ROTFL - Rise From the Dead

[Black Aeronaut]

So, finding a good Human in Equestria fic is kinda hard these days.  The good ones are all either long-running stories that I'm already following, are NOT about humans in Equestria, or are shorts that, while good, don't quite have the satisfaction slogging through a long, well written story has.

I took a chance on this one and I haven't regretted it.

The basic premise is that Anon lives with Twilight Sparkle - a version of her that is incredibly autistic - and for whatever reason, Anon has been taking down her Friendship Reports instead of Spike.

You can easily imagine where this is going.

The best part is that someone else has been doing a side-long fic for this one that contains Celestia's responses to Anon's... missives.

Here's one of my favorite Friendship Reports.

Dear Princess Cellphone,

Today I learned that hickeys are a mark of sexual love, and should not be used to show affection for a family member.

Your freak with a streak,
50 Shades of Purple

The original fic, Dear Princess Sunbutt: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/450053/...ss-sunbutt

And the sister fic, To Anon: From HRH Sunbutt: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/450190/...rh-sunbutt

EDIT: And now, a snippet from the sister-fic, provided with no context whatsoever.

Dear Anon,

I am revoking your 'only sane one' card for the week.
Do you want zombie parasprite apocolypses? This is how you get zombie parasprite apocolypses.

Your friend,
Tia

[robkelk]

The first two comments to this Friendship is Dragons strip:

RuBoo:
Ah, so that’s how it’s gonna go down, is it?

Usyra:
Well, duh. It's like putting the Three Stooges in charge of guarding the pie room.

[Norgarth]

Not so much from a fic as from an omake for a Worm fic (taylor Varga)

Amy: Behold my latest and greatest invention! A super-organism that will render all politicians obsolete!

Lisa: Amy... You've trained two parrots to scream obscenities at each other non-stop.

Amy: Not true! I also dyed them red and blue.

[Black Aeronaut]

Oh boy.  Here's a great zinger from Salvage, Sarcasm, and Submarines.

Premise: Georgia is an Abysal Ohio-class sub.  Chitose is an IJN Seaplane Tender Kanmusu.

Together, they fight crime!

Er, rather, they just finished an argument over whether or not Chitose's actions will be considered traitorous.  They also have a Ri-class with them that they "turned" and renamed Hakone.  She's... very NAIVE.... but she's just been retrofitted to launch Mk48 Torpedoes soooooo yeah.

We started walking back to a worried Hakone, standing next to the smoking fairies. "You know these caravans have been going on for the past two years, right? Vietnam can survive one more, especially if they get your help to go along with it." I murmured. Chitose didn't reply, though judging from her grin, she heard.

"Are mommy and daddy finished fighting?" Hakone said worriedly. The construction fairies above her head started roaring out laughing.

"WHAT/Whaat?!" Me and Chitose exclaimed almost simultaneously.

"HAAA! I told you she'd say it! I friggen told you!" One of the fairies said, slapping her overall covered knee. Another started choking, apparently having swallowed her cigarette butt. "I know these new constructs are gullible, but wow they really parrot back anything you tell em to say!"

"...Damn fairies"

"...Agreed"

Start reading here: https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/...t-66050544

[Rajvik]

BA, from what i've been told, Georgia isn't just an Ohio class sub, (abyssal) but actually is the current OMFG-REFIT that stripped out its nuclear launch capability for something like 120-160 cruise missiles

[ECSNorway]

BA, from what i've been told, Georgia isn't just an Ohio class sub, (abyssal) but actually is the current OMFG-REFIT that stripped out its nuclear launch capability for something like 120-160 cruise missiles

She is. "OMFG" in this case stands for the four subs that received the conversion -- Ohio, Michigan, Florida, Georgia.
24 ICBM tubes were converted to 22 7-Tomohawk launch tubes and two special forces airlocks.

[classicdrogn]

Also, it's the reaction of current WWII shipgirls when she demonstrates her abilities.

