Redneck jokes

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ... (January edition)
... you always take a penny but never leave one.... you think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.... your four-year-old grandson has ever said, "Mommy won't let me light the fireworks with grandpa's cigarettes anymore."... guests change their mind about needing to use your bathroom once they see it.... you think the stock market has a fence around it.... your boat has neft the driveway in fifteen years.... you think an instant message involves your middle finger.... you burn your yard rather than mow it.... the Salvation Army declines your mattress.... something hisses at you every time you peer into your crawl space.... you were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.... you never need a menu at Dairy Queen.... you have a script next to the phone for the kids to read to debt collectors.... you clean your fingernails with a stick.... your family business had to close down because the police found out about it.... there are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.... you've ever financed a tattoo.... you've ever passed a lit cigarette between moving vehicles.... no one outside of your family can understand a word your grandpappy says.... you are one armadillo away from a new pair of boots.... you've ever stolen toilet paper.... you've ever drunk box wine from a Pringles can.... you move your trailer fifty feet so you can use your neighbor's Wi-Fi.... you remember exactly where you were when you heard Hostess had gone bankrupt.... people hear your car a long time before they see it....you've never owned a vehical with working windshield wipers.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[SkyeFire]

...you write a story involving a fighter squadron calling itself the "Flying Righteous Piggy wrath."
...20 years later, people still make DYO jokes at your expense.
...you work in hentai -- wait, what? Waddaya mean, "wrong Redneck"?

[ordnance11]

Since I live in what would be called deep red country, cracking one of these jokes is liability to get me lynched, shot and run over.
__________________
Into terror!,  Into valour!
Charge ahead! No! Never turn
Yes, it's into the fire we fly
And the devil will burn!
- Scarlett Pimpernell

[Rajvik]

I live there also and some of them wont while most will just go over their heads.

Also, I resemble some of those remarks
 

[Norgarth]

Rajvik wrote:

---

I live there also and some of them wont while most will just go over their heads.

Also, I resemble some of those remarks

I figure it's okay to resemble some of these (the joke does go you _might_ be a redneck after all), the problem is if you start checking off a lot of them.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ... (Feb edition)

... you can smoke a cigarette while taking a shower.
... your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
... there's a Nixon-Agnew sticker on your family car.
... you've yelled introductions from your toilet.
... Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
... your dog was ever paraded before a jury.
... your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
... you've ever begun a letter with "Dearest Bubba Jr."
... going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
... you use a ShamWow as a doily.
... you regularly light your cigarettes off a stovetop burner.
... you were texting during your driving test.
... you've ever been too drunk to fish.
... nothing on Hoarders shocks you.
... most of your family photos were taken by law enforcement.
... the only condiment on the dining room table is an economy size bottle of ketchup.
... you have a dedicated "beer fridge" in the garage.
... you've worn a tube top to a wedding.
... your sectional sofa didn't use to be.
... you think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
... you check your tire pressure daily but never check your blood pressure.
... you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
... you've driven over 500 miles with a deer on your hood.
... your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
... your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[ordnance11]

Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

South of the Mason Dixon line, he's an icon.

 your dog was ever paraded before a jury.

He'll never tell.

you've ever been too drunk to fish.

No such thing as being "too drunk" for fishing.

nothing on Hoarders shocks you.

Thought you said nothing at Hooters shocks you.

you've worn a tube top to a wedding.

Seen it and appreciated it.

your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Don't see it east of the Mississippi much
__________________
Into terror!,  Into valour!
Charge ahead! No! Never turn
Yes, it's into the fire we fly
And the devil will burn!
- Scarlett Pimpernell

[Star Ranger4]

ordnance11 wrote:

---

you've ever been too drunk to fish.

No such thing as being "too drunk" for fishing.

