Some slight NSFW content. Sorry for the late warning.
While I started an ALF storyline some years ago (when there was the ruckus about the Queen of England wringing a pheasants neck) I lost the original but resurrected the villains (and added a new one) for this story based loosely on an IST Madrid one-shot game I ran. There is one guest star from a previous Thibor story Bella Fuego, as well as one of the NPC/PCs from the Madrid game the irrepressible Jackie Frost. Enjoy.
IST Headquarters Great Britain.
Cammy looked up from the report on her desk. The knock was due any moment. She counted down the last few seconds. There it was; a single strident rap. As if someone tapping, tapping not so gently on her office door. The distance between her office and Major Sawchyks office could be covered in three minutes at a brisk walk; two minutes at a light jog; or 45 seconds if one was willing to race through the halls, elbowing people out of the way and generally wreaking havoc. The count stood at 43 seconds.
Hello Major. Cammy smiled as Thibor came in, shutting the door behind him. Thibor never waited to be asked in and had successfully broken Cammy of the habit of asking people in. One of the werewolfs myriad of tricks for keeping supernatural terrors at bay. Please, have a seat and we can discuss this like rational people.
No. Thibor shook his head. He slumped into the chair. Is not talking about this like rational people. Is not rational at all.
That may be the case Major, but we are professionals; we are soldiers; and we shall deal with the problem as such. Cammy parroted Thibors usual litany back at him; albeit with fewer profanities.
You mean by calling in air force and carpet bombing into oblivion? Thibor said. There was a hint of a smile playing across his thick, Slavic features.
I had considered it. Cammy couldnt help herself and let out a solitary giggle, hiding it behind her hand. Thibor was caught up in the moment and burst out with a short bark of laughter. While I agree that it is ludicrous, Colonel Byrd feels that the danger it represents is significant enough to warrant a further investigation. Despite what our American allies seem to think.
Is thinking that there is separation of church and state, but is not separating elected official from campaign contribution gravy train. Thibor confirmed. Owner of park is very generous with contributions to political figures who are of similar faith. Or officials willing to fake big, wet, glorious, audible, faith-gasms in public to get re-election campaign money.
That is perhaps one too many graphic details. Cammy said archly. But correct for the most part. Our American allies have been quite emphatic on IST not sending agents; despite the threat being from a British source.
And lo. Did Colonel Byrd alight from high aerie. Thibor gestured broadly. And from him did drop the result of dozen suspect curries. His underlings were thus struck; fulfilling eleventh commandment; that it shall flow downhill. And lo; did Captain ONeal kiss that which brought forth
Thats enough Major. Cammy managed to cut off the giggle and arrange her features into an expression of disapproval. As of five minutes from now, we are on vacation. We shall be taking our vacation in Florida; and we shall be visiting a particular location that may or may not be subject to a serious threat from a British based animal rights organization. If trouble should arise, we shall be dealing with it as guests in a foreign nation.
Is screwed. Thibor said succinctly.
Rather. Cammy agreed with a nod.
* * *
Be happy. Were supposed to be happy. Cammy grabbed hold of Thibors arm and pulled herself against him. Thibors features creased and then worked themselves into a smile; whether through sheer force of will, or the sensation of his commanding officer pressing against him. Everything was proceeding according to plan. They had parachuted into Briscayne County in a covert night drop. From there it had been a matter of securing lodging, renting a vehicle and making their way to their final destination. They had left their car in the parking lot; an overpowered, overpriced SUV that sucked gas in a manner that would strip the chrome from a trailer hitch.
As they were mingling among the Americans, they had both dressed casually. Open toed sandals, conservative shorts and brightly coloured t-shirts. Cammy had unbound her braids and arranged her hair in a single, long ponytail that fell well past her pert backside; reaching almost to the ground. Her t-shirt bore the image of a series of beloved British icons cavorting in a bucolic field; a tiger, a kangaroo, a pig, a donkey, an owl, a rabbit and a bear. By all appearances Cammys chest was a calm and soothing place that discouraged predation from carnivores. Thibor had his doubts about that. His own shirt stated that he was a graduate of the rather unlikely WhatsaMatta U.
Am happy. Thibor managed, If was any happier, would be clam.
Why do I dread the upcoming explanation. Cammy noted. No doubt something graphic about thriving in the effluvia of a sewer runoff.
Nothing that wholesome. Thibor said through a fixed smile. He stopped short, a shiver running through his body.
Major? Are you okay? Cammy asked.
Am fine. Thibor said with a slight nod towards the gates that loomed in front of them. It is just Have read briefing, have gone over tactical maps, memorized all locations, planned escape routes. Is just not really believing it until is seeing it.
Cammy glanced at the gate, feeling a shiver of her own. Thibor did have a point. It would be unkind to characterize the far reaches of the religious right of America as being a few cards short of a deck; but then something like this happened; and a few cards short of a deck seemed far too kind. Holy Sea World; to date the only amusement park to combine religion with baptisms, dolphin shows and a variety of rides. The gates were topped by the ginning, haloed visage of Jeremy the Holy Mackerel - the saintly finned mascot whose presence graced all major Holy Sea World literature. Jeremy, and in fact the entire Holy Sea World Park had been the invention of Jersey Chris the former fast food magnate. Years of excess cholesterol, fats and too much starch had precipitated a massive coronary; that had left the rotund Jersey desperately clinging to life. He had eventually recovered, but the experience had caused Jersey to turn away from burgers, burritos and sundry other American culinary debacles and find religion.
Final operational rundown. Thibor continued, shaking off the vision of divine Pisceans. Known superhuman members of ALF currently at large; Auntie Veal. Green Piece, The Vegetarian and Minke Whale.
Auntie Veal and Minke Whale have been observed using lethal force in previous encounters. Cammy noted. Probable conflict locations are the Loaves and Fishes Food Court, the Baptize with the Dolphins Pool, the Noahs Ark Petting Zoo or The Pontius Pilates of the Caribbean ride.
Is never ceasing to amaze me. Thibor took Cammys hand and squeezed it gently. Is no way could make it through list and not crack up. Something to be said for British ability of understatement.
Thank you Major. Cammy colored slightly. I will admit to have a rough time with the last one.
Thibor nodded his approval. The press of the crowd was beginning to close in as they queued up for tickets. The line moved with remarkable alacrity and within moments they had parted way with a thick wad of American dollars and received a pair of all-day rosaries, which were locked onto their wrists. Past the gate things took a turn for the surreal. The park was immaculately clean; with a bevy of smiling staff in sack-cloth robes dutifully scooping up any detritus and happily stuffing it into sedate bins. Children ran about happily, many of them clutching large, stuffed Mackerels, won from the concession stands.
Ooh! I love your hair! Its so beautiful! Cammy turned and came face to face with a seal. Not a real seal mind you. The young woman was dressed in a white, furry, mascot costume, her features barely visible beneath the large, over-cute, visage of a baby seal that perched on her head. It must have taken forever to grow.
Thank you. Cammy said; unsure as how to react to the over-enthusiastic compliment. Thats very kind of you to say.
And you have a great moustache sir! The seal turned her attention to Thibor. Easily the nicest one Ive seen today. And you both look so fit! I think working out that much shows great dedication!
Thank you again. Cammy said gracefully. You must be the Seal of Approval.
Yes! And youre so smart too! We really appreciate you coming! Welcome to Holy Sea World! With a final wave the seal-girl waddled off to harass the next group of tourists.
Why do I feel like weve fallen down the rabbit hole? Cammy said quietly.
Dont know. But is loving your hair and thinking you do look very fit. Thibor said with a straight face.
Thank you Major. Cammy coloured again. Well split up and initiate a sweep of the park. Sub-vocal check in on five minute intervals. Immediate notification if you spot any ALF members; but do not engage. Were outnumbered and I dont want to invite defeat in detail.
Affirmative. Thibor noted. Will also initiate and confirm contingency plan.
Good luck then. Cammy nodded. Oh and we have to win six of those awful stuffed fish.
Seven. Thibor corrected.
Halo, Sil, Hito, Naoko, Alice and Uriko. Cammy counted out. Thats only five.
Is having to win one for Peter too. Thibor said gravely. Am thinking wife is still upset with him and will appreciate something to cuddle up to that is warm, fuzzy, and
That will be enough Major. Cammy noted. Carry on.
* * *
Urp! Hey pretty lady. The man in the seal costume made a grab for Cammys shorts, but the lithe blonde easily dodged away. The Intelligent Design Science Center was a contradiction in terms; and populated by two of the seal mascots. Cammy fended off another grab by the lascivious seal.
That is not appropriate. Cammy said sternly. If you insist on carrying on as such I shall report you to your management.
Dont matter none. The seal drew himself up with as much dignity as a man in a fuzzy seal costume could; the effort was further marred as he belched explosively. We are the chosen of Jersey Chris. See!
I do not care if you were chosen by the papal council. Cammy said as the seal-mascot rolled up his furry, white sleeve to reveal an oddly shaped tattoo. You shall keep your tongue and your hands civil.
Why dont you stop yapping. The other seal said sourly. I hate your accent. I cant stand all you stuck up British types. You should ditch your Queen and get yourselves a President. Who did your hair? Braun Magi Blender?
It is a pity we are not in Canada; they have the good graces to allow uncontrolled seals to be clubbed. Cammy turned sharply on her heel and retreated. Gentlemen. That will be all.
* * *
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Stations of the cross here we come! Thibor found himself singing along with the animatronics pirates and Roman centurions. There was something inherently wrong and strangely right about the tale of the crucifixion being mixed liberally with fantasy pirate lore. The parrot was a nice touch, perched on one arm of the cross that the animatronics Pirate Jesus was dragging past the boat. Every few minutes it would screech out repent, be saved or Polly wants a communion wafer.
Arrggh! It be thirty pieces of silver I be taking. Pirate Judas danced a happy one-legged jig. But it be the rope for me ifn I get caught.
The boat plunged into a cave and Thibor used the cover of darkness to call on far more of his wolf than he could normally do without appearing obvious. He sensitive nose picked up several trace scents; the usual detritus of a theme park, but with patchouli oil, marijuana and krill among them. While not immediately suspicious, he noted them. His tufted ears twitched at the decidedly non piratical sounds coming from a darkened grotto; accompanied by corresponding smells. Well, perhaps they were piratical sounds and smells, but not those normally associated with a Christian themed aquatic amusement park. Or perhaps they were; he really did not have an accurate point of reference to base that assumption on. His eyes bled to a wolfish yellow. The darkness of the cave seemed to lift as he looked around. There. In a darkened niche there were two people engaged in a spirited bout of oral sex. Both of them wearing fuzzy seal costumes. Well, to each their own. Thibors eyes narrowed slightly. There was an additional heat signature rising from the wrists of both participants. It was hard to make out the details, but there were definitely characters of some sort inscribed there. Odd, but given the context under which it was being observed, odd was par for the course.
The light at the end of the tunnel beckoned, and Thibor let his beast form ebb back; returning his senses to their human limits. The boat emerged from the cave to a scene of a crew of pirate disciples, following a treasure map to where Pirate Jesus had been buried. They were going to be disappointed. Or not.