[Rajvik]

it was also the reaction from one of the congressional staffers from what i've heard when the AFC received the Pentagons specs on the rebuild

[Black Aeronaut]

it was also the reaction from one of the congressional staffers from what i've heard when the AFC received the Pentagons specs on the rebuild

Well yeah.  That's more firepower than a Ticonderoga-class Cruiser can pack.  (128 VLS Cells (122 if they have the strike-down cranes) vs 154 Tomahawks)  The only way that can be any better was if they converted a few launch tubes to fire Harpoon missiles... but then again, that's what Mk48 torpedoes are for. 

[Norgarth]

couldn't figure out how to save/repost this, but I figured a bunch of you would get a laugh from it.
a post in a funny Pics thread on Spacebattles,
https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/...t-80015125

[Black Aeronaut]

Beware of Chicken is chock full of absolutely priceless gems.

Here's a particularly shiny one.

“Let’s go there, I’ve had food from there before,” the Blade of Grass stated, as she pointed to a noodle shop.

Tigu’s head swiveled, and she saw something interesting. A man with a long blue spear upon his back talking to another woman who wore a rather excessive amount of silk robes.

Other cultivators.

Tigu felt her blood pump faster, as she recalled her Master’s wisdom.

“Ha! We head towards an exciting place!” she enthused.

Xiulan paused, and turned back to Tigu “....The noodle shop?” she asked with a smirk.

“Yeah! Our Master says that when cultivators gather at a restaurant, a fight or an altercation shall invariably break out!” Tigu declared authoritatively. “He said to dive behind the counter and watch!”

Xiulan chucked. “Come now, I’m sure he meant that as a joke…” she trailed off, her brow furrowing. “Well, there was that time with the Young Mistress of Misty Lake, Xianghua, or there was the time with that Young Master, or…”

The Blade of Grass paused. She opened her mouth, and closed it again. She pondered for a moment more.

“Huh,” she finally muttered.

[Florin]

I just finished binging thorough Timeless Academia, an FGO/MHA crossover with Deku taking the role of Humanities Last Master and this exchange while talking about Carmilla and Vlad Tepes made me laugh:

"No, no, that's a different situation." Da Vinci quickly answered. "Remember? They were influenced by those stories because they made them so famous. That doesn't mean they actually did those things. Trust me, real vampires don't act anything like those two."

"But-wait." he started to answer, but what Da Vinci had said actually began to sink in. He looked over at her with wide eyes, a tinge of fear in them. "What do you mean real vampires...?"

At this, both Da Vinci and Dr. Roman sighed. "Izuku, you've already seen werewolves, zombies, and dragons, but vampires are a whole other situation. I'm pretty sure your poor brain, big as it is, would explode if we tried to cram it all in there now." the former replied.

"Yeah, we've got enough to think about at the moment, you'll want to save that brand of madness for another day." Dr. Roman added.

"Although we could always tell him about the moon." Da Vinci admitted.

"You keep quiet about the moon!" Dr. Roman admonished.

For anyone who doesn't know depending which Fate timeline your in the Moon is either the original source of vampires or a giant alien supercomputer recording everything that happens on Earth.

[LilFluff]

From Iron Blooded Commander a Battletech/Planetary Annihilation SI fic, on the SI character Vicki's likely to keep growing reputation for "finding" Castles Brian and other LosTech Caches (that so far have mostly been completely or partially the result of her using her commander's nano forge and then saying, "Oh look, an SLDF cache!" to explain the presence of whatever she created):

Archon Katrina Steiner: Vicky, I'm told you found another heavily stocked SLDF outpost on your latest mission.

Vicky: Yes! For I am a LosTech finding genius!

Katrina: ...on a heavily populated and heavily traveled world...

Vicky: Yup. I'm awesome!

Katrina: Victoria. You discovered it in the capital city directly underneath the main starport.

Vicky: Ahhh.. what did I do wrong?

Katrina: Victoria, the report I'm reading says there was a 'Mech-scale entry ramp helpfully labeled "SLDF Outpost Here".

Vicky: People don't pay attention! Really!

This one not from the story itself, but a quick omake posted by Kellcat.

