Dead Bang chapter 3 up

[Dragonflight]

www.cyberus.ca/~dragonflight/dead_bang/
I'm unsure if this is going to be the final polish on this chapter, but it's mostly finished. After a *very* long period which mostly involved me working insane evening shifts at work, I've finally found myself writing again. Half of this chapter pretty much wrote itself with me along for the ride.
The combat, which I have been planning for a while, is finally shaping up, and it looks like the next chapter will focus heavily on that. This chapter sets the stage, and introduces a long-absent combatant.
Dragonflight
(edit: I also can't recall how to make the text wrap cleanly like I did in chapter two. Anyone who can tell me again how to do that, I'd be grateful, and would repost it. For the moment, I suggest you copy it all and paste it to notepad with a word-wrap in place.
Oh, and I noticed most of the fanfiction was being hosted on Bob's site. Feel free to host these chapters there as well. I just have them on my site so I have a distribution source. )
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Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

[CattyNebulart]

Allow me to be the first to say: Yay!
*scampers of to read*
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

[CattyNebulart]

ok, I take that yay back for ending on such an evil evil cliffhanger. You big meanie.
Hopefully it won't take long for the next chapter yes? *idly pats a combat boomer, in a vaguely threatening way.*
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

[Bob Schroeck]

Well, yee-ha!

-- Bob
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The Internet Is For Norns.

[robkelk]

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I'm unsure if this is going to be the final polish on this chapter, but it's mostly finished.

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I should go on break from the game more often...

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I also can't recall how to make the text wrap cleanly like I did in chapter two. Anyone who can tell me again how to do that, I'd be grateful, and would repost it.

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Check your e-mail inbox.
-Rob Kelk
"Read Or Die: not so much a title as a way of life." - Justin Palmer, 6 June 2007
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Dragonflight]

Ok. Rob sent me the reformatted story, and I've reposted it.
Oh, and yes, setting the combat for chapter 4 *is* a little cruel, but that's just the way the story seemed to write itself out.
Minor grammar tweaks and spelling error fixes in the next couple of days as I review the work for the umpteenth time.
Dragonflight
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Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

[Bob Schroeck]

Ian, after reading I am going "oh wow". I've been going "oh wow" since lunchtime, in fact.
Good stuff overall, can't wait for more. Really can't wait for more. Write it now!
That said, I have a couple small suggestions/corrections, and I do mean small. Detail-level. Would you like them public or private?

-- Bob
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The Internet Is For Norns.

[aeroprime]

I'd like to say that I agree that you are a cruel, cruel individual with that cliff-hanger. Almost eeeeeeevvvvviiiiiillllll I'd say. That ending was the perfect cliff-hanger. In other words it made me go "AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!!" and get the urge to hunt you down and make you listen to the Barney theme song till you come up with the next chapter. So keep up the great work or a big purple dinosaur is going to come by and say "Howdy".
-aeroprime
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"If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research now would it." - Albert Einstein

[Dragonflight]

I suspect I know what one of them is, but I couldn't figure out the physics of the knuckle and ankle bombers being electrical devices producing a powerful contact explosive effect. Sure, if you could do it, they would be renewable, but I don't understand how you could do it. So I went with shaped charges instead.
If someone could explain how that would work, I could buy it.
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Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

[Bob Schroeck]

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If someone could explain how that would work, I could buy it.

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They're plasma generators; the electricity doesn't do the job directly, it's used to generate a high-temperature plasma, which then acts like a shaped charge.
One of the other points I wanted to bring up was the new softsuits -- you have them made of polykev. Now, polykev is a complicated thing -- it's a technomagic material, starting off with a relative of kevlar which is then heavily enchanted. Has Sylia got Lisa to a point where she can do that enchantment? If not, perhaps the softsuits can be derived from a scrap of Lisa's sailor fuku -- which as is mentioned in DW2, is so resilient and armorlike Doug had to disintegrate it off of her the first time she called it up. And while it was created via magic, it is not in itself magical in nature -- it could certainly be synthesized with mundane methods. And as I recall, Sylia does have a sample to work from...
There were a couple of other things, but for the life of me I can't remember what they were, dammit. I'll try to remember them this afternoon and post them when I get hoem.

-- Bob
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The Internet Is For Norns.

[Dragonflight]

Okay, didn't know about the shaped charges. I'll modify it.
As for the polykev, I *did* know about the magic limitation. It's something Sylia's aware of, but it's part of the backstory at the moment that she's using the purely technological side of it to make some of the inner armored lining for the suits.
It's not as good as what Doug has, and it won't be that good until Lisa learns enough that she can either enchant it, or (more likely) either build a device that can manage the enchantment for Sylia (as she builds more), or teaches Sylia to manage sufficient enchantment to do it herself (not likely. I don't see innate magic as something Sylia has.)
That said, there was a hint in that story that there may be *another* person in their little family who has more talent than they realize. And what that may mean if that talent is developed could be very interesting...
As for the polykev, it's at the very least, no worse than any other armored lining she would have used for the inner suit. But it's not as good as Doug's yet.
As for the fuku, Sylia's probably got it stored in a corner, and is stubbornly refusing to work with it right now. The fact that it was created through a means that defeats her understanding of a rational universe means she can't bring herself to treat it as genuine research material. I suspect she'll change her mind after seeing Lisa in action again.
What I can see happening in the future is Lisa building an enchantment device, and Sylia using the magically modified near-indestructible fabric to make her own version of polykev. Quite possibly more damage-resistant to what Doug is running around with.
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Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

[WengFook]

arrgh you'll have to add my name to the list of people who are quite eager for more after the cliffhanger...
That aside congratulations for spinning a really fascinating tale
about the polykev issue.. do we know what the magical enchantment does for the polykev? I have this niggling feeling that it was all explained by Bob somewhere on the forums most likely or perhaps it was in the concordance? but darned if I can remember any of it
_______________________________
We're definitely playing this game wrong. I thought Vampire was supposed to be a game of personal horror, not about ninja magic-carpet airstrikes at night.
- A friend after playing a session of Dark Ages Vampire.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. THERE IS ONLY WAR!
-Same friend.
_________________________________
Take Your Candle, Go Light Your World.

[Sweno]

Squee! My love for the fact that there is a new chapter out is only exceeded by my now renewed desire for "Moar!".
Wonderful job building up to a cliffhanger.
As for the polykev issue:
I don't think it was explicitly mentioned what was magical and what was tech based about it, if distinction between the two can be made on such a synergistic product.-Terry
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"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." - Antoine de Saint Exupery
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
Mary Sue's theme music
-Terry
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"so listen up boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing to happen to you today"
TF2: Spy

[Bob Schroeck]

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What I can see happening in the future is Lisa building an enchantment device, and Sylia using the magically modified near-indestructible fabric to make her own version of polykev. Quite possibly more damage-resistant to what Doug is running around with.

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Well, cool, then. Works for me!

-- Bob
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The Internet Is For Norns.

[Bob Schroeck]

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I don't think it was explicitly mentioned what was magical and what was tech based about it, if distinction between the two can be made on such a synergistic product.

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In chapter 9 of Drunkard's Walk II, Doug said this about it:

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I shrugged. "Technology and magic aren't mutually exclusive, Lady White. They're just two different ways of getting the job done, and if you do it right, they can both work at the same time for the same goal, with a lot of profitable synergy. Polykev," I tapped my chest once more, "is a good example. Originally an advanced pseudo-aramid fiber mesh, it's been merged with some standard enchantments and a lot of custom ones to create something that neither magic nor technology alone could produce."

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Exactly what those enchantments are hasn't been specified, and unless it becomes absolutely necessary to a story somewhere, probably never will be.

-- Bob
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The Internet Is For Norns.

[Dragonflight]

Only up to about 10K right now. And it still reads a little weak, I think. It's the flaw of descriptive combat. There's not as much dialogue, which means there's the risk it becomes page after page of descriptions, with no character interaction. Still needs a little tightening up, I think.
Nowhere near finished the combat. Just got things humming.
Dragonflight
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Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

[Bob Schroeck]

Good to hear. I know I fret over combat scenes more than any other part of my writing... just take your time and rework it until it hits your ear just right, that's all I can offer as advice.

-- Bob
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The Internet Is For Norns.

[robkelk]

Epsilon can probably give you a few pointers, too. (At least, he'll be of more help that I would - I have the same problem.) Bug us both at the next game, okay?

-Rob Kelk
"Read Or Die: not so much a title as a way of life." - Justin Palmer, 6 June 2007
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Dragonflight]

Changed the description of the knuckle bombs. I kept most of the text as-is however, because it occurred to me that you never see them hit multiple times in a row with the bombers, so it seemed logical to me that the weapons' capacitors take time to recharge after each use.
Although, now that I think about it, the tech base Sylia now has might include a way to build an armored cestus with multiple capacitors arranged in series. If say, Reika with the swap-out weapons system mounted something like that on both hands...
Hmm... Gotta think about that one...
Btw: Anyone have any ideas for secondary components for the new suits? I've got a few ideas, but as has just been demonstrated, the really fun ideas take group work.
Ian
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Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

[Norgarth]

just finished pt 3 and I echo the comments concerning the cliffhanger. looking forward to pt 4. Maybe by the end of the battle Kate will manage to pick her jaw off the floor from the surprise she just got.
for secondary components, maybe a sensor jammer pack? not as good as Nene's stuff, but useful for when she's busy with something/somewhere else.__________________
666-HELL The phone number of the Beast
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Dragonflight]

