Hold Emma/The Humour Criminal (Worm AU filk)

[classicdrogn]

Have you been following BeaconHill's fic Nemesis on SB and/or SV? If not, you're missing out, but the short version is that when Emma buys powers from Cauldron and becomes the hot new Ward, Taylor takes up the role of a joke villain in order to trash her in the court of public opinion. This is a filk omake I made following some of the discussion on SV.

(with apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)


(Gallant)
Hold, Emma!
Ere your irate vendetta proceed
against our wills to escalate
just bear in mind that we are Wards in Brockton Bay,
And Bumblebee is a humour criminal!

(Shadow Stalker)
We'd better pass,
or Piggy will have our ass.
Bumblebee is a humour criminal!

(Wards)
Yes, yes, she is a humour criminal!

(Bumblebee)
Yes, yes, I am a humour criminal!

(Bees begin buzzing in tune)
I am the very model of a Brockton humour criminal,
I've stolen ice cream, petty cash, and things that are less physical
My nemesis Crystalia's dignity is now minimal
The way she blows her top in public is hardly well spinnable;

I've gotten more acquainted, too, with other Wards more reasonable
Who stop to toss a frisbee when the summer weather's seasonable
My reputation's comical and clips are always on the news (on the news... on the news...)
And I know how to tumble if I trip running in high heel shoes!

My fuzzy minion bumblebees are cute and very cuddlesome
Although their poor coordination often is quite troublesome:
In short, in matters ideologolical and visual,
I am the very model of a Brockton humour criminal.

I've vandalized and tried to steal our founder Brock's statuary
By lifting it with a net and more bees than an apiary
And though I had to cheese it when Crystalia came running in
I still escaped with ease and got some awful insect punning in;

I can't tell you what twisted thoughts have led her to obsess on me
All I can say is it doesn't seem likely she'll be and let bee
Still with every appearance I do seem to be making quite a buzz (hm, quite a buzz... Ah! I have it!)
With villainy and slapstick in the grandest game there ever was!

Perhaps one day I'll recruit a bee-tween sidekick and learn the quadrille
So she can translate for my bees with dance on top of Captain's Hill
In short, in matters ideologolical and visual,
I am the very model of a Brockton humour criminal.

In fact, when my lair's filled with loot just like a golden honeycomb
When I've escaped the heroes and have taken all the money home
When I've achieved the highest popular rating on PHO
When my wiki page has been filled out with "this is that" and "such is so,"

When such affairs as burglaries and stick ups I'm an expert of,
Yet hero teams are begging to recruit me for the public's love,
When I have raised awareness for colony collapse and parasites
When my apian crime wave has gone on for at least six dozen nights
In short, when I have brought into clear focus pollinator's rights (oh, that is a tough one... Aha!)
You'll say a better humour criminal has never come to light!

For my criminal ambitions, though I'm plucky and adorable,
Are entirely illegal, immoral, and yes, deplorable;
In short, in matters ideologolical and visual,
I am the very model of a Brockton humour criminal.


--------

Whew, that was easier than expected yet harder than just writing a prose omake. Now, who else is imagining Bumblebee doing the "With cat-like tread" song?

[itsune9tl]

Judge: Bumblbee, you have been found guilty of 20 humour Crimes against Brockton bay, this bears a minimum sentence of 100 hours as a mime each.  However do to situations and the state of the Jury, your sentance has been commuted to 60 hours (produced) of weekly televised stand up comedy.

Bangs Gavel

This court is hereby closed.

[Rajvik]

i was chuckling by the end of Shadow Stalker's part

i was laughing within two verses of Taylor's

i really should read that story, the start kinda put me off of it though

[classicdrogn]

(merging double posts)
Well, the song is actually pretty close to a summary of the fic so far, if with a far lower ratio of omake to canon. I'll admit the beginning of Nemesis does feel a little iffy, but if three story posts don't win you over five sure will.

