ROTFL: The comeback

[Bob Schroeck]

‘If you assholes get me into the crap I’m teleporting out and leaving you there’ she stated. ‘We’ve got to be completely surrounded by this warlords people out here haven’t we?’ she asked.

Janko pulled on his own beret. ‘We’re paratroopers’ he responded with a grin

‘We’re supposed to be surrounded’ Ashton told her.

‘And I’m the one they keep locked up for public safety’ Amy said to herself in disbelief.

-- Compelled To Play The Great Game, Chapter 28

So far, she and Xander had gotten them all to believe in vampires and demons. She gave them her version of the origin story (Once, there were powerful beings that had a civilization on Earth. It blew up and demons came in like scavengers. Eventually, humans and higher powers drove most of the powerful ones out of this dimension. Now, there are skyscrapers, boy bands, and ice cream that is called Chunky Monkey, but has no actual monkeys in it, chunky or otherwise.)

-- Tales From The Compelled Verse, Chapter 15

"Wait." said Jesse. "If that body of yours is just a mechanical ant, er.. fuzzy monkey - then what's your real form like?"

Mitzy smiled. "Bigger."

"Like 'basketball player reaching the ceiling with their head' bigger, 'Can't fit on an empty bus' bigger, or 'I'm here to fight Godzilla' bigger?" Jesse asked.

Mitzy's grin got bigger. "The last one."

-- Tales From The Compelled Verse, Chapter 15

Harry blinked. “Um, right. So, I’m Harry Potter. You are?”

“I think I’ll be Harry Potter too, if you don’t mind? It looks like fun,” the girl replied.

“Um… sure. Er, who were you before you decided to be Harry Potter too?” He asked, while thinking: ‘Just smile and nod and back away slowly from the crazy person, Harry.’

“Luna Lovegood, daughter of the world-renowned investigative journalist Xenophillius Lovegood,” she answered blithely.

“Oh… um… I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of him.” Harry said.

Luna smiled. “I wouldn’t have expected you to. You aren’t a world.”

-- Agent Double O Hex, chapter 3

-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Jinx999]

From Tales of Mu:

"Sooni, we're not rivals," I said. "And we're never going to be friends. I'm not like your nekos. I'm not somebody
you can push around and then expect them to just turn around and worship at your feet… or kiss your ass.. or lick your pussy while you call me filth… or
whatever it is you want me to do for you."

"Subtext!" Sooni said, practically dancing with joy. "See? We have subtext now!"

I tried to look on the bright side. There was still every chance that when my actual friends showed up, Steff would kill Sooni. The slight chance that
she'd try to turn the corpse into some kind of undead sex puppet seemed like an acceptable risk, at this point.

[ECSNorway]

Entry from the timeline of a future-history SGC fic.

2022

...

Dr. Rodney McKay destroys yet another solar system in an attempt to perfect the Arcturus Generator.

--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Black Aeronaut]

From Once More With Feeling:

Asuka actually had it on good advice they had done nothing more then kiss, but Hikari flushed as if Asuka had accused her of filming hardcore pornography
videos, her conservative nature once again coming to the front.

"Toji, you sly devil" Kensuke smirked across the table. "So that's where you vanished to when-"

"What precisely would they be doing behind the Gym, Asuka?" Rei asked in an all too innocent tone, with a perfectly curious expression
on her face…

"Well um…you know…stuff" Asuka lamely replied, suddenly flushing asRei put her on the spot, to a general snickering.

"Stuff…" Rei echoed as Shinji took a sip of his apple juice, Rei turning to face Kensuke. "Should we also partake in this…stuff?"

Apple juice shot from Shinji's nose.

"Is something wrong, Ikari?" Rei asked, glancing across at him with that all too innocent tone as Shinji started coughing furiously, Toji and
Hikari stared at her in amazement, Asuka's jaw just dropped and Kensuke looked like he was about to faint…

[ECSNorway]

Naruto and Sasuke emerged in a small room, decorated in stripes. They looked at each other, quickly discovering that they were dressed in pure white robes. Before they could make any other observations, a voice from behind them spoke out in a monotonous tone that suggested he had done this many times.

“Hello, my name is Momochi Zabuza, fourth seat of the 11th division. I’m here to guide you to your next place of work, as you have been chosen to become Shinigami. And… WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?!”

The two dead gennin spun around, and were indeed greeted by the incredulous, still bandaged face of one Momochi Zabuza, Demon of the Hidden Mist, and now, fourth seat of the 11th division. “Well…” Naruto said. “We died.”

--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Epsilon]

ECSNorway wrote:

---

Naruto and Sasuke emerged in a small room, decorated in stripes. They looked at each other, quickly discovering that they were dressed in pure white robes.
Before they could make any other observations, a voice from behind them spoke out in a monotonous tone that suggested he had done this many times.




"Hello, my name is Momochi Zabuza, fourth seat of the 11th division. I'm here to guide you to your next place of work, as you have been chosen to
become Shinigami. And… WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?!"