I disagree:
Hear that thunder rolling till it seems to split the sky?
That's every ship in Grayson's Navy taking up the cry-
NO QUARTER!!!
-- "No Quarter", by Echo's Children

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ... (march edition)
... someone hits your parked car and you don't care.... you use your bath chair for company.... your wife fur coat is her regular coat inside out.... the tabacco chewers in your family aren't just men.... you hit on your marriage counselor.... you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.... the cleanest your yard ever gets is after a flood.... your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.... your wife's "indoor voice" can be heard a block away.... your 80-gallon trash can doubles as a table.... taking your wife for a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.... there's always dog drool and Cheetos dust on your sofa.... your child's first words were "Attention K-Mart shoppers."... the emissions technician starts laughing as you pull up.... there are half a dozen "no Hunting" signs stuffed into your truck.... you bring your dog to work with you.... you buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.... you wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.... you name your twin sons Copen and Hagen.... you've ever shown a picture of Dog, The Bounty Hunter to your hair stylist.... you have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.... your dogs follow you into the restroom.... you made your first slingshot from your grandma's bra.... you consider orange peels left on the coffee table potpourri.... you grow flowers in the old commode in your front yard.... your driving skills kill more wildlife than your hunting.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ... (April Edition)
... your toilet has been running constantly since 1996.... you can't take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.... Whoever came up with "bottomless fries" had never seen your family eat.... you've every picked up a woman in a convenience store.... you said your wedding vows while watching a football game out of the corner of your eye.... you retired within a week of leaving high school.... the chip on your shoulder is barbecue flavor.your hometown is an RV park.... you've ever been passed by the vehicle you are towing.... you don't think reading should be a requirement for high-school graduation.... there are more lies than references on your resume.... you can see four generations of General Motors products from your kitchen window.... you've never owned a vehicle that would fit in a regular parking spot.... your hair salon is also an auto parts store.... your firearms collection is illegal anywhere in the world.... you think 'The Lord of the Rings' is a wrestler.... you think Chanel No. 5 is what your wife watches all day.... you were related to more than half the kids on your school bus.... your porch swing is a tire swing.... you've ever phoned your mama while sitting on the toilet.... your front yard doubles as a go-cart track.... the only gated community you've ever visited was a correctional facility.... your bra size has a comma in it.... there is an electronic singing fish in more than three rooms of your house. (I'd say having them in 3 rooms was enough by itself - TB)... the 'Just Married' sign in your rear windshield is semi-permanent.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Ebony]

You know, these jokes really weren't all that funny when Jeff Foxworth was doing them back in the 90s.
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com

"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ... (May edition)
... no one is wearing sleeves in your wedding photos.... the mud in your yard extends half-way across the front room.... you have reserved parking at Arby's.... raccoons skip your trash can.... you've ever used jumper cables to start your washing machine.... you were born with a spork in your mouth.... everyone in your family portrait is holding a weapon.... you've given ammunition as a Mother's Day gift.... you've stared into a lava lamp for over half a day.... you get a job at the dollar store for the employee discount.... you carry cigarettes, a cell phone, and car keys in your bra.... your first question upon being told you have three months to live is "Will I miss the Daytona 500?"... the smoking section is whichever one you are sitting in.... the collar on your dog costs more than what you're wearing.... "jiggle the handle" is written in sharpie on your toilet.... the last time you moved your car, you and two neighbors were pushing it.... you don't stop arguing with your wife while answering the front door.... you use Wite-Out to do a French manicure.... you inherited a collection of stolen road signs.... you text more than you talk. (this is more of a 'You might be a modern teenager if...')... your underwear is older than your wife.... you always stop to inspect roadkill.... you have the macaroni and cheese cooking instructions memorized.... you check your lottery numbers daily but have never checked your credit score.... your wife calls you "daddy" but your kids don't.... you framed your public urination citation.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ... (June edition)
... strangers have to help you push your car out of an intersection at least once a week.... you smelled manure during your wedding.... Preparing a meal means disturbing a cat.... found coins form a significant portion of your income.... you've shot a possum without getting out of bed.... you need more than one shopping cart at the thrift store.... your vanity license plate is misspelled.... you know your wife's bra size but not her eye colour.... the person who stole your identity made a poor choice.... nobody wants to sit next to you at Little League games.... you've never been arrested with a shirt on.... you think the royal family is Count Chocula, Burger King and the Dukes of Hazard. (what? no Dairy Queen?)... you've ever "borrowed" a urine sample.... your pastor drives a monster truck.... cutting your fingernails is a two man job.... you've used duct tape over an open wound.... the National Guard is jealous of your firearms collection.... starting your car requires another car.... your plumbing gets mistaken for paranormal activity.... your best jacket has a hood.... you think Facebook is where the police keep their mug shots.... there are spit cups at your Bible study.... there's nothing skinny about your skinny-dipping.... your deck has been mistaken for a recycling center.... you've ever flashed your Costco card to impress a date.... you refuse to eat hushpuppies because you're a dog lover.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ...
... one car leaving your driveway involves another five being moved.... someone mentions your stepdad and you reply, "Which one?"... you responded "Seriously?" during your wedding vows.... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.... you've ever mooned somebody from a ferris wheel.... every meal you eat involves something in a bun.... there are bumper stickers on your coffee table.... you were baptized on a Slip'N Slide.... you've ever backed up a quarter mile to retrieve a stray mattress.... your place of business is towed behind your truck.... the deciding factor when buying a home is its proximity to a liquor store.... every window in your home is covered with muddy paw prints.... the photo lab calls the police after developing your film.... your car has seat covers over seat covers.... your wedding cake was decorated with Cheez Whiz.... your bra doubles as a purse.... the curtains in your living room are camouflage.... your dream car only makes left turns.... you want your Camaro and Coors Light mentioned on your tombstone.... any of your pets came with the house.... some of the faces on your family reunion video have been digitally blurred.... the gas in your riding mower was previously in your bass boat and before that in your truck.... you've cleared a space in your yard for UFOs to land.... you own more cars than socks.... what the world sees as roadkill, you see as new boots.... everything in your freezer was caught, not bought.... more than one person yelled "Don't do it!" durring your wedding vows.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[robkelk]

