Just a little bit early [snippity thingy]

[Jorlem]

This has been bouncing around my head for most of the summer now, since a bit after the El Hazard/ Nanoha discussion, and I've finally got around to writing it up.  It's probably been done before, but I haven't seen it, so...

It’s said that a butterfly
flapping it’s wings can cause a storm on the far side of the world.  But butterflies are capricious beings, and
sometimes do not flap their wings on cue.

“It’s such a nice day out.  Would you like to get some fresh air?”

 

The doctor turns to the young girl in the wheelchair, who
smiles and nods.

 

            “Yes,
Ishida-sensei”

 

Dr. Ishida walks around behind the wheelchair, and gently
begins to push.

 

What care does a butterfly have
if a girl, trapped within a failing body, can go outside, instead of being
locked within a dreary hospital, after all? 
It simply flaps its wings when it chooses, with no thought to the
effects.

The doctor guides the wheelchair, and the girl it bears
along the tree lined path behind the hospital, stopping when she began to
motion at something by the foot of a tree.

 

            “Ishida-sensei,
what’s that?  It’s so pretty…”

But just because an insect, half
a world away, does not care about the effects, those effects are still present.  So now, thanks to the timely lack of
interference, Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha A’s will now begin…

The girl reaches up from her wheelchair’s seat, and places
the blue gem she found earlier on her bookshelf, next to an old book, which she has
been taking care of for as long as she can remember.  That task complete, she climbs into her bed,
and begins to drift off into sleep.  As
her consciousness fades, a flash of blue light goes unseen, and a single word
goes unheard.

…Just a little bit early.

Sammlung

I'm not too good with dialogue, and the formatting got a bit messed up, so sorry about that.
Edit: Added the word blue to the description of the gem.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[SCM Writer of 2814]

Um, what significance does that gem have? Star Crystal? Pre-Ring-Era Star Sapphire Gem? Silver Imperium Crystal? Phlactery?
--------------------------------------
I am the LORD OF THE CRACK!
Check out said crack:
Takamachi Nanoha of 2814- Green Lantern Nanoha. To START! Now with a TvTropes page!
FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814- The Fifth Holy Grail War with Magical Girl Prisma Illya, in the DCAU, from the above story.
Magical Girl Magistra Erebea Molly- the world's first Dresden Files/TvTropes Crossover.
VENGEANCE! The Musical! The Story of Uchiha Sasuke

[Jorlem]

Jewel Seed.
I'll edit it slightly so its clearer.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[SCM Writer of 2814]

*Wince* Oh, that's going to suck...
--------------------------------------
I am the LORD OF THE CRACK!
Check out said crack:
Takamachi Nanoha of 2814- Green Lantern Nanoha. To START! Now with a TvTropes page!
FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814- The Fifth Holy Grail War with Magical Girl Prisma Illya, in the DCAU, from the above story.
Magical Girl Magistra Erebea Molly- the world's first Dresden Files/TvTropes Crossover.
VENGEANCE! The Musical! The Story of Uchiha Sasuke

[robkelk]

Jorlem, you are going to develop this into a complete story, right? I'd really like to read it.
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Jorlem]

*Chuckles*

Thanks. It really depends on how much free time I'll have, which isn't looking like much for a while, unfortunately. When I do have time, I'm going to work out an outline, and try to figure out what exactly is going on. I'll need to re-watch the first two seasons, to get a grasp on how the characters talk, and well, it's all a question of time, really. I really would like to develop this though, so we'll see what happens.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[robkelk]

(looks at how long I've been writing LoGG) I can wait...
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Jorlem]

And now, for my 1000th post.  If you've wondered where I've been for the last week, I've been prodding at this since I noticed I had 997 posts.  I can't quite get it to gel the way I like, so suggestions and comments are most welcome.

