[RFC][dskswdyhms] Awesome Villain?

[Black Aeronaut]

One of the things that I know has been sorely lacking from the story is a central antagonist, created solely for Zeke to but heads against.  So, while I was reworking Zeke's character using that new character builder I downloaded, it suggested to me that I build an antagonist that was similar to my protagonist - even to the point of sharing a similar, if twisted, worldview.  What this does is that it forces your protagonist to look at his mirror image and reflect on how he could have turned out instead.
Okay then!  Let's get started.
I figure that it should be someone Zeke should know fairly well - probably even trust to some extent.  That said, I had originally, planned on him having a rival in a cousin from his mother's side of the family.  This cousin is envious of Zeke's power and feels that he would make an even better avatar.  To make him into an effective antagonist, let's have him go haring off in search of power.  He wants to make the world a better place, after all, and the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And that is pretty much where he winds up going.
Enter a Mephisto-type god-character who agrees to take on this cousin.  This god lives off the energy of the 'damned' souls he consumes slowly over time - kinda like a spiritual sarlacc.  The only reason the other gods tolerate him is because he feeds only on corrupted souls with little to no chance at redemption.  For this reason, this god is a self-styled God of Judgment and Penance.  He promises Zeke's cousin power, in exchange he must promise to bring 'order' to the 'lawless world' and give him the souls of the 'sinners' so he may punish them.
The cousin then goes on to start a campaign to conquer first the Earth and later the rest of the galaxy.  Of course, Zeke is his primary target.  Seeing that Zeke is gaining powerful allies, the cousin seeks out his own allies and finds himself joining AMALGAM.  Using his powers, the cousin skyrockets to the upper echelons and from there he seeks alliances with others such as the Dead Moon Circus, certain figures in various local and off-Earth governments, and even the occasional demon.
Thoughts?

[Jorlem]

That sounds pretty good. A few questions though:

1) Would this cousin just be trying to show Zeke up, to defeat and maybe kill Zeke, or somehow steal Zeke's Avatar-ness?

2) Are there any other avatars running around? (Are the Senshi avatar's of the gods they are named for?)

3) What sort of powers does the cousin get out of the deal? Zeke has the gadgeteer thing, and a few other powers I can't quite recall at the moment.

4) How fast is this cousin getting corrupted? It seems pretty quick, based on the summary, but if he showed up in story ot confront Zeke right after he made the contract, and a few more times as he is falling, that would be interesting. It would certainly give Zeke something else to worry about,especially if he kept defeating his cousin whenever he shows up, but it only makes things worse.
Edit:
Maybe a monster/victim of the week could ping whatever "damned soul" sense the cousin has, when he first shows up in story?  Or maybe Dark Lady, if he shows up while Chibiusa is corrupted?
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Necratoid]

Your falling into a major trap here... you just introduced an Anti Sue.  Also going to force vivid random dark fic chapters into the story to pull things off.  Your using a pile driver where you need a roofing hammer.

Unnamed Evil Cousin (UEC).... drags the series off into Wangstland, if use as stated.  You need to gut the omnicidial, meglomanical, silver age cartoony demigod villan and take the useful core out... yes I'm being somewhat dramatic, but you've given me no real choice here.  This guy needs UEC needs to be toned down to Zeke levels or your going to have to have Zeke constantly walking behind a pair of side by side dumptrucks with the lisence plates 'GRIM' and 'DARK'... both leaking clouds of angst and thick, cloying ash respectively behind them.  Your not writing the ascention of the GEoM here.  Last I checked your writing a character driven multicrossover with a somewhat socially inenpt OC protagonist.

That out of my system... first step: Nuke the AMALGAM take over.  It makes no sense if he isn't obscenely corupteed to start with.  I have no issue with the basics of this guy... but I can't see the Gods tolerating not Mephisto aymore at that point, if he is turning his avatar into what amounts to Apocolypse with travel plans.  Logic fail for me.  AMALGAM is only Zeke's enemy by proxy... AMALGAM is Sosuke/Mithril's villian.  Zeke is just getting involved via freind and moral connections.  Don't make Zeke Mr. Fix-It-Sue in order to validate an anti Sue.

Now for some more productive comments:  First, make the UEC older that Zeke.  Say late 20s, early 30s, this will let you have him get a good mad on for Zeke.  This guy should be Indian pureblood (feathers, not dots), meaning he can have the whole chip on his shoulder thing being his starting flaw.  He is wiser than Zeke (read older), not a half breed (gonna need a warped take on some tribal legends/ missing the point of what Raven actually does), A 'Me! Glorious ME! morality complex.

Basically where Zeke has issues because he is kit bashing his world view and social interaction filters.  He doesn't really get quite enough time to congeal something solid (social structure, interaction wise) before he moves and new conflicting stuff is thrown in.  Forcing him to take things apart and alter everything to work with the new stuff.  Which is exactly why he doesing all these prototyping and enchanting thingies.  It keeps with that mind set and the results are so much more easily read and consistant.  Lets him have that control that keeps him sane.  His compulsive documentation of work should fate him a legacy book.  The kind of thing people fight/quest for long after he is gone.  It helps Zeke is slowly unlocking his whispered abilities in little pieces, without knowing it,

UEC was a hard core tradtionalist.  The kind of guy who make progress it baby steps not leaps.  Everyone thought he was talented, but more skilled filler then anything else.  He is rigid thinking, has difficulty grasping new concepts without long steady effort at chipping away at the concept.  Though its his forever once he does so.  Feeling he really needed learn that there was a box to think outside of in the first place, he was assigned to teach Zeke something mystical for a month or three.  This caused him to switch tracks... instead of derailing his thought train.  As planned he learned from Zeke as Zeke learned from him.  Though different lessons.

UEC learned that not only is there a box... but many different types of boxes.  He had Zeke start explaining how he reached conclusions half way through the lesson.  Zeke explains with answers that draw from dozens of random sources to fill in the gaps.  UEC can see how he got their post explaination... he just never thought of thinking that way, at all.  Seeing Zeke's progress UEC starts to learn all kinds of previously useless to him things and he starts making real progress.