* * *
If elected I propose a penguin in every pot, an end to the yearly ritual of a Canadian club on the rocks and no Pelican Briefs. By the way, I did not have sexual relations with that Walrus.
Cammy edged away from the orator. Another nutter in a seal costume. Obviously the Presidential Seal. There was no escape from the things. The Dolphin Show and Baptismal Font was mostly empty, with the next show starting in the better part of an hour.
Hey sweet-cheeks, wanna be my intern? The Presidential Seal waddled in pursuit. He was brought up short and began backing away, his hands held up defensively.
I am so sorry about that. The voice was so low as to be a whisper. Cammy was taken aback. It was not every day you saw a nun with a bait bucket. He is merely misguided, but all will be forgiven soon.
Thank you. Cammy nodded to the nun.
You are welcome. The nun seemed small and slight, even covered with the thick, coarse wool of her habit. I am Sister Sweet Mercy
Cammy Hoyle. Cammy made to offer her hand, but realized that both of the nuns small hands were holding the bait bucket. She turned the gesture into an abbreviated bow.
Excuse me. The nun whispered. But I have to see to the dolphins before the next show. Would you like to help me?
Im afraid Ill have to pass. Thank you all the same. Cammy glanced at the pool wistfully. As much as she wanted to, she had to complete her circuit and rendezvous with Thibor. That didnt leave any time for distractions. Even ones that did amusing tricks for fish.
Are you sure? The nun whispered with some urgency. It may be your last chance.
I wish I could, but no. Cammy said, taking her leave, something nagging at her. There had been something oddly urgent in the Nuns final whisper.
***
I am beginning to despair that this is a wild goose chase. Cammy eyed her plate dubiously. Ordering fish and chips had almost been reflexive, but to do so at an aquatic theme park seemed to be overdoing it. Usually the presentation of a fish treat at such places involved some sort of performance.
Go ahead. Thibor caught Cammys expression and ran with it. Will not make you jump through hoop, perform back-flip or play Mary Had Little Lamb on row of horns.
That is reassuring Major. Cammy reached for the vinegar. And for my own part, I shall not refer to you as the old sea dog.
Arggh! Thibor rasped in best pirate fashion. It be war then. Is striking colours and preparing to be boarded.
With powder that old? Cammy said with an audible tut-tut. I would be surprised if you could raise the gun, let alone fire it.
It be depending on how is primed. Thibor countered. Is willing to kiss gunners daughter?
Not without permission from a superior officer. Cammy gave way, a blush rising. However, we should return to the matter at hand; rather than squander any more time on piratical banter.
Piratical banter to be done on own time. Thibor concurred. Have not spotted any indication of ALF members on site.
Neither have I. Perhaps the Colonel was mistaken. Cammy offered dubiously; not liking the implication. It didnt sit right. Colonel Byrd was easily the biggest bastard in Britain, and would no doubt place highly in the top five for all of Europe against some very heavy competition; but he also had an almost pre-natural ability to deploy his underlings into the path of oncoming locomotives.
Is not believing that. Thibor shook his head. Could manage Holy Mackerel; actually enjoyed Pontius Pilates of Caribbean; but is not believing this is nothing more than sadistic prank.
Granted. Cammy said. Although I did almost lose my composure at the seals. Whomever thought that up should have their head examined.
Have met Seal of Approval. Thibor confirmed. Have also seen two more. Am betting they are Blown Seal and Airtight Seal.
Perhaps you had better not expand on that. Cammy noted. I myself had the displeasure of meeting the Presidential Seal; the Seal of Disapproval and the Tupperware Seal.
Tupperware Seal? Thibors brow wrinkled.
Well he burped and was rather fresh. Cammy said dryly. He also wanted to show me his tattoos.
Saw markings on other seals too. Thibors eyes narrowed suspiciously. Is getting a good look at it?
Rather; despite my protests. Cammy reached into her purse and drew out a small notepad and pen. She flipped to a clean page and began drawing carefully. The seal in question also mentioned someone about being a chosen one of Jersey Chris. I cannot imagine why. Oh that is rich.
What is? Thibor watched as Cammy dissolved into giggles, hiding her mouth behind her hand.
Well Thibor. The rapture must truly be at hand. Cammy managed sliding the pad over to the werewolf. After all, we have seen six of the seven seals.
Oh Fu Thibor bit off the profanity and then glanced at the image that Cammy had drawn, reconsidered, and let it fly. Oh fuck!
Major. Cammy said with a calm that she suddenly did not feel. Am I correct in guessing, based on your outburst, that there is a seventh seal and that we are about to be swept up in the rapture?
Yes and no. Thibor explained. When dealing with religion is almost always one begetting another. In case of Old Testament, is stories of multiple gods brought under single heading. In new testament, when is talking about seven seals was tacked on with bunch of extra baggage; Hades, Moloch, Astoreth. Again is whole mixed bag of previous faiths; gangs all here list of ills. Am betting that someone has stumbled across ceremony for older god, and is confusing it with revelations in new testament.
Charming. Cammy noted dryly. I take it you have an idea what particular ill is being thrust upon us?
Is giving a second. Thibor reached over and gently tugged the pen from Cammys hand. It was fortunate that the placemats in the Loaves and Fishes Food Court featured a map of the park. He quickly noted the location of each of the seals and connected them with a series of lines, crossing some out and then re-drawing them. Baal.
Baal? Cammys shoulders slumped. I take it that this is not going to be pleasant.
Is getting worse. Thibor continued to sketch. Baal is more general term used to signify lord of something in ancient Hebrew. Is bunch of Baal types worshipped. Lord of Flies is one Baal Zebib Beelzebub. Is not him. Am betting is Baal Phegor Beelphegor; is sometimes said to be same as Chemosh of the Moabites. Will have to ask if arrives.
If it arrives? Are you telling me that someone is summoning an ancient god? Cammy gaped.
Could be god. Could be demon; could even be extra-dimensional entity or even alien; but am betting is god. Thibor said; watching as Cammy seemed to shrink in her chair. It was understandable; aliens, super villains and even vampires were bad; but they didnt tend to bring the emotional, social or psychological baggage that fighting gods did. Some people never managed to get over the hump; and it wasnt something you could help them with. They either made it over on their own, or they didnt.
Well then. Cammy straightened in her chair and undid her ponytail. We had best get to it then. We shall stop the summoning if we can; if not, we shall give that Moabite bugger a sound thrashing and send it on its way.
Can be done. Thibor smiled wolfishly as Cammys nimble fingers quickly arranged her mass of long, blonde hair into a pair of braids. So it is time to find Seventh Seal.
Out of curiosity. Cammy dug into her purse and came up with her Beret and the small, foil pouch that contained her costume. How is the Seventh Seal breached.
Well, Beelphegor is often mentioned in context of religious orgies. Based on Blown Seal, Airtight Seal, Tupperware Seal and Presidential Seal Thibor let the explanation hang in the air.
Of course; I wasnt holding out much hope for a different answer. Cammy said getting up and walking towards the washrooms. Very well. I shall be a moment changing. Initiate the contingency plan.
* * *
Major. Cammy asked as she and Thibor ran from the Food Court. Have you ever fought a god? The map had shown that management was located in the glass cathedral that dominated the center of the park. It seemed the best place to start. They were taking the shortcut through the Noahs Ark Petting Zoo. In order the keep a lower profile, Thibor had changed fully into a wolf; albeit one who was wearing pants, in deference to the venue. A pony sized dog was just slightly less conspicuous than a seven foot werewolf.
Couple of times. Thibor growled. Kicked Thor in nuts three years ago.
Professional disagreement? Cammy asked.
No. Was Asgardian dick mixing mead and Jack Daniels. Thibor explained. Was deep in cups and is going on about Tyr beating him to punch in chaining Fenris wolf; and saying is just as brave. So am coming back from hydrant and suddenly is trying to tie motorcycle chain around neck. Dont tell anyone, but after three or four kicks am betting that Odin isnt only one short matched set in family.
Very well. Cammy paused, glancing at a young, bespectacled, redheaded woman who was feeding greenish pellets to a goat. The woman was clad in an outrageously tight body stocking, patterned like a Holstein cow. A large, golden cowbell rested atop her breasts. Her expression was suspiciously happy, as were the small horns that peaked out from under her red hair. Well the horns were suspicious, but not necessarily happy.
Auntie! Auntie! Theyre here! IST is here! The redhead looked around in panic and then began fussing with the bell around her neck, causing it to ring and rattle.
Oh bother. Cammy skidded to a stop and twisted, bringing her back up against Thibors. There werewolf has assumed his bipedal form and was scanning the crowd. Major! Tactical.
Take your medicine dear. A wiry old woman pushed through the crowd; dressed in a severe, shapeless black dress. We shall punish these meat-eating, animal enslaving, miscreants.
Auntie Veal. Cammy confirmed. One of the ALF ringleaders; and possibly their most lethal member. A powerful telekinetic, whose favored tactic was incapacitating her foes and then finishing them off with a bolt-gun of telekinetic force to the forehead.
Hey. Another man emerged, emitting the stench of patchouli oil and marijuana. Like wow. Were so totally going to stop you.
Consider yourselves licked. A buxom woman added, her fingers playing in the vines twined through her luxurious, green, hair. Well that is if you are lucky and ask really nicely.
The Vegetarian and Green Piece. Thibor noted. The new age husband and wife couple were more subtly dangerous. The Vegetarian could grow and control plants, as well as emit a variety of naturally occurring pharmacological substances. His wife had powerful emotion manipulation powers and mind controlling pheromones.
And Minke Whale. We really do not have time for this. Cammy dodged out of the way as a huge form encased in a sheath of black, vulcanized rubber slammed into the space she had occupied moments before. Minke Whale was a tall, heavyset woman, with the deceptively smooth musculature of a Sumo wrestler. She was superhumanly strong and resilient and made up for her lack of hand to hand elegance by belly flopping onto her opponents, crushing their ribs and suffocating them.
Fiona! Auntie Veal shouted at the red-head. Smash them.
But Auntie! The cow girl said, looking confused. Hes an animal! We love animals dont we?
So that is how it is in your family. Thibor nodded. Would explain horns.
I said smash them! Take your pills! Auntie Veal stomped her foot.
Okay Auntie. Looking dubious, the cow girl pulled a bottle of pills from out of the cow bell. The label was briefly visible. Bovine Rage Supplements.
Like Fionas going to expand her mind. The Vegetarian threw a handful of seeds down. As they hit the ground they expanded outward as leafy, green vines that swarmed towards Cammy. The lithe blonde tried to dodge, but the vines snared her. In less than a second she was completely trapped, struggling against her leafy confines.
Hey there unwitting accomplice in the genocide of meat. Green Piece nuzzled up to Cammy. I bet I could convince you to eat more green things. Want to join the revolution?
Thibors hackles raised as a musky, flowery smell rolled over him; he was glad he was still wearing pants. If the effect of Green Pieces pheromones could be felt where he was, how bad would it be for Cammy? Best find out. He tried to rush to help the two women reach an understanding, but his feet were locked to the ground. Autie Veals telekinesis made trying to move them like wading through hip deep mud.