    Hayate lay in bed, reading.  She had been doing so for the past several hours, since she had finished washing up the plates from her dinner, and the outside world had grown quiet.  All was dark and quiet, the neighbors must have gone to sleep some time ago, and the sound of a car driving past hadn't broken the silence in nearly an hour.  Hayate was free to lose herself in the world of her newest novel, with no sound to break her immersion.  No sound, save --
[Photon Lancer]
    With a crash and a pulse of yellow light, Hayate's bedroom window burst inward, the glass shards caught by the closed drapes, before they fell from their mounts.  In the same moment, the room fell dark as the lamp, knocked from its place by the blast, hit the floor.  Hayate twisted around in her bed, and then froze at the sight of the figure hovering where her window used to be.  Silhouetted in the moonlight, Hayate could barely make out any details, but what few there were, were burned into her memory.
The long, yellow hair.
The pitch black cape.
The black axe, with what she could only think was a single, huge glowing yellow eye.
Then the figure spoke.
"This is of no concern to you.  Stay out of the way.  Bardiche, Close Quarter Scan.  Objective is the Jewel Seed."
The axe's glowing eye pulsed brighter, and then it spoke.
[Yes Sir] 
And then her room was filled with lightning.  What seemed like dozens of twisting, flickering, arcs of electricity sprang from the axe's eye, and traced over every surface in her room.  The floor, the walls, her bookshelves, her bed, the arcs skittered across all of them.  It was when one approached Hayate herself that she found some small fragment of her voice.
"h-help... "
From between the page of the chained book, a blue light shone.

---

-- Deep Within the Book of Darkness --
Danger detected 
Defense Program Activated
Initiating Reincarnation Protocol
Error: Insufficient Power
Activating Unison Protocol
Error: Insufficient Synchronization Levels
Run Guardian Knight Program 01-04
Warning: Insufficient Time for Full Startup
Run Guardian Knight Program 01
Running Guardian Knight Program 01

---

-- Hayate's Room --
[Notfall Aktivierung]  (Emergency Activation)
    A wave of purple black light momentarily filled the room, dissolved the questing arcs of magical lightning, before pulling back towards the chained book, which was now hovering above the shelf.  At this, the girl floating where the window once was, and illuminated by the book's light, started back, her eyes riveted to the book. 
"What?  Bardiche!"
[Yes Sir.  Scythe Form Set--]
The chains on the book shattered as it burst open, and a second figure shot from the book at the first.  In the moment they collided, the newcomer's sword pushing against the other's scythe, Hayate could make out a long pink ponytail, that partially obscured a black leotard.  The girl with the scythe flew backwards with the force of the blow, and then shot upwards.  The swordswoman crouched, then launched herself after the other, her sword posed to swing.
She can fly, that girl can fly, even my book can fly.  Why can't I fly?
With that last, incredulous thought, Hayate slumped on her bed, unconscious.

I think I've got the formatting worked out.  Copying from Word doesn't quite work.  I'll try Open Office next time.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Epsilon]

I like.
--------------
Epsilon

[paladindythe]

So, how many pages can a Jewel Seed provide?

[Black Aeronaut]

Oh man. Talk about a learning curve!

[paladindythe]

If you feel that there's something missing, try switching to Hayate's point of view as the book activates.

[Jorlem]

Oh man. Talk about a learning curve!

And this is taking place before Fate first encounters Nanoha, but after Nanoha has started gathering Jewel Seeds. Probably this would be a night or two before the meganeko episode. So, yeah.

As for how many pages a Jewel Seed gives, it's dependent on what the JS was doing, and how it was sealed, and some other stuff. The BoD wasn't meant to use things like JSes as power sources, so when it absorbs one, and it hasnt been sealed yet, the Book will get pages relative to the amount of power it was putting out, and if it was running out of control or granting a wish properly (for a given definition of properly). If the JS has been sealed, it wouldn't provide any pages unless it was activated first. If they can do this, they could get maximum power out of the JS, as they could turn up the output as high as it could go, and then absorb it. Unfortunately, they don't know how to do this. (Yet, anyway). That said, with a viable alternative for filling up pages without harming anyone, (and a rather traumatic introduction to the world of magic) Hayate wouldn't object nearly as strongly to filling up the Book. She is also going to be looking forward to learning how to fly.
For more focus on Hayate's viewpoint, how would you suggest I go about doing it? I'd really like to, but I've got her frozen in shock for a good bit of the scene, and this is all happening really fast, in around twenty to thirty seconds. Maybe if I reword some of the descriptions so it's clearer that they are supposed to be coming from Hayate?
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Black Aeronaut]

Hrm... That may sort itself out. Signum will not waste any time whatsoever in driving Fate off... and Fate is smart enough to know when she is completely out-classed. Or at least Arf would be.