In fact, even with Zeke's learning curve UEC thinks they are about evenish until he is drawn out of his studies to watch the Tag game of Planetary Doom!  Research followed by panic ensues... particularly when he gets to that thing about the harem apparent forming.  His parents are going to be relentless about him getting married now.  Blarg.  So he runs off to Japan (pets in tow), quickly decides copiing Zeke isn't going to help him advance and ends up going after the untapped source of knowledge... all those villian that keep doing stuff with spirit magic he hasn't heard was possible.  So he seeks out a dark, but not instantly self consumming power and markets himself to the villians as a local consultant/cultist.

So he begins working for SM villians and other mystic evil types.  Always looking for openings to send those corrupt idiots to the shadow realm or whatever.  His goal is knowledge and research not concuring... a girlfriend would also be nice.  Keep the parents at bay.  Thus begins a career of 'pretending' to be 'evil'.  Keep him away from Beryl and the Doom Tree and have him skip on those blood thristy 5 Witches and Galaxia.  Most of the rest non movie villians are more annoying jerks that omnicidal.

Of course he is as socially broken as Zeke in his own way.  Though he hides it better, he is charisma smoozer man and sees people as tools.  If he ever meets Rei's dad they will deaath match as there can only be one.  He just doesn't get people... to the point he doesn't realize that what he is doing isn't obvious to those in his mystic circles.  UEC thinks that he is doing good by running insider damage control, subtile assassinations of the corrupt, and of course yoinking perfectly good research.

The reason UEC keeps so many pets is post Zeke he decided to raise his own spirit totems.  He likes spirit magic and having loyal powerful spirits exclusively is awesome sauce.  When he meets the Animal Eye group he'll be enthralled... a way to make smarter more powerful bodies for his pets (he does ask first and explains what he is doing).  The ability to analize people's dream while they are awake is icing.

So he randomly battles Zeke (good cover and training), makes 'evil' drama queen speaches and basically makes a reoccuring villain out of himself.  Useful for all types of things.  Amuses rather than enrages the gods tolerating his patron.  Feeds his parton.  Works in thematically.  Add in him sending update letters home and his parent ignoring the context and concentrating on the fact he is dating now gives great fodder for the late reveal.

GRIM DRAK onmicidial conqueror... not so much.  Pick at this.

[Jorlem]

Now that Necratoid points it out, I agree with his points about the cartoony 'conquer the world' thing.  I not so much a fan of the pretend to work for evil bit though.  Perhaps UEC can have the jealousy mentioned, and attempts to perform a ritual to hijack Zeke's avatarhood.  Thing is, UEC thinks of Ravan mainly as a chaos god, and instead of Raven, accidentally links himself to Chaos, the Sailor Moon end boss.  He gets a power up, but unknowingly looses a big chunk of free will in exchange, and ends up working as a supplementary dragon for all of the SM baddies that Chaos is supposedly responsible for, namely all of the main series villains except Ali and En. 
Since he still has some of his free will, and thinks he has all of it, he would probably be able to resist most of Moon's purifying attacks. 
Whatever you end up doing, you should make him rational enough to advise the Big Bad well enough to avoid the idiot ball, which in turn should help balance out the boost the Senshi will be getting from all of their new helpers.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Black Aeronaut]

Jorlem:

1) At first he would want to only show up Zeke, but later as his mind starts to go, that'll devolve into Zeke Must Die... 'Sides, figure that the God in question would want Raven's avatar out of the way - he's got that grand design worthy of Hades in that he wants to overthrow the other Gods. Consuming the corrupted souls of the galaxy at large is his route of gaining the power to do so.

2)A few, but I haven't really settled on many of them yet. Definitely his maternal grandmother, though. I want her to be the Avatar to Calypso from Pirates of the Caribbean.

3)Power would be automatic detection of corrupted soul, plus the ability to rip one's soul from their body leaving the person in a permanent comatose state. The soul goes to his god, but he gets a small percentage as well. Wonder if he should be able to create zombies this way? You know, just as cannon fodder. Other more mundane attributes is that he gets really good at one-on-one combat and he's an outstanding organizer/tactician.

4)His corruption will be pretty quick. After he challenges Zeke the first time after making his contract, Zeke is concerned but notes that he still seems the same. But future confrontations will leave Zeke deeply troubled as his cousin quickly looses his sanity.

Necratoid:

I'm wondering if we share the same concept of Grim-Dark here. To me, something like the fanfic Shinji and Warhammer 40K is the definition of Grim-Dark. Sure, it's got moments of AWESOME aplenty... but it also turns everyone to paranoia as they all try to keep watch for the alien space bats disguised as your friends and family that Kaoru Nagisa sicks on them. Bonus Grim-Dark points for having Asuka absolutely torn between Shinji and Kaoru.

You won't see anything even remotely like that going on in my fic. Just to be sure, though, let's take a look at TVtropes's article, Tastes Like Dirt:

I Thought It Meant

Tastes Like Dirt from TVtropes.org

---

No, this is not about eating dirt. It's the opposite of Tastes Like Diabetes. If something tastes like diabetes, then it's so sweet it's sickening. If it Tastes Like Dirt, then it's so dark and edgy it seems over-the-top or silly. While you may be thinking, "Hey! This is just taken to eleven!", well, you're wrong.
is relative; i.e., in comparison to an earlier work in the franchise,
this work is a lot edgier. This is an absolute trope: all examples are [url=http://allthetropes.org/wiki/Grimdark]Grim Dark from beginning to end. May be [url=http://allthetropes.org/wiki/Rated_"M"_for_Money]Rated M For Money.
May involve Real Is Brown, A Space Marine Is You, Wangst, Crapsack World and Narm.
In fact, this is nothing more than a specific type of Narm. If the
heavy taste of dirt provokes a negative response in the viewers, then
it's Darkness Induced Audience Apathy.
Contrast Tastes Like Diabetes, Sugar Bowl, Lighter And Softer.
Not to be confused with Tastes Like Feet.

---

READ: Just because something may seem dark does not mean it Tastes Like Dirt. It must be Egregious. It must meet three of the following criteria:

• More than 25% of the tropes must be dark
  
• It must not be adapted from a comparatively lighter work, that's just .
  
• [url=http://allthetropes.org/wiki/Black_and_Grey_Morality]Black And Grey Morality, or Evil Versus Evil.
  
• Heavy emphasis on the dark bits.
  
• Word Of God emphasizes the dark bits as well.
  

mmmmmmmmmmmmnope. Don't think so. About as bad as it gets will be Zeke having a moral conflict in that he has to fight his cousin - someone he knows is essentially a good person and is confused over why the hell he's gone to the darkside.
And no, UEC is not going to be made of wangst.  There will be no moments of impotent whining on his part.  If asked about his hatred of his cousin he will explain it, calmly and with carefully selected words.  The closest he'll come to whining will be the psychotic episodes he has in which someone dies horribly.  Might be confused for the Ultimate Evil Overlord who kills subordinates at the smallest sign of bad news... but no.  It only happens when someone rudely and unfavorably compares him to Zeke and in doing so pushes him over the edge.  (At the beginning he'll have a fuse of reasonable length... but it will get shorter as time goes on.)
At any rate, I do like the setup that you've proposed.  Having Zeke tutor under this cousin - an older and seemingly wiser person who is open to Zeke's outside-the-box thinking - is an excellent way of involving him.  And having him start out by 'advising' baddies of the Sailor Moon side of things sounds like as good a start as any.
However, I still like the idea of him being picked up by AMALGAM later on.  It's not really a matter of UEC v. Zeke here, as much as it is a matter of following his higher objectives set forth by his god.  You see, the guy in charge wants to have sole dominion over everything.  He's already amassed a significant amount of power from the souls he's consumed - enough that someone the like of Raven cannot take him alone.  By the time we're halfway through, he's silently gathered more power - enough that Tsunami would be hard-pressed to face him.
It's kinda like Clash of the Titans in which Zeus and the other gods are failing in power because people don't really worship them anymore... but Hades is gaining power because he relies on captive souls instead of willful worship.
So, it's not really the UEC's idea.  He just wants to show up Zeke.  The price is that he's become the pawn of a powerful being who wants only more power until he's the only business in town.
And Chaos from Sailor Moon?  Yeah, that's gonna be fun because UEC's god and Chaos are gonna wind up colliding like two fright trains on the main line... and all anyone else will be able to do is get the hell outta the way.  It will be a defining turning point in the story because everyone will now know where they stand as UEC's god stands there with a smug look and says, "Any other takers?"

[Jorlem]

If I may make a suggestion, when Chaos and your OC god collide, instead of the OC god winning out, however narrowly, could they instead fuse together, forming an amalgam (heh) of their best (worst?) parts? From the viewpoint of a reader, that would be less annoying than an OC co-opting the position of a canon character, the Big Bad in this case. Maybe they end up becoming a sort of Ouroboros, as Chaos is the canon source of all evil and corruption, IIRC, and you OC god sound like where those who have been corrupted eventually end up.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Black Aeronaut]

... oooorrrrrr... We could have that happen from the get-go!

It would make sense. Chaos wants to corrupt a God of Law and Justice - one that punishes the corrupt by consuming them.  In the process of trying to corrupt this god, it snaps and consumes Chaos... and the end result is an insane, raving new God that wants to corrupt and then consume everything!

Hows that sound?

[Jorlem]

That sounds awesome. Given that seems to be Chaos' standard modus operandi in canon, it fits too.

Now, the sixty-four thousand dollar question is, did the UEC make the pact before, after, or during the merger?
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Black Aeronaut]

Hrm...  If before or during the merger, then the shock will completely shatter UEC's psyche right away and he's a homicidal maniac from the get-go.  If after, though, the shock is nowhere nearly as great, but he is still corrupted over time.  With one, the learning curve for Zeke is higher than with the other.
Either way, his cousin will have to die by Zeke's hand, but before he passes, he'll thanks Zeke for freeing him, and that it is more mercy than he deserves.

[Necratoid]

Obviously we are on entirely different wave lengths.  Your basically setting yourself up for everything I told you not to... except I picked the wrong anti sue character.
Lets go over some givens:
-1.  You stated that this Mephisto anologue is only tolerated by the other gods for only going after 'corrupted souls.  Basically sending those that deserve it into his personal hell.  I'm okay with that part... UEC being an idiot and contracting the wrong entity, I'm cool with that.  That part makes sense.
-2.  UEC is suppose to be am opposite equal for Zeke.  Giving UEC a power up means getting Zeke and equal power up/ally up.  Your running on the power balance scale (libra) model.
-3. Your including the following series:  FMP including Second Raid, SM, Tenchi, Lum,.. (your shifting things around here so I'm not sure on the others)
-4. In order for the basically the same goals as Zeke only twisted thing to work... your gonna need a list.
An effect of this is... given the dicusion between my posts is:
-1)  Juria has an empire.   A large one.  A Largely stable one.  Galaxia regularly wipes out entire planets... if not Solar Systems.  Tsunami is powerful enough to make it not worth fight her over Jurian worlds.  The Jurian Empire is effectively, at least in part, based on taking over things behind Galaxia.  I'm sure others are doing the same (provided they have powerful enough backing).
My major problem is this:
-1. If notMephisto is anything like your describing either he is a massively power soul devowering monstroucity that is out to eat enough souls to NOM the gods themselves or not Mephisto is a a giant corrupting blob of evil that NOMs souls and lives to corrupt all it touches.... devoring entire worlds.
-2.  Option one basically means notMephisto is effectively a spiritual Katamari bordering on critical mass,.... the next size up means Gods are gonna get rolled up.
-3.  Option two means notMephisto is going to evolve like a pokemon into the Warp itself... or just a Warp God.
Either option involves massive slaughter and omnicidal rampages.... Second Raid will be a destined light hearted prequel and that flamingly gay madman the nicer of the competition between him and UEC.
So... without some major plot loops your going to have to bring Zeke into this mess as an equal and civilians are screwed.  Zeke is a public figure.  He was one in Japan before the Invader incident... its going to be hell once he starts getting reporter stalkers.  The whole plane hijacking mess won't help.
I honestly can't see this method ending up constantly skirting GRIM DARK!  It will be incrimental creep, but notMephisto won't not get another avatar.  Starting with Second Raid we go into Death Buster territory... then Galaxia.  Hundreds with die and your going to add in either the Soul Katamari of all Cosmos or some incarnation of the Warp comes into play.
I'd love to here I'm paranoid... but I need to hear why I am wrong..
its that your constantly trying to turn it into a near all powerful, omnicidial, cosmic horror thatNOMs planets like Pacman does power pellets.

