ROTFL: MAO!

[ECSNorway]

From 'The Third Magic', a ZnT/FSN crossover in which Louise summons Ilyasviel.
Spoilertagged because long.

Spoiler

The Third Magic

A Familiar of Zero / Fate/Stay Night Story

Created in collaboration with Alfheim Wanderer

| [


Among the Heroic Spirits, there was one who stood head and shoulders
above the others in terms of raw strength. This was Heracles, son of
Zeus, whose name was synonymous with power, against whom no mortal could
long endure. Indeed, in the legends of his deeds, only the gods had
been able to play the part of a lasting antagonist, as all others had
been felled by mere fraction of his might. In terms of divine mystery
and age, he was nigh unrivalled, and were it not for the constraints of
the Servant system and the berserker craze that had robbed of his sanity
during the Holy Grail War, leaving only a shard of himself behind, he
would have been unmatched.

(Except by Gilgamesh, but then almost everything was an exception where the King of Heroes was concerned).

Still, his strength was why he had been chosen as the Einzbern Servant,
from the many heroes of legends in his native world, and why he had been
called to this place. And it showed in his upkeep, as to be his Master
in this most dangerous game of death, one needed to have ridiculously
high amounts of prana.

But now, in the fullness of his power, Heracles faced a trial unlike anything he had ever known.

For all his divine might and legendary cunning, he stood fearful before
his task, a daunting charge that had claimed the souls of many lesser
men and women.

Against this final obstacle, the world's strongest hero stood alone ...

... as Illyasviel mumbled incoherently before snuggling even closer up against Louise.

‘The little pink thing and the Master need to wake for class, but how do I do so?'
Heracles wondered. Of all the dangerous feats he had undertaken, this
one was far and above the worst, given the conditions, what was expected
of him, and how little he had had to use. Perhaps he would even need to
give one of his twelve lives, his last resort, in order to wake them.
Even after all the children he'd reared in his time, he had no idea how
to wake them both and come out unscathed.

‘Ah, too late,' he thought as his eyes wandered to the snoozing
faces, so rosy and content. Sometime during the night, Illyasviel had
kicked off the covers and the two girls wearing identical, translucent
negligees had turned to each other for warmth. Now that he made his
mistake of looking directly down at the two girls, Heracles felt his
willpower drain as he became paralyzed by the adorable sight. 'Too...what is the word? Cute.'

After a few minutes passed, Heracles shook his head, snapping himself out of his daze. ‘I must be strong for the little Lady!'
His trembling hands crawled to the girls from one side of the bed,
fearing that in his rapture, he might accidentally harm one of his
wards. So, as gently as he could (which was surprisingly so, given his
size!), Heracles used his forefingers to tap the soft cheeks of the
girls, a task that was made rather difficult, as his fingers were twice
as thick as either girl's thighs.

"Munyuua," both girls groaned, almost like an echo, as both raised a hand to lazily slap away the offending appendage.

"... Little Lady, Pinkie," Heracles whispered distraughtly, trying to
restrain his voice so it would seem he was roaring. "It's time to wake
up."

This time, Heracles poked against the petite girls' shoulders. His soft
thrust only prompted the girls to roll away from his finger.

"Uwagha," the girls mumble in unison, once again shrugging off his attempts to rouse them from their slumber.

Clearly, this was going to be more difficult than he thought.

Still, Heracles was not one of the greatest heroes of legend for
nothing, and upon realizing that mere poking would not work, the leaden
giant switched tactics.

He tried nudging the girls, but his titanic strength caused to girls to
roll across the bed. Panicking, Heracles raced to the other side of the
bed to stop them from falling off the bed. But as Louise reached the
edge, she just bounced off him and started rolling the other way.

With the speed only a Heroic Spirit was capable of, Heracles passed
through the bed to materialize on the other side, managing to stop
Illyasviel from falling off the bed. Alas, the snow fairy did not wake.
All his hard work only resulted in a change from Illyasviel spooning and
grinding against Louise in her sleep to Louise spooning and groping
Illyasviel in her sleep.