... everything in your freezer was caught, not bought.

Around here, that's a sign that you're a Native.
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[ordnance11]

I was nodding at each and everyone of your latest batch......which is kinda sad.
__________________
Into terror!,  Into valour!
Charge ahead! No! Never turn
Yes, it's into the fire we fly
And the devil will burn!
- Scarlett Pimpernell

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ... (August edition)
... you make more than five bucks a week from take a penny, give a penny trays.... the staff at the dollar store know you by your first name.... you always pretend to take a phone message but never write anything down.... you take more than one magazine with you to the bathroom.... your beauty mark was a tick. (*shudder*)... you've ever applied makeup with a caulk gun.
... the white lettering on your tires is in your handwriting.... you've inflated an airbed with a leaf blower.... a pest control service uses your home as a "before" photo.... you pop your hood more than four times a day.... you think two of the Seven Wonders of the World belong to Dolly Parton.... your home contains more TVs than pens.... the wedding bouquet gave the bride a rash.... you can take your bra off while driving.... there are commemorative "I survived" shirts at your family reunion.... you put sugar on your Frosted Flakes.... you've ever sprained your wrist while high fiving.... your birthstone is gravel.... your "outdoor cat" doesn't want to be.... you refer to your wedding day as "the beginning of the end."... following your truck is hazardous in multiple ways.... you select a date's corsage to match her tattoo.... you named your truck.... you pawned one wedding ring to pay for another.... you believe in UFOs and Sasquatch but think the moon landing were staged.... you've ever written your resume on a cocktail napkin.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ... (sept edition)... there's a can holder in your shower.... the dog groomer charges you double.... the mechanic has to sit down for a few minutes after looking under the hood of your car.... you call your boss "dude."... you don't need a clean shirt to go to work.... you're always asked to step to one side at airport security.... anyone spat out their beer when the bride said, "I do."... the pink flamingos in your yard ceased to be pink sometime in the 90s.... every job you've had paid daily.... you show up Friday night for a Saturday morning yard sale.... beer bellies run in your family.... you think a hedge fund is the cash you buried in your yard.... you find bits of a broken headlight in your deerskin rug.... people ask you if you were in the movie Deliverance.... your grandmother wears a tank top without a bra.... your favorite party trick involves an empty beer can and your cleavage.... you've ever left a bingo game in handcuffs.... the only framed certificate in your house came from Chuck E. Cheese.... your sexiest gown came from a hospital.... your monthly vet bill is higher than your mortgage payment.... you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.... your wedding guests could sit on either side of the aisle and still be with family.... you _and_ your wife have to wear a ponytail at work.... you've never thrown away a Big Gulp cup.... the police officer takes a deep breath before listing the reasons he pulled you over.... every faucet in your home is permanently dripping.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ... (October edition)