[Jorlem]

I'd be asying something similar, but I was thinking that this is probably a counterbalance to his planned overpowering of Zeke, which I had objected to way back in the chapter threads. I'll be honest here, when you say that one of your OCs is so powerful that one of the three overgods that created the universe would have trouble defeating him, that sets off some warning bells.

Overall, I think the story might be better if both your OC hero and villains were not as awesomely powerful as you've implied they will be. Maybe make Zeke instead get by based on ingenuity, which is the impression that I get of your plan from the fixing Zeke thread. If you really want to keep the the whole corruption thing, I would suggest holding off on that until Galaxia shows up, and having the cousin act as a Knight Templar until then. Knight Templars can make awesome twisted reflections of a hero, and it would probably make for a more interesting story then this guy trying to conquer the world.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Black Aeronaut]

I'd be asying something similar, but I was thinking that this is probably a counterbalance to his planned overpowering of Zeke, which I had objected to way back in the chapter threads. I'll be honest here, when you say that one of your OCs is so powerful that one of the three overgods that created the universe would have trouble defeating him, that sets off some warning bells.

Overall, I think the story might be better if both your OC hero and villains were not as awesomely powerful as you've implied they will be. Maybe make Zeke instead get by based on ingenuity, which is the impression that I get of your plan from the fixing Zeke thread. If you really want to keep the the whole corruption thing, I would suggest holding off on that until Galaxia shows up, and having the cousin act as a Knight Templar until then. Knight Templars can make awesome twisted reflections of a hero, and it would probably make for a more interesting story then this guy trying to conquer the world.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but it's taken me this long to get around to writing a reply because of a combination of work and me trying not to get all pissy about this.
Let's put this into a bit of perspective.  The way I've always seen it you can always do a multi-crossover story.  But the thing is: what's the catch?  What is the one thing that draws all the elements together?  My solution has always been to have an OC that's a strange attractor for weird shit.  He is there for the amusement of the powers that be and they have suitably equipped him to get the most nag for their buck - also nice that he's so useful to them as an instrument of chaos.  If it helps, think of it as an urban renewal project on a metaphysical scale. 
Okay, so he's over the top.
Fine.  I get that.  *Crumbles up the character sheet and whiffs the toss to the waste basket, not seeming to care anyhow.*
Let's go REAL bare bones here.

---

The delivery truck pulled away, belching a hazy cloud of blue-gray diesel smoke as it did.  There in front of the two Hino's stood the crate.  It was stenciled with various legends.
"THIS SIDE UP"
"HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE"
"MAINTAIN AT ROOM TEMPERATURE"
"EXPEDITED AIR FREIGHT - RUSH"
The younger Hino was a beautiful Japanese girl at the age of sixteen, dressed in a miko's robes.  Unlike most girls her age that liked to have short hair that was dyed, she prefered a more traditional style.  After all, not everyone should run with the herd - not that it hurts her popularity any: she was considered the Queen of St. Herberk School for Girls.  She eyed the crate warily and said, "Grandpa, I don't usually like to pry into your personal life, but did you order this?"
The elder Hino, an elderly man in a Shinto Priest's garb gave his granddaughter an offended look, but nothing more.  "I ordered nothing.  The address is familiar, though."
That piqued Hino Rei's interest.  "You do?"
"Hmm," replied her grandfather with a nod.  "It's an old friend back in the USA.  We knew each other back in the Occupation days, but when his time in the Army was up he had to return to his home.  Family business to attend to.  He's never been able to come out and visit, but we've been keeping in touch.  He did mention that there was something he needed to send to me, but he never said what."
Rei blinked, then looked to the crate with renewed fascination.  "So this must be it.  Should we open it now?"
Hino sighed.  "We might as well.  We can't have this thing sitting out here all day and it's too heavy for us to move inside.  I'll go get some tools."
At that moment, a low, long, dreadful moan issued forth from the crate, rooting both Hinos where they stood.
"I... I think you'd better hurry, Grandpa."
Another moan, this one shorter, but louder.  The crate jostled slightly as something bumped around inside.
"Yes...  I'll be right back."  And with that the old man ran as fast as his legs would carry him.
Right after he left, the crate jostled a little more sharply and the voice inside became somewhat more coherrent.  "Huh... Whuh... Oh HELL to the muther fuckin' no..."
Rei stood there helplessly, her wide eyes indicating shock.
There was a rapid pounding sound from the crate.  "GRANDPA!  When I get outta here I'm gonna show you just what this little punk-ass kid can do to yer wrinkled old ass!"
Rei was no slouch in her studies, and St. Herberk had an excellent English language program.  Thus, she understood what the voice in the box was saying.  Her expression now was a fun shade of scandalized.  After all, what kind of a man would pack his grandson into a shipping crate and send him to a foreign country without his consent?
There were three heavy impacts from the inside.  "Lemme outta here you old fart!" snarled the voice.  "I don't care how much bad karma it earns me, I'm gonna pay you back with interest!"
Just then, her grandfather came back with two hammers and pry-bars... but Rei wasn't sure she wanted to let this person out yet.  "He's not very happy right now," said Rei nervously.
"C'mon and fight me!"  This time the crate jumped as whoever was inside took a swing.  "I'll bite yer legs off!"
"He's American!" said the old man in surprise.  "Rei, quick, calm him down."
Rei turned and gave him a confused look.  "HOW?"
"I know you've been studying English!  Talk to him!"
"HEY!  WHO'S OUT THERE!  SOMEONE GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA THIS THING!"  *WHAM!*
Rei gulp and took a cautious step forward.  "Ano...  Siruh?  Whoo aruh yhu?"
The crate was silent for a second, then the voice said, "Someone that is really not happy right now.  Can you PLEASE get me out of here!?"
"Hai - oh, Yesuh!  Pleezu, wun minit!"
Rei nodded to her grandfather and the two began to get to work, prying the boards around the top of the crate off.  Whoever was inside waited patiently until he could see a sizable gap under the lid.
"Hold on," said the voice inside, a bit less muffled now.  "Let me try this now.  Stand back.  Far back."
Rei looked to her grandfather, who nodded.  They both put their tools down and took several steps back.
"Okaiy," called out Rei, "we moved."
"Good.  Now, watch out for flying pieces."
Rei only had enough time to wonder what that meant when the crate made a sound of in-rushing air.  And then, with the sound of smashing wood, the top flew straight up to the sky, spinning picturesquely as

