Recorded Stand-Up Comedy Routine of the Day, 28 June 2005

[Bob Schroeck]

(A recording of an Australian punk stand-up comedian, which made the American charts in the early 1980s. Said punk is now an inspirational speaker, who is not at all reluctant to capitalize on his early days. There is a scattering of odd slang and pop culture references in the following, some of which I've footnoted; a gloss follows the transcript.

Why am I posting this? Because I can see Doug doing at least part of this routine in only partial jest. -- Bob)

[Background noise: rowdy club or pub, somewhere in Australia. The audience isn't sitting quietly, they're loud and boisterous, yelling back at the speaker at times.]

I'm tuff!

(Audience: How tuff are you?)

When my girlfriend says she don't want to see me any more, I just poke her in the eyes.
I'm tuff! I'm into punk yoga. That's where you stand on somebody else's head.
When I get into a cab, and the cab driver says "Where're you going?", I say, "None of your business, pal!"
I'm tuff!

(Audience: How tuff are you?)

You know what I have for breakfast?

(Audience: What?)

Anything I want, pal. My Rice Bubbles(1) are too scared to go "Snap, crackle and pop!" They just sit in the pack and go, "Sssh! Here he comes."
Think about it.
I'm tuff!

(Audience: How tuff are you?)

I'm so tuff I wasn't breastfed as a baby, I went straight on to cappucinos.
I'm so tuff my mother never tucks me into bed, she staples me in.
My girlfriend's tuff! My girlfriend's so tuff, she gives headbutts!
My cat's tuff! My cat's so tuff, he opens his own cans! Of PAL! (2)
I'm so tuff I drink cordial -- straight from the bottle!
I'm so tuff I get my girlfriend to iron my shirts -- while I'm wearing'em.
I'm tuff. When I eat Smarties (3), I eat the red ones first.
I'm so tuff, when I go down to a beach, I kick sand in my own face. (4)
I'm so tuff, my poo-poo scares flies away. (5)
I'm tuff!
I'm so tuff, I'll roll... (stumbles over his words, laughs)

(Audience laughs and applauds)

I'm so tuff, I'm allowed to make mistakes if I want to!
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb's got to want to change.
How many George Smilovicis does it take to change a lightbulb? None, 'cause tuff guys aren't afraid of the dark!
Say, how do you make a dog meow? You put it in the freezer for three days, take it out, put it across a bandsaw -- meeeeeeeeoooowwww! (6)

(Audience roars and applauds)

I'm tuff!

(Audience: How tuff are you?)

Don't hassle me, I got a black belt in macrame. Yeah, you, the guy there with the "no-frills" head.

(Audience laughs and applauds)

I'm so tuff, when I go to a French restaurant, I don't order Steak Diane, I order Steak Steve.
When I got to a pizza parlor, I order pizza! With the lot! (beat) Chairs, tables...
I'm tuff. I'm so tuff I even break Tonka toys. I'm so tuff I'm not even scared of bindies. (7)
I'm so tuff I eat quiche in front of truckies.
I'm so tuff I go to funerals wearing a wife-beater T-shirt.
I'm so tuff, I'm into drag racing. I know it's really dangerous, but I love driving really fast with women's clothes on.
I'm so tuff... I'm so tuff I don't eat Hundreds and Thousands (8), I eat trillions and billions.
I'm tuff.

(Single voice: How tuff are you?)

How many punks does it take to change a light bulb?

(Different voice: None!)

Four!

(beat, then voices from audience: Why? Why four?)

I just reckon it'd be about four!

(Audience roars)

I'm tuff, pal!
Thanks very much, you've been a great audience! Good night!

(Audience cheers and claps)

-- George Smilovici, I'm Tuff!

Footnotes:
(1) Rice Bubbles -- Kellogg's UK brand name for the breakfast cereal known in the US as "Rice Crispies".
(2) PAL. A brand of canned dog food sold in both the UK and some parts of the United States.
(3) Smarties. Unlike the tiny sugar candies sold in the United States under this name, the UK Smarties are sort of like giant M&Ms. They're packaged in rolls sort of like Mentos, randomly assorted, so to eat the red ones first you basically have to shred the packaging entirely.
(4) Kicking sand. References the old "Charles Atlas" ads you could find on the back of comic books years ago, specifically the story "The Insult That Made A Man Out of Mac". In this crude cartoon, scrawny Mac loses his girlfriend when a bruiser kicks sand in his face at the beach. Using the Charles Atlas plan, Mac bulks up, returns to the beach, and kicks sand in the face of the bully, who can't do anything about it now.
(5) That's not a bowdlerism. He actually says "poo-poo", which amuses his punk audience no end.
(6) How do you make a cat go "woof"? Soak it with lighter fluid, then toss a lit match at it. Woof!
(7) Bindies -- plural of "bindii", also known as "jojo weed"; an unfortunately common Australian weed grass which produces sharp, pointy seed pods which can lodge themselves painfully in the skin, usually of the feet. Also the nickname for Australian Viet Nam vets.
(8) Hundreds and Thousands -- UK term for the tiny decorative sugar candies which are better known in the US as "sprinkles", "jimmies" and "non-pareils", presumably because of how many you appear to use when you put them on cookies or cakes.

-- Bob
---------
It's spelt "Frodo Baggins" but it's pronounced "Throat-wobbler Mangrove."

[Evil Midnight Lurker]

Were there ever any other Charles Atlas ads?
--Sam
"My God! You must have a chest of steel!"

[robkelk]

Only in one issue of the Ranma 1/2 manga, where they sold power armour...
-Rob Kelk
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Jinx999]

Here in the UK, they are called Rice Crispies (or were last time I looked). I've no idea where they're called Rice Bubbles. A quick google implies that it's Australia.

[Bob Schroeck]

Okay, my error. I thought it was all-UK, not Australia-specific. That's what I get for doing only 30 seconds' worth of research while writing the glosses.

-- Bob
---------
It's spelt "Frodo Baggins" but it's pronounced "Throat-wobbler Mangrove."

[Bob Schroeck]

While looking up something for ATT, I came across the following -- an updated version of the routine, performed by Smilovici only a couple years ago, and I thought I'd share it:

I think my favorite line out of this is "I'm so tuff, my computer doesn't have a mouse, it's got a fuckin' rat."
For comparison, here's the 1984 original:

-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[robkelk]

As long as the thread's been necro'ed, an explanation for a bit of then-pop-culture...

...
I'm tuff. When I eat Smarties (3), I eat the red ones first.
...
(3) Smarties. Unlike the tiny sugar candies sold in the United States under this name, the UK Smarties are sort of like giant M&Ms. They're packaged in rolls sort of like Mentos, randomly assorted, so to eat the red ones first you basically have to shred the packaging entirely.
...

Also available in Canada, in boxes similar to the ones I understand they use in the US for Junior Mints. And back in the 1970s and '80s, the company had a jingle (to the tune of "Does you chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed-post overnight?") with the repeated line "When you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last?"
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Bob Schroeck]

Ah! And here I thought that was something completely random. Thank you!
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Soutern Cross]

Rice Bubbles are also in New Zealand."There's only one kind of monster that uses bullets"-Colonel VanHeusen , from "It! The Terror From Beyond Space"