[STORY] Mr. Fnord Goes to Washington

[M Fnord]

HEARING
before the
JOINT COMMITTEE ON
EXTRATERRESTRIAL SECURITY
ONE HUNDRED THIRTEENTH CONGRESS
Second Session

NASA'S HANDWAVIUM CRISIS

TUESDAY, MARCH 18TH, 2014
Joint Committee on Extraterrestrial Security

Washington, D.C.

The Committee met, pursuant to call, at 8:03 a.m., in the Caucus Room of the Russell Senate Office Building, Hon. Alan Kellerman [chairman of the Committee] presiding.

Chair Kellerman: This hearing will come to order. Good morning. Let me thank everyone for coming. I know it's early, but we have a lot to get through today.

This is an oversight hearing to review the situation that has arisen with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) and their access to the substance known as handwavium. NASA has been at the vanguard of American scientific and technological research for fifty-five years, but they were excluded from handwavium research by the Protecting America's Technological Security Act of 2008. Late last year, NASA revealed that they had in fact refit their three space shuttle orbiters using handwavium in clear violation of the law.

The purpose of this hearing, as I stated is to determine when, how and why NASA engineers got their hands on handwavium. I wish to thank General Fnord for taking the time out of his schedule to meet with us this week in the hopes that we can get to the bottom of this matter. Since we have lots to do but not much time to do it in, I'd like to ask that the other members of the Committee not make any statement until we've first heard from General Fnord.

General Fnord, please go ahead.

STATEMENT OF S. MALACLYPSE FNORD, COMMANDER, SOVIET AIR FORCE-IN-EXILE

General Fnord: Chairman Kellerman, ladies and gentlemen of the Committee. Thank you for the opportunity to appear before you today and clear the air, so to speak. I am not here to ramble on endlessly from a prepared statement but to answer your questions. As such my statement will be brief.

A wise man of my casual acquaintance once said that the truth is a terrible and beautiful thing, and should therefore be approached with great caution. It's something that I've taken to heart in my life – many of the things that the Soviet Air Force deals with in their daily work are both beautiful and terrible, and only a fool approaches, say, the surface of Mercury incautiously.

The Committee's interest in the NASA affair is part of a longer struggle, one that I and my fellow Fen have been watching with interest for many years now. Some of us have been inclined to meddle. Not for any mean gain, mind you, but for what we consider the greater good of the United States and the human race in general.

We're approaching the truth now, and now we need to be extra careful. Some of what I say will be not what you want to hear, and some of it will be exactly what you want to hear. I can promise that most of you won't like it very much.

So let's get this inquisition started.

---

OOC: I was going to do a more traditional intro for this, but this has been idle for too long, so screw it. If I come up with something worthwhile I'll edit it in when this goes to the wiki.

Okay, so here's how this bit's going to work. Trying to hammer out an entire Congressional testimony session by myself has been giving me fits, so I'm going to open it up for RP. Pick a politician or two and have them ask questions, and Mal will answer them to be best of his ability.

Here's the committee membership:

Senate Members
-----------------------
Majority Party (R):

Alan Kellerman (KS) (Chairman) (Original Character)
John Cornyn (TX)
John McCain (AZ)
Lisa Murkowski (AK)
Jim Risch (ID)
John Ensign (NV)

Minority Party (D):

Bernie Sanders (VT)
John Kerry (MA)
Mark Udall (CO)
Russ Feingold (WI)

House Members
-----------------------
Majority Party (R):

Bill Cassidy (LA)
Mike Coffman (CO)
Jim Sesnsenbrenner (WI)
Michele Bachmann (MN)
Chris Ferguson (FL) (Original Character)
Keith Bornstein (CA) (Original Character)

Minority Party (D):

Henry Waxman (CA)
Dennis Kucinich (OH)
Laura Farrar (NV) (Original Character)
Joseph Mcintire (NY) (Original Character)

As RP style goes, basically Kellerman is as described back in the OP, he's strongly anti-Fen. Most of the rest of the committee are neutral to mildly hostile. Bachmann is the black-helicopter comedy option; any paranoid gibberish you want spouted will probably sound best coming from her.

Take your pick and let's grill us a space commie! --Mal
Mr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery

FenWiki - Your One-Stop Shop for Fenspace Information

"I. Drink. Your. NERDRAGE!"

[robkelk]

Bachmann is the black-helicopter comedy option; any paranoid gibberish you want spouted will probably sound best coming from her.

"I'm curious about this 'Yuri's Night' festival you mentioned, Mr. Ford. Perhaps you can tell us exactly why NASA chose to celebrate a Russian holiday instead of something American?"

"I'm sorry; Mr. F’nord. The question still stands."

Take your pick and let's grill us a space commie!

Mmmmm... grilled space commie...
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[M Fnord]

(Of course, we haven't got to Yuri's Night yet, but what the hell...)

General Fnord: I don't know, Congresswoman. Why do Americans celebrate the birth of an Israeli every December? Yuri's Night commemorates the first manned spaceflight, and since the guy was Russian, well. The nationality of the person is unimportant; it's what he did that matters.

