I'm hunting wabbits.
...well, okay, *bunnies.*
In the end, even though I could have Sidestepped right in, it probably took less time (and definitely less effort) to just Sidestep to London, jump the wall, and grab more conventional --er, well, in context, at least-- transport the rest of the way.
Which is how I stepped out of a fireplace to find Dumbledore waiting for me with an expression of weary anxiety that quickly turned to slightly exasperated relief at the sight of me... and holding a sleeping infant.
"I was beginning to fear you weren't going to come," was his greeting -- he must have been stressed, to forgoe the usual courtesies.
"I was... pretty far away, and the owl couldn't reach me directly. I ended up Backstepping to get here as soon as I did." I shrugged, and eyed the infant that he was holding with a surprising air of experience, for a man who (as far as I knew) had never had children of his own. "So, I suppose that young man is...?"
Albus sighed heavily and nodded, *looking* his age --and more-- for the first time I could recall in our association. "Yes. I see you've heard the news?"
I shrugged again, leaning closer to inspect the tiny person the Wizarding World was already calling The Boy Who Lived (makes for a lousy acronym if you ask me, but wizards and TLAs don't seem to mix much). "I caught the high points -- it's all over Diagon Alley. I take it you're looking for someplace safe to stash him?"
He looked troubled. "My original intent had been to place the boy with relatives, whose common blood would provide an anchor for protective magics even Voldemort could not breach. But his only living blood relative is his mother's sister, and after recalling some things Lilly said --or rather, did *not* say-- about her family, I decided to examine them more closely and--" He sagged and sank slowly into a chair, carefully juggling young Harry to avoid waking him. "I cannot in good conscience leave Harry with such people, and yet, I cannot guarantee his safety effectively any other way. It would take a full-time army of Aurors to provide equivalent protection, and as soon as the threat of the remaining Death Eaters was *perceived* to be waning, well...."
I nodded. The fickleness of bureaucracies was something common to both his world, and all of mine. "So you recalled that I might offer a third alternative."
"Yes. It troubles me greatly to send him so far from what is by rights his home, but I fear living with his relatives, or surrounded by guards, fame, and fear, would be little better, if not worse. You've told me many stories of the friends you've made in your travels--"
"Yeah. I see where you're going. And I can think of a few suitable candidates." I sat down across from him, and we began to hash out a plan of action.
WHO ADOPTED HARRY POTTER?
Scenario #1: The Fox and the Hound
I made sure to Step in a safe distance from the house and approach from upwind, whistling a J-pop tune popular in late 1990's Tokyo. I made it maybe five meters before the door slid open and spilled out a small tidal wave of kids (okay, there weren't *that* many, but what they lacked in number they made up for in energy) followed by two adults who still looked too young to be their parents.
I was bogged down knee-deep in urchins asking me questions, checking my pockets for sweets, and hopping up to get a good look or sniff at their prospective new baby brother before their father decided I'd had enough. "Oi!" he hollered, trying to look like he wasn't finding my predicament amusing. "Take off, pups! Let him talk to your mother. You can play with him later." He gave me a fangy grin, to which his wife and I just rolled our eyes.
They're good kids -- they dispersed with a minimum of good-natured complaint, which left me to face their mother. Who was already plucking Harry out of my arms and cooing at him like the born mothering machine that she was (and still is, in fact). Her husband mosied up behind her, trying to look grouchy and put-upon, and failing due to his own fascination with Harry.
Inu-Yasha took a sniff, then impaled me with a glare. "A human pup? What are we, an orphanage?"
"Osuwari," Kagome said absently, tickling Harry and getting the first giggle I'd heard from him in response.
Once Inu-Yasha finished spitting dirt, I sketched out the situation for them. Harry would need to attend Hogwarts, but I could jigger a way for him to make the yearly commute. Beyond that... well, he might not get much training in his hereditary style of magic, but he'd learn how to fight. And I was willing to bet that a sword made from one of Inu-Yasha's fangs would stand Harry in good stead against *anyone,* even Moldywarts. Most of all, he'd have what Mainline Harry never got -- a family that would love him and stand by him in every way, against every threat. That alone was enough.
