I'm a !NAUGHTY! uncle

[hmelton]

My niece's 6 year old boy spent the last night of 2012 staying all night with my family before his parent picked him up to head out on a 12 hour trip to their home in Texas.
Last night I told my ?grand Nephew? that I'd hacked Santa's Naughty and Nice list along with the "PERMANENT NAUGHTY LIST" and switched our names from "Naughty" for the boy's current position on the "NICE LIST". I had to do the switching of names because Santa counts both list twice and any change in the numbers would be noticed and get everything checked and changed back.
His mother must have been telling stories about me from the days I'd baby set her for my brother, because he never questioned for even an instant me being a life time member on the "NAUGHTY LIST".
He also knows I'm the one everyone calls when they have computer problems.(Last year I rebuilt a computer for him.)
I had a ready reply/solution to every objection the poor boy could come up with for me not actually having access.
Most of what I said went over his head, but it all sounded so real that it had him very worried.
(I must say I was rather impressed with his rambling statements and reasons for not being able to access Santa's computers.  I'll make a Engineer and Programmer out of him yet.)
Santa's  computer pass word for 2012 was "CrissS CRINGLE IIXMM" that spelling and form.
The codes needed to take my nephew off the nice list is "Rain deer Oats" and "5 chocolate chip cookies".
(What he left for Santa and he didn't know his mother called laughing because his dad had all but told him he was Santa by telling him Santa wanted chocolate chip cookies and make it at least 5.)
Santa's computer face recognition was no problem after all I've had several good pictures of Santa's face taken back before he gave up on leaving me coal and stopped coming. Here look at this.
(I'm known for taking pictures at all reunions and visits as well as being very good with any sort of gadget and the one to ask about game cameras.)
I know Santa never checks his List between Christmas and January 2. Why should he? the seasons over and he won't start until next year. In fact I've had NORAD hacked for years and this year  Santa and his Elves headed for Hawaii. I watched "dozens" of Sleighs fly out from a place near the North Pole most heading for Hawaii. They left early the day after Christmas.
I happen to know that Santa's computer access log for both the Naughty list and the Nice list are cleared for the new year on January one at 1201 AM and that the general computer access log is always archived and reset on a Sunday of a new week and for the past few years no elves returned until late monday.
My Niece hasn't decide if she wants to kill me or die laughing.( Our family has never been big on Santa and they are already giving hints about the myth. The boy only ever gets one gift from "Santa" with all other gifts being clearly marked and claimed by his parents or the other family members.)
I've only put my replies/solutions because the poor boys objections weren't clearly worded and by the time I was finished shooting down any objections he was getting to be quite rambling and hard to understand.
Early today when his parents picked him up he sleepily mentioned to his mom he wanted to learn all about computers.
Thankfully my Niece was in such a hurry she didn't have time to chase me down and kick me when I explained her son's sudden interest in computers, especially Santa's.
I also managed to keep a straight face until they were gone, but just barely.
One thing I couldn't help thinking was that I wished our government, companies and business actually had half the security a nearly 6 year old boy could dream up to protect Santa's Naughty and Nice Lists.

Have a happy new year and if you don't hear anymore this year from me you'll know that Santa's Elves finally caught me.
hmelton
God Bless

[robkelk]

Tsk, tsk, tsk... breaking into Santa's systems...

You're playing the wrong kind of reindeer games there, you know that?
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[ordnance11]

Looks more like "Splinter Cell" to me
__________________
Into terror!,  Into valour!
Charge ahead! No! Never turn
Yes, it's into the fire we fly
And the devil will burn!
- Scarlett Pimpernell

[Florin]

Telling terrible lies to children is a privlige of Uncles everywhere. In my case when my 4 year old niece told me she was a princess, I replyed that I knew that. Then I warned her that if she was a princess, her mom was an Evil Queen, and that the apples her mom kept trying to get her to eat were poisoned. She claimed not to believe me, but I later learned she refused to eat apples for a month. My sister was NOT AMUSED.
--
If you become a monster to put down a monster you've still got a monster running around at the end of the day and have as such not really solved the whole monster problem at all. 

[Ebony]

My sister just informed me, post Christmas, that she cannot get the My Little Pony theme out of her head. My work is done. (MLP: FiM Season 1 was my present to the nieces this year.)
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com

"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."

[Bob Schroeck]

Upon my strong recommendation, Peg and I gave the entire series of Revolutionary Girl Utena to Nina Avins -- who while not a blood relation might as well be a niece.