[Norgarth]

from Proteus chapter 8 by EllenBrand (Teraverse)

I nodded again and swung around to grab my lovely wife before anyone could suggest hacking the Pentagon and bombing the mail server with My Little Pony fanfiction. Actually, maybe I should suggest that one of these days. Some quality Discord/Fluttershy redemption fic might be good for some of those idiots.

[ECSNorway]

From the “Agatha’s Bad Plan” series, in which she actually does decide to try to rescue whoever might be left in Passholdt (spoilers: there isn’t anyone left to save). 

‘I don’t know what a kolee is,’ said Gil. ‘But with my father the testing is endless.’

‘Grindstone,’ Agatha said, not quite under her breath. Gil looked bewildered again.

‘Teacher,’ Zeetha said, exerting herself not to laugh at either of them. ‘In the Skifandrian warrior tradition. Kolee-dok-zumil. Teacher and student, cause and effect, grindstone and knife. It doesn’t translate perfectly. It’s a very intimate relationship, but not a gentle one.’ After a second’s thought, she added, ‘Of course, it’s usually between women. Fathers are expected to be a gentling influence.’

Gil stared at her. ‘Not only is that not usually the case in Europa, but...definitely not my father.’

‘Ah, well--’ Zeetha paused, glanced sideways at Agatha, and tapped a finger thoughtfully against her lips. ‘Actually, doesn’t he go around making people stop fighting each other?’

Agatha made a noise somewhat like a hiccup.

‘Yes, but not really on a personal level,’ said Gil. ‘And he does it by threatening to hit them harder than the other person could if they don’t stop.’

Zeetha shrugged and deadpanned, ‘Okay, so he’s in touch with his feminine side,’ just to watch Gil’s eyes bulge.

[Black Aeronaut]

Pfft-HAH!

Someone call the Foglios, quick. I think we found someone they need to collaborate with, because that was fucking PERFECT.

[robkelk]

Taking a trip down memory lane, to the days when Y2K compliance statements were de rigeur. We don't hear cursing like this any more... thank goodness.

Kuno roared, "THAT DANKISH BEEF-WITTED PUTTOCK!!!"

For a brief, brief moment, everyone glanced awkwardly at Kuno, then everyone returned to fuming.

The Surreal World, chapter 3

[Matrix Dragon]

From the DC/RWBY Crossover Hunters of Justice, the girls (plus Qrow) get their first time travel adventure...

The time travelers looked at Jonah for a moment, then Ruby admitted, "Yeah, that's fair."

"Thought so. Now come on, let's get this over with," Jonah said, then turned around and began walking to the inn he was initially supposed to be staying in for the next few days. "By the way, you never actually said what year you're from."

"Oh, my friends and I are from 2019," Ruby cheerfully answered, only to notice that the rest of her team had stopped.

"Uh, Ruby? No, it's not," Weiss refuted. "It was 2019, but now it's 2020."

"…Huh?" Ruby muttered in confusion as she tilted her head to the side, especially when the others turned to look at Weiss in just as much confusion.

"It's not that, either. It's 2021," Blake said, but Yang fervently shook her head.

"You're all wrong; it's 2022!" Yang declared, then Qrow shrugged.

"I'm not used to Earth's calendar yet, but I distinctly remember the Watchtower celebrating New Year's for 2023," Qrow said.

As Ruby's head began to hurt, an irritated Jonah Hex asked, "Well, which is it, then?"

"Oh, no…" Imra muttered, then quickly tapped a few buttons on her holographic projection.

"What is it now?" an annoyed Jonah asked while the Remnantians tried to figure out why they each thought it was a different year.

"Team RWBY, Qrow, remember when I said that your native time period has a lot of different timelines, all diverging and converging constantly?" Imra asked, and Weiss nodded.

"Yes, why?" she asked, and Imra looked at her.

"Well, that extends to the current year," she revealed. "You're all correct."

"…Huh?" Ruby said, unable to comprehend what Imra was saying, while Weiss began to feel a migraine coming on, and Qrow, Blake, and Yang looked at the Legionnaire with baffled expressions on their faces.