Mad Cow Smash! The cow girl swallowed the pill. Immediately the whites of her eyes became a dark red and previously hidden muscles bulged and shifted under her bovine body stocking. Thibor grinned even wider.
Why are you so happy young man? Auntie Veal said sharply. Were about to kill you.
Because sofea, he brought backup. A bolt of plasma shot down from the sky, turning the vines holding Cammy into so many withered stalks. Green Piece dodged away from the flames, the tips of her long green tresses smoking. Hovering above the combatants, Colonel Carmen Santos Bella Fuego of IST Madrid, directed a wave of flame over Cammy. The flame flowed over her and then retreated, leaving the blonde untouched. Thibor snorted, all traces of the pheromone had been burned away without singeing a single blonde hair on Cammys head.
More than one backup. Another voice called out; bearing the barest hit of a French accent. Here pretty cow. Im wearing fur. Come on moo-moo. Come to Jackie.
Jackie Frost, also of IST Madrid; a sometimes criminal and long time friend of Bella Fuego. She was currently back with IST on probation; but it remained to be seen whether or not her often too lavish expenses would reach beyond her generous salary and send her back to jewel heists. She was also a shameless hedonist and exhibitionist. Her impossibly buxom figure was accented by the tiniest of blue bikinis; her feet shod in short, furred, high heeled boots; her eyes concealed behind mirrored ski-goggles. Her short, blonde bob cut was fashionably disarrayed. While she was the same age as Bella Fuego, her super-cooled metabolism kept her looking almost twenty years younger. A trait that Carmen was rightfully envious of.
Bella Fuego and Jackie Frost. Thibor explained.
Or you can call us Snow-Globes and Smoke-Stacked. Jackie said happily, pirouetting as a shower of snowflakes materialized and rained down around her.
Wear fur! Mad Cow Smash! Taunted and enraged, Mad Cow made an abbreviated charge at Jackie. As she neared the tall, blonde woman, her feet went out from under her and she slammed heavily to the ground, sliding along the suddenly icy pavement and ending up in a heap at Jackies feet.
Uhhh!! Mooooo! As Mad Cow struggled back to her feet, Jackie embraced her from behind. There was a crackling noise as a thin film of frost covered Mad Cow completely. Jackie stepped away from the immobile villainess and considered her frozen figure carefully.
Cute but dumb. Is it cold in here, or is it just me? Jackie shivered dramatically and glanced down at her own magnificent chest for confirmation. Both!
Oh man! The Vegetarian pressed his small, round, John Lennon glasses up the bridge of his nose. My vines! Youve just totally harshed my mellow. Un-cool.
How dreadfully impolite of us. Cammy commiserated; moving in on the thin hippy. She ducked as he unleashed a spray of a suspicious pink mist, rolling past him and coming up to her feet in a supremely agile motion. Without pausing she kicked backwards, slamming her foot into the back of the Vegetarians head. He was propelled forwards, his face striking a fence post with a meaty thud. As Cammy moved to finish the battered hippy off, two large, flipper-like arms grabbed her from behind.
Gotcha! Minke Whales arms completely enfolded the small blonde, as she crushed Cammy to her chest. With a grunt, the enormous villainess leaped skyward with dread intent. Im going to whale on you!
You had your chance. Green Piece shrugged at Cammys predicament, as she wove and dodged around the plasma bolts that Bella Fuego was firing at her. Hey old lady, are your eyes going? You cant even hit me.
Young man, this is for your own good. With a gesture Auntie Veal sent a bolt of telekinetic force into Thibors chest. It was like being struck by a wrecking ball and the impact rocked Thibor back on his heels, which stayed rooted to the spot. With a howl, Thibor slammed his claws into the ground, uprooting a huge chunk of asphalt, which he hurled at the immobilized Mad Cow.
Fiona! Auntie Veal gestured causing a force field to spring up between the missile and her frozen niece. The asphalt shattered and rained down harmlessly around Mad Cow. She turned back to Thibor and had a moment of clarity. In saving her niece she had diverted power away from holding the werewolf in check. The selfsame werewolf was now in front of her. The final revelation was that the old saw of it not being nice to punch old ladies in the face was not necessarily universal; especially for people who you were previously trying to kill. The revelation was cut short as Thibors fist ploughed through the field she hastily tried to erect. Even slowed somewhat, the impact slammed her ten feet into the air, and she landed on the ground in an unconscious heap.
Stay still puta! Bella Fuegos plasma blasts were perilously close and Green Piece dodged with increasing difficulty. This wasnt fun anymore; the fiery super heroine was trying to kill her. Green Piece liked it hot and wet, but not several thousand degrees of dry heat Celsius hot. In desperation she leapt blindly to the right. There was an impact and everything went dark.
Cute but dumb. Jackie repeated. Carmens carefully placed misses had sent Green Piece straight into her. For Green Piece the world was momentarily a soft, warm, place that smelled faintly of very expensive French perfume. It suddenly got very, very cold and try as she might, she couldnt move a muscle.
You could have just punched her. Bella Fuego called down as Jackie dislodged the frozen Green Piece from the deep canyon of her cleavage.
Wheres the fun in that? Jackie called back as she gently patted the cheek of the immobile villainess. Sorry sweetie, but youre going to the frozen treats section of our local prison.
Ugh! Cammy struggled in the sweaty, rubbery confines of Minke Whales grip. The ground had fallen away under her and was now making a reappearance as Minke turned in the air, intending to make a whale and pavement sandwich with a decidedly British filling. Cammy inhaled as deeply as the pressure on her allowed and then exhaled explosively, simultaneously pushing upwards on the arms that held her. The technique worked and she shot out of Minkes grasp like an orange pip.
Like what have you done to my wife? The Vegetarian groggily got to his feet and readjusted his glasses. One lens was cracked, the other gone entirely. He reached into his belt pouch and brought out a handful of seeds, intending to scatter them about. Karmas going to get you!
Excuse me. Coming through. Cammy announced as she landed with both feet on The Vegetarian; her arrival greeted with the snap of both of his collar bones. The impact slammed the slim man to the ground, while Cammy neatly turned the force of the impact into a series of rolls and flips which allowed her to bleed away the worst of it. Well, we have beef and two veg. Thibor, do see about the fish.
Mammal! Minke Whale corrected. She had lost her original victim, but the werewolf had foolishly taken a position under her. She would crush him as she landed. At the last possible second Thibor sidestepped neatly out of the way. Minke Whale smashed into the pavement with a crash that shook everything within a thirty foot radius. Before she had a chance to get up again, Thibor smashed down on the back of her head with doubled fists. Trapped between the unmoving ground and the force of the werewolfs punch, Minkes head took the full force of the impact, which was enough to render her unconscious.
Thats it for the fish. Oh sorry. Mammal. Cammy noted. Best we get the chips.
Is not chips. Thibor nudged the insensate Minke Whale with a toe. Is flakes.
Frosted flakes. Jackie added sending out blasts of ice which secured all the unconscious villains in bonds of ice. Theyre great.
Well that was only the warm up. Cammy said quickly. We have to find the seventh seal before shes um breached and an ancient Moabite god is unleashed upon the earth.
So were to be on the lookout for a tight seal? Jackie started to laugh, but was cut short by a rather disapproving glance from Cammy. Whatever. Like your Paul McCartney said I am the Walrus.
Dont ask. Thibor cautioned, cutting off the question from his commander. Am betting is Cathedral and bother.
Cammy smiled for the briefest moment as Thibor admirably controlled his language; it was appreciated, but he should not have bothered, as she was considering using exactly the same word he had been planning. Above them, the sun had vanished behind black clouds that whirled and circled over the park. Lightening rained down and small bits of fiery brimstone began pelting the park, setting innumerable small fires.
It is done. Jersey Chris walked from the Cathedral, a hastily donned bath-robe covering his rotund body. The Seventh Seal has been unlocked and the moment of our Lord is at hand.
Ew. Jackies nose wrinkled. I refuse to believe that the rapture will be heralded by a man who uses the term unlocked instead of
He comes! The swirling vortex of clouds became even blacker and there was the sound of thousands of souls screaming out in agony. Jersey Chris turned his face to the clouds and closed his eyes in ecstasy. Okay Lord! Lemme have it!
Cammy bit her lower lip. Despite all her training; nothing could really prepare her for the emergence of a god. Would she even be able to look on one. Beside her Thibor was tensed, the werewolfs powerful claws clenched and unclenched, and his teeth were bared in a decidedly lupine smile. The complete and utter rotter. He was actually looking forward to this.
The skies ripped in two and there was a sudden gasp of indrawn breath as the sixty foot mackerel fell from the skies, landing on top of Jersey Chris with an audible and presumably fatal splat. The enormous fish flapped and heaved for a moment, the great gills working frantically.
Okay. Beelphegor is other name for Moabite god Chemosh. Thibor nodded, pleased at being able to confirm the theory. One form of Chemosh was giant fish.
Are you telling me that that horrible little man has unleashed a gargantuan cod on the world? Cammy said archly. Well let me be the first to say that I am more than a little let down by this particular visitation. Holy Mackerel indeed.
Chemosh was also known as destructor. Thibor said. Here we go.
Well thats more like it. Cammy said. The fish vanished, replaced by a thirty foot tall figure. The creature was humanoid, with great eagles wings stretching out from his back. His head was that of a lion. The body was covered with glistening golden scales that shimmered as fire and lightening played over them.
Thibor. Carmen took to the air again. You are the expert; how do we sent it back?
Not entirely sure. Thibor admitted. But am hoping that because ritual was bound in mortal blood and mortal seed, is mortal avatar of godly force. Can be destroyed and sent back to wherever it came from.
And if it is not? Cammy asked.
Then we convert and beg forgiveness for what we are about to do to it. Jackie said. The tall blonde was looking slightly uncertain. I hate this.
As Cammy and Thibor moved forward, their way was blocked by the small, blonde nun, who threw out her arms, presenting a barrier.
This is our god returned. The nun pleaded in a tight whisper. None can stand against him.
I am truly sorry, but we must. As Cammy tried to brush past the nun seized her arm and executed a perfect throw, tossing her to the ground with bone-shaking force.
Then you must be punished! The nuns shouted all meekness vanished. For you shall feel the wrath of Sister Sweet Mercy Denied!
Thibor raised one bushy eyebrow as the nun threw away her habit to reveal an outfit comprised of the minimum number of leather straps required to keep things at bay. Reaching behind her back she pulled out a double pair of crucifixes, their tops joined by thin chains; whipping them around like unwieldy nunchaku, displaying consummate skills that would draw a slightly choked chicken noise from Bruce Lee. It wasnt surprising. Holy Sea World had demonstrated that restraint was something for lesser mortals; a kung-fu nun in a leather thong was no less extreme than anything else he had seen that day.
For the first time in my life, I am not disappointed about getting nun. Jackie punned lasciviously. She made to advance but was brought up short as Cammy kipped off the ground and waved her off.