(Any similarity to Terri Botta's "The Lucky Ones" is entirely intentional, deliberate, and committed with respect and admiration aforethought)
Scenario #2: The Horse and the Hammer
"So, you see, he's got a Destiny to fulfill, but there's no reason not to stack the deck, so..." I trailed off, wondering if anyone was listening. Kasumi, Nodoka, and Akane were all in Baby Heaven, and even Nabiki was hovering around the edges of the cluster, trying to look oh-so-bored. Whatever it is that Harry has, if I could bottle it....
Ranma was still listening. "So, you need somebody to adopt the kid and teach him how to fight, huh? Yeah, I think we can handle that. Some evil wizard type can't be much worse than Herb no baka."
"Just remember, you've only got about ten years," I cautioned. "He has to go back when he turns eleven--"
Graduating highschool and getting married really has done wonders for Akane's temper -- it's amazing. What's also amazing is how fast she can cross a room and pin a grown man to the wall by his throat with one hand, without ever jostling the baby in her free arm. "Are you talking about taking my baby away?" she asked levelly.
Okay, so in retrospect, maybe choosing a Ranma-line variant where they were having severe trouble having kids of their own wasn't as good an idea as it had seemed at the time. But I wasn't sure even Stepping would allow me to get Harry away from her now (I swear, the kid cranks the Maternal Reflex on every woman he meets up to 11 -- even the women you'd think don't *have* any maternal instincts).
I tried to mime the concepts of "commuting" and "frequent interdimensional miles" until Ranma pried her off of me, which gave me a chance to explain fully. Genma and Soun tried to help by going into paeans about how they would, of course, help this poor child master the Art in order to carry out his noble vengeance, but only managed to screw things up slightly before Nodoka sent them scurrying back to their shogi. Before I left, Ranma had finagled a promise from me to bring over a bunch of Hogwarts textbooks, and he was already speculating aloud about how to combine Harry's magic style with Anything-Goes to create a training regimen that would maximally utilize Harry's unique potential.
I figured Moldy was in for a big surprise, no matter what happened.
Scenario #3: SOS
Okay, so, leaving Harry in a carry-seat in a club room wasn't exactly good babysitting. But I didn't want to attract the attention of a girl who was, essentially, a god in that universe. Besides, I left a detailed note that was crafted to get Haruhi hooked on Harry -- she wouldn't let anything bad happen to him, if for no other reason than that he was proof that Something Was Out There. A few other carefully targetted notes had me confident that Mikuru would cover the maternal angles that Haruhi lacked, and Yuki would see to defense... but if Kyon ever found me, I'd probably end up dead. I mean, who *else* was Haruhi going to stick with diaper duty?
But they'd take good care of him. After all, Haruhi would want a good, stable world for her new (brother? son? apostle?) to grow up in, which suited everyone involved -- a stable, involved, *invested* Haruhi wouldn't be at risk of remaking the world or generating closed space every alternate boring Thursday....
Right? I mean, seriously, how bad could it go wrong?
Scenario #4: Hot Lead and Cold Plastique
"Minnie, put the baby DOWN," Rally said desperately. She spun to glare at me. "You bastard -- she's already snuggling him like one of her pet grenades! Does this LOOK like an environment to raise children in? Do I LOOK like I want to have kids!?!"
All right, this probably wasn't as clever as it had seemed when I thought of it. I backed away, raising both hands and grinning my best 'don't shoot the poor dumb guy, he don't know no better' grin. "Aw, c'mon, Rally -- it's perfect! You can teach him guns, Minnie can teach him demo, Bean can teach him how to drive, and Misty can teach him B&E! He'll be a regular James Bond by the time he's eleven!"