it was trailed by swirling streamers of packing straw.  It landed with a dull crunch a few feet away, breaking into a baker's dozen worth of fragments and about a thousand splinters.
Someone rose from the crate.  Long, dark, and messy hair swayed with the breeze despite being mashed up into a fright-mask.  He was squinting against the light as he rubbed his head as though he were trying to sculpt clay.  He was a boy - Rei could not determine his age, but he could either be a fourteen or a late-blooming sixteen.  No way he could be an early-blooming twelve - he just didn't carry himself like that.  He wore black - sweatshirt and sweatpants that would only barely be comfortable in the chilly spring air.  But the most catching detail about him were the sweeping, jagged, black marks under his eyes.  He opened his eyes and looked around, squinting.  as his eyes adjust he finally found Rei and her Grandfather.
"Am I in Japan?" he asked bluntly.
"Yesu," said Rei, hoping that if she's helpful he won't get angry.  "Yhou aruh in Juban - too ouwa froom Tokyo."
The boy closed his eyes and a fiercely gnashed his teeth as he clenched his fists.  The air stirred up around him, swirling as it picked up a few more loose pieces of packing straw.  He then started taking slow and deep breaths and began to relax.  Grandpa Hino breathed a sigh of relief.  He didn't like what he felt, but at least the boy knew he had to calm down before all hell broke loose.
The boy then looked to them, and said, "My name is Zeke.  Who are you?"

---

Ezekiel Darkwood was not pleased.  He had been knocked out by the tea his Grandpa had given him and then shipped off to Japan.  No warnings, no idle chit-chat about their next destination... just BAM!  Welcome to Japan, sucker.  Not that he hadn't wanted to go there, but this was simply ridiculous.
He had never really been on very good terms with his Grandpa Bear - the man was grouchy, crotchety and stubborn, and Zeke had been a poison little pill of a kid from eight o'clock, day one.  He'd improved a lot over the years.  He tried to mind his manners in public and was generally polite... but he still had a nasty habit of being utterly blunt and brutally honest, almost to the point of being tactless.
Zeke was setting up his few belongings in the tiny spare room that Mr. Hino had given him.  Or rather, he should say Hino-san, this being Japan and all.  As far as he could tell, the old man had been a friend of his Grandfather's.  This made Zeke immediately wary, but the priest seemed to be just as wary of Zeke.  And that girl, too.  Sweet Raven above, Zeke swore he had never seen a prettier girl before - she left all the girls on the reservation behind with the smell of burning rubber.  Zeke then chided himself - he had little experience with girls and was nervous at best.
People can suck at the best of times.  Give Zeke the tranquility of the open air or a machine to work and he was happy as a clam.  But that didn't mean that companionship with someone wasn't desireable, and despite his introverted nature, Zeke hated being alone all the time.  To be honest, though, what does one expect having Raven for a god?  He was one of the more mercurial ones - Light and Dark, Life and Death, Destruction and Birth, Joy and Sorrow, Gossiper and Silent Spy.  Pretty much everything applied to the Grand Old Bird himself.  Zeke knew simply because he did.
It kinda sucked being an avatar sometimes.
But there are perks, he reflected as he distracted himself by teasing his bed covers into place with a few gestures.  Aerokinesis was not telekinesis in the usual sense, and he had to use his anger to make it work... but it got the job done.
Zeke looked around his new space - everything was neat and tidy - perfectly orderly.
Order was one of the few things that Raven did not do... and Zeke hated that fact.
"Zee-kun?" came Rei's voice from outside.  "Food."  Grateful for the interruption, Zeke got up to go eat.

---

Okay, changes, aside from obvious:
1) Both parents dead, raised by grumpy grandpa.
2) Only special ability aside from being an Avatar is the ability to directly manipulate the wind... but he has to tap into his anger to do it to any real effect.
3) Not a Whispered, but has excellent mechanical aptitude with no formal training.  Loves junk yards - once assembled a dune buggy out of various car parts.  The engine died the first day, though.
4) Short fuse - forgivable, though, since he doesn't really angst about his past much.  He'll reflect aplenty, but he won't anguish over it.
5) Medicine Man Idiot Savant - instinctively knows that the answer to the blues in most cases is a warm drink and an open ear.
Better now?

[robkelk]

The delivery truck pulled away, belching a hazy cloud of blue-gray diesel smoke as it did.  There in front of the two Hino's stood the crate.  It was stenciled with various legends.
"THIS SIDE UP"
"HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE"
"MAINTAIN AT ROOM TEMPERATURE"
"EXPEDITED AIR FREIGHT - RUSH"

Planes that carry International Air Freight usually fly high-altitude and unpressurized except for the crew compartment. Unless you want Zeke to show up dead from oxygen starvation, you'd better add "KEEP PRESSURIZED" to that list...
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Black Aeronaut]

Natch.