The two dead gennin spun around, and were indeed greeted by the incredulous, still bandaged face of one Momochi Zabuza, Demon of the Hidden Mist, and now,
fourth seat of the 11th division. "Well…" Naruto said. "We died."

Source?

-----------------

Epsilon

[yesilmavi]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3343424/1/Shrouded_Orange

googled it.

[ECSNorway]

Yup.

And more:

Yusatora Sado, Chad to some people, had been a witness to many strange scenes in his life. He had been called a gangster and a mobster. He had been attacked by an invisible monster. He had had a parakeet talk to him for days, for crying out loud! But nothing had ever prepared him for the sight he was now seeing. “Jan, Ken, Po!” The two odd men yelled.

“Darn it Gai-sensei! Best Nine out of Seventeen this time!”

“A truly honorable proposition, my faithful student! We shall begin!” And thus, the strange rock-paper-scissors contest continued. Chad continued to stand there, feeling oddly out of place, but knowing it would be rude of him to just leave the two here. Finally the younger of the two raised his hand.

“Yes! I win!” he yelled. The other man nodded and clapped proudly.

“Good job, Lee! By defeating me in a contest of wits and skill, you have proven that you truly are a genius of hard work! Now, to claim your prize, a battle with this very polite ryoka!”

Lee turned to the dumbstruck Chad. “Thank you for waiting! My name is Rock Lee, the Burning Azure Best of the Seventh Division! Now, let us commence our combat!”

Chad shrugged. Well, he’d fought stranger.

--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[yesilmavi]

“I choose you, Nidoking!” The Grassland gym leader threw out his first pokemon.

“Well, here goes nothing.” Naruto mumbled, reaching into his bag. “I choose you, fur-ball!” With that he threw the Kyuubi’s ball out into the ring.

“FREEDOM!” The nine-tailed beast roared. It immediately turned on Naruto, eyes ablaze with fire, tails twitching as it attacked with full force.

A quick kawarimi technique later and the gym leader’s body was traded for Naruto’s. He didn’t survive for more than a few seconds. His pokemon didn’t last much longer, either.

Needless to say, the few surviving spectators of the match would go on to say that Naruto had won. They gladly pushed the badge into his hand and hastened him out the door.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4122427/3/A ... e_Universe
crackfic.

[Angryoptimist]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3343424/1/Shrouded_Orange

Arabai.  Arabai.  ARABAI.

• XKCD #1288
  
• FoxReplace for Firefox

Two great tastes that go great together!

[ECSNorway]

“Well thanks, I think.” Garibaldi frowned. “A gesture of trust huh? Did I mention I don’t trust people I don’t know?”

“You don’t trust people you do know!” Sheridan chuckled. “Which is another reason you’re the best choice. Besides, keep you out of trouble for a while.”

“Alright.” Garibaldi surrendered. “But if we end up at war with General O’Neill’s people I told you so.”

“It’ll be cool.” O’Neill assured. “People will think you’re Bruce Willis, you’ll fit right in.”

Chronicles of the Crusade
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[drakensis]

Once he settled down again, Tzintchi asked, "So how did you do it?"

Shrugging nonchalantly, Tzeentch replies, "It was just a matter of power to get what we needed back 60 million years. We convinced Abaddon to use the
Planet Killer to destroy Cadia and then we whisked one of the pylons into the Warp and hurled it back through time to where the Necrontyr would find it and
bring to their C'tan masters for study into the creation of the Great Warding. We burned out most of our daemons, the Emperor burned out ever psyker tied
to him, the Eldar gods blew up all their Infinity circuits, and every Ork in the cosmos WAAAGH!'d at once, coincidentally blowing up their heads, to
produce the required power. Oh, and we told the Chaos Space Marines the whole 'make the Emperor the fifth Chaos God' plot and how they were basically
patsies in the whole thing. Abaddon's screams alone got us an extra ten years worth of time travel."

All of the gods laughed at that one, wiping away tears at the end and holding their sides, Nurgle summarizing by saying, "Ah Abaddon, what a dork. His
expression when we told him that we made him the leader of Chaos because we knew he didn't have a chance of actually winning; now that was
priceless."

Thousand Shinji
D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.

[DHBirr]

Sadly not available on the 'Net -- because there wasn't a 'Net when it was written. Norman Spinrad's short story "It's a Bird!
It's a Plane!"

"Can it be that Dr. Felix Funck, balding, harried head of a ward in a great metropolitan booby-hatch is in reality ... Supershrink?"

(The humor lying in the fact that Dr. Funck describes himself in exactly these terms -- in the privacy of his own mind. So
how does Mr. Kent know this?)

Dr. Funck's final line:

"Wait for me, Superman, you pathetic neurotic, you, wait for me!"

-----
Big Brother is watching you.  And damn, you are so bloody BORING.

[Norgarth]

"Hold it!" Carlos demanded. "Do you have authorisation to be here?"

"Of course I do." Tostig growled.

Carlos peered around at the group following the warrior. "And these people?"

"Hi." Mitchell grinned. "Say, look behind you, it's a diversion!"