Ill handle this. See to Beelphegor. Cammy said hotly. Thibor could see that getting caught off guard had hurt Cammys pride and she was about erase any shame she might be feeling by pitting her considerable martial arts mastery against that of the leather-clad, kung-fu nun. As much as Thibor wanted to watch, there were bigger fish gods to fry.
I blame you. Jackie gestured, causing a ramp of ice to form ahead of her as she headed towards Beelphegor. You drag me out of sunny, cosmopolitan, Madrid; force me to visit this ridiculous bastion of American culture and then drop an ancient Moabite god on me. Thibor, as painful as this is to say; you no longer know how to take a woman out and show her a good time.
There was no good answer to that and Thibor turned slightly, stuck his long, wolfish tongue out and blew a raspberry at her.
Okay. Perhaps you do still remember. Jackie winked.
Parada! Both of you. Bella Fuego barely held back the laugh. The god should not be kept waiting.
Thibor nodded, his muscles tensing to leap. Beelphegor was still looking around as if slightly stunned. The world had changed since last he walked the earth. Thibor felt a momentary kinship with the deity. He knew his own reaction to Holy Sea World had been pretty extreme and he was far more in touch with the current century.
My world! The lions head roared out. The language wasnt English, but somehow everyone understood what was said. Once more this is my world!
Someones got their Lions crossed. Jackie unleashed a torrent of ice into the gaping maw. The god stepped back, taken by surprise, and then the great jaws flexed, crushing the ice and sending glittering splinters everywhere. He turned towards the annoyance as Thibor leapt. As casual swat of his fiat sized hand smashed the werewolf back to the ground.
Are you gods? The Lions head oriented on them, the eyes blazing with hellish fire.
Say yes Ray. Jackie babbled fearfully. When someone asks if you are a god, you say yes.
Will handle it. Thibor climbed painfully to his feet. He brushed the dust and fragments of asphalt from his fur. Great Beelphegor. Chemosh of the Moabites. Destructor. Am Thibor Sawchyk of International Super Teams. You have made unauthorized entry into world and as fully authorized agent with duty to protect said world, am telling you to leave. Now. Do not let door hit you on way out. Oh and on personal note, is feeling free to kiss furry Romani arse. Now, fuck off!
Dont listen to him. Hes crazy. Jackie said. The god stood motionless for a moment. It had understood exactly what Thibor said and was not terribly happy with it. With a incoherent roar of rage, it raised its hand, conjuring a bolt of hellish fire that rained down on Jackie and Thibor.
* * *
Hes not the god you think he is. Cammy blocked a particularly cunning mantis kick with her wrist, while simultaneously ducking to bring her head out of line with the nunchaku strike that followed it.
Yes he is! I shall punish you for your heresy! You have brought the beast and lain with him. Sister Sweet Mercy Denied yelled as she pressed the attack with berserk intensity. Cammy weathered the assault, blocking and dodging. She rather preferred the nun when she was quiet, polite, and feeding dolphins.
Very well. I have tried to be civil, but you are starting to get right up my spout. For the first time in the fight, Cammy switched to the offensive. Sister Sweet Mercy Denied faltered for a moment as Cammy exploded into a flurry of fast, precise kicks and punches. One nunchaku was knocked away and then the second as Cammy started landing punches and kicks with frightening accuracy. Although it is none of your business, I have not lain with the beast, and I rather resent your insinuation and Thibor!
Cammy gasped as the bolt of hellfire slammed down towards the werewolf.
* * *
Were alive. Jackie managed. The god was still channeling the flame, but mere feet from them, it suddenly veered upwards into Carmen!
Thibor watched as the flaming nimbus around Bella Fuego grew brighter and brighter. Carmens control of heat and flame allowed her to absorb combustion like a sponge soaked up water. The god redoubled its efforts, and still the flame was drawn into the flying heroine. Shining like a star, Bella Fuego let loose a guttural scream as the hellish flame coruscated around her. The god paused, the flames from its hands dying out.
My turn asquerosos! Carmen shouted over the roar of the flames. The Lions head exploded as Bella Fuego drove the bolt of plasma into it. Still shouting she played the beam down the body. The great eagle wings shriveled and blackened, the feathers burning away under the flaming onslaught. The golden scales sloughed away, melting to form liquid pools at the gods feed. With a final, incoherent scream, Carmen drove a bolt, even brighter than the last, through the gods chest, leaving a gaping, seared hole.
Beelphegor; Chemosh of the Moabites staggered; and tried to take stock of the situation. Looking down at the hole in its chest was made difficult by the utter lack of a head. With a high-pitched keening, the god began falling to pieces, each of which was sucked up into the swirling void above it. As the last piece vanished, the skies cleared, leaving the day as bright and sunny as it had been.
Carmen! Jackie saw Bella Fuego begin falling, her flame aura flickering on and off. The buxom heroine gestured, creating a spiraling ice shoot, that brought her commander safely to the ground. The ice around Bella Fuego sublimated into steam as she lay there, trying to catch her breath.
Both of you! Carmen managed finally. When it asks if you are a god; the correct answer is No, but if she gets mad, you had better start praying to yours.
Is everyone all right? Cammy dropped the insensate nun to the ground. The blonde martial artists left eye was blackened and swollen closed. The nun looked far worse for wear. Cammy glanced around at the destruction. Small fires still burned all over the park and the panicked crowd still milled about. Thibor, go see if Mr. Chris survived.
Jackie. Crowd control, and make sure that ALF is still secure. Carmen got up stiffly and worked a kink out of her neck. With a snap of her fingers all the flames about the park arced towards her, replenishing her aura.
Jersey Chris is gone. Thibor cocked an ear and sniffed the air. No heartbeat. No respiration. Is also only four inches thick; so diagnosis is not too surprising. Would ask how is getting black eye, but am betting that there was no reason.
Nun. Cammy nodded in agreement. I am very disappointed in her. Admittedly I did let my guard down when I thought you were being fried, but that is really no excuse. The Marquis of Queensbury would be very disappointed with her.
Only because she is nun so he would not get any. Thibor winced slightly as Cammy punched him hard in the arm. Was talking about absolution. Would need priest for that Or Oscar Wilde.
Major. That is enough. Cammy sighed. She walked over to a bench and sat down. I really do not know how were going to write this one up.
Were not. Thibor sat down next to her an slid an arm around her shoulders. Is on vacation. Remember?
Thibor. Holy Sea World is in ruins, ALF is in our custody awaiting extradition to Britain, and one of Americas leading fast food magnates is only slightly thicker than his world famous bulbous burger patty. I dread the paperwork that this is going to cause. Cammy leaned into the werewolf, grabbing his tail and wrapping it around her body. I am sure it could be worse, but at this moment, I am not sure how.
Hey guys move over. Jackie bumped Thibor with her hip and settled down next to the couple. ALF is still on ice; Carmen is arranging a little covert transportation to get them out of the country, and yours truly arranged a little accident in the security room, so we dont have to worry about being on the security cameras.
That is smashing news. Cammy brightened somewhat. How can I thank you.
Well you can start by lending me Thibor for a few hours. Dont worry, Ill give him back when Im finished. Jackie pressed against the werewolf from the other side.
Wot? Cammys tone became as icy as Jackies powers. Come again?
Thats right. Jackie purred, utterly ignoring Cammys tone. So its okay then?
No it bloody well is not. Cammy go up and walked around to stand in front of the taller, icy heroine. Are you seriously suggesting that
Oh. Im sorry. Jackie got up. At six feet she towered over Cammy by almost eight inches. So youd rather come with me then?
Wot? No! Cammy was flustered by the suggestion. She glanced at Thibor, who was desperately trying to keep his game face under control.
Both at the same time then. Jackie filled in. Im so there.
You mean..? No. Cammy managed through an increasingly red blush. Not both.
Just Thibor then. Jackie shrugged. Will you be watching?
I will not be watching! Cammy raised her voice.
Then you are joining in. Great. Jackie said.
One moment Cammy took a deep, calming breath. We are not in a Carry On movie, so let me be perfectly clear on this. Thibor will not be sleeping with you. I will not be sleeping with you. We will not be sleeping with you together.
Works for me. Jackie smiled. Sleeping definitely wasnt on the agenda.
I give up. Cammy threw her arms in the air. Very well. We shall.
Lucky. Jackie said. Ready when you are.
Oh I am sorry. Cammy added. I neglected to mention when. Specifically when hell freezes over and furthermore
Thibor grimaced as snow began falling around them and the temperature dropped into the negatives. Cammy glared at Jackie for a moment and then shrugged and threw a short, hard uppercut into the taller womans solar plexus.
* * *
Achoo! Cammy reached for another tissue and pulled the afghan tighter around her shoulders. In retrospect, trying to punch Jackie had not been a particularly good strategy. Next time, she would use a very large gun at a very great distance.
Have brought tea with lemon. Thibor slipped into Cammys room and set a fully loaded tea tray in front of her Cammy. He snatched it up again as Cammy let loose another fierce sneeze. Jackies power placed the frozen victim in a state of semi-suspended animation. Most people shook it off without too much trouble when they thawed, but the occasional cold did crop up.
Thank you. Cammy managed thickly. How are things in the office?
Good. Thibor said. Is handing out plush, stuffed, fishes. Were not big hit; well except for Hito. Is eating hers. Most is ending up back on Naokos desk.
Naoko liked them? Cammy considered; she hadnt really thought Naoko would be a big collector of stuffed animals. Well, to each their own. With Holy Sea World closed for the foreseeable future, it was unlikely that there would be more of them. Aha.
E-bay. Cammy and Thibor said simultaneously. The fish would likely be highly sought after, considering the great mystery of what happened.
Have there been any further difficulties from our American Allies. Cammy allowed Thibor to pour her a cup of tea.
No. Is being very quiet about whole thing. Thibor added a biscuit to Cammys saucer and handed it over. Well except for Mel Gibson. Has optioned story of Jerseys life for film. Is planning to call it the Passion of the Chris.
Please tell me you are kidding. Cammy winced.
No. And is planning to shoot whole thing in American; and refuses to allow subtitles for people who speak English. Thibor continued glibly.
I suspect it will be another box office smash. Cammy said dryly. I take it that ALF are safely ensconced in prison.
Unfortunately no. Thibor shrugged. Carmen arranged refrigerated container and is getting them as far as Heathrow. Then is running afoul of Health and Safety issues.
About letting Mad Cow back into Britain. Cammy finished. So they are secure then?
Affirmative. Thibor admitted with a grin. Am getting back to office. Is needing anything else?
Not for the moment. Cammy closed her eyes and held the tea cup up in front of her face, savoring the way that the heavy lemon scent soothed her stuffy nose and throat. On, there is one more thing Major.
Yes. Thibor paused at the door.
Youre to be joining me this evening for dinner and pirate banter. Cammy threw in as good an arrghh as her sore throat would allow.
I be bringing sea biscuits and salt beef then. Thibor saluted and sauntered off humming a sea shanty about Roman judicial techniques in the time of Tiberius.
Language notes:
Sofea Ugly, monstrous, monster.