[Jorlem]

I'd be asying something similar, but I was thinking that this is probably a counterbalance to his planned overpowering of Zeke, which I had objected to way back in the chapter threads. I'll be honest here, when you say that one of your OCs is so powerful that one of the three overgods that created the universe would have trouble defeating him, that sets off some warning bells.

Overall, I think the story might be better if both your OC hero and villains were not as awesomely powerful as you've implied they will be. Maybe make Zeke instead get by based on ingenuity, which is the impression that I get of your plan from the fixing Zeke thread. If you really want to keep the the whole corruption thing, I would suggest holding off on that until Galaxia shows up, and having the cousin act as a Knight Templar until then. Knight Templars can make awesome twisted reflections of a hero, and it would probably make for a more interesting story then this guy trying to conquer the world.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but it's taken me this long to get around to writing a reply because of a combination of work and me trying not to get all pissy about this.
Let's put this into a bit of perspective.  The way I've always seen it you can always do a multi-crossover story.  But the thing is: what's the catch?  What is the one thing that draws all the elements together?  My solution has always been to have an OC that's a strange attractor for weird shit.  He is there for the amusement of the powers that be and they have suitably equipped him to get the most nag for their buck - also nice that he's so useful to them as an instrument of chaos.  If it helps, think of it as an urban renewal project on a metaphysical scale. 
Okay, so he's over the top.
Fine.  I get that.  *Crumbles up the character sheet and whiffs the toss to the waste basket, not seeming to care anyhow.*
Snip

---

Okay, changes, aside from obvious:
1) Both parents dead, raised by grumpy grandpa.
2) Only special ability aside from being an Avatar is the ability to directly manipulate the wind... but he has to tap into his anger to do it to any real effect.
3) Not a Whispered, but has excellent mechanical aptitude with no formal training.  Loves junk yards - once assembled a dune buggy out of various car parts.  The engine died the first day, though.
4) Short fuse - forgivable, though, since he doesn't really angst about his past much.  He'll reflect aplenty, but he won't anguish over it.
5) Medicine Man Idiot Savant - instinctively knows that the answer to the blues in most cases is a warm drink and an open ear.
Better now?

Ah, sorry.  I think that part of the problem I had with the power levels might have been because I'm seeing this in a planning forum, not in the story itself.  That is, I'm seeing what you plan as the end result, and not the progression you intend to get there.  Also, when I read the word 'Avatar', a part of me makes a sort of mental jump to Aang's avatar state, which I shouldn't be doing.  I had enjoyed the chapters that you had written previously, and thought the power levels shown in story were ok, from what I recall.  It was what was discussed in the comments that rang a few of my alarm bells IIRC.
Also, if Zeke is a Whispered, then I can see that being a decent source of conflict with the UEC once it is revealed.  Something along the lines of "If you hadn't been born a Whispered, I would have been the one that Raven would have picked!"  Heck, this could be what drives him all the way to fully joining with Amalgam.
Anyway, sorry.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[paladindythe]

You should probably keep that around as an omake. I'm imagining everyone super-deformed and stuff.

[Black Aeronaut]

Ah, sorry.  I think that part of the problem I had with the power levels might have been because I'm seeing this in a planning forum, not in the story itself.  That is, I'm seeing what you plan as the end result, and not the progression you intend to get there.  Also, when I read the word 'Avatar', a part of me makes a sort of mental jump to Aang's avatar state, which I shouldn't be doing.  I had enjoyed the chapters that you had written previously, and thought the power levels shown in story were ok, from what I recall.  It was what was discussed in the comments that rang a few of my alarm bells IIRC.
Also, if Zeke is a Whispered, then I can see that being a decent source of conflict with the UEC once it is revealed.  Something along the lines of "If you hadn't been born a Whispered, I would have been the one that Raven would have picked!"  Heck, this could be what drives him all the way to fully joining with Amalgam.
Anyway, sorry.

It's okay.  Every now and then we all wind up doing something like that.
Whispered status helping to provoke a bad reaction?  Not a bad idea.  Just have to be careful about running afoul of that cheesy 'I'll Show Them All!' trope - it's good in a comedy, but otherwise iffy.

paladindythe wrote:

---

You should probably keep that around as an omake. I'm imagining everyone super-deformed and stuff.

Maybe.  That or I can do an AU version kinda like how that one guy has two versions of his Naruto fic, A Mother's Love. Three, actually, if you count A Father's Love as well.  Too bad he's never finished the Alt versions and probably never will.  Anywho, that sort of setup is one I've been a fan of, too - where you have periods of relative normalcy that are jarred by moments of Refuge in Audacity and Beyond the Impossible.

[Jorlem]

Ah, sorry.  I think that part of the problem I had with the power levels might have been because I'm seeing this in a planning forum, not in the story itself.  That is, I'm seeing what you plan as the end result, and not the progression you intend to get there.  Also, when I read the word 'Avatar', a part of me makes a sort of mental jump to Aang's avatar state, which I shouldn't be doing.  I had enjoyed the chapters that you had written previously, and thought the power levels shown in story were ok, from what I recall.  It was what was discussed in the comments that rang a few of my alarm bells IIRC.
Also, if Zeke is a Whispered, then I can see that being a decent source of conflict with the UEC once it is revealed.  Something along the lines of "If you hadn't been born a Whispered, I would have been the one that Raven would have picked!"  Heck, this could be what drives him all the way to fully joining with Amalgam.
Anyway, sorry.

It's okay.  Every now and then we all wind up doing something like that.
Whispered status helping to provoke a bad reaction?  Not a bad idea.  Just have to be careful about running afoul of that cheesy 'I'll Show Them All!' trope - it's good in a comedy, but otherwise iffy.