Minnie squealed from the far end of the counter. "Ooo! Will he look like Sean Connery?"
I thought about the movies. "Um, more like a slightly-unfinished Pierce Brosnan. But skinnier. But he might fill out later."
It turned into quite a fight. Rally was downright adamant(ium), even after Misty came by and fell under Harry's spell. Then Ken showed up and folded completely when Minnie gave him the "Let's get married and have a family" smile -- you know, the one all women are born knowing? The fact that *Minnie* did it surprised me even more than Ken's reaction to it -- maybe the two of them wanted to settle down more than I'd thought. But Rally *still* wouldn't budge a millimeter.
In one of those odd twists of fate, it turned out that *Roy,* of all people, and his wife were looking to adopt; they'd just had a Chinese adoption go belly-up on them, and were "in the market" (ahem). Once assured she wouldn't have to ever come withing ten meters of a dirty diaper, Rally surrendered to the prospect of being "Auntie Rally" with a speed that made me suspect she'd been hanging on by her fingernails all along. Ah, well -- it was probably for the best. I love Minnie and Ken, but I'm not entirely sure they're good childrearing types. At least, not yet....
Scenario #5: A Knife out of the Dark
"Say, Sarutobi, you think Naruto could use a brother his age?"
Because, let's face it, any evil wizard, no matter how powerful, finds it hard to throw spells with a knife (or a dozen) sticking out of his back.
Scenario #6: Spellslinger Girls
"Say, Nanoha-chan? I hate to impose, but do you think you could recommend...?"
Voldemort. Starlight Breaker. 'nuff said.
Scenario #7: Who Needs Wings?
"Hey, Tenchi...?"
Scenario #8: Cold Steel
"Kenshin? Karou? Say, would you guys be willing to...?"
Scenario #9: Rabbit Season
"Mamoru, I'm sorry -- I swear I wasn't expecting Usagi to latch onto him like this. After all, you guys are gonna gave Chibi-Usa to... um. Okay, maybe I should have thought this through more thoroughly...."
...well, okay, *bunnies.*
In the end, even though I could have Sidestepped right in, it probably took less time (and definitely less effort) to just Sidestep to London, jump the wall, and grab more conventional --er, well, in context, at least-- transport the rest of the way.
Which is how I stepped out of a fireplace to find Dumbledore waiting for me with an expression of weary anxiety that quickly turned to slightly exasperated relief at the sight of me... and holding a sleeping infant.
"I was beginning to fear you weren't going to come," was his greeting -- he must have been stressed, to forgoe the usual courtesies.
"I was... pretty far away, and the owl couldn't reach me directly. I ended up Backstepping to get here as soon as I did." I shrugged, and eyed the infant that he was holding with a surprising air of experience, for a man who (as far as I knew) had never had children of his own. "So, I suppose that young man is...?"
Albus sighed heavily and nodded, *looking* his age --and more-- for the first time I could recall in our association. "Yes. I see you've heard the news?"
I shrugged again, leaning closer to inspect the tiny person the Wizarding World was already calling The Boy Who Lived (makes for a lousy acronym if you ask me, but wizards and TLAs don't seem to mix much). "I caught the high points -- it's all over Diagon Alley. I take it you're looking for someplace safe to stash him?"
He looked troubled. "My original intent had been to place the boy with relatives, whose common blood would provide an anchor for protective magics even Voldemort could not breach. But his only living blood relative is his mother's sister, and after recalling some things Lilly said --or rather, did *not* say-- about her family, I decided to examine them more closely and--" He sagged and sank slowly into a chair, carefully juggling young Harry to avoid waking him. "I cannot in good conscience leave Harry with such people, and yet, I cannot guarantee his safety effectively any other way. It would take a full-time army of Aurors to provide equivalent protection, and as soon as the threat of the remaining Death Eaters was *perceived* to be waning, well...."
I nodded. The fickleness of bureaucracies was something common to both his world, and all of mine. "So you recalled that I might offer a third alternative."