"A what?" Carlos snapped around, realising half a second too late that it was a very stupid trick to fall for. He grimaced and prepared the
inevitable painful strike that was going to render him unconscious. He was not disappointed.

From 'Chronicles of the Crusade Book 2' chapter 2

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3140820/2/C ... _Long_Road
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[s3yang]

"So, Sasuke! What's your awesome weapon's name?"

Sasuke looked at Naruto, then at the blade, and then he closed his eyes. He seemed to meditate on it for a few seconds, before smiling to himself. When he
opened his eyes, he had the serious, cold stare that made him the Academy's little heartbreaker.

"…" A long pause. "…Weasel Beater."

Naruto Fuujinroku - 16

[Shepherd]

"And don't get me started on her great aunt," McGonagall continued, "the woman who decided that she was in love with half of Hufflepuff
house."

"They're all very happy together," Luna said primly, "except Uncle Gimpy . . . but Aunty says he'll eventually accept his fate and
stop trying to escape."

Larceny, Lechery and Luna Lovegood, Chapter 82
----------------------------------------------------

"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV

[DHBirr]

 
-----
Big Brother is watching you.  And damn, you are so bloody BORING.

[Jeap]

Harry stared and demanded, "How the hell did that fit up there?"

"A regulation Hogwarts skirt goes from waist to knee, which in my case is exactly 21 inches, more than enough room to hide a knife of this size,"
Hermione replied, "but of course, it's simply not practical for me to carry this on my person at all times, so I created a portal-"

"There's a magical portal up your skirt?!" Harry demanded, staring at Hermione in a completely new way.

"There's a magic portal up every girl's skirt," Hermione replied smugly.

"This is like the scariest sex ed class I've never had," Harry declared, looking suitably freaked out.

[DreadnaughtVV]

Jeap wrote:

---

Harry stared and demanded, "How the hell did that fit up there?"




"A regulation Hogwarts skirt goes from waist to knee, which in my case is exactly 21 inches, more than enough room to hide a knife of this size,"
Hermione replied, "but of course, it's simply not practical for me to carry this on my person at all times, so I created a portal-"




"There's a magical portal up your skirt?!" Harry demanded, staring at Hermione in a completely new way.




"There's a magic portal up every girl's skirt," Hermione replied smugly.




"This is like the scariest sex ed class I've never had," Harry declared, looking suitably freaked out.

Give us a link, you fool!

[Wiregeek]

Asuka Comic

I lolled
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies

[WengFook]

DreadnaughtVV wrote:

---

Give us a link, you fool!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4045112/1/O ... he_Ottoman

Google is your friend.
_________________________________
Take Your Candle, Go Light Your World.

[ECSNorway]

Sakura: "That was my best f**kin' coat!"

Anko: "Well then, you'd better find something else to f**k in!"

(From 'One Hundred Days').

Speaking of which.

We've seen some excellent Sakura 'fic (100 Days, Suiren, Hell's Radiance). We've seen some interesting Hinata 'fic (People Lie, although
not Hinata-centric). Anyone got any good Ino fics?
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[DHBirr]

Star Wars meets Azumanga Daioh. Two of the little girl's classmates have had bizarre dreams in which that vaguely catlike creature was her father. (Her actual father is never seen.)


A response to Rule 34:

I'd like an explanation, too....

-----
Big Brother is watching you.  And damn, you are so bloody BORING.

[Bob Schroeck]

Here's a few from fics I've recently read:

"Don't think of it as Voldemort, think of it as a leather upholstered
Chihuahua," Harry replied...
-- from "Oswald the Ottoman", by lunakatrina

"Ever get the feeling Akagi-sensei is actually smart enough to say one thing
while thinking something else entirely?" Shigeru whispered to Makoto.

"How mean!" Maya had to defend her sempai. "She's not deliberately
incrutable..."

"She's not that hard to figure out. You just need to read the subtitle of her
thoughts. It's got this distinctive yellow italic font. Yours is green, Maya
gets light blue. Unless this is the dub, in which case you might miss it against
the background noise."

His friends stared intently at him.

"I said nothing. This conversation never happened." he added quickly.

-- Shinji and Warhammer40k, chapter 22, by Charles Bhepin

"Mudblood," Amaris repeated softly, testing the word on her tongue. She had
a contemplative look on her face, which dissolved into determination. "I do not
like that mortal, father. May I go and kill him now?"

"What?" Harry asked, surprised. He scowled and rounded on his daughter
fiercely, indignation burning in his eyes. "No! No daughter of mine will ever
be convicted of murder!"

"I understand," Amaris said dejectedly.

"You have to wait until it's dark when nobody's usually looking and then kill
him," Harry finished. "That way, you won't get caught."

"Ah," Amaris said with dawning understanding. "I understand."

"I'm sure you do," Harry said dryly.

-- from The Denarian Knight, chapter 26, by Shezza88
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[s3yang]

A soft tone sang out from The Almighty's computer. "Oh, if you'll excuse me. I have to appear in a grilled cheese sandwich in Detroit in five
minutes.