Thanks.
I was thinking more along the lines of a combination of anger and jealousy, since it could seem that everything is being handed to Zeke, as he didn't need to work to become a Whispered, and was chosen as Raven's avatar at birth.  While Zeke has to work to learn to use his powers correctly, as a Whispered he is naturally gifted in the sciences and math (in addition to the Black technology and telepathy), so I can see someone like the UEC getting jealous of how hard he needs to work just to keep up.  I'm sure there are tropes for these things, but I can' remember the names.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Necratoid]

Okay... now that we seem to be at a tangent equipable point... Where is this RAGE!!! coming from?  Apparently its deep an vicious a source... did you post DSKS on some other board of site?  Apparently your getting lots of flak, bad enough your going all rewrite on us, from where ever that is.  I'd like to know, because its apparently trauma inducing.  Yes, I know your laptop went *piffle*, and general work sucks are adding stress here, but it seems your doing some combination of skimming and/or ignoing my posts and responding to Jorlem.
This has been happening in since the 'Should I replace Akkican with Rocket Girls?' thread.  I didn't actually read what happened after my last post... at that point I realised it was getting dangerously close to internet polotics land (quickly skimming the post and then responding to what you want them to have said) and/or my computer started being a nonsensical drama queen,.. I can't remember.  I take the point up only after rereading the end of that thread.  Those specifics aren't important here, what is important is you seem to be on a darker edger kick.  Said kick appears to come from some rather venomous review I don't have access to.
Here its happening again.  You apparently got that Zeke needed his own personal villian from siad Toxically, Venomous Reviewers (TVRs).  Your response was to make notMephisto... who pokevolved in a few posts into a baby Warp or something.  Then freaking out occured on Zeke's character... my complaint at least was what you would have to do to Zeke to equalize them.  This thread is villian design, not Zeke tweek.  The alterations to Zeke would be a direct result of Zeke's main character trait/flaw he can't stand being an idle bystander/watcher.  If he can do something he will.  This is both heroic and alien to the real world of Japan (DSKS-wise).  This will let/make Zeke come to the conclusion that he must stop said UEC and he can do something he can't effectly handle for long.  Maybe try to out Avatar UEC, even though he knows he can't hold that state long and if the side effects could be harvested they'd power the world's most powerful vaccuum cleaner.
This would be particularly effective if Zeke is cut off from support and doesn't know when the rest of his allies will show up.  He must stop UEC now.  His allies show up less than a minute behind, but boosted Zeke is already engaging UEC.  Have this part of a larger battle and then have Zeke combat disabled for most of the Death Busters arc.  Give him some time to stew and let it be hammered into his thick skull he isn't alone in his fight.  Nice bit of character developement I think.
Anyway, maybe I was being too subtile, but not through out the perspective biography I suggested, I refered to him as UEC... Unamed Evil Cousin.  He is an avatar of notMephisto, a corrupter.  That bio is from UEC's perspective.  He is the one claiming he is not evll, not me.  Note I remember the SM villians going Dead Moon Circus, Dream Mirror guys, Death Busters, if this isn't the proper order, for this I think it should be.  UEC spends time at first doing the research and banish to the shadow realm thig with Dead Moon... by the time we reach him in the Dram Mirror arc he is far more corrupt (though he is oblvious to this fact).  This is why I suggested the pets.... his interaction with them over time is a big tell of how far he is gone nuts.  By the time he has the option to make them human like he here notMephisto whisper the 'assertions of compliance' from the pets.  Then he treats them like expendable mooks (like the animale-Eye elite mooks)... and blaims Zeke and co for stoppping them with counter vilonce.
The joining AMALGAM thing I will continue to object to.  I think its unnessassary.  Corrupters don't put all their fingers in the same pie.  To put it bluntly, the major villain combining things is notMephisto and not UEC.  Besides having it turn out that the reason what was left of Gauron survives, be becuase he is another avatar... he just is rubish at magic.  UEC is another victim, not the End Boss.

[Black Aeronaut]

Necratoid:

My life has been a veritable hell lately. that's pretty much where the rage is coming from. I won't elaborate any further on the subject as it's personal business - no offense intended. I will say this much - you know how they say your personal life should not be interfering with your work life? Yeah. The only reason I'm still working on this is because if I don't I am going to go absolutely bat-shit insane in that Stepford Smiler kind of way.

Yes, I do realize I'm throwing darker stuff around. Part of it was originally intentional and the other part was simply frustration on my part. As for the freaking out over Zeke... well, that was kinda Jorlem's fault for saying that I was just conjuring an equally over-the-top baddie for Zeke... who is yet another OC. At which point, the irritable, obnoxious little troll version of me that hides in my head and likes to show up at moments like these, pops up and says, "OH! NOW we are getting to the root of the matter! GO CREATIVE RAGE!!!" Add in the fact that I was racking my brains for a suitable rebuttal to your previous post (thank you, BTW, for making me think about the plot).

Anyhow, that's a pretty cool idea of having Zeke burn out for a while during Death Busters (that's the one where Hotaru is introduced, right?). I'm also warming up to the idea of having him associate more with the other anti-Moon groups that come along. My thing is that they're not going to be the only act in town, and part of the fun is going to be seeing the baddies work cooperatively (albeit in a distrustful manner). UEC will most likely be what draws them together, just as Zeke seems to draw all the good guys together.

So, maybe instead he'll just help out AMALGAM on the side of things... a few tantalizing bits of magic that works nicely with technology... or is quite devastating to it. Essentially, ECM warfare using non-electronic devices that don't leave radioactive craters. Zeke makes a few as well, but MYTHRIL never figured they'd have to deal with it since the magical stuffs on the minority anyways. Ouch.