"Yes. It troubles me greatly to send him so far from what is by rights his home, but I fear living with his relatives, or surrounded by guards, fame, and fear, would be little better, if not worse. You've told me many stories of the friends you've made in your travels--"
"Yeah. I see where you're going. And I can think of a few suitable candidates." I sat down across from him, and we began to hash out a plan of action.
WHO ADOPTED HARRY POTTER?
Scenario #1: The Fox and the Hound
I made sure to Step in a safe distance from the house and approach from upwind, whistling a J-pop tune popular in late 1990's Tokyo. I made it maybe five meters before the door slid open and spilled out a small tidal wave of kids (okay, there weren't *that* many, but what they lacked in number they made up for in energy) followed by two adults who still looked too young to be their parents.
I was bogged down knee-deep in urchins asking me questions, checking my pockets for sweets, and hopping up to get a good look or sniff at their prospective new baby brother before their father decided I'd had enough. "Oi!" he hollered, trying to look like he wasn't finding my predicament amusing. "Take off, pups! Let him talk to your mother. You can play with him later." He gave me a fangy grin, to which his wife and I just rolled our eyes.
They're good kids -- they dispersed with a minimum of good-natured complaint, which left me to face their mother. Who was already plucking Harry out of my arms and cooing at him like the born mothering machine that she was (and still is, in fact). Her husband mosied up behind her, trying to look grouchy and put-upon, and failing due to his own fascination with Harry.
Inu-Yasha took a sniff, then impaled me with a glare. "A human pup? What are we, an orphanage?"
"Osuwari," Kagome said absently, tickling Harry and getting the first giggle I'd heard from him in response.
Once Inu-Yasha finished spitting dirt, I sketched out the situation for them. Harry would need to attend Hogwarts, but I could jigger a way for him to make the yearly commute. Beyond that... well, he might not get much training in his hereditary style of magic, but he'd learn how to fight. And I was willing to bet that a sword made from one of Inu-Yasha's fangs would stand Harry in good stead against *anyone,* even Moldywarts. Most of all, he'd have what Mainline Harry never got -- a family that would love him and stand by him in every way, against every threat. That alone was enough.
(Any similarity to Terri Botta's "The Lucky Ones" is entirely intentional, deliberate, and committed with respect and admiration aforethought)
Scenario #2: The Horse and the Hammer
"So, you see, he's got a Destiny to fulfill, but there's no reason not to stack the deck, so..." I trailed off, wondering if anyone was listening. Kasumi, Nodoka, and Akane were all in Baby Heaven, and even Nabiki was hovering around the edges of the cluster, trying to look oh-so-bored. Whatever it is that Harry has, if I could bottle it....
Ranma was still listening. "So, you need somebody to adopt the kid and teach him how to fight, huh? Yeah, I think we can handle that. Some evil wizard type can't be much worse than Herb no baka."
"Just remember, you've only got about ten years," I cautioned. "He has to go back when he turns eleven--"
Graduating highschool and getting married really has done wonders for Akane's temper -- it's amazing. What's also amazing is how fast she can cross a room and pin a grown man to the wall by his throat with one hand, without ever jostling the baby in her free arm. "Are you talking about taking my baby away?" she asked levelly.
Okay, so in retrospect, maybe choosing a Ranma-line variant where they were having severe trouble having kids of their own wasn't as good an idea as it had seemed at the time. But I wasn't sure even Stepping would allow me to get Harry away from her now (I swear, the kid cranks the Maternal Reflex on every woman he meets up to 11 -- even the women you'd think don't *have* any maternal instincts).
I tried to mime the concepts of "commuting" and "frequent interdimensional miles" until Ranma pried her off of me, which gave me a chance to explain fully. Genma and Soun tried to help by going into paeans about how they would, of course, help this poor child master the Art in order to carry out his noble vengeance, but only managed to screw things up slightly before Nodoka sent them scurrying back to their shogi. Before I left, Ranma had finagled a promise from me to bring over a bunch of Hogwarts textbooks, and he was already speculating aloud about how to combine Harry's magic style with Anything-Goes to create a training regimen that would maximally utilize Harry's unique potential.