"Thanks to your native timeline being so messed up, it is simultaneously 2019 to 2023 and beyond," Imra revealed. "What classifies as 'modern day' was constantly shifting and moving forward, but thanks to us rushing through our chronological traversal, all of you are now out of sync with each other.

"…You're kidding me?" Blake begged, but Imra shook her head.

"I'm afraid not. But, luckily, you should get back in sync with each other when we return to Metropolis."

Everyone stared at the Legionnaire silently for a few moments, then Qrow muttered, "I need another drink…."

Jonah grumpily added, "This is why I hate time travelers…."

That was enough for an exasperated and existential Ruby to scare everyone else on the street as she yelled, "WHAT YEAR IS IT?!"

https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/...t-89403026

[drakensis]

Nedzu put down his tea cup on the table with so much strength that the fine china shattered, fuming tea spilling everywhere.

No one dared to move.

“You are going to listen carefully to what I am saying because I am not going to repeat myself,” the principal said, still holding the handle of what was once a cup, his voice low and his eyes too intense for comfort. “Midoriya Izuku is free to do whatever he wants. We are not going to ask him anything about his quirk. And if anyone of you puts me in a situation where I am forced to interact with that delightful, smart and full of potential student, I will make you pay for it.”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/406345...0#workskin

[robkelk]

"Why would an Epic level Wizard be hidin' out in a tiny, run-down, secret village in the middle o' nowhere?"
beat
"Nevermind, that question answered itself."

Friendship is Dragons, strip #1918 - Anywhere to Bide

[Shepherd]

Chapter 18 of "Naruto, I Just Want You to Know, This is Entirely Your Fault." The entire chapter. It just gets funnier and funnier with each new paragraph of Konoha's council being forced to sit through a meeting with a representative of the daimyo.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/507717.../129785116

A few highlights:

Minato’s eyes flitted around the room covertly - everyone had completely zoned out, with the exception of Inoichi, who’s face had fallen into an expression of fascinated horror - good, that meant he saw this for what it was too. Minato bet’s Inoichi never expected to be beaten so soundly in the art of subtle torture unintentionally by a civilian noble with absolutly no training to speak of.

Minato’s gaze shifted to Inoichi’s left, falling on Shikaku. Shikaku is sat ramrod straight in his chair, eyes focused on Suzuki. If someone were to enter the room at that moment, Shikaku would appear to be the most attentive of anyone in attendance. Having known Shikaku for as long as he has, Minato knows with absolute certainty that Shikaku is actually just sleeping with his eyes open.

Tsume was the first to go, though he’s not clear on when exactly it was aside from ‘early’.

He takes comfort in knowing that she didn’t suffer. There’s a reason they give ANBU suicide capsules - not everyone can handle torture, and this was just another case of that. Tsume knew her limits and understood there was no point in suffering needlessly in a battle she had no hope of winning.

[robkelk]

"Apparently it was a CIA mind control plot, the Russians, the North Koreans, the South Koreans, no idea what that one's about, God, Satan, Aliens, the Illuminati, the Canadians of all people, the fault of something called HAARP, the Israelis, the Iranians, an international banking cartel, Microsoft, the Saudis, fluoride in the water, trans-fats, and the lack of enough good cannabis." He shrugged as the captain started laughing, drawing a deep breath after his recital.

"What, all of that at once?"

"Yep. It's obviously a very major conspiracy."

Desperately Seeking Ranma, Chapter 86

[robkelk]

Real Life, not fanfic, but we don't have a better place to put this...

"The writing process... You've seen The Shining?"

Jinkx, Q, November 27, 2023

[drakensis]

What was in the arena was not a man, but a proud, erect cock.

Beware of Chicken, vol 4, Chapter 63

[Norgarth]

From A Darker Path chapter 46 (Worm AU)

I nodded, accepting the shears back and letting them twirl casually around my finger. "Killing someone with irony is harder, but so goddamn satisfying when I can get all the ducks in a row."

"Your ducks march in step, wear combat boots, and carry sniper rifles, just saying."