35K and still in combat. Kate hasn't had time yet to process what she's experienced, and she keeps swinging between "I'm in charge of my emotions and I'm NOT surprised by any of this" to "ahhh--Umm--whaaa??" every time she catches a glimpse of Sailor Loon.
Combat tends to focus people, or they have messy deaths. It's the aftermath that's going to be fun.
--Ian McLeod
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Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

[Necratoid]

If you think endless description is to blocky for combat then you probably want to add in radio chatter, or the equivalent for the boomer groups. Also, you did sick a magical girl on a bunch of borderline psychotic, glitchily programed boomers... reading how they process that on a thought/programming level will give you an out from endless combat detail. It doesn't matter if it ends up 'HULK SMASH PUNY NONEXISTANT THING!!!', 'That didn't just happen, magical girls (if it even has a clue what that is in the first place) don't exist I'm ifnoring that completely', 'Okay I'm malfunctioning or things are far to stupid for me. Screw you guys I'm going home!' even one going berserk and shooting at the closest moving thing or just rebooting itself/locking up.. it will still be a perfectly good reason to divert from combat descriptions. Kate isn't the only one that is a bit brain fried at Sailor Loon popping up from nowhere.
You've got hardsuits that are meant to be worn for long enough to need cathitors... is there some system to keep them from dehydrating? or liquid rations in the suit (more soft that hard really) something to keep their breath from condensing inside the helmet? Some kind of feeder system for getting power into the suit it it gets worn for long enough? Either by a cable port connected to the batteries or a spike to jam into something and drain its power... not combat fast, but enough so they could recharge during a stakeout or something equally long term. If nothing else being able to tap into a moto-slave to fire an energy weapon during chases or recharge the hard suit while using it as armor would help. An automapping function. With the AI's you could also have extended communications so that they could transfer data (like automap or detected defenses/threats) during missions without asking for them directly. Also linked sensor data makes it so weaknesses or critical points can be painted by the other's visors. Using the lesser sensors of the other suits and proccessing them through Nene's will mean only 1 copy of random mech we aren't likely to encounter are needed.... if they run into it it can be uploaded. You gave them adaptive A.I.s in the suits... use them. Nene isn't suppose to be a frontline shocktroop, others do that. A system to download the memories/datarecorders or enimies that are down wouldn't hurt.
Stuff to think about anyway. The suits are going to be used for recon also, at least judging by the wa somthing where phased.

[Bob Schroeck]

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Nene isn't suppose to be a frontline shocktroop, others do that.

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Isn't supposed to be, no. But this is post-Crash so she can transition to that role with no problems.
Ian, one thing that might help is switching POVs -- battle is a complicated, confusing thing, and jumping from viewpoint to viewpoint might help bring that across and keep your narrative from coming out too static.

-- Bob
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The Internet Is For Norns.

[Dragonflight]

The advice is definitely helping. Rewriting some of the combat in a different way is keeping it fast and kinetic. Between dialogue with characters in a scene, and frequent scene changes, the reader is treated to the entire fight from several different angles, at several different times in the fight. Plus, they overlap, so something that might not make sense immediately in the fight makes more sense later when you see what was happening elsewhere.
As for Nene being frontline, she's not. However, I've always felt that Mackie was underused, and I'm addressing that. The upshot of that however is that Nene will tend to be more active when the boy she's smitten with races into the fray on his own initiative.
As for her loadout, the shoulder pods were a necessary touch. Electronics warfare or not, you don't put a girl in power armor in the field unless she can stand up to her enemies in a fight. And trusting to hacking talent (which mostly involves standing around motionless) is a bad idea. The shoulder pauldrons make sense for her because they're mostly computer-aimed and fired. She's not a combat type, and depends heavily on the computer to target for her.
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Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

[Necratoid]

I think what I said about Nene and her suits possible secondary functions was taken wrong. I never said she was suppose to be useless in a fight... So far the story has mentioned her warping the path of beam weapons in Crash and that the new suit specificaly has spikes that are used to hack things... like boomers. She also has an adaptive, if not eventually sentient A.I. in her suit... which means she can tag things and have the A.I. handle the cannonfoddering of the slaved mechaniods. This, and the above, also assumes they will be taking missions that aren't seek and destroy in the future.
If you want clip on weapon systems... try having something around that is for taking out targets in chases. They have had to go on roadway chases before. Have a weapon system for high speed combat when your hands aren't free makes sense... other scenario specific weapons couldn't hurt to think about either.
For the record I have seen Crisis, Crash, and 2040.