Puzzled, Heracles scratched his head, trying to recall how the maids had
woken the little Lady, during the days of the Holy Grail War? Ah, yes,
the Sella-Maid either rolled Illyasviel out of bed or tossed cold water
on the little Lady's face.

That wouldn't do.

‘Oh, that's right!' Heracles bumped his fist to his palm in realization. The Leysritt-Maid had once suggested tickling the little Lady awake! ‘Now, how do I do that when they are the size of my hands... ?'

Heracles scratched his head again.

He carefully plucked two feathers from pillows the girls snoozed on and
tickled their noses. This seemed to have an effect on the girls, but
rather than waking up, the girls went into even deeper sleep.

As one, both girls dragged the covers over their heads, mumbling, "Munya."

Heracles scratched his head again.

This time, he went to the girl's exposed feet. It was truly cruel, what
he was about to do to the two little Ladies, but his duty demanded it.
He took the feathers and tickled the girl's rosy soles.

At first, the tiny feet shifted and moved, trying to escape Heracles'
ruthless tickling. However, the two girls were mere mortals and could
not measure up to the Heroic Spirit's awesome tickling ability (Rank B).
After five minutes of combat against the Tickle, the two pairs of tiny
feet shrank into the safety of the covers, leaving Heracles alone once
more.

Heracles frowned and scratched his head again.

Heracles sighed, and tried to pry to covers from the tiny hands, save
that the girls clutched it so hard, the gentle giant's restrained pulls
were not enough!

"Master," he rumbled softly, "It's time for school... "

It seemed the girls were not going to make this easy for him. That's
fine, Heracles realized, he was always up for a challenge. This time, he
pulled harder...

...Way too hard!

The covers flew out of bed, flipping the girls into the air, before they
plopped back down onto the bed. Heracles stared incredulously.

'Perhaps the little Ladies are playing with me? How are they still asleep after all that?'

Truly it was a great puzzle for the ages.

"Master," he rumbled again, this time a little louder...

...Way too loud!

Both girls' heads shot up, smashing into Heracles' forehead! But while
the adamantine giant had God Hand to protect him from such jolts, the
two girls were rather less fortunate.

"Mugyuuu... " Both girls cried, with tears welling up in their eyes as they
rubbed their bruised foreheads....and then promptly collapsed back onto
the bed, snoring.

Heracles stared before muttering to himself, "... Cold water it is then,
but the little Lady would scold me. And maybe even hit me."

Sighing, he knew he had no other choice.

Heracles dug his fingers under the girls and gently lifted them out of
the bed. In a single movement, he scooped up a girl in each hand and
plopped them down next to each on the side of the bed, in sitting
positions. The girls froze for just a second before falling back onto
the fluffy covers below them.

"Pogiya... "

"I apologize for this ahead of time, my Master," Heracles muttered as he
rifled through the little pink thing's closet. He then undressed the
girls delicately, taking care to slip the negligees off of the girls
without disturbing them too much as they squirmed and snuggle together.
Luckily Heracles' hands were swift as lightning and got the silky
transparent white clothing off of the girls before they realized what
was going on.

In the next few minutes, Heracles took his time to dress each of the
girls. By the time he was done, they were in the pink thing's student
uniforms, and still cuddled up against each other.

Heracles sighed again.

"I'm sorry for this, my Master... but it seems I have no choice. Noble Phantasm: Hundred Tickling Hands!"
Heracles' hands sped up as he tickled the girls a hundred times
simultaneously. The effect was devastating; both girls were completely
defenseless against the onslaught of the Heroic Spirit's mighty power.

"Wuah! Hahaha!" Illyasviel yelped and jumped up just too far and hit her
head on the side of the bedpost, falling off the bed. Louise was not as
strong as her familiar and was left a wiggling mass of pink giggling
blob by the end of Heracles' labors.