ETR 7-1 for snappier delivery. Also, nobody else wants to play?
Mr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery

FenWiki - Your One-Stop Shop for Fenspace Information

"I. Drink. Your. NERDRAGE!"

[robkelk]

(Of course, we haven't got to Yuri's Night yet, but what the hell...)

I assume you're going to reorder the Q&As to make a more interesting story...

Also, nobody else wants to play?

Give us time... (It's been less than a week, after all.)
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Black Aeronaut]

Sorry, Mal. You know how it is sometimes. BTW, we're in Vladivostok - nothing gives you a better appreciation for all things Russian than being there.
Anyone want some Vodka?

[robkelk]

BTW, we're in Vladivostok - nothing gives you a better appreciation for all things Russian than being there. Anyone want some Vodka?

Real vodka, not that near-tasteless stuff they make and sell in North America? If I thought we could get it through the Ontario government's monopoly on importing alcohol, I'd say "yes".

Back to the commie-grilling (not to be confused with kami-grilling)...

Chris Ferguson (R-FL): Mr. Fnord, it's my understanding that the handwavium in question was delivered to NASA during a "Yuri's Night" celebration held at the John F. Kennedy Space Center. Considering what I've heard about lax safety procedures in space, especially around the person known as "The Professor", I need to know: Did the people who made this delivery have any concern whatsoever for the health and well-being of the people of central Florida, or did they risk inducing mutations in thousands of people by using slipshod containment procedures?
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[M Fnord]

General Fnord: The hand-off was done with as much care as any other hazardous materials transfer. I dare say that the transfer was more conscientious than the majority of work done with toxic chemicals in central Florida, and that even in the one in a million chance the handwavium had spilled the only effect would have been to clean up the crap left behind by local industry and whatever drugs Disney puts in the water.

Rep. Ferguson: Are you suggesting that central Florida is heavily polluted?

General Fnord: Your words, not mine, Congressman. However, if you're interested in handwavium-based environmental remediation, I know a guy.

Rep. Ferguson: I see. As for the Professor?

General Fnord: The Professor was not involved with the handwavium transfer in any way, and furthermore he was on the far edge of the solar system at the time. While I understand and even occasionally approve of blaming the Professor for all sorts of things, this wasn't one of his. Let it go.
Mr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery

FenWiki - Your One-Stop Shop for Fenspace Information

"I. Drink. Your. NERDRAGE!"

[Star Ranger4]

OOC: Personally, I think we shoulda began at the begun... or is Chairman Keller Fnords?

if not:

Chairman Kellerman: Would you please state your full name for the record, sir.

Chairman Kellerman: It is alleged by previous testimony before this panel that you played a major part in the cirumvention of United states laws and govenrmental proceudures in and of you or persons under your command are the parties responsible for NASA aquiring a not insequential amount of the regulated material commonly known as Handwavium.

Chairman Kellerman: And you were aware at the time that all use of said substance is controlled by the Protecting America's Technological Security Act of 2008

Chairman Kellerman: And provided them with the Handwavium anyway?
Hear that thunder rolling till it seems to split the sky?
That's every ship in Grayson's Navy taking up the cry-
NO QUARTER!!!
-- "No Quarter", by Echo's Children

[M Fnord]

OOC: Personally, I think we shoulda began at the begun... or is Chairman Keller Fnords?

He's not directly mine, feel free to take him for a drive as long as you keep the strawman bullshit over with Bachmann where it belongs. In the meantime, replies:

---

Chairman Kellerman: Would you please state your full name for the record, sir.

Gen. Fnord: General Samuel Malaclypse Fnord, commander-in-chief and chairman of the Central Committee of the Soviet Air Force-In-Exile.

Chairman Kellerman: It is alleged by previous testimony before this panel that you played a major part in the cirumvention of United states laws and govenrmental proceudures in and of you or persons under your command are the parties responsible for NASA aquiring a not inconsequential amount of the regulated material commonly known as Handwavium.

Gen. Fnord: Really? That's fascinating.

Chairman Kellerman: So you deny the allegation?

Gen. Fnord: Oh, I didn't say that.

(disturbance in the gallery)

Chairman Kellerman: Is that a confirmation?

Gen. Fnord: Perhaps.

Chairman Kellerman: General, may I remind you that you are here to answer questions?

Gen. Fnord: You're right, and while part of me is tempted to see how long I can drag this out we might as well get to it. Yes, the Soviet Air Force was responsible for delivering handwavium to NASA.

(disturbance in the gallery)

Chairman Kellerman: And you were aware at the time that all use of said substance is controlled by the Protecting America's Technological Security Act of 2008?

Gen. Fnord: Of course. Hard to forget the law responsible for chasing you out of your home.

Chairman Kellerman: And provided them with the Handwavium anyway?

Gen. Fnord: It was, as an acquaintance would say, a question of choosing what is right over what is easy. We chose what was right.
Mr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery

FenWiki - Your One-Stop Shop for Fenspace Information

"I. Drink. Your. NERDRAGE!"