Jorlem:

Hrm... *pokes around at TV Tropes for a moment.*

After some searching, I find that the following tropes will apply to UEC:
Refused By The Call
The Rival
The Resenter
Rival Turned Evil
Ax Crazy
Death Equals Redemption
Sound about right?
As an aside...  regarding the plot:
It's still pretty vestigial right now, and there's a reason for it.  I'm trying to figure out how I want this story to end.  You're worried about it being Grim Dark?  Well, that's because we're seeing bits and pieces of the final conflict where the situation is always at it's most grim and dark.  The entire story is not going to be like this.  I don't do the whole In-The-Grim-Darkness-Of-Warhammer-There-Is-Only-War.
What I want is absolutely epic and audacious give-the-final-flipping-finger to the face of utter doom followed by a knock-down-drag-out fight so glorious that it is more gratifying than Optimus Prime vs. Megatron and The Fallen.  That's right, it's that sort of Final Boss Battle where the dude has thrown his "I kill planets with this" attack at you six times, but you're still hanging strong because of all those hours you spent grinding in the dungeons.  Righteousness - fuck-yeah, baby!  Fuck the power of darkness!  Fuck the power of light!  Cause you ain't seen shit til you've seen the mother of all ying-yang bombs!
....Yeah....
So anyhow, I'm just following the traditional formula of coming up with the final conflict and resolution before filling in the rest of the plot.  I may not have been before, but I am now.

[Jorlem]

The canon order of villains went
Dark Kingdom (Beryl/Metallia)
Doom Tree (Ali & En)
Black Moon (Death Phantom (This is when Pluto first appeared))
Death Busters (Pharoh 90 (the rest of the outer senshi show up))
Dead Moon Circus (What's her name, it starts with an N. Nehelenia?)
Galaxia/Chaos
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Necratoid]

First off, I am perfectly willing to except RL is Hell and I am venting as a legit reason for things.  I was more afraid I was personally doing something and totally missed what I did.  Hazard of life that each level of electronic communication that comes out (and gets major funding) makes it one step harder to read tells.  I'm convinced that is those video phone every catch on they will only have enough room for the head shot... and not having to hold anything, people with be infected with a plague of compulsively talking their hands.  Which, come to think of it, is probably why those things always had wired receivers in the phone booths.  I wonder ft that is fridge brilliance or not.

Anyway, I'm still for DMC before Death Busters... not only is DB more stand alone, but losing their evil social networking glue will through them all off.  This is a perfect time for infighting and minor enemy groups to be assimilated or annihilated.  Having the ones who violate people by strapping them down and getting a face full of their dreams... then having the ones harvesting the thing holding people's souls in their bodies makes sense escalating battles-wise.  It'll also give you time, during the DMC arc to having Neptune and Uranus doing things in the background.  The only real plot issue is that Sailor Saturn will be too chibi to really do much in the Galaxia arc.  Then again she was largely cut scene stupiditied into utter uselessness at the end of that arc and anything she needs to do will be covered by crossover peoples.

I think what you need to do before end game planning is lay out that arcs you already have. So far I think its...
-1) Zeke goes to Japan, saves grandpa Hino, meets and inter acts with Rei, SM gets involved.  Zeke ticks off Alan and Kubiac shows up.
-2) Lum shows up and Zeke goes from minor news human intrst story in Japan to interplanetary celeebrity.  Tag game and Alan being an explitive.
-3) After the Tag race, Lum clings to make Zeke Suffer, Alan tries to assassinate Zeke (by Cardian swarm), Zeke breaks open the oni box/ spirit vault-shrine thing and Alan loses minions... Zeke endears himself to the mob and gets a suitor (not familiar with that series)
-4) Doom Tree mess resolves, a few months pass and Zeke ends up in school, FMP gets involved, idiots from the future get involved, UEC pops up having been alerted to Zeke being famous gets involved with evil and stupid and stuffs.
-5+) ???
...Nth) End game profit!

In short we have to have a basic outline of events you/we know will occur... then you/we can determine what is set in stone, what is optional, and what is still needed.

It also helps if you list out what End Game Results are even possible.  I think that generic list is:
-1) Rocks fall, almost everyone dies.
-2) Rocks fall, but almost everyone lives.
-3) SM style nonsense feel good ending.
-4) Zeke sacrifices himself to save X and maybe all
-5) A long hard fought victory that ends with a epilogue.
-6) Sequel, possibly with Zeke reborn/raised from the dead else where.
-7) Pre college Raven quest road trip (through dimensions/world) bring the harem... or not.
-8) fan rage educing cliff hanger... etc..

[Jorlem]

Slightly off topic, but I'd like to make a suggestion for a possible point of first contact between the Sailor Moon portion of the story and the FMP portion.  Specifically, Amalgam kidnapping Ami, drugging her, and sticking her in a sensory deprivation tube for Whispered testing.  She is the highest testing student in Japan, and has a recorded IQ of 300, so its not unlikely that Amalgam would consider her to be a possible Whispered.  Given what happened with Kaname in canon, as well as what we know of what happened to that girl Mithril rescued in the first episode, this appears to be Amalgam's normal way of doing things.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Rod.H]

Slightly off topic, but I'd like to make a suggestion for a possible point of first contact between the Sailor Moon portion of the story and the FMP portion.  Specifically, Amalgam kidnapping Ami, drugging her, and sticking her in a sensory deprivation tube for Whispered testing.  She is the highest testing student in Japan, and has a recorded IQ of 300, so its not unlikely that Amalgam would consider her to be a possible Whispered.  Given what happened with Kaname in canon, as well as what we know of what happened to that girl Mithril rescued in the first episode, this appears to be Amalgam's normal way of doing things.

I just wandered in to say if that situation occurs -in any SM/FMP story, regardless of author- the result is going to be 1) Sailor Mercury's One Bad Day trigger-point 2) Mercury gains a level of bad-arseness 3) a localized ice age is going to occur at the location of the sensory deprivation tube.

[Jorlem]

Well, yes, of course. But do you think that would discourage Amalgam, or encourage them? Someone in Amalgam is going to be going "If we can figure out how she did that, and weaponize it..."

Assuming Ami has her transformation pen. IIRC, they put Kaname in a hospital gown before putting putting her in the tube, so she might not have it at hand. It might be possible that she could call the pen to her, or transform without it. I can't remember if any of the Senshi ever did that in canon though.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.