"Ow!" Illyasviel moaned, clutching her doubly wounded head.

Louise wiped the tears and dust from her eyes and blinked. "You,
you're... " She paused as her mind finally booted. "Ah, that's right, I
summoned you yesterday!" She said before frowning. "And how did I get
dressed... ?"

"Oh good morning, Archer!" Illyasviel called cheerfully from the ground
where she was still clutching her head, "and good morning to you too,
Louise!"

"I told you, call me Master -- " Louise said with her eyes closed in
annoyance, before managing to collect herself and looking up--only to
see the hulking form of Archer. "Eep!"

"It's time for class, little Ladies," Heracles spoke in a voice that
sounded more like a growl than anyone was comfortable with. "Further,
you have a guest at the door, though she has been there for a few
minutes, Pink Supervisor." With that, Heracles reverted to his spirit
form, only keeping his link to Illyasviel's mind open.

"Well then," Illyasviel said to the somewhat speechless Louise, "I would
say it is good manners to greet your guest, right Master?"

"... Manners, right... " Louise mumbled. Where...where had the colossus in her
room gone? It had been there only a second ago, right? ...or was she
seeing things again? "Ugh..." All the pinkette wanted to go back to bed
and dream of fluffy manticores, and now she was being denied even that.

'It's too early in the morning for this... !'

--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Morganite]

The latest chapter of Decadent Habits (which continues to be NSFW) has a couple of (SFW) bits I liked.

"Well, it's kind of a funny story," Rakan began.

"There's nothing funny about it. It is a grim tale of mistakes and betrayal, lies and deceit," Mana interrupted.

"So, yeah, funny.

Mana paused at the door. "No, what I said was, I've decided to believe in him. In matters where the fate of worlds is at stake, I will definitely lend him all my strength without reservation, which is something money can't buy. For everything else, like silly little disputes between him and the Dark Evangel, there's MasterCard."

That's not exactly a new joke, but I rather like this version.

-Morgan.

[Sirrocco]

"It shall not happen again," he told Akane.
She nodded, and the bouquet left his hands.
"Hey," Ranma said. "You did some pretty horrible things to me too. Don't I get an apology?"
Kuno clenched his fists. "Ranma Saotome, I am extremely sorry that I ever mistook you for a girl. Believe me when I say, the thought fills me with the most acute sickness. But I am not buying you flowers!"
"Eh, fair enough," he said.
-- I Want a Refund, chapter 6

[LilFluff]

So, I've started back up on Dungeon Keeper Ami and run across this gem in the chapter titled Constuction Work...

"Nephrite. Once again, you disappoint." Beryl's voice sounded calm and
bored, but the brown-haired general knew enough to detect the
undercurrent of steel it hid.

He clenched his teeth and stood very rigid. The throne room's air felt
cold on his sweat-soaked forehead, and he knew that he was pale like a
sheet. To any of the many courtiers skulking about just outside the
light radius surrounding the queen, he would appear quite terrified.
From the corners of his eyes, he could see that snake Zoisite hover in
the air not far away, looking insufferably smug at his fellow general's
misfortune. In truth, the only thing Nephrite feared right now was
covering the throne room's finely polished tiles with vomit. He couldn't
imagine his Queen reacting well to that. His stomach felt as if
it was full of stones, and he could taste the bile rising in the back of
his throat. In short, he felt sick like a dog and was trying not to
show it. So much for that brilliant plan.