--------

(duplicating a post from the SV thread)
Honestly, I keep rereading it and wanting to do a version broken down phonetically due to the places where a word does need the emPHAsis on a different sylLAble in order to make it fit. And also because "ideologolical" is only sort of a real word and is supposed to have a soft G like "ideology" rather than hard like "ideologue." (It should mean "pertaining to the study of a system of ideas" if I assembled the suffixes correctly, but I don't find it listed in a dictionary or online.)

[classicdrogn]

who else is imagining Bumblebee doing the "With cat-like tread" song?

With Ant-Like Tread
(With apologies once more to Gilbert & Sullivan)

(There are multiple versions of this song, but I worked from the clip which this google search should bring up)

BUMBLEBEE:
With ant-like tread
Into the school we steal
No child's head
Need trepidation feel
No sound at all
But softly buzzing wings
A cat's foot-falls
Would be the louder things

TEACHER:
I'm not so sure... I'm not so sure...

BUMBLEBEE:
So friendly is each bumblebee
No need to call the PRT

Come, children, pet my bees
There's no need to cower
Pollinator power
Let's vary burglary
With a little revelry

(Note: the music forces this verse to be here, but for better timing move it to just before the teacher's next line)
Queen Bee at school today
Not the kind of queenie
who's a stuck up meanie
Everyone wants to play
Come on teacher, what you say

to TOM BUMBLEDIL:
I can't blame your
want to play a bit
With such lovely flowers
How could you resist?

Childish laughter
is as sweet as honey
We've got time
Before we need to flee

TEACHER:
I'm not so sure...

BUMBLEBEE:
You can go first

TEACHER:
I'm not so sure...

BUMBLEBEE:
Ensure no hurts

TEACHER:
...
...
WOOHOO!

BUMBLEBEE:
With Ant-Like Tread
Into the school we steal
No child's head
Need trepidation feel
No sound at all
But softly buzzing wings
A cat's foot-falls
Would be the louder things

Bee-back is comfy, see
Aerial gyration
Frolicsome elation
No need for jealousy
Everyone gets their own bee

And if from high
A daring fool should leap
A practiced catch
His noggin safe to keep

Come, now it's time to leave
We've accomplished our--
Oh just take the flower
Check later and you'll see
Buses painted festively

With ant like tread
a flower
sweet
we steal

When Emma's head
explodes
it's fair
we feel

(Swarm leaves)

TAYLOR:
That bitch, is she mad?
So twisted up inside
A schoolyard fight is bad
endangers lives

AUDIENCE:
YES! YES!
Crystalia is mad

DR MOTHER:
Yes yes
Crystalia is mad

CRYSTALIA:
Yes yes
I'm furiously mad

[hazard]

Hey Bob, we need to be able to like posts. Because I'm really liking this version of With Catlike Tread.

[classicdrogn]

Thanks! I tried.

That's what the "rate" button is supposed to be for, but it apparently only works in theme-I-don't-use

[Bob Schroeck]

You can always temporarily swap into the Default theme just long enough to rate the post, using the theme selection control at the very bottom right corner of the page. That's what I just did...

EDIT: Note, however, that you're giving reputation points to the poster when you rate a post, not to the post itself.

[Star Ranger4]

????????

Why do I suddenly feel I am missing something important?

[classicdrogn]

Well, if you haven't been reading the fic, it's probably harder to understand, what with Ant Like Tread being pretty much a direct translation of the latest chapter into lyrics. The fic is hilarious once you get past the srs bzns drama of the first chapter or two, so I highly recommend it.

SB link
SV link

The story itself is the same on both sites, but many of the omake contributed are only on one of them - and there are a lot of omake. Looking at the SV word counts because that's the tab I still have open, it's 41k words of actual Threadmarks, and 57k in the Apocrypha tab. I'm pretty sure SB has an even higher ratio, with its larger user base. Quality varies, of course, but generally they're at least good enough not to regret the time spent reading.