[Star Ranger4]

Chairman Kellerman: By that I assume you also mean that not providing them with the Handwavium would have been the 'Easy'. Very well, general... In your own words, would you explain to the committe WHY you felt this was the right choice, as compared to the easy one?
Hear that thunder rolling till it seems to split the sky?
That's every ship in Grayson's Navy taking up the cry-
NO QUARTER!!!
-- "No Quarter", by Echo's Children

[Foxboy]

THAT particular question might have come from Bernie Sanders, because it actually comes across as too... well, POSITIVE for Kellerman in re the stated purpose
of the character.

Sanders is an independent who "blocs" as a Democrat and is, well.... let's just say that he's probably the most Fen-friendly person in
Congress other than Fnord's sister.

He's probably argued against the draconian anti-handwavium measures because he thinks that the wave can help Vermont's family farms compete with the
industrial farms in say Kansas, etc.
''We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat
them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.''

-- James Nicoll

[M Fnord]

Bernie also self-identifies as a socialist, so... respect, mon. Respect.

Anyway, soliloquy time! This here is the meat of the argument.

---

Gen. Fnord: There are a number of reasons that factored into the decision, and I'm sure we'll end up discussing those in greater detail as the day goes on, but the decision was primarily made in accordance with Soviet long-term foreign and domestic policy.

The United States, like it or not, has a role to play in the greater development of the Solar System. A disproportionate number of fen are American in origin. Many if not most of the major power players in Fenspace today are like myself, former Americans who've renounced their citizenship or had it renounced for them de facto by the Technological Security Act. The United States is the third-largest trade partner with Fenspace, coming in just behind Australia and Japan. Greenwood Unlimited, the 800 pound gorilla in the asteroid belt, is an American-owned and American-held company. And on, and on.

Of the connections between Fenspace and the United States, the strongest is the civil space program run by NASA. Every single person in Fenspace grew up with NASA, we all have some positive feelings towards it. Moon shots, the space shuttle, ISS, all these things were part of the inspiration that founded Fenspace. We are all, down deep, fans of NASA.

When the Congress passed the Technological Security Act and handed all future space operations over to the Transrationality Science Assessment Bureau, many fen were concerned. In a moment of what we considered blind panic your government had crippled the civil space program we admired and transferred all operations over to a military organization. Handwavium ending up in the hands of a superpower was inevitable; that the United States immediately turned their research towards the military without any provision for civilian research or application suggested all sorts of things that made us worried. I'd like to think that the Committee is perceptive enough to understand why.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight our concerns were less immediate than we thought in 2009. The U.S. Air Force's grasping and ham-handed control of TSAB kept the organization neutralized through the recent conflict. However the central concern - the Technological Security Act and continued military-only control of Handwavium - remained and remains present.

The easy choice would have been to allow the status quo to continue. TSAB would eventually slide into irrelevance in the greater Solar System, though the damage done would ensure that the United States would be out of any new space race more or less permanently. To let a major part of the terrestrial political and economic engine shoot themselves in the head that way would be bad for Fenspace and Earth.

So the Central Committee, after much deliberation, set out to break the spine of the Technological Security Act, remove TSAB's stranglehold on Handwavium access and restore the American civil space program to its rightful place in the fen hierarchy. We did it with full knowledge and (pause) I wouldn't say 'malice' but with a certain amount of amused detachment aforethought. We knew that eventually somebody from our faction would be discussing the matter with your government, and we knew full well that there would be a potential international incident in the making.

We knew all this and we did it anyway because it was the right thing to do, for us and for you. You'll thank us for it later. (pause) Much later, probably. Does that answer your question, Senator?
Mr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery

FenWiki - Your One-Stop Shop for Fenspace Information

"I. Drink. Your. NERDRAGE!"

[Star Ranger4]

Chairman Kellerman: Indeed it does, General. One last question before I yeild the floor to my committe members. Did you go to NASA, or did they come to you?
Hear that thunder rolling till it seems to split the sky?
That's every ship in Grayson's Navy taking up the cry-
NO QUARTER!!!
-- "No Quarter", by Echo's Children

[M Fnord]

Gen Fnord: Like all good Christmas gifts, this one came as a surprise.
Mr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery

FenWiki - Your One-Stop Shop for Fenspace Information

"I. Drink. Your. NERDRAGE!"

[Black Aeronaut]

OOC: I'm wondering if Ben should slip someone in, if only just to monitor the situation as it unfolds. Sure, there's C-SPAN, but being there is so much better.

The most likely candidate would be a trio of Jesses. Reason being that Jess is a master Cosplayer, thus making her a master of disguise by default. One Jess would be going as a modern Scarlet O'Haire-type, flaming red hair and baby blue eyes, bit of padding to the bust, and a notable southern twang. The second would be a tough New Yorker-type, with makeup to make her look like she has some African-American heritage, and a sharp New Yorker's accent and lexicon. The third would be a laconic So-Cal-girl, talks the talk but a sharp mind lurks within, rearing its head to catch you off guard.

Interesting thing is that the Co-Cal Girl is actually her original look and persona, before getting waved. Her exit from the US was quiet with a bit of help from her family. She has some personal interests in seeing her family, but she can also have some strings pulled if it will be helpful.

As for what connections her family may have, I'll have to give it a bit of thought. Perhaps something to do with heavy industries?