Asquerosos Asshole
Parada Stop/Halt
While I started an ALF storyline some years ago (when there was the ruckus about the Queen of England wringing a pheasants neck) I lost the original but resurrected the villains (and added a new one) for this story based loosely on an IST Madrid one-shot game I ran. There is one guest star from a previous Thibor story Bella Fuego, as well as one of the NPC/PCs from the Madrid game the irrepressible Jackie Frost. Enjoy.
IST Headquarters Great Britain.
Cammy looked up from the report on her desk. The knock was due any moment. She counted down the last few seconds. There it was; a single strident rap. As if someone tapping, tapping not so gently on her office door. The distance between her office and Major Sawchyks office could be covered in three minutes at a brisk walk; two minutes at a light jog; or 45 seconds if one was willing to race through the halls, elbowing people out of the way and generally wreaking havoc. The count stood at 43 seconds.
Hello Major. Cammy smiled as Thibor came in, shutting the door behind him. Thibor never waited to be asked in and had successfully broken Cammy of the habit of asking people in. One of the werewolfs myriad of tricks for keeping supernatural terrors at bay. Please, have a seat and we can discuss this like rational people.
No. Thibor shook his head. He slumped into the chair. Is not talking about this like rational people. Is not rational at all.
That may be the case Major, but we are professionals; we are soldiers; and we shall deal with the problem as such. Cammy parroted Thibors usual litany back at him; albeit with fewer profanities.
You mean by calling in air force and carpet bombing into oblivion? Thibor said. There was a hint of a smile playing across his thick, Slavic features.
I had considered it. Cammy couldnt help herself and let out a solitary giggle, hiding it behind her hand. Thibor was caught up in the moment and burst out with a short bark of laughter. While I agree that it is ludicrous, Colonel Byrd feels that the danger it represents is significant enough to warrant a further investigation. Despite what our American allies seem to think.
Is thinking that there is separation of church and state, but is not separating elected official from campaign contribution gravy train. Thibor confirmed. Owner of park is very generous with contributions to political figures who are of similar faith. Or officials willing to fake big, wet, glorious, audible, faith-gasms in public to get re-election campaign money.
That is perhaps one too many graphic details. Cammy said archly. But correct for the most part. Our American allies have been quite emphatic on IST not sending agents; despite the threat being from a British source.
And lo. Did Colonel Byrd alight from high aerie. Thibor gestured broadly. And from him did drop the result of dozen suspect curries. His underlings were thus struck; fulfilling eleventh commandment; that it shall flow downhill. And lo; did Captain ONeal kiss that which brought forth
Thats enough Major. Cammy managed to cut off the giggle and arrange her features into an expression of disapproval. As of five minutes from now, we are on vacation. We shall be taking our vacation in Florida; and we shall be visiting a particular location that may or may not be subject to a serious threat from a British based animal rights organization. If trouble should arise, we shall be dealing with it as guests in a foreign nation.
Is screwed. Thibor said succinctly.
Rather. Cammy agreed with a nod.
* * *
Be happy. Were supposed to be happy. Cammy grabbed hold of Thibors arm and pulled herself against him. Thibors features creased and then worked themselves into a smile; whether through sheer force of will, or the sensation of his commanding officer pressing against him. Everything was proceeding according to plan. They had parachuted into Briscayne County in a covert night drop. From there it had been a matter of securing lodging, renting a vehicle and making their way to their final destination. They had left their car in the parking lot; an overpowered, overpriced SUV that sucked gas in a manner that would strip the chrome from a trailer hitch.
As they were mingling among the Americans, they had both dressed casually. Open toed sandals, conservative shorts and brightly coloured t-shirts. Cammy had unbound her braids and arranged her hair in a single, long ponytail that fell well past her pert backside; reaching almost to the ground. Her t-shirt bore the image of a series of beloved British icons cavorting in a bucolic field; a tiger, a kangaroo, a pig, a donkey, an owl, a rabbit and a bear. By all appearances Cammys chest was a calm and soothing place that discouraged predation from carnivores. Thibor had his doubts about that. His own shirt stated that he was a graduate of the rather unlikely WhatsaMatta U.
Am happy. Thibor managed, If was any happier, would be clam.
Why do I dread the upcoming explanation. Cammy noted. No doubt something graphic about thriving in the effluvia of a sewer runoff.
Nothing that wholesome. Thibor said through a fixed smile. He stopped short, a shiver running through his body.
Major? Are you okay? Cammy asked.
Am fine. Thibor said with a slight nod towards the gates that loomed in front of them. It is just Have read briefing, have gone over tactical maps, memorized all locations, planned escape routes. Is just not really believing it until is seeing it.
Cammy glanced at the gate, feeling a shiver of her own. Thibor did have a point. It would be unkind to characterize the far reaches of the religious right of America as being a few cards short of a deck; but then something like this happened; and a few cards short of a deck seemed far too kind. Holy Sea World; to date the only amusement park to combine religion with baptisms, dolphin shows and a variety of rides. The gates were topped by the ginning, haloed visage of Jeremy the Holy Mackerel - the saintly finned mascot whose presence graced all major Holy Sea World literature. Jeremy, and in fact the entire Holy Sea World Park had been the invention of Jersey Chris the former fast food magnate. Years of excess cholesterol, fats and too much starch had precipitated a massive coronary; that had left the rotund Jersey desperately clinging to life. He had eventually recovered, but the experience had caused Jersey to turn away from burgers, burritos and sundry other American culinary debacles and find religion.
Final operational rundown. Thibor continued, shaking off the vision of divine Pisceans. Known superhuman members of ALF currently at large; Auntie Veal. Green Piece, The Vegetarian and Minke Whale.
Auntie Veal and Minke Whale have been observed using lethal force in previous encounters. Cammy noted. Probable conflict locations are the Loaves and Fishes Food Court, the Baptize with the Dolphins Pool, the Noahs Ark Petting Zoo or The Pontius Pilates of the Caribbean ride.
Is never ceasing to amaze me. Thibor took Cammys hand and squeezed it gently. Is no way could make it through list and not crack up. Something to be said for British ability of understatement.
Thank you Major. Cammy colored slightly. I will admit to have a rough time with the last one.
Thibor nodded his approval. The press of the crowd was beginning to close in as they queued up for tickets. The line moved with remarkable alacrity and within moments they had parted way with a thick wad of American dollars and received a pair of all-day rosaries, which were locked onto their wrists. Past the gate things took a turn for the surreal. The park was immaculately clean; with a bevy of smiling staff in sack-cloth robes dutifully scooping up any detritus and happily stuffing it into sedate bins. Children ran about happily, many of them clutching large, stuffed Mackerels, won from the concession stands.
Ooh! I love your hair! Its so beautiful! Cammy turned and came face to face with a seal. Not a real seal mind you. The young woman was dressed in a white, furry, mascot costume, her features barely visible beneath the large, over-cute, visage of a baby seal that perched on her head. It must have taken forever to grow.
Thank you. Cammy said; unsure as how to react to the over-enthusiastic compliment. Thats very kind of you to say.
And you have a great moustache sir! The seal turned her attention to Thibor. Easily the nicest one Ive seen today. And you both look so fit! I think working out that much shows great dedication!
Thank you again. Cammy said gracefully. You must be the Seal of Approval.
Yes! And youre so smart too! We really appreciate you coming! Welcome to Holy Sea World! With a final wave the seal-girl waddled off to harass the next group of tourists.
Why do I feel like weve fallen down the rabbit hole? Cammy said quietly.
Dont know. But is loving your hair and thinking you do look very fit. Thibor said with a straight face.
Thank you Major. Cammy coloured again. Well split up and initiate a sweep of the park. Sub-vocal check in on five minute intervals. Immediate notification if you spot any ALF members; but do not engage. Were outnumbered and I dont want to invite defeat in detail.
Affirmative. Thibor noted. Will also initiate and confirm contingency plan.
Good luck then. Cammy nodded. Oh and we have to win six of those awful stuffed fish.
Seven. Thibor corrected.
Halo, Sil, Hito, Naoko, Alice and Uriko. Cammy counted out. Thats only five.
Is having to win one for Peter too. Thibor said gravely. Am thinking wife is still upset with him and will appreciate something to cuddle up to that is warm, fuzzy, and
That will be enough Major. Cammy noted. Carry on.
* * *
Urp! Hey pretty lady. The man in the seal costume made a grab for Cammys shorts, but the lithe blonde easily dodged away. The Intelligent Design Science Center was a contradiction in terms; and populated by two of the seal mascots. Cammy fended off another grab by the lascivious seal.
That is not appropriate. Cammy said sternly. If you insist on carrying on as such I shall report you to your management.
Dont matter none. The seal drew himself up with as much dignity as a man in a fuzzy seal costume could; the effort was further marred as he belched explosively. We are the chosen of Jersey Chris. See!
I do not care if you were chosen by the papal council. Cammy said as the seal-mascot rolled up his furry, white sleeve to reveal an oddly shaped tattoo. You shall keep your tongue and your hands civil.
Why dont you stop yapping. The other seal said sourly. I hate your accent. I cant stand all you stuck up British types. You should ditch your Queen and get yourselves a President. Who did your hair? Braun Magi Blender?
It is a pity we are not in Canada; they have the good graces to allow uncontrolled seals to be clubbed. Cammy turned sharply on her heel and retreated. Gentlemen. That will be all.
* * *
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Stations of the cross here we come! Thibor found himself singing along with the animatronics pirates and Roman centurions. There was something inherently wrong and strangely right about the tale of the crucifixion being mixed liberally with fantasy pirate lore. The parrot was a nice touch, perched on one arm of the cross that the animatronics Pirate Jesus was dragging past the boat. Every few minutes it would screech out repent, be saved or Polly wants a communion wafer.
Arrggh! It be thirty pieces of silver I be taking. Pirate Judas danced a happy one-legged jig. But it be the rope for me ifn I get caught.
The boat plunged into a cave and Thibor used the cover of darkness to call on far more of his wolf than he could normally do without appearing obvious. He sensitive nose picked up several trace scents; the usual detritus of a theme park, but with patchouli oil, marijuana and krill among them. While not immediately suspicious, he noted them. His tufted ears twitched at the decidedly non piratical sounds coming from a darkened grotto; accompanied by corresponding smells. Well, perhaps they were piratical sounds and smells, but not those normally associated with a Christian themed aquatic amusement park. Or perhaps they were; he really did not have an accurate point of reference to base that assumption on. His eyes bled to a wolfish yellow. The darkness of the cave seemed to lift as he looked around. There. In a darkened niche there were two people engaged in a spirited bout of oral sex. Both of them wearing fuzzy seal costumes. Well, to each their own. Thibors eyes narrowed slightly. There was an additional heat signature rising from the wrists of both participants. It was hard to make out the details, but there were definitely characters of some sort inscribed there. Odd, but given the context under which it was being observed, odd was par for the course.
The light at the end of the tunnel beckoned, and Thibor let his beast form ebb back; returning his senses to their human limits. The boat emerged from the cave to a scene of a crew of pirate disciples, following a treasure map to where Pirate Jesus had been buried. They were going to be disappointed. Or not.