After they beat a hasty retreat, that would be when Hayate is shaken from her reverie by a concerned-yet-stoic Signum... who simply does not know how to react once Hayate starts bawling on her shoulder.

As for Hayate's thought process... I would think that it would be a mix of Why are they fighting? and Make it stop! set to infinite loop. At least until Signum shakes her out of it.

[robkelk]

Hrm... That may sort itself out. Signum will not waste any time whatsoever in driving Fate off... and Fate is smart enough to know when she is completely out-classed. Or at least Arf would be.

Fate is smart enough to know that she should retreat... but she's also smart enough to know how Precia will react if she runs. Which one wins out?
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Epsilon]

Hrm... That may sort itself out. Signum will not waste any time whatsoever in driving Fate off... and Fate is smart enough to know when she is completely out-classed. Or at least Arf would be.

Fate is smart enough to know that she should retreat... but she's also smart enough to know how Precia will react if she runs. Which one wins out?

She didn't kill herself trying to defeat Nanoha, so she'll probably retreat.
Once.
-------------
Epsilon

[Jorlem]

Smart people.
Yeah, a quick retreat is about how I see the battle going. Fate I see as being at around the same level of skill now as in the beginning of A's, just with less experience fighting real people. (Would Fate have been able to train during the timeskip? She was on trial, after all. So she might be able to put up a fight, before retreating via teleport spam.), and was taken completely by surprise. Signum doesn't have any cartridges, but she isn't constrained by any oath to avoid killing at the moment either. So, yeah. Fate's not going to win this fight.
A's for Precia, she's not going to be happy when she finds out, until Fate describes the book that she saw. Once she looks at Bardiche's scan report, and realizes what it is, she will be quite excited. Precia believes that the Book of Darkness is a Lost Logia originating from Al-Hazard.
On the subject of the snippet, was it clear enough that it was the Jewel Seed was what was returning those error messages?
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[robkelk]

On the subject of the snippet, was it clear enough that it was the Jewel Seed was what was returning those error messages?

I thought it was the Tome of the Night Sky talking to itself, actually...
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Jorlem]

On the subject of the snippet, was it clear enough that it was the Jewel Seed was what was returning those error messages?

I thought it was the Tome of the Night Sky talking to itself, actually...

The blue text is supposed to be the Jewel Seed, acting to grant Hayate's wish for someone to help her by blocking the Defense Program's initial, unhelpful responses. I want it to be clear enough to the reader, but I also want it to seem natural enough that the Defense Program accepts the error messages as coming from itself. Any suggestions on how I could improve that?
Maybe if all the magical text was color coded, the disparity would br more obvious to the reader? But then I'd have a ton of rainbow text...
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[paladindythe]

On the subject of the snippet, was it clear enough that it was the Jewel Seed was what was returning those error messages?

I thought it was the Tome of the Night Sky talking to itself, actually...

The blue text is supposed to be the Jewel Seed, acting to grant Hayate's wish for someone to help her by blocking the Defense Program's initial, unhelpful responses. I want it to be clear enough to the reader, but I also want it to seem natural enough that the Defense Program accepts the error messages as coming from itself. Any suggestions on how I could improve that?
Maybe if all the magical text was color coded, the disparity would br more obvious to the reader? But then I'd have a ton of rainbow text...

I think you'll need some narration there to guide the readers. I certainly missed it.
  

[Jorlem]

I thought it was the Tome of the Night Sky talking to itself, actually...

The blue text is supposed to be the Jewel Seed, acting to grant Hayate's wish for someone to help her by blocking the Defense Program's initial, unhelpful responses. I want it to be clear enough to the reader, but I also want it to seem natural enough that the Defense Program accepts the error messages as coming from itself. Any suggestions on how I could improve that?
Maybe if all the magical text was color coded, the disparity would br more obvious to the reader? But then I'd have a ton of rainbow text...

I think you'll need some narration there to guide the readers. I certainly missed it.
  

Yeah, I think you're right. I'll think about how I want to word it for the next few days, then type it up once I have access to a word processor. (I'm typing this on an iPod, which isn't the best for long posts, or saving things. I've lost a number of posts when I've gone to double check things on other websites, which always bugs me, but that's not important now.)
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[paladindythe]

I guess what I was getting at with looking at things from Hayate's pov was that the scene is a bit confusing right after she cries for help.