Untitled Story Piece

[Drenivian]

The wall of Redcap magic made it impossible for re-inforcements to reach the growing battle at the University. When the wall was first created, members of the MAGI and various Supergroups rushed to the scene to break the wall, but it stood against everything. At the head of the group, waiting for the MAGI and the Cabal witches to break the barrier, Evangelia stood next to Lora'lai. Silence reigned over the two for a few minutes before Eva looked up at Lora'lai.
"Are you sure there's nothing we can do?" Lora'lai shook her head.
"They'll let us know when we can be teleported in, Eva. The only hero inside is one of ours, so we have priority."
"But Lora,"
"Excuse me, would you be Evangelia?" A hero asked as he stepped forward. His crimson and black flamescorched uniform and the skull melted into his helmet gave him a fearsome look.
"Yes, I am. Who are you?" The helmet seemed to turn slightly, as if taking in both Eva and Lora'lai at the same time.
"I'm Blaze Falcone of the Dawn Patrol, and one of Shizuru's closest friends. I want to be on your team when you enter." Eva looked at Blaze for a moment. "OK, you can come with." Turning back to look at the wall, Eva sighed as Blaze moved to stand on the other side of Lora'lai. "I hope she's ok."
"Shizuru's a fighter. She'll hold them off long enough for us to charge to the rescue."
Blaze's helmet never turned but his statement was all that was needed as the three continued to wait.
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This is one of the three scenes I've actually gotten written for the story I'm working on that encompases three things
1. Bio Story of being a student at the university. Internet Classes of course.
2. The lvl 43 Bar Binge, which happens at the end.
and
3. her new costume with the wings. I'll throw and image in sometime this weekend for those who haven't seen it.
Questions, Comments, umm.... Grammer Check? I'll take anything!When engaging, nothing beats a full frontal.
*********************
In the epic rage of furious thunder
legends create their tales
when the twilight calls and the dark lord falls
our glory will prevail

[His Lovely Wife]

YAY! Shizuru origin story!
Double YAY! Shizuru bar binge story!
Keep writing keep writing keep writing!
OK, hopefully the rest of this will be constructive.
1- How long has the wall been up? I'm guessing maybe an hour?
2- I'm also guessing they're in Croatoa? But since there is now a university campus in Steel (I think it's Steel), you may want to note where it takes place.
That's all I'm noticing right now.
-Cindy

[Bob Schroeck]

With red caps they're almost certainly in Croatoa.
I think there's always been a campus in Steel, it just hasn't been important before. There's certainly a spot with an identical sculpture, just as there is over in Founder's Falls. I think that "stone sphere with a chunk cut out" is indicative of a university branch campus anywhere in the city...
Meanwhile, on the subject of the story... I'm looking forward to more. You might want to work on your phrasing a bit, though, D -- the bit about the hero with the "skull melted into his helmet" made me think he had suffered some horrible injury for a moment.

-- Bob
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The Internet Is For Norns.

[His Lovely Wife]

They're not necessarily in Croatoa Bob. The Redcaps were all over the city at Hallowe'en.
Dren, maybe you want to set a season and identify the location a bit more. :-)
Still looks good after a 6th read...... 7th..... 10th.....
-C-

[Drenivian]

Oh, it's now, April and it is in Croatoa. That was the one thing I wanted to post because the other 2 are more into the combat that is going on Inside the barrier. I'm having a really hard time writing the begining, and grammer is hard for me. I may just have to have someone proofread/correct thing for me when its done. Which hopefully is sometime Before Anime Central.
*********************
In the epic rage of furious thunder
legends create their tales
when the twilight calls and the dark lord falls
our glory will prevail