* * *
If elected I propose a penguin in every pot, an end to the yearly ritual of a Canadian club on the rocks and no Pelican Briefs. By the way, I did not have sexual relations with that Walrus.
Cammy edged away from the orator. Another nutter in a seal costume. Obviously the Presidential Seal. There was no escape from the things. The Dolphin Show and Baptismal Font was mostly empty, with the next show starting in the better part of an hour.
Hey sweet-cheeks, wanna be my intern? The Presidential Seal waddled in pursuit. He was brought up short and began backing away, his hands held up defensively.
I am so sorry about that. The voice was so low as to be a whisper. Cammy was taken aback. It was not every day you saw a nun with a bait bucket. He is merely misguided, but all will be forgiven soon.
Thank you. Cammy nodded to the nun.
You are welcome. The nun seemed small and slight, even covered with the thick, coarse wool of her habit. I am Sister Sweet Mercy
Cammy Hoyle. Cammy made to offer her hand, but realized that both of the nuns small hands were holding the bait bucket. She turned the gesture into an abbreviated bow.
Excuse me. The nun whispered. But I have to see to the dolphins before the next show. Would you like to help me?
Im afraid Ill have to pass. Thank you all the same. Cammy glanced at the pool wistfully. As much as she wanted to, she had to complete her circuit and rendezvous with Thibor. That didnt leave any time for distractions. Even ones that did amusing tricks for fish.
Are you sure? The nun whispered with some urgency. It may be your last chance.
I wish I could, but no. Cammy said, taking her leave, something nagging at her. There had been something oddly urgent in the Nuns final whisper.
***
I am beginning to despair that this is a wild goose chase. Cammy eyed her plate dubiously. Ordering fish and chips had almost been reflexive, but to do so at an aquatic theme park seemed to be overdoing it. Usually the presentation of a fish treat at such places involved some sort of performance.
Go ahead. Thibor caught Cammys expression and ran with it. Will not make you jump through hoop, perform back-flip or play Mary Had Little Lamb on row of horns.
That is reassuring Major. Cammy reached for the vinegar. And for my own part, I shall not refer to you as the old sea dog.
Arggh! Thibor rasped in best pirate fashion. It be war then. Is striking colours and preparing to be boarded.
With powder that old? Cammy said with an audible tut-tut. I would be surprised if you could raise the gun, let alone fire it.
It be depending on how is primed. Thibor countered. Is willing to kiss gunners daughter?
Not without permission from a superior officer. Cammy gave way, a blush rising. However, we should return to the matter at hand; rather than squander any more time on piratical banter.
Piratical banter to be done on own time. Thibor concurred. Have not spotted any indication of ALF members on site.
Neither have I. Perhaps the Colonel was mistaken. Cammy offered dubiously; not liking the implication. It didnt sit right. Colonel Byrd was easily the biggest bastard in Britain, and would no doubt place highly in the top five for all of Europe against some very heavy competition; but he also had an almost pre-natural ability to deploy his underlings into the path of oncoming locomotives.
Is not believing that. Thibor shook his head. Could manage Holy Mackerel; actually enjoyed Pontius Pilates of Caribbean; but is not believing this is nothing more than sadistic prank.
Granted. Cammy said. Although I did almost lose my composure at the seals. Whomever thought that up should have their head examined.
Have met Seal of Approval. Thibor confirmed. Have also seen two more. Am betting they are Blown Seal and Airtight Seal.
Perhaps you had better not expand on that. Cammy noted. I myself had the displeasure of meeting the Presidential Seal; the Seal of Disapproval and the Tupperware Seal.
Tupperware Seal? Thibors brow wrinkled.
Well he burped and was rather fresh. Cammy said dryly. He also wanted to show me his tattoos.
Saw markings on other seals too. Thibors eyes narrowed suspiciously. Is getting a good look at it?
Rather; despite my protests. Cammy reached into her purse and drew out a small notepad and pen. She flipped to a clean page and began drawing carefully. The seal in question also mentioned someone about being a chosen one of Jersey Chris. I cannot imagine why. Oh that is rich.
What is? Thibor watched as Cammy dissolved into giggles, hiding her mouth behind her hand.
Well Thibor. The rapture must truly be at hand. Cammy managed sliding the pad over to the werewolf. After all, we have seen six of the seven seals.
Oh Fu Thibor bit off the profanity and then glanced at the image that Cammy had drawn, reconsidered, and let it fly. Oh fuck!
Major. Cammy said with a calm that she suddenly did not feel. Am I correct in guessing, based on your outburst, that there is a seventh seal and that we are about to be swept up in the rapture?
Yes and no. Thibor explained. When dealing with religion is almost always one begetting another. In case of Old Testament, is stories of multiple gods brought under single heading. In new testament, when is talking about seven seals was tacked on with bunch of extra baggage; Hades, Moloch, Astoreth. Again is whole mixed bag of previous faiths; gangs all here list of ills. Am betting that someone has stumbled across ceremony for older god, and is confusing it with revelations in new testament.
Charming. Cammy noted dryly. I take it you have an idea what particular ill is being thrust upon us?
Is giving a second. Thibor reached over and gently tugged the pen from Cammys hand. It was fortunate that the placemats in the Loaves and Fishes Food Court featured a map of the park. He quickly noted the location of each of the seals and connected them with a series of lines, crossing some out and then re-drawing them. Baal.
Baal? Cammys shoulders slumped. I take it that this is not going to be pleasant.
Is getting worse. Thibor continued to sketch. Baal is more general term used to signify lord of something in ancient Hebrew. Is bunch of Baal types worshipped. Lord of Flies is one Baal Zebib Beelzebub. Is not him. Am betting is Baal Phegor Beelphegor; is sometimes said to be same as Chemosh of the Moabites. Will have to ask if arrives.
If it arrives? Are you telling me that someone is summoning an ancient god? Cammy gaped.
Could be god. Could be demon; could even be extra-dimensional entity or even alien; but am betting is god. Thibor said; watching as Cammy seemed to shrink in her chair. It was understandable; aliens, super villains and even vampires were bad; but they didnt tend to bring the emotional, social or psychological baggage that fighting gods did. Some people never managed to get over the hump; and it wasnt something you could help them with. They either made it over on their own, or they didnt.
Well then. Cammy straightened in her chair and undid her ponytail. We had best get to it then. We shall stop the summoning if we can; if not, we shall give that Moabite bugger a sound thrashing and send it on its way.
Can be done. Thibor smiled wolfishly as Cammys nimble fingers quickly arranged her mass of long, blonde hair into a pair of braids. So it is time to find Seventh Seal.
Out of curiosity. Cammy dug into her purse and came up with her Beret and the small, foil pouch that contained her costume. How is the Seventh Seal breached.
Well, Beelphegor is often mentioned in context of religious orgies. Based on Blown Seal, Airtight Seal, Tupperware Seal and Presidential Seal Thibor let the explanation hang in the air.
Of course; I wasnt holding out much hope for a different answer. Cammy said getting up and walking towards the washrooms. Very well. I shall be a moment changing. Initiate the contingency plan.
* * *
Major. Cammy asked as she and Thibor ran from the Food Court. Have you ever fought a god? The map had shown that management was located in the glass cathedral that dominated the center of the park. It seemed the best place to start. They were taking the shortcut through the Noahs Ark Petting Zoo. In order the keep a lower profile, Thibor had changed fully into a wolf; albeit one who was wearing pants, in deference to the venue. A pony sized dog was just slightly less conspicuous than a seven foot werewolf.
Couple of times. Thibor growled. Kicked Thor in nuts three years ago.
Professional disagreement? Cammy asked.
No. Was Asgardian dick mixing mead and Jack Daniels. Thibor explained. Was deep in cups and is going on about Tyr beating him to punch in chaining Fenris wolf; and saying is just as brave. So am coming back from hydrant and suddenly is trying to tie motorcycle chain around neck. Dont tell anyone, but after three or four kicks am betting that Odin isnt only one short matched set in family.
Very well. Cammy paused, glancing at a young, bespectacled, redheaded woman who was feeding greenish pellets to a goat. The woman was clad in an outrageously tight body stocking, patterned like a Holstein cow. A large, golden cowbell rested atop her breasts. Her expression was suspiciously happy, as were the small horns that peaked out from under her red hair. Well the horns were suspicious, but not necessarily happy.
Auntie! Auntie! Theyre here! IST is here! The redhead looked around in panic and then began fussing with the bell around her neck, causing it to ring and rattle.
Oh bother. Cammy skidded to a stop and twisted, bringing her back up against Thibors. There werewolf has assumed his bipedal form and was scanning the crowd. Major! Tactical.
Take your medicine dear. A wiry old woman pushed through the crowd; dressed in a severe, shapeless black dress. We shall punish these meat-eating, animal enslaving, miscreants.
Auntie Veal. Cammy confirmed. One of the ALF ringleaders; and possibly their most lethal member. A powerful telekinetic, whose favored tactic was incapacitating her foes and then finishing them off with a bolt-gun of telekinetic force to the forehead.
Hey. Another man emerged, emitting the stench of patchouli oil and marijuana. Like wow. Were so totally going to stop you.
Consider yourselves licked. A buxom woman added, her fingers playing in the vines twined through her luxurious, green, hair. Well that is if you are lucky and ask really nicely.
The Vegetarian and Green Piece. Thibor noted. The new age husband and wife couple were more subtly dangerous. The Vegetarian could grow and control plants, as well as emit a variety of naturally occurring pharmacological substances. His wife had powerful emotion manipulation powers and mind controlling pheromones.
And Minke Whale. We really do not have time for this. Cammy dodged out of the way as a huge form encased in a sheath of black, vulcanized rubber slammed into the space she had occupied moments before. Minke Whale was a tall, heavyset woman, with the deceptively smooth musculature of a Sumo wrestler. She was superhumanly strong and resilient and made up for her lack of hand to hand elegance by belly flopping onto her opponents, crushing their ribs and suffocating them.
Fiona! Auntie Veal shouted at the red-head. Smash them.
But Auntie! The cow girl said, looking confused. Hes an animal! We love animals dont we?
So that is how it is in your family. Thibor nodded. Would explain horns.
I said smash them! Take your pills! Auntie Veal stomped her foot.
Okay Auntie. Looking dubious, the cow girl pulled a bottle of pills from out of the cow bell. The label was briefly visible. Bovine Rage Supplements.
Like Fionas going to expand her mind. The Vegetarian threw a handful of seeds down. As they hit the ground they expanded outward as leafy, green vines that swarmed towards Cammy. The lithe blonde tried to dodge, but the vines snared her. In less than a second she was completely trapped, struggling against her leafy confines.
Hey there unwitting accomplice in the genocide of meat. Green Piece nuzzled up to Cammy. I bet I could convince you to eat more green things. Want to join the revolution?
Thibors hackles raised as a musky, flowery smell rolled over him; he was glad he was still wearing pants. If the effect of Green Pieces pheromones could be felt where he was, how bad would it be for Cammy? Best find out. He tried to rush to help the two women reach an understanding, but his feet were locked to the ground. Autie Veals telekinesis made trying to move them like wading through hip deep mud.