I fully anticipate learning that she has started to recite the "For the revolution of the world!" speech at every given opportunity.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[hmelton]

I wasn't thinking of "splinter cell" or "Reindeer Games", but ideas from those two would have been fun to add if I'd had a little more time to prepare.
I love the little princess poison apple stunt, but  there are currently no little girls to pull it on and my Niece(the mother of the above boy) had wanted to be a little princess for  less than a year when I introduced her to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (something her mother has never forgiven.)  Yes her son has all the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle merchandise within his age range.
A warning about the My Little Pony or any other gift that makes a lot of noise, those kind of gifts can boomerang badly, especially if the niece or nephew regularly visits your home.
When my brother and I were just entering our early double digits we absolutely wanted "Rat A Tat" guns, you know those guns where you squeeze the trigger and they make a LOUD sound not unlike a stack of 4 plastic spoons  tied to strike the spokes of a Bicycle wheel. We told everyone (Grand parents, aunts, uncles, friends and any stranger) that we wanted those guns and that Christmas we received 6 of those noise weapons or as my mom called them "GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW!"
She put up with us having at least 4 going at any one time mostly "OUTSIDE!" for about two weeks, but she decided on take desperate measures and a measure of revenge when she walked out the front door and noticed I'd just found a way to squeeze the trigger of all 3 noise guns at once. 
She bundled both of use up and took us to her husband's parents house with the TWO noise guns they had given us and let us spend the day. When she came to pick us up she told us to leave the guns in our toy box at their house. The next day TWO more guns went for a permanent visit with me and brother to her parents home my brother and I tagged along and spent a LONG weekend visiting them.
It didn't do anything about the 2 guns still at home, but it did cut down on the noise by two thirds. It also had another side effect in that we only received the dreaded 4 S's from our grand parents for the next 5 years, you know the 4 S's Shoes, Socks, Shirts and Slacks.
My ?grand nephew? loves aircraft and I've been making small paper airplanes for him for the last year or so, his mom was okay with that, but back in June I came across several 6 foot by 4 foot sections of undamaged high quality very heavy industrial paper used to separate and shield our seed bags. The next time my Niece visited and I presented her boy a 6 foot long "skinny" paper airplane and a "fat" paper airplane with a 5.5 foot wing  span. He loved them to the point of sleeping with at least one of them. His mom said he is extremely careful with them and she has almost given up hope of him destroying them to the point she can finally get rid of them and he pretty much wants one to go EVERYWHERE with him.
This past four months my Niece called me several times and told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to give or show him any more of those 6 foot monsters and was very hopeful that her Christmas gift from "Santa" of a small flying helicopter would make him forget those monsters.
I think she became desperate when I casually mentioned something about planning to trying to use bottle rockets to power my fleet of  6 foot paper airplanes.
So all you Uncles and Aunts that have nieces or nephews interested in aircraft remember a nice cheap toy for them can be made with LARGE section of heavy paper.
Then when your possibly irritated Brother or Sister calls casually mention the version of paper airplane your working on that is powered by fire works rockets and don't forget laugh evilly for full effect.
Sadly my niece proved right about the helicopter and after I showed my nephew how to successfully make it fly he seems to have forgotten about the 6 foot paper airplanes and they are currently sitting in back bedroom, much to her relief.
 
hmelton
God Bless

[Logan Darklighter]

*After getting through with laughing my butt off*

You sir, are a very bad man. 

Early today when his parents picked him up he sleepily mentioned to his mom he wanted to learn all about computers.

And a fantastic uncle. ^_^

[DHBirr]

It pales by comparison with some of the glorious wickedness described in the above posts, but my eldest niece has a birthday tomorrow (her twenty-fifth), and the card I sent her has a cover picture of a mama and baby polar bear snuggling.  So I filled the inside with "bear" puns, starting with "Happy Bearthday!" and signed it as "Mean Uncle David H. Bear."  It was, as I admitted in the card, "unBirrable" of me (I can't claim credit for that one; one of my Army buddies invented it as a nickname for me in the early '90s).
-----
Big Brother is watching you.  And damn, you are so bloody BORING.

[ECSNorway]

Hmmm, can't say I've done any Evil Uncle shenanigans, even if I am one.

Aside from being tempted to pick up as the young 'un's christmas present a little item from BJ's, that being the Wall O Hot Wheels. Imagine a six-foot-by-four-foot package simply -covered- with the dang little cars... for only $20.

Instead I got him one of those little toys that links up to an iPad so you can use the toy as your piece in a video game. He'll figure it out.
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.