Disturbing (and Completely Inaccurate) Revelations About Historical Figures

[Epsilon]

Ayn Rand was a tsundere.
Add your own!
-------------
Epsilon

[Jorlem]

Abraham Lincoln was actually a steam powered robot. The hat was his smokestack.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[SCM Writer of 2814]

William Shakespeare was secretly a lesbian.
--------------------------------------
I am the LORD OF THE CRACK!
Check out said crack:
Takamachi Nanoha of 2814- Green Lantern Nanoha. To START! Now with a TvTropes page!
FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814- The Fifth Holy Grail War with Magical Girl Prisma Illya, in the DCAU, from the above story.
Magical Girl Magistra Erebea Molly- the world's first Dresden Files/TvTropes Crossover.
VENGEANCE! The Musical! The Story of Uchiha Sasuke

[CattyNebulart]

JFK was killed by vampires.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

[Herr Bad Moon]

Issac Newton wrote erotic poetry about Musketeers.
---
Jon
"And that must have caused my dad's brain to break in half, replaced by a purely mechanical engine of revenge!"

[Evil Midnight Lurker]

Edward "Blackbeard" Teach was a master of martial Feng Shui.
--Sam
"I think I ran over a ninja back there."

[Rev Dark]

Edward "Blackbeard" Teach was a master of martial Feng Shui.
That one is true - Blackbeard was known for holding martial Feng Shui sessions with his crew; where they were forced to endure the harmonious environments he created to prove how tough they were.  He would take everyone below decks, close the hatches and light sulfurous fires, the crew had to endure as long as they could before fleeing (or dying as some did.) That is hard-core martial Feng Shui!
Gandhi was a cosplay enema fetishist who liked to use the pipe and bag on nuns...
Oh wait, that one is true too....
Damn, this is harder than I thought.
Emperor Elagabalus used to introduce himself as the wife of his favorite chariot driver... Oh wait, he did that.
Um...
Alexander the Great considered his most magnificent accomplishment to be his Guitar Hero high score.

[Ebony]

In addition to being a brilliant physicist, Albert Einstein was a master of shadow puppetry. His shadow puppet interpretation of the Trinity explosion (culminating in an impersonation of Oppenheimer quoting the Bhagavad Gita that was reported to be hilarious) was always a hit at cocktail parties.
Marcus Aurelius pioneered the ancient and venerable art of tap dancing, but was unable to bring it into popular culture due to the lack of close-toed shoes in the Roman Empire. Tap sandals just weren't that effective.
Fritz Lang actually wanted to do a movie about dancing cats, but his friends convinced him that it wouldn't sell, so he went with "Metropolis," instead.
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com

"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."

[SCM Writer of 2814]

King Arthur is a girl. So is Achilles, Nero and Jack the Ripper.
--------------------------------------
I am the LORD OF THE CRACK!
Check out said crack:
Takamachi Nanoha of 2814- Green Lantern Nanoha. To START! Now with a TvTropes page!
FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814- The Fifth Holy Grail War with Magical Girl Prisma Illya, in the DCAU, from the above story.
Magical Girl Magistra Erebea Molly- the world's first Dresden Files/TvTropes Crossover.
VENGEANCE! The Musical! The Story of Uchiha Sasuke

[OpMegs]

But Queen Elizabeth, on the other hand, was a man.
---
"Oh, silver blade, forged in the depths of the beyond. Heed my summons and purge those who stand in my way. Lay
waste."

[ECSNorway]

Yes, George Washington did chop down a cherry tree.

But he did not use any pansy little axe to do it.

He used a proppa orky choppa.

And that is where the American fascination with guns comes from: Da Need Fo MO DAKKA.
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Proginoskes]

Given past tense, I'm assuming you mean the First, not the Badass Grandma who is our current monarch. For QE1, the above was definitely the image she wanted to project to her troops: she had the heart and stomach of a king! Actually, she still does. Queen Elisabeth is a Time Lady, after all.

[Wiregeek]

Speaking of Time Lords... the last several American Presidents have all been the same person. He has two hearts, is blisteringly incompetent, and hopefully one reincarnation or another he'll get it right.
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies

[Duane Peters]

The writer Robert Anton Wilson was completely correct in all particulars. (Now *there's* disturbing for you!)

[Dartz]

Boris Yeltsin died in office. 5 times.

John Wilkes Booth was on LSD when he thought Lincoln was a Tyrannosaurus
________________________________
--m(^0^)m-- Wot, no sig?

[Rod.H]

Yes, George Washington did chop down a cherry tree.

But he did not use any pansy little axe to do it.
He used a proppa orky choppa.

And that is where the American fascination with guns comes from: Da Need Fo MO DAKKA.

Oh! And here's me thinking he did it with his teeth. Not an axe, nor a choppa, his teeth! Basically, he ate the tree.....

[Bob Schroeck]

George W. Bush was actually the most decorated combat veteran of the Vietnam War. However, he had his war record completely expunged and replaced with a fake National Guard history (via family connections) because his humility would not allow him to live with himself should he gain any fame or other public recognition for his actions.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Wiregeek]

Ever since Ronald Reagan, the American President has been laboring mightily to restrict the growth of the civilization of the earth, to prevent the Galactic Empire from noticing us..
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies

[Ebony]

Given past tense, I'm assuming you mean the First, not the Badass Grandma who is our current monarch. For QE1, the above was definitely the image she wanted to project to her troops: she had the heart and stomach of a king! Actually, she still does. Queen Elisabeth is a Time Lady, after all.

Of course she does. She keeps them in a jar in her desk.
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com

"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."

[Ebony]

Fred Rogers was the master of an ancient order, originally established in Masyaf in Syria during the Crusades. He and Jim Henson were rivals, vying for control over the order, with Rogers emerging victorious after Henson's death from "pneumonia." Oddly enough, Rogers' position as Grand Master of the Assassins did not conflict with his position as an ordained Presbyterian minister.
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com

"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."

[Herr Bad Moon]

Alexander the Great is the reason there is no longer life on Mars.
---
Jon
"And that must have caused my dad's brain to break in half, replaced by a purely mechanical engine of revenge!"

[Black Aeronaut]

Chuck Norris is from Venus.

Nixon was an android built by the NSA.

Elvis Presley is not dead, he just went home.

Scott Pilgrim is really Brian Lee O'Malley's secret autobiography.

[SCM Writer of 2814]

Rasputin was actually a time-traveling cellphone maker trying to sell the Romanovs the latest model.
--------------------------------------
I am the LORD OF THE CRACK!
Check out said crack:
Takamachi Nanoha of 2814- Green Lantern Nanoha. To START! Now with a TvTropes page!
FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814- The Fifth Holy Grail War with Magical Girl Prisma Illya, in the DCAU, from the above story.
Magical Girl Magistra Erebea Molly- the world's first Dresden Files/TvTropes Crossover.
VENGEANCE! The Musical! The Story of Uchiha Sasuke

[robkelk]

Rasputin was actually a time-traveling cellphone maker trying to sell the Romanovs the latest model.

And female. (S)he later ended up being photographed trying to sell the same cellphone to Charlie Chaplin.
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Rev Dark]

The complete debacle of his early career as a Lolicon underwear model drove Ghengis Khan across the known world as he tried to erase the shame of his lacey frilly failure.