Mad Cow Smash! The cow girl swallowed the pill. Immediately the whites of her eyes became a dark red and previously hidden muscles bulged and shifted under her bovine body stocking. Thibor grinned even wider.
Why are you so happy young man? Auntie Veal said sharply. Were about to kill you.
Because sofea, he brought backup. A bolt of plasma shot down from the sky, turning the vines holding Cammy into so many withered stalks. Green Piece dodged away from the flames, the tips of her long green tresses smoking. Hovering above the combatants, Colonel Carmen Santos Bella Fuego of IST Madrid, directed a wave of flame over Cammy. The flame flowed over her and then retreated, leaving the blonde untouched. Thibor snorted, all traces of the pheromone had been burned away without singeing a single blonde hair on Cammys head.
More than one backup. Another voice called out; bearing the barest hit of a French accent. Here pretty cow. Im wearing fur. Come on moo-moo. Come to Jackie.
Jackie Frost, also of IST Madrid; a sometimes criminal and long time friend of Bella Fuego. She was currently back with IST on probation; but it remained to be seen whether or not her often too lavish expenses would reach beyond her generous salary and send her back to jewel heists. She was also a shameless hedonist and exhibitionist. Her impossibly buxom figure was accented by the tiniest of blue bikinis; her feet shod in short, furred, high heeled boots; her eyes concealed behind mirrored ski-goggles. Her short, blonde bob cut was fashionably disarrayed. While she was the same age as Bella Fuego, her super-cooled metabolism kept her looking almost twenty years younger. A trait that Carmen was rightfully envious of.
Bella Fuego and Jackie Frost. Thibor explained.
Or you can call us Snow-Globes and Smoke-Stacked. Jackie said happily, pirouetting as a shower of snowflakes materialized and rained down around her.
Wear fur! Mad Cow Smash! Taunted and enraged, Mad Cow made an abbreviated charge at Jackie. As she neared the tall, blonde woman, her feet went out from under her and she slammed heavily to the ground, sliding along the suddenly icy pavement and ending up in a heap at Jackies feet.
Uhhh!! Mooooo! As Mad Cow struggled back to her feet, Jackie embraced her from behind. There was a crackling noise as a thin film of frost covered Mad Cow completely. Jackie stepped away from the immobile villainess and considered her frozen figure carefully.
Cute but dumb. Is it cold in here, or is it just me? Jackie shivered dramatically and glanced down at her own magnificent chest for confirmation. Both!
Oh man! The Vegetarian pressed his small, round, John Lennon glasses up the bridge of his nose. My vines! Youve just totally harshed my mellow. Un-cool.
How dreadfully impolite of us. Cammy commiserated; moving in on the thin hippy. She ducked as he unleashed a spray of a suspicious pink mist, rolling past him and coming up to her feet in a supremely agile motion. Without pausing she kicked backwards, slamming her foot into the back of the Vegetarians head. He was propelled forwards, his face striking a fence post with a meaty thud. As Cammy moved to finish the battered hippy off, two large, flipper-like arms grabbed her from behind.
Gotcha! Minke Whales arms completely enfolded the small blonde, as she crushed Cammy to her chest. With a grunt, the enormous villainess leaped skyward with dread intent. Im going to whale on you!
You had your chance. Green Piece shrugged at Cammys predicament, as she wove and dodged around the plasma bolts that Bella Fuego was firing at her. Hey old lady, are your eyes going? You cant even hit me.
Young man, this is for your own good. With a gesture Auntie Veal sent a bolt of telekinetic force into Thibors chest. It was like being struck by a wrecking ball and the impact rocked Thibor back on his heels, which stayed rooted to the spot. With a howl, Thibor slammed his claws into the ground, uprooting a huge chunk of asphalt, which he hurled at the immobilized Mad Cow.
Fiona! Auntie Veal gestured causing a force field to spring up between the missile and her frozen niece. The asphalt shattered and rained down harmlessly around Mad Cow. She turned back to Thibor and had a moment of clarity. In saving her niece she had diverted power away from holding the werewolf in check. The selfsame werewolf was now in front of her. The final revelation was that the old saw of it not being nice to punch old ladies in the face was not necessarily universal; especially for people who you were previously trying to kill. The revelation was cut short as Thibors fist ploughed through the field she hastily tried to erect. Even slowed somewhat, the impact slammed her ten feet into the air, and she landed on the ground in an unconscious heap.
Stay still puta! Bella Fuegos plasma blasts were perilously close and Green Piece dodged with increasing difficulty. This wasnt fun anymore; the fiery super heroine was trying to kill her. Green Piece liked it hot and wet, but not several thousand degrees of dry heat Celsius hot. In desperation she leapt blindly to the right. There was an impact and everything went dark.
Cute but dumb. Jackie repeated. Carmens carefully placed misses had sent Green Piece straight into her. For Green Piece the world was momentarily a soft, warm, place that smelled faintly of very expensive French perfume. It suddenly got very, very cold and try as she might, she couldnt move a muscle.
You could have just punched her. Bella Fuego called down as Jackie dislodged the frozen Green Piece from the deep canyon of her cleavage.
Wheres the fun in that? Jackie called back as she gently patted the cheek of the immobile villainess. Sorry sweetie, but youre going to the frozen treats section of our local prison.
Ugh! Cammy struggled in the sweaty, rubbery confines of Minke Whales grip. The ground had fallen away under her and was now making a reappearance as Minke turned in the air, intending to make a whale and pavement sandwich with a decidedly British filling. Cammy inhaled as deeply as the pressure on her allowed and then exhaled explosively, simultaneously pushing upwards on the arms that held her. The technique worked and she shot out of Minkes grasp like an orange pip.
Like what have you done to my wife? The Vegetarian groggily got to his feet and readjusted his glasses. One lens was cracked, the other gone entirely. He reached into his belt pouch and brought out a handful of seeds, intending to scatter them about. Karmas going to get you!
Excuse me. Coming through. Cammy announced as she landed with both feet on The Vegetarian; her arrival greeted with the snap of both of his collar bones. The impact slammed the slim man to the ground, while Cammy neatly turned the force of the impact into a series of rolls and flips which allowed her to bleed away the worst of it. Well, we have beef and two veg. Thibor, do see about the fish.
Mammal! Minke Whale corrected. She had lost her original victim, but the werewolf had foolishly taken a position under her. She would crush him as she landed. At the last possible second Thibor sidestepped neatly out of the way. Minke Whale smashed into the pavement with a crash that shook everything within a thirty foot radius. Before she had a chance to get up again, Thibor smashed down on the back of her head with doubled fists. Trapped between the unmoving ground and the force of the werewolfs punch, Minkes head took the full force of the impact, which was enough to render her unconscious.
Thats it for the fish. Oh sorry. Mammal. Cammy noted. Best we get the chips.
Is not chips. Thibor nudged the insensate Minke Whale with a toe. Is flakes.
Frosted flakes. Jackie added sending out blasts of ice which secured all the unconscious villains in bonds of ice. Theyre great.
Well that was only the warm up. Cammy said quickly. We have to find the seventh seal before shes um breached and an ancient Moabite god is unleashed upon the earth.
So were to be on the lookout for a tight seal? Jackie started to laugh, but was cut short by a rather disapproving glance from Cammy. Whatever. Like your Paul McCartney said I am the Walrus.
Dont ask. Thibor cautioned, cutting off the question from his commander. Am betting is Cathedral and bother.
Cammy smiled for the briefest moment as Thibor admirably controlled his language; it was appreciated, but he should not have bothered, as she was considering using exactly the same word he had been planning. Above them, the sun had vanished behind black clouds that whirled and circled over the park. Lightening rained down and small bits of fiery brimstone began pelting the park, setting innumerable small fires.
It is done. Jersey Chris walked from the Cathedral, a hastily donned bath-robe covering his rotund body. The Seventh Seal has been unlocked and the moment of our Lord is at hand.
Ew. Jackies nose wrinkled. I refuse to believe that the rapture will be heralded by a man who uses the term unlocked instead of
He comes! The swirling vortex of clouds became even blacker and there was the sound of thousands of souls screaming out in agony. Jersey Chris turned his face to the clouds and closed his eyes in ecstasy. Okay Lord! Lemme have it!
Cammy bit her lower lip. Despite all her training; nothing could really prepare her for the emergence of a god. Would she even be able to look on one. Beside her Thibor was tensed, the werewolfs powerful claws clenched and unclenched, and his teeth were bared in a decidedly lupine smile. The complete and utter rotter. He was actually looking forward to this.
The skies ripped in two and there was a sudden gasp of indrawn breath as the sixty foot mackerel fell from the skies, landing on top of Jersey Chris with an audible and presumably fatal splat. The enormous fish flapped and heaved for a moment, the great gills working frantically.
Okay. Beelphegor is other name for Moabite god Chemosh. Thibor nodded, pleased at being able to confirm the theory. One form of Chemosh was giant fish.
Are you telling me that that horrible little man has unleashed a gargantuan cod on the world? Cammy said archly. Well let me be the first to say that I am more than a little let down by this particular visitation. Holy Mackerel indeed.
Chemosh was also known as destructor. Thibor said. Here we go.
Well thats more like it. Cammy said. The fish vanished, replaced by a thirty foot tall figure. The creature was humanoid, with great eagles wings stretching out from his back. His head was that of a lion. The body was covered with glistening golden scales that shimmered as fire and lightening played over them.
Thibor. Carmen took to the air again. You are the expert; how do we sent it back?
Not entirely sure. Thibor admitted. But am hoping that because ritual was bound in mortal blood and mortal seed, is mortal avatar of godly force. Can be destroyed and sent back to wherever it came from.
And if it is not? Cammy asked.
Then we convert and beg forgiveness for what we are about to do to it. Jackie said. The tall blonde was looking slightly uncertain. I hate this.
As Cammy and Thibor moved forward, their way was blocked by the small, blonde nun, who threw out her arms, presenting a barrier.
This is our god returned. The nun pleaded in a tight whisper. None can stand against him.
I am truly sorry, but we must. As Cammy tried to brush past the nun seized her arm and executed a perfect throw, tossing her to the ground with bone-shaking force.
Then you must be punished! The nuns shouted all meekness vanished. For you shall feel the wrath of Sister Sweet Mercy Denied!
Thibor raised one bushy eyebrow as the nun threw away her habit to reveal an outfit comprised of the minimum number of leather straps required to keep things at bay. Reaching behind her back she pulled out a double pair of crucifixes, their tops joined by thin chains; whipping them around like unwieldy nunchaku, displaying consummate skills that would draw a slightly choked chicken noise from Bruce Lee. It wasnt surprising. Holy Sea World had demonstrated that restraint was something for lesser mortals; a kung-fu nun in a leather thong was no less extreme than anything else he had seen that day.
For the first time in my life, I am not disappointed about getting nun. Jackie punned lasciviously. She made to advance but was brought up short as Cammy kipped off the ground and waved her off.
