Stupid dialog, free to a good home

[robkelk]

Xitter

Wasn't that the alien in This Island Earth?

[robkelk]

On the third day, He arose from the grave, moaning, "Souls... souls..."

[robkelk]

"I don't think we're in Kansai any more, ototo."

[Dartz]

"Out of all the worlds in the Federation - out of then ten worst genocides in Federation history - Seven of them happened on Earth. Out of the ten worst genocides which were confined to a single planet - 'all' of them happened on Earth. It is the most blood-soaked planet in the Federation. Human history can be summed up as 'for some vague reason, millions were murdered while the rest of the planet shrugged.'. Never forget that. The Klingons are a warrior race - the Humans are a mass murder race. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened, had they not met the Vulcans first - or had they not been crawling around over the radioactive ashes of a billion of their fellow humans when they did."

"They're not unique in the Galaxy - far from it. It's just that many species with the same tendancies, tend not to survive the discovery of Atomic weaponry. In fact, between Atomic weaponry and Atomic power - whichever a species exploits first - is the most reliable indicator of whether that species will become a spacefaring civilisation, or be remembered only as ruins discovered by a colony fleet. Those who come to Atomic power usually come to it as a consequence of an energy crisis, or accelerating climate shifts. Those who exploit atomic weaponry first either do so on the middle some form of conflict which then rapidly escalates out of control - or as part of an arms race that precipitates a destructive atomic conflict the species is otherwise ill-equipped to weather. Warlike species therefore, are far more likely to invent atomic weapons before atomic power - and thus suffer the consequences. Earth's discovery of atomic weaponry came at the end of a war and this - perversely - allowed the species the time to develop the tools to both delay, and then survive the inevitable holocaust."

"Tellingly, only one other species who came to atomic weaponry first, survived a nuclear holocaust. "

"The Vulcans."

"They turned to Logic as a consequence. Humans - under that shadow of that first atomic detonation - learned the delicate art of diplomacy on the brink of annihilation."

"I for one, am glad they're both on out side."

[classicdrogn]

"Top-down strategy" doesn't mean "driving a convertible so it's easier to use the machine gun!"

edit: "And no, 'drink until you forget the problem' is not a Bottom Up Strategy. either!"

[robkelk]

"Will Rogers never met me."

[robkelk]

"How did you solve the icing problem?"

"I baked more cupcakes and used the extra icing on them!"

[classicdrogn]

something something Minako something trip to Harajuku something something "and the fursuit of happiness!"

[robkelk]

"You know how often I say 'that would be a good name for a rock band'? Well, 'No, Just A The' isn't."

[classicdrogn]

"'Finger guns' does not mean 'use them up like bullets,' Izuku!"

[classicdrogn]

"Sealing [BBEG] only diffused the problem, not defused it - there were still plenty of minions and mid-ranked threats, and the fact they were at least as eager to fight each other without an overseer's iron fist was a small blessing indeed."

[robkelk]

"The structures at the nudist beach are being renovated. Please bare with us."

[classicdrogn]

"What a terrifyingly tough bear! You could even say-"

"Don't you dare, Minako!"

"-it's a grisly gristly grizzly!"

Rei palmed her face with a groan, while Usagi looked confused at the identical sounding English words. Ami couldn't help but twitch her lips into a grin, even while she scanned for a weak point to help Makoto, currently too busy keeping the possessed beast at bay to pay much attention.

[robkelk]

"I compiled this large language model from all the Rule 34 sites I could find."

"Ah, so it's for a degenerative AI."

[DHBirr]

Know Yourself.  ...  NOT in the "biblical" sense, you sicko pervs!

-----
I'm a very forgiving person ... on Lord Vader's terms.  "Apology accepted, Captain."

[Bob Schroeck]

"I compiled this large language model from all the Rule 34 sites I could find."

"Ah, so it's for a degenerative AI."

"I trained another entirely on Wolverine comics and fanfiction."

(I leave the punchline as an exercise for the reader.)

[DHBirr]

OK, this isn't dialogue, but no other thread seems to fit particularly better....

What I have here is the description for a spell designed IAW Dungeons and Dragons 2nd Edition. I envisioned it as created by a Bard. I'm curious as to whether anyone strongly disagrees with my belief that it would pass most reasonable DMs' sanity tests.

The 5th-Level Translated Text spell enables the caster to briefly (two rounds per level) write in a language in which he’s not normally literate (and needn’t necessarily be able to speak, either).  The material component is a highest-quality sheet of parchment or, better still, paper, never written on or otherwise marked before the spell’s caster copied thereon, with finely-made ink, a full sentence in the desired tongue, no less than nine words long.  He must make his component rather than buying one made by someone else, which would be wholly useless to him.  Use of paper rather than parchment improves the likelihood of spell success by +2.  In similar though opposite manner, using (presumably by mistake) a palimpsest increases by 10% the danger of the spell not just failing, but fumbling.

Prior to making the component, he has to cast Comprehend Languages (the Bard’s ability to work out the meaning of unfamiliar writings isn’t precise enough) to read the text in which the sentence to be duplicated occurs, so that he knows the gist and context of that sentence, not just what the letters look like.  Even so, its words needn’t have anything to do with his intended topic.  The writing style also isn’t required to match that which he seeks to produce:  the driest legal brief, or the order for an execution, so long as it isn’t muddled with numerous flaws of grammar and spelling, grants appropriate vocabulary to write for any purpose … even to pen an ardent, eloquent love letter.  Vice versa, as well; a quote from Omar Khayyam’s original Rubaiyat would let him inscribe, for example, a military operations order in Farsi.  Whatever he writes will carry no magical persuasiveness, but articulate use of language should favorably impress those readers who don’t take pride in being uncultured.

This component can have been prepared even years in advance, if the spell-user suspected he’d someday need that tongue.  He may well carry quite a few such, taking in a variety of languages, each sheet in a separate labeled envelope.  A used component will burst into flames, beginning five seconds after the casting’s completion (“This component will self-destruct…”), so it should be placed well away from things vulnerable to ignition.

While speaking the incantation’s first four words, “Sphinx of black quartz…” the caster brushes his pen’s non-writing end across the material component.  He then brushes it over the page on which he means to write the translated text as he utters the final three words, “…judge my vow!” 

If the letters, runes, etc. of the source document aren’t those familiar to the copyist (a user of Roman letters attempting to duplicate Sanskrit text, for example), the proficiency of Artistic Ability:  Sketching/Painting or of Calligraphy must be possessed to ensure the reproduction on the component is exact; if not, the hazard of a flaw serious enough to cause spell failure is 67%.  The likelihood of success otherwise matches the proficiency check for Forgery, i.e. Dexterity –1.  Failure, unless it’s a fumble, will simply make him realize he hasn’t gained the desired literacy, rather than scrawling a garble and thinking it’s satisfactory.  Fumbling will cause him to write something humiliatingly incoherent.  As mentioned above, the chances of a fumble increase if he inscribed the component on previously used parchment or paper.

I originally came up with this when I imagined the Bard intercepting the report of a spy hostile to a country the Bard favored. He could substitute something misleading, such as "the target is wholly unprepared to fight us, and it'd be safe to postpone attacking them for at least a year while striking at someone else" – whereas in reality, the nation being spied upon had realized the danger posed by the spy's aggressive land, and was swiftly working to improve its readiness. The spell could also frame a foreign dignitary by producing an incriminating document, especially if the Bard can forge the victim's handwriting. And, of course, it might serve less baleful purposes, such as initially courting a fair maiden from afar....

It amused me to use "Sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow!" as the verbal component for a spell granting literacy (even if only temporarily).

[classicdrogn]

It's been a dog's age since I read any 2e spell descriptions, but I think if anything you might have gone overboard with the caveats and restrictions. Fifth level seems high as well, unless Comprehend Languages is up there too in the older material. Amanuensis only allows for copying existing text but was 3rd level in 2e/3e, dropped to a cantrip in 3.5e, and needs no special prepared components aside from a text to be copied and the materials to copy it to and with. Keeping the material and skill requirements you outlined is easily enough to drop it down to 3rd as well, and even allowing it to be used with any sample of the desired language on hand and not consuming it seems like it should only bump it to 4th, especially as bards only go to Lv6 magic before 5e IIRC.

[DHBirr]

I thought in terms of comparing Translated Text not to Comprehend Languages, but to the 3rd-Level Tongues spell, except two levels more complex. My argument for greater complexity is that with Tongues, you're getting the language of the person with whom you're conversing, on an ongoing basis, perhaps linked to a variant of telepathy. With Translated Text, a single sentence of the target language gives you perfect literacy in that language, including the ability to write letters and sentences that didn't appear in the sentence used for the material component. It seemed to me that was like a quantum leap of capability.

At any rate, I hoped the caveats and restrictions would incline the DM to consider this not an excessively powerful spell.

Apropos of nothing: [Imitation of an ominous mechanical wheeze, followed by imitation of James Earl Jones]  "The Farce is strong in you, Fluke Skystumbler ... but you are not a silly English k'niggg'ht yet...."

[classicdrogn]

(after any scene with Bakugo Katsuki in it)
"Gonna take a lot of baby powder to clear up that rash action."

[classicdrogn]

Why are you eating Spaghetti-Os at this time of day?

It's not Spaghetti-Os, just normal breakfast cereal.

You put tomato sauce on your breakfast cereal? That's a normal I haven't heard of before...

No, look, they're Ninj-Os. They dye the milk red as blood, and have these little marshmallow swords and throwing stars, see? Woo-PAH!

(munch munch)

[classicdrogn]

... and this is my fucktonnic cannon.

You mean photonic?

I know what I said.

[classicdrogn]

"Aw, they think they're people" is a cute reaction when you're watching pet videos; if it comes out of your mouth while talking politics you'd better stop and think hard about whether you're part of the problem.

edit:
Spurred on by the old Workers Of The World union pretest song slightly modified, "Stand strong with the people of the world, for you are a people too!"

[nemonowan]

"Aw, they think they're people" is a cute reaction when you're watching pet videos; if it comes out of your mouth while talking politics you'd better stop and think hard about whether you're part of the problem.

Unless you are an alien from SMBC...

[robkelk]

"Normal people have five senses."

"Really? Which one are you missing? I'm normal, and I have six senses: sight, hearing, balance, touch, smell, and taste. I know a lot of people lump smell and taste together, but they've never smelled and tasted a durian."

"Balance isn't a sense."

"Of course it is! I use it all the time; that's how I can ride a bike, or walk and look at my cellphone at the same time."