I figured Moldy was in for a big surprise, no matter what happened.
Scenario #3: SOS
Okay, so, leaving Harry in a carry-seat in a club room wasn't exactly good babysitting. But I didn't want to attract the attention of a girl who was, essentially, a god in that universe. Besides, I left a detailed note that was crafted to get Haruhi hooked on Harry -- she wouldn't let anything bad happen to him, if for no other reason than that he was proof that Something Was Out There. A few other carefully targetted notes had me confident that Mikuru would cover the maternal angles that Haruhi lacked, and Yuki would see to defense... but if Kyon ever found me, I'd probably end up dead. I mean, who *else* was Haruhi going to stick with diaper duty?
But they'd take good care of him. After all, Haruhi would want a good, stable world for her new (brother? son? apostle?) to grow up in, which suited everyone involved -- a stable, involved, *invested* Haruhi wouldn't be at risk of remaking the world or generating closed space every alternate boring Thursday....
Right? I mean, seriously, how bad could it go wrong?
Scenario #4: Hot Lead and Cold Plastique
"Minnie, put the baby DOWN," Rally said desperately. She spun to glare at me. "You bastard -- she's already snuggling him like one of her pet grenades! Does this LOOK like an environment to raise children in? Do I LOOK like I want to have kids!?!"
All right, this probably wasn't as clever as it had seemed when I thought of it. I backed away, raising both hands and grinning my best 'don't shoot the poor dumb guy, he don't know no better' grin. "Aw, c'mon, Rally -- it's perfect! You can teach him guns, Minnie can teach him demo, Bean can teach him how to drive, and Misty can teach him B&E! He'll be a regular James Bond by the time he's eleven!"
Minnie squealed from the far end of the counter. "Ooo! Will he look like Sean Connery?"
I thought about the movies. "Um, more like a slightly-unfinished Pierce Brosnan. But skinnier. But he might fill out later."
It turned into quite a fight. Rally was downright adamant(ium), even after Misty came by and fell under Harry's spell. Then Ken showed up and folded completely when Minnie gave him the "Let's get married and have a family" smile -- you know, the one all women are born knowing? The fact that *Minnie* did it surprised me even more than Ken's reaction to it -- maybe the two of them wanted to settle down more than I'd thought. But Rally *still* wouldn't budge a millimeter.
In one of those odd twists of fate, it turned out that *Roy,* of all people, and his wife were looking to adopt; they'd just had a Chinese adoption go belly-up on them, and were "in the market" (ahem). Once assured she wouldn't have to ever come withing ten meters of a dirty diaper, Rally surrendered to the prospect of being "Auntie Rally" with a speed that made me suspect she'd been hanging on by her fingernails all along. Ah, well -- it was probably for the best. I love Minnie and Ken, but I'm not entirely sure they're good childrearing types. At least, not yet....
Scenario #5: A Knife out of the Dark
"Say, Sarutobi, you think Naruto could use a brother his age?"
Because, let's face it, any evil wizard, no matter how powerful, finds it hard to throw spells with a knife (or a dozen) sticking out of his back.
Scenario #6: Spellslinger Girls
"Say, Nanoha-chan? I hate to impose, but do you think you could recommend...?"
Voldemort. Starlight Breaker. 'nuff said.
Scenario #7: Who Needs Wings?
"Hey, Tenchi...?"
Scenario #8: Cold Steel
"Kenshin? Karou? Say, would you guys be willing to...?"
Scenario #9: Rabbit Season
"Mamoru, I'm sorry -- I swear I wasn't expecting Usagi to latch onto him like this. After all, you guys are gonna gave Chibi-Usa to... um. Okay, maybe I should have thought this through more thoroughly...."