Ill handle this. See to Beelphegor. Cammy said hotly. Thibor could see that getting caught off guard had hurt Cammys pride and she was about erase any shame she might be feeling by pitting her considerable martial arts mastery against that of the leather-clad, kung-fu nun. As much as Thibor wanted to watch, there were bigger fish gods to fry.
I blame you. Jackie gestured, causing a ramp of ice to form ahead of her as she headed towards Beelphegor. You drag me out of sunny, cosmopolitan, Madrid; force me to visit this ridiculous bastion of American culture and then drop an ancient Moabite god on me. Thibor, as painful as this is to say; you no longer know how to take a woman out and show her a good time.
There was no good answer to that and Thibor turned slightly, stuck his long, wolfish tongue out and blew a raspberry at her.
Okay. Perhaps you do still remember. Jackie winked.
Parada! Both of you. Bella Fuego barely held back the laugh. The god should not be kept waiting.
Thibor nodded, his muscles tensing to leap. Beelphegor was still looking around as if slightly stunned. The world had changed since last he walked the earth. Thibor felt a momentary kinship with the deity. He knew his own reaction to Holy Sea World had been pretty extreme and he was far more in touch with the current century.
My world! The lions head roared out. The language wasnt English, but somehow everyone understood what was said. Once more this is my world!
Someones got their Lions crossed. Jackie unleashed a torrent of ice into the gaping maw. The god stepped back, taken by surprise, and then the great jaws flexed, crushing the ice and sending glittering splinters everywhere. He turned towards the annoyance as Thibor leapt. As casual swat of his fiat sized hand smashed the werewolf back to the ground.
Are you gods? The Lions head oriented on them, the eyes blazing with hellish fire.
Say yes Ray. Jackie babbled fearfully. When someone asks if you are a god, you say yes.
Will handle it. Thibor climbed painfully to his feet. He brushed the dust and fragments of asphalt from his fur. Great Beelphegor. Chemosh of the Moabites. Destructor. Am Thibor Sawchyk of International Super Teams. You have made unauthorized entry into world and as fully authorized agent with duty to protect said world, am telling you to leave. Now. Do not let door hit you on way out. Oh and on personal note, is feeling free to kiss furry Romani arse. Now, fuck off!
Dont listen to him. Hes crazy. Jackie said. The god stood motionless for a moment. It had understood exactly what Thibor said and was not terribly happy with it. With a incoherent roar of rage, it raised its hand, conjuring a bolt of hellish fire that rained down on Jackie and Thibor.
* * *
Hes not the god you think he is. Cammy blocked a particularly cunning mantis kick with her wrist, while simultaneously ducking to bring her head out of line with the nunchaku strike that followed it.
Yes he is! I shall punish you for your heresy! You have brought the beast and lain with him. Sister Sweet Mercy Denied yelled as she pressed the attack with berserk intensity. Cammy weathered the assault, blocking and dodging. She rather preferred the nun when she was quiet, polite, and feeding dolphins.
Very well. I have tried to be civil, but you are starting to get right up my spout. For the first time in the fight, Cammy switched to the offensive. Sister Sweet Mercy Denied faltered for a moment as Cammy exploded into a flurry of fast, precise kicks and punches. One nunchaku was knocked away and then the second as Cammy started landing punches and kicks with frightening accuracy. Although it is none of your business, I have not lain with the beast, and I rather resent your insinuation and Thibor!
Cammy gasped as the bolt of hellfire slammed down towards the werewolf.
* * *
Were alive. Jackie managed. The god was still channeling the flame, but mere feet from them, it suddenly veered upwards into Carmen!
Thibor watched as the flaming nimbus around Bella Fuego grew brighter and brighter. Carmens control of heat and flame allowed her to absorb combustion like a sponge soaked up water. The god redoubled its efforts, and still the flame was drawn into the flying heroine. Shining like a star, Bella Fuego let loose a guttural scream as the hellish flame coruscated around her. The god paused, the flames from its hands dying out.
My turn asquerosos! Carmen shouted over the roar of the flames. The Lions head exploded as Bella Fuego drove the bolt of plasma into it. Still shouting she played the beam down the body. The great eagle wings shriveled and blackened, the feathers burning away under the flaming onslaught. The golden scales sloughed away, melting to form liquid pools at the gods feed. With a final, incoherent scream, Carmen drove a bolt, even brighter than the last, through the gods chest, leaving a gaping, seared hole.
Beelphegor; Chemosh of the Moabites staggered; and tried to take stock of the situation. Looking down at the hole in its chest was made difficult by the utter lack of a head. With a high-pitched keening, the god began falling to pieces, each of which was sucked up into the swirling void above it. As the last piece vanished, the skies cleared, leaving the day as bright and sunny as it had been.
Carmen! Jackie saw Bella Fuego begin falling, her flame aura flickering on and off. The buxom heroine gestured, creating a spiraling ice shoot, that brought her commander safely to the ground. The ice around Bella Fuego sublimated into steam as she lay there, trying to catch her breath.
Both of you! Carmen managed finally. When it asks if you are a god; the correct answer is No, but if she gets mad, you had better start praying to yours.
Is everyone all right? Cammy dropped the insensate nun to the ground. The blonde martial artists left eye was blackened and swollen closed. The nun looked far worse for wear. Cammy glanced around at the destruction. Small fires still burned all over the park and the panicked crowd still milled about. Thibor, go see if Mr. Chris survived.
Jackie. Crowd control, and make sure that ALF is still secure. Carmen got up stiffly and worked a kink out of her neck. With a snap of her fingers all the flames about the park arced towards her, replenishing her aura.
Jersey Chris is gone. Thibor cocked an ear and sniffed the air. No heartbeat. No respiration. Is also only four inches thick; so diagnosis is not too surprising. Would ask how is getting black eye, but am betting that there was no reason.
Nun. Cammy nodded in agreement. I am very disappointed in her. Admittedly I did let my guard down when I thought you were being fried, but that is really no excuse. The Marquis of Queensbury would be very disappointed with her.
Only because she is nun so he would not get any. Thibor winced slightly as Cammy punched him hard in the arm. Was talking about absolution. Would need priest for that Or Oscar Wilde.
Major. That is enough. Cammy sighed. She walked over to a bench and sat down. I really do not know how were going to write this one up.
Were not. Thibor sat down next to her an slid an arm around her shoulders. Is on vacation. Remember?
Thibor. Holy Sea World is in ruins, ALF is in our custody awaiting extradition to Britain, and one of Americas leading fast food magnates is only slightly thicker than his world famous bulbous burger patty. I dread the paperwork that this is going to cause. Cammy leaned into the werewolf, grabbing his tail and wrapping it around her body. I am sure it could be worse, but at this moment, I am not sure how.
Hey guys move over. Jackie bumped Thibor with her hip and settled down next to the couple. ALF is still on ice; Carmen is arranging a little covert transportation to get them out of the country, and yours truly arranged a little accident in the security room, so we dont have to worry about being on the security cameras.
That is smashing news. Cammy brightened somewhat. How can I thank you.
Well you can start by lending me Thibor for a few hours. Dont worry, Ill give him back when Im finished. Jackie pressed against the werewolf from the other side.
Wot? Cammys tone became as icy as Jackies powers. Come again?
Thats right. Jackie purred, utterly ignoring Cammys tone. So its okay then?
No it bloody well is not. Cammy go up and walked around to stand in front of the taller, icy heroine. Are you seriously suggesting that
Oh. Im sorry. Jackie got up. At six feet she towered over Cammy by almost eight inches. So youd rather come with me then?
Wot? No! Cammy was flustered by the suggestion. She glanced at Thibor, who was desperately trying to keep his game face under control.
Both at the same time then. Jackie filled in. Im so there.
You mean..? No. Cammy managed through an increasingly red blush. Not both.
Just Thibor then. Jackie shrugged. Will you be watching?
I will not be watching! Cammy raised her voice.
Then you are joining in. Great. Jackie said.
One moment Cammy took a deep, calming breath. We are not in a Carry On movie, so let me be perfectly clear on this. Thibor will not be sleeping with you. I will not be sleeping with you. We will not be sleeping with you together.
Works for me. Jackie smiled. Sleeping definitely wasnt on the agenda.
I give up. Cammy threw her arms in the air. Very well. We shall.
Lucky. Jackie said. Ready when you are.
Oh I am sorry. Cammy added. I neglected to mention when. Specifically when hell freezes over and furthermore
Thibor grimaced as snow began falling around them and the temperature dropped into the negatives. Cammy glared at Jackie for a moment and then shrugged and threw a short, hard uppercut into the taller womans solar plexus.
* * *
Achoo! Cammy reached for another tissue and pulled the afghan tighter around her shoulders. In retrospect, trying to punch Jackie had not been a particularly good strategy. Next time, she would use a very large gun at a very great distance.
Have brought tea with lemon. Thibor slipped into Cammys room and set a fully loaded tea tray in front of her Cammy. He snatched it up again as Cammy let loose another fierce sneeze. Jackies power placed the frozen victim in a state of semi-suspended animation. Most people shook it off without too much trouble when they thawed, but the occasional cold did crop up.
Thank you. Cammy managed thickly. How are things in the office?
Good. Thibor said. Is handing out plush, stuffed, fishes. Were not big hit; well except for Hito. Is eating hers. Most is ending up back on Naokos desk.
Naoko liked them? Cammy considered; she hadnt really thought Naoko would be a big collector of stuffed animals. Well, to each their own. With Holy Sea World closed for the foreseeable future, it was unlikely that there would be more of them. Aha.
E-bay. Cammy and Thibor said simultaneously. The fish would likely be highly sought after, considering the great mystery of what happened.
Have there been any further difficulties from our American Allies. Cammy allowed Thibor to pour her a cup of tea.
No. Is being very quiet about whole thing. Thibor added a biscuit to Cammys saucer and handed it over. Well except for Mel Gibson. Has optioned story of Jerseys life for film. Is planning to call it the Passion of the Chris.
Please tell me you are kidding. Cammy winced.
No. And is planning to shoot whole thing in American; and refuses to allow subtitles for people who speak English. Thibor continued glibly.
I suspect it will be another box office smash. Cammy said dryly. I take it that ALF are safely ensconced in prison.
Unfortunately no. Thibor shrugged. Carmen arranged refrigerated container and is getting them as far as Heathrow. Then is running afoul of Health and Safety issues.
About letting Mad Cow back into Britain. Cammy finished. So they are secure then?
Affirmative. Thibor admitted with a grin. Am getting back to office. Is needing anything else?
Not for the moment. Cammy closed her eyes and held the tea cup up in front of her face, savoring the way that the heavy lemon scent soothed her stuffy nose and throat. On, there is one more thing Major.
Yes. Thibor paused at the door.
Youre to be joining me this evening for dinner and pirate banter. Cammy threw in as good an arrghh as her sore throat would allow.
I be bringing sea biscuits and salt beef then. Thibor saluted and sauntered off humming a sea shanty about Roman judicial techniques in the time of Tiberius.
Language notes:
Sofea Ugly, monstrous, monster.
Asquerosos Asshole
Parada Stop/Halt
