off to Tokyo-2. Today was a good day to die, and she
took them up on the offer. She's beyond the help of modern
medicine, science, and even Washu. She hasn't got Akira. The
Qiometer on her reads Nought. Kore de shida no da. She has
been punished in the name of the Moon, and the Moon Scepter
has Eliminated. This is a Dead-Type Ayanami!"
"Well, I'd better replace her then."
"Damn. In this town, you've got to go 'blah blah blah' until
you're blue in the bloody face. Or hair. Well, Doctor, what
news?"
"I've had a look around back, and we're fresh out of Ayanamis."
"I see. I see. I get the picture."
"I've got a penguin."
"SQUAWK!"
"Can it pilot an Eva?"
"SQUARK! SQUAWK! WAAAK!"
"Oh, yeah."
"Right, I'll have that one, then."
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Copyright 1999 Daniel Snyder. Permission to duplicate in any
digital/binary/e-mail form; however, any physical printout is
strictly prohibited. Shin Seiki/Neon Genesis Evangelion by
Gainax. Monty Python's Flying Circus by Python (Monty)
Pictures Ltd. and the BBC. Any resemblance to persons living,
dead, or repeatedly brought back to life is purely coincidental.
Did I say "Apologies" to Andrew Huang? I meant to say "Lots of
Apologies" to Andrew Huang. Gomen, gomen, gomen...

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-Rob Kelk
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012