... you've gone over a decade without consuming fresh fruit or vegetables.... your grandmother is pregnant.... you use ranch dressing more than three times a day.... your favorite actor is animated.... most of your job interviews take place in parking lots.... your weekend starts on Wednesday afternoon.... your deer stand has electricity, basic cable and a mailbox.... you regard splitting a 12-pack as "foreplay".... you can cast farther than you can run.... you've made out in the back of a police car.... you've ever peed in the sink while your wife used the commode.... the tear in your eye during your vows was caused by cigarette smoke.... ypu have a tattoo that says "Mother" but it's spelled wrong.... you carry ketchup packets on your person at all times.... you tuck your shirt into your underpants.... every time your wife wears a fur coat there are Sasquatch sightings.... you were wearing a John Deere hat in your senior picture.... you've used hairspray to kill flying bugs.... you've ever lost a coin in your chest hair.... your prom dress was knitted.... you've sued an all-you-can-eat buffet for false advertising.... your oil funnel is a cut down Dr. Pepper bottle.... you can blow a Dallas Cowboys star in cigarette smoke.... your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.... you've ever re-gifted a pet.... you wear your Marlboro windbreaker to church.... you've ever slipped a new Auto Trader under the restroom door to your husband.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ... (November ed)
... you responded "Do what?" during your marriage vows.... your first pet came from a trap.... you've ever been on TV not wearing a shirt.... the first thing you say to your wife every morning is "Sorry."... you've used a Twister mat for anything other than Twister.... you have a trophy with the word "Farting" on it.... the only time a woman ever chose you was in a police line up.... you call the stains on your sofa 'the pattern'.... the last thing your ex-wife ever said to you was "Don't you dare hang up!"... your home is more widely traveled than you are.... tying your shoelaces gives you a headache.... your lunchbox for work is a family-size cooler.... you think gun control is what your shoulder is for.... there was a Slip'N Slide at you reception.... your idea of birth control is crossing your fingers.... your obituary mentions Hooters.... you take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
... you have a shooting rest permanently attached to your driver side door.... you only get flowers from your husband when the median is in bloom.... you have to wash your hands _before_ you go to the bathroom.... you stay married for the sake of the tattoos.... your Halloween pumpkin is your Thanksgiving side dish.... you've ever used a bungee cord as a belt.... your mom offers to pay for a vasectomy.... you haven't left home since the liquor store started delivering.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Norgarth]

You Might be a Redneck If ... (December ed)
... your cow comes when you call it.... you think the Seven Wonders of the World include Super Wal-Mart, drive-thru pawn shops, and Taco Bell's 99 cent menu.... your garage door opener wears a bra and shares your last name.... you've used duct tape to seal a colostomy bag.... the only candlelit dinner your wife gets is during a power outage.... you get a DUI on the way to bail someone out of jail for a DUI.... you've been ejected from a UPS store for photocopying body parts.... your cell phone can't understand a single word you say.... you think truffles are a brand of potato chips.... your perfect day involves NASCAR, nachos, and napping.... you get paper cuts washing the dishes.... your family car has flames painted down both sides.... you take your cat to the vet in a live animal trap.... your retirement plan is a garage full of Twinkies.... you've ever put a lift kit on a Barbie Jeep.... you think Netflix is a movie about fishing.... you take a day off work to go to Bass Pro Shops.... your flashing Christmas lights aren't supposed to.... you think instant messaging involves your truck's horn and your middle finger.... you traded a hunting rifle for photography services.... you've cleaned out your ear with a Twizzler.... you decorate your Christmas tree with silly string.... a bait shop robbery is headline news in your town.... your dog can smoke a cigarette.... you think liability means the ability to lie with a straight face.... you make your car payments over the fence to a neighbor.... Your only contact with the metric system is a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin