Mad Science quirks

[CattyNebulart]

I keep having trouble thinking of whaky inventions and their appropriate quirks, so I though I might ask you guys if you know any of the top of your head.
Also I'll be gone until the 28 give or take a day, and maybe some distance from the writing will give me the nessecary inspiration.
If the Prof needs to be written into anything feel free, I'll ruberstamp it when I get back
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

[Sirrocco]

- An alarm that goes off in the presence of anyone speaking French, or speaking in a French accent. Quirk: also goes off when subjected to the smell of French Bread, French Fries, or French Toast. May well be installed on board and attached to a nonlethal restrain internal security system Even if the professor *does* let you go, though, he's liable not to turn the thing off. If you can't speak in anything *other* than a French accent, it is perhaps advisable to not speak at all.
- A full-featured personal care suite. For those occasions when he has to get cleaned, shaved, teeth brushed, hair combed, clothes pressed, etc, etc, etc. Lets him get it out of the way and get on to other, more important things. Does it all with remarkable (even startling) speed and efficiency. Quirk: The various manipulator arms shy away from him when given a choice. He's got to threaten the thing to make it work properly, and it plays excerpts from the Hallelujah Chorus whenever he leaves. It may or may not be a full AI, but it certainly does have at least dog-level intelligence. It gets along with other people *much* better on the whole (varying from person to person, obviously) - but they tend to be at least a little disturbed at the speed with which it wields its straight razors. Keeping Absolutely Still for the duration may be advised. It's not partcularly dangerous, though - it's very, very good at what it does, and if the patient moves *too* much, it can temporarily engage the headclamps, just to be sure. Also, it's been designed to give the professor's haircut. *Anyone* who activates the machine will be given the professor's haircut, to whatever degree their existing hair will allow.

[robkelk]

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- An alarm that goes off in the presence of anyone speaking French, or speaking in a French accent. Quirk: also goes off when subjected to the smell of French Bread, French Fries, or French Toast.

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And French's Mustard, should anyone be exporting that particular brand from the 'danes.

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May well be installed on board and attached to a nonlethal restrain internal security system Even if the professor *does* let you go, though, he's liable not to turn the thing off. If you can't speak in anything *other* than a French accent, it is perhaps advisable to not speak at all.

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Also, Catty had better not decide to French-kiss the Professor...
- The Machine That Goes "Ping". It's obviously a scanner of some sort, and it lets out a ping whenever it detects whatever-it-is that it scans for, but nobody knows what that whatever-it-is actually is. Not even the Machine's diagnostic routines.
- Pre-Buttered Toast. Saves approximately 0.39 minutes per day, which can be better put toward the advancement of Science!
- Non-Alcoholic Alcohol. It simply will not do to have a hangover - that would interrupt the advancement of Science!, and we simply can't have that... (Trekkies will call it "synthehol" and buy it by the barrel, giving the Professor a regular, if small, income.)

-Rob Kelk
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Sirrocco]

It Slices! It Dices! It makes Julian Friez!
The professor heard of these things and swore that if Hardtech could do it, then dammit, so could wavetech. Unfortunately, no matter how hard he looked for Julianne Fries, he couldn't find the damned girl, so he settled for the next best thing.
This (rather large) machine has three buttons, three functions, an input hopper, and a retreival door. The retreival door is approximately refrigerator-sized, and opens into a holding compartment that is likewise about that of a refrigerator, but without the shelves. The guts of the machine look to take up about that much space again, once you've accounted for the relatively thick walls. Successfuly pushing any button down will pop the other buttons back up, and pushing it down again will pop *it* back up, turning the machine off. If "slice" is pushed down, anything put into the hopper will show up in the retreival area, sliced, with accompanying whirring noises. "Dice" acts in a similar fasion, but dices instead. ushing down the "Make Julian Friez" button causes a display to light up, indicating what sorts of things the hopper requires. It first requests a sample of handwavium, and the remaining requirements seem strongly dependant on the variety of handwavium provided. All requirements are organic, and none are *all* that rare, but the machine will accept no substitutes. From the moment the button is pushed, the machine locks down. If you want to use it for anything else, or even open the retreival door, you're going to have to give it what it wants. Once you *do* fulfil its requirements (which generally weigh out to about 200 pounds or so of biomass all told) the machine displays "Thank you, please hold" on the front screen, and starts making various strange whirring, churning, and other noises. This goes on for a while - anywhere from an hour or two to a little over a day - before the door opens up and produces a fresh clone of Julian Friez. Well, mostly a clone. It *is* handwavium after all, and Julian invariably comes out with a new and more interesting biomod, and a few interesting adjustements to his psyche. Still, it's pretty darn close. Close enough for the professor, anyway.
Sadly, Julian is about as dyed-in-the-wool 'Dane as they come. At the time he steps out of the machine, his last memories are of being grabbed from the back of his tour group and thoroughly experimented on, followed by shadowy memories of strange sensations, often including extreme pain, and then being decanted, naked and with a biomod, into the middle fo a Fen ship. He's a good plumber, a decent general handiman, and a talented amateur auto mechanic, but has no other particularly useful skills. The *real* Julian Friez (who was paid pretty well for his trauma before being returned to his tour group) has since changed jobs, states, and names, and uses an unlisted number, just to be sure.

[Rieverre]

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The *real* Julian Friez (who was paid pretty well for his trauma before being returned to his tour group) has since changed jobs, states, and names, and uses an unlisted number, just to be sure.

---

He does this once every few months, upon the inevitable discovery that, yes, the Professor sent a Christmas Card his way. Again. Possibly out of season as well.
-Griever
When tact is required, use brute force. When force is required, use greater force.
When the greatest force is required, use your head. Surprise is everything. - The Book of Cataclysm

[Sirrocco]

Well, the *original* reason was that his clones kept trying to call all of the phone numbers they could remember to try to figure out what was going on and/or get their old life back - but the occasional Christmas card from the Professor would certainly be enough to set off another round. By now I imagine he's gotten reasonably good at it. At some point someone might want to try picking him up as a secret agent. He's desperate enough, he's broken enough, and he can build himself a solid cover identity as a plumber/handyman anywhere in the country with two week's notice.
When he finally *does* find out about the 'wave-built tracking device surgically implanted along his right femur, he's going to be *pissed*.

[The Hunterminator]

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When he finally *does* find out about the 'wave-built tracking device surgically implanted along his right femur, he's going to be *pissed*.

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And it works by way of the 'marco-polo' principle... that is, it literally transmits polo whenever it receives the word marco.

[Sirrocco]

Generic quirk for a device: projects a low-level electrical field at all times. Aside from the occasional minor static shocks and the potential (quite controllable) problems with frying delicate equipment, anyone who's in the area slowly acumulates charge - leading, over time, to full-blown mad scientist/Einstein hair to the extent that their existing hair will allow.
might also work well as the quirk for hangover-free alcohol
another generic quirk. The variations on "must have music/sound type X playing" are pretty common, what with one thing or another, but here's one with a twist. It's a paired system of some sort - two functions built nto the same chassis that are designed to work together. Unfortunately, they've developed AI - or, specifically, two *different* AIs. The tow AIs really don't like each other much, and have violent disagreements about music preference. Of course, neither AI is willing to function without its *own* music playing - and putting said music on invariably offends the other. Getting them to work together is essentially impossible without something that's a threat to their combined existence, and even getting them to work in series requires some *serious* diplomacy skills, as each will take offense at any attempts to make friends with the other. The professor has an easier time of it, as they're absolutely terrified of him, but the device is such (a washer-dryer, or something similar) that he is loathe to spend his precious time dealing with it. He also doesn't *really* believe that it's all that much trouble. *He* never has any problems with it.
Right along with on the theme of "well, *I* never had a problem with it." - a consumable with some significant side effect that wears off slowly with time. The only way to make it stop *other* than time is drinking massive quantities of caffeine. (Not professor levels. Just Heavy coffee drinker levels.) "Doesn't seem to have any quirks at all."

[robkelk]

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might also work well as the quirk for hangover-free alcohol

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I thought "regularly consuming something with 'wavium in it" was quirk enough. (And won't the Trekkies be upset when they realize (a) what's happening and (b) they did it to themselves...)
-Rob Kelk
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Sirrocco]

Nah. Fully half of them have gone biomod already, most trying for "Klingon" (most actually *getting* "Generic alien bizarreness". It's amazing the number of Strangely Colored Alien Women there are who have skill in the bat'leth these days. The one guy who lucked into "Kirk" has a bed that *never* goes cold. Of course, he has a tendency to put excessive pauses in his speech, but you take the bad with the good) Once you've gotten a biomod, further mods have no effect. Mind you, you're not likely to *notice* something as minor as "hair standing slightly on end" while you're collapsing into metamorphic unconsciousness, but....

[robkelk]

Foaming Bathroom Cleanser: Nanomachines that scour away any biological detritus they encounter, as well as destroying any bacteria, virii, or prions that they contact. However, the name is a bit too literal - if you didn't have a foaming bathroom before you used it, you will afterwards...

-Rob Kelk
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Sirrocco]

"Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space."
That is all.

[Feinan]

Hmmm. Has anyone attempted to create the traditional Buttered Toast grav-drive yet? The strongest version involves strapping a piece of buttered toast, butter side up, onto a cat's back, and then dropping it. The cat/toast pairing will levitate in place. Problems involve controlling the drive, care and feeding of components, and so on. As for quirks....this one is probably quirky enough BEFORE the handwavium is added. So....think anyone has decided to try this?

[CattyNebulart]

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Hmmm. Has anyone attempted to create the traditional Buttered Toast grav-drive yet? The strongest version involves strapping a piece of buttered toast, butter side up, onto a cat's back, and then dropping it. The cat/toast pairing will levitate in place. Problems involve controlling the drive, care and feeding of components, and so on. As for quirks....this one is probably quirky enough BEFORE the handwavium is added. So....think anyone has decided to try this?

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of course, the Proffessor gave the prototype to the now renowned racer *Name*. I love the idea.
I love all the ideas presetned in this thread. Thank you all, and keep the ideas flowing.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

[Sirrocco]

Mind you, that would be one *seriously* handwaved cat. Also, feeding the cat is relatively trivial. It's feeding the *toast* that gives people nightmares.
{The man was shuddering, on his knees, sobbing in desperation. "I have to feed the toast. No. You don't understand. I *have* to *feed* the *toast*. Why won't anybody *listen* to me?"}
No one really understands how the drive works. They don't understand how the cat and toast keep spinning in midair, they don't understand why the cat is so relaxed about the whole experience. They *really* don't understand how this has *anything* to do with moving a ship from point A to point B. It sure does go fast, though.
also...
Wireless mice.
Yet another one from the "Anything you can do, i can do better!" files. They're a bunch of mice that he's hooked up to wi-fi. They're small, furry, cute, and have been teaching themselves Perl. No one's *entirely* sure how smart they are, but those in the know have a pool on how long it'll be before they make their first significant contribution to the Linux kernel. When not online, they can generally be found breaking into food storage, nibbling on the furniture, and leaving little mouse pellets in the silverware drawer.
and...
Genetic extractor. The ultimate in reproductive technology. Given two living beings, it will extract a bit of material from the one, extract a bit of material from the other, and do its damndest to mix the two together and make a baby. Well, realistically, to mix the two together *with a lot of handwavium* and make a baby. It does require the traditional nine months to gestate. The professor guarantees that the result will be sentient if both parents were sentient, will be based on whatever scraps of genetic code they may have left, and will be capable of functioning more or less independantly once it reaches maturity. No other guarantees made. Obviously, the baby is coming out with a biomod - probably a fairly extreme one. Likewise, if either of the parents aren't modded when they start, they will be when they finish. Also, in exchange for the favor, the good professor is likely to ask you to help him out on a few projects, and he's likely to take an interest in the kid as it grows up. On the other hand, well, it's a way to have a kid. For some folks, who've taken a bit too much of the wrong guacamole, it's the *only* way to have a kid, and really, from the Professor's perspective, that's the point. Anyone who has such a biomod is *obviously* pro-handwavium. He *likes* it when people like that breed.
and to borrow one from Narbonic... The gerbil inseminator. It looks like a ray-gun of some sort. This is useful from an intimidation standpoint. If the truth ever comes out, though...
"That's not a laser pistol! That's a just a gerbil inseminator!"
"I admit it. You're right. Still, it's probably worth considering... Do *you* want to be pregnant with gerbils?"

[Ebony]

Two words: Hamster Accelerator.Ebony the Black Dragon
Senior Editor, Living Room Games
http://www.lrgames.com
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com

"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."

[Florin]

The Dramatizer: Brings in all those nifty mad science cliches, like a bolt of lightining flashing in the background when some one shouts "Yes... it could work! IT COULD WORK!' or causing to the glasses to gleam no matter what the lighting during manaical laughter.--
Comb your hair, damn anime hippies.
--
If you become a monster to put down a monster you've still got a monster running around at the end of the day and have as such not really solved the whole monster problem at all. 

[robkelk]

(Wireless mice)

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They're small, furry, cute, and have been teaching themselves Perl.

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This reminds me of another essential for the breakfast table: Perl jam. Gives its eater a boost in his or her programming skills; side effects include angst and a tendency to mumble.

-Rob Kelk
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Freddy Isnot]

A device that, regardless of what is fed into it, produces a slice of perfectly toasted bread.
If there ever was an archetype for toast, this is it.
Freddy Isnot
"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."
~Robin Williams
-Freddy Isnot

"You are now graduated from newbie and are just clueless. Consider that a compliment."
-Zipcode

[Freddy Isnot]

Space diapers.
I was writing up a character and as part of his story he accidentally infects his underwear with handwavium. He discovers (after neglecting to bring an empty bottle on his first flight into space) that this created a pair of underwear that completely absorbs all urine and fecal matter.
The quirk, it grants the wearer limited flight capability powered by the urine and fecal matter.
Cons: Does not work in gravity. And if you try to fly too fast, it can give you a major wedgie.
A little disgusting, but I think it is an invention that fens flying around in ships too small for bathrooms would need.

Freddy Isnot
Agent 99: Sometime I wish you were just an ordinary businessman.
Maxwell Smart: Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a businessman.
~Get Smart
-Freddy Isnot

"You are now graduated from newbie and are just clueless. Consider that a compliment."
-Zipcode

[Sirrocco]

Thing one: handwavium life support systems are Really Quite Space Efficient. (It's true that they can be awkward and uncomfortable at the Small Compact Car level, but they're still fully functional.)
Thing two: Ew. Just...ew. Honestly, I'd really prefer that this be the sort of thing pretty much dealt with offstage.

[Bob Schroeck]

Agreed. Bathrooms are simply Not Seen in classic Space Opera, which is kinda what's getting emulated here, in some ways.
-- Bob
---------
...The President is on the line
As ninety-nine crab rangoons go by...

[Sirrocco]

Another one from the "the Professor heard about it, and thought it sounded cool" files.
The Overfan.
Obviously, you wouldn't be pulling this thing out immediately. The term has to come into use, and then the professor has to hear about it, and then he has to actually *do* something about it. When he does, though...
Well, it's a semisentient fan. It looks like a little metal thing with appropriately curved blades coming out the top. You designate a person and tell it to go, at which point it flies over to them, positioning itself over them by helicoptering, until you tell it to stop. It provides a cooling breeze, and will follow you around the lab without you having to tell it to - or even having to think about it much.
There *was* one problem - specifically, that it only worked in labs that already had gravity in them, and that the strength of the airflow was directlly dependant on how much gravity there *was*, and the poor thing kept getting tired anywhere that had heavy G - so he went back to the same boards for inspiration... where people were talking about some sort of movie. Well, the movie really didn't sound like it had *anything* to do with SCIENCE! so it probably wan't worth his while, but they did mention tentacles a time or two - Perfect! He outfitted his little overfan with a few. Now, when the local gravity is either too strong or too weak, the little guy can just find a nearby protrusion, latch on with its tentacles (so versatile) and have a stable base from which to provide its cooling breezes. It hurts reaction time a bit for following you around the room, but that's minor.
So now he has a little flying fan that will follow him around the room, its versatile little tentacles glistening wetly and writhing when not latched on to anything - and people are acting so *strangely* about it. There are some that get that disturbed look on their face, and back away slowly - but that's pretty normal, really. Then there are the others - the ones who want him to reprogram the thing. Why would he want to do that? It does its job perfectly well already!

[Feinan]

*cackles!* I LOVE it. If he can make a second, the Jason will happily trade for one.
As anyone who knows me could tell you - I CONSTANTLY have a fan going, whereever I am....

[Feinan]

Thought I'd add a possible quirk that might be seen in biomods, in case anyone wanted to use it. At this point, it just might have started to be noticed in short-lived, fast-growing species that were biomodded.
Lamarckian Inheritance - the inheritance of acquired traits. Although not quite properly Lamarckism, one way to look at it would be a mouse that got its tail snipped short in an accident. Its offspring would have similarly shortened tails. This could be quite amusing when the 'dane geneticists get word of it/discover it's happening.

For those interested: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamarckism
Maybe this is what's happening to the algae on Venus?