My first fanfic posted...

[Balentius]

Well, I finally tossed out the beginning of a fanfic that I am working on... Comments appreciated.
www.livejournal.com/users/balentius/
(I'm still new to this "livejournal" thing, so I don't have a link to the specific entry, but there is only 2 entries at this point so it should be easy to find.)

[Kokuten]

I'll try and scope the fic later today, but if you're new to LJ, go get semagic - it makes posting to LJ a whole lot easier, especially with it's better handling of large ficcish posts.
--- Kokuten Daysleeper, Retired Epicced Officered DorfWire Geek - Burning the weak and trampling the dead since 1979

[Florin]

Not really enough to comment on the plot, but looks like it could be interesting. Although, the combination of movie script style to describe scenes and narrative style for people talking and thinking is kinda odd.--
Oh, what has science wrought? I sought only to turn a man into a metal-encased juggernaught of destruction powered by the unknown properties of a mysterious living crystal. How could this have all gone wrong?
--
If you become a monster to put down a monster you've still got a monster running around at the end of the day and have as such not really solved the whole monster problem at all. 

[Bob Schroeck]

Agreed. You need to smooth out the narrative a bit. You also really need more material for us to make an informed judgment on the story you're telling.

-- Bob
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For Jor-El so loved the Earth, he sent his only begotten son...

[Balentius]

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You also really need more material for us to make an informed judgment on the story you're telling.

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Actually, the other comments were exactly what I was wanting... Not so much about the story, but about my writing.
Thanks everyone for the input.