As usual, the stars had chosen his newest victim, some short-haired
teenager with a passion for cooking. Sounded easy, right? Just smile at
her, put the evil mark on a spoon, and leave. Except the plan had
backfired. Sure, the girl had been so impressed with his gentle
encouragement that she had thrown herself into the work like a girl
possessed - hah! However, the problems had started when her family
confronted him with dark glowers on their faces as they heard the noises
coming from the kitchen. They had politely but insistingly prevented
him from leaving. He could still hear the words of the middle sister in
his mind "Oh no, after what you have done, it would be horribly impolite to just send you away without treating you to what our little sister is preparing."
The evil monster must have been smirking at him inwardly the whole
time. Then, surprisingly strong hands had pushed him back into the
kitchen. Where his 'victim' had enthusiastically force-fed him her
creations, despite his protests. Did he mention that she was actually a
horrible cook? Thank you, stars. Thank you so much. In hindsight,
getting away might have been worth blowing his disguise as Masato
Sanjouin.

-----

Will the transhumanist future have catgirls? Does Japan still exist? Well, there is your answer.

[drakensis]

It was not wise that beings as pure and fearless as the specialist daemon-hunters of the Astartes should be allowed to choose their own targets. Virtually everyone- the majority of the Ordo Malleus for a start- would fall beneath their standards.

there are five main historical monastic vows, the Astartes take some of them and the sisters some also; the full set is Piety, Obedience, Poverty, Chastity and Kung-Fu.

Knight Errant
D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.

[Sirrocco]

Knight Errant

Thank you, Drakensis, that was really quite entertaining.  Does the author post anywhere other than spacebattles?

[drakensis]

Not that I'm aware of. There is a new chapter of this though, and an update of his 40K/Star Wars crossover.

In the Uplifting Primer issued to all the Guard, it stated, infamously, "recite the Litany of Stealth to stop yourself being heard." That was heavily, endlessly mocked. Relatively few people bothered to look it up in the list of litanies and realised there were no words for it...

D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.

[anowack]

A couple of people I've corresponded with (I won't name names), have
assumed I am male. I find this sort of hilarious. I'm guessing the
confusion is stemming from the fact my story doesn't read like this:
"Naruto-dobe,
I love you, even though I've professed my complete lack of human
empathy—not to mention tried to kill you—multiple times," Sasuke-chan
said, brushing his raven/ebony/jet black hair out of his perfect face
(A/N: Sasuke is mine, if you tell me otherwise Imma cut a bitch).
His insulting, and grammatically incorrect, method of address has Naruto sold. "Sasuke-teme, I realize I love you too, even though I
have expressed considerable homophobia at various points throughout the
series. Oh, please don't violate me through my anus, since I apparently
can't defend myself even though I'm a ninja," Naruto whimpered
uke-lly, and burst into tears in preparation for impending rapeage.
Then, despite both being virgins and sixteen years old, Sasuke rams his
comically oversize cock all up in there with no lube. Prostates appear
in anatomically impossible places, and somehow it does not hurt like the
bejesus.
Because having sex with someone when they say 'no' is a
healthy expression of love, and not a criminal offense, Sasuke and
Naruto move in together. A month later, Naruto starts puking when he
wakes up in the morning. Sasuke rushes him to Tsunade, who magically has
time for this sort of hysterical crap. Although she is reputedly the
greatest medical ninja in the world, her impeccable diagnostic skills
tell her the logical thing to do is give a sixteen year old boy a
pregnancy test.
Tsunade delivers the 'good' news, and all 500+
members of the cast cry tears of joy for the expectant parents,
including the Kyuubi, who somehow made this all possible, and
coincidentally gave Naruto a pair of adorable little kitsune ears.
No one addresses how he is supposed to take a shit over the course of the next nine months.
The End
ppplllzzz review ^_^

Author's note for One Small Kindness

---

Aaron Nowack

[Foxboy]

You left the best line out, man!

ALSO from "One Small Kindness"

And on a vastly more serious note…here is the next chapter of One Small Kindness: No assbabies...guaranteed.™

''We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat
them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.''

-- James Nicoll

[LilFluff]

"Chess? To compare The Game to chess would be like comparing all civilization to an amoeba. The stakes are far higher than creation itself, and the rules are more intricate and complex than the foundation of the world. Behold!"
"Gasp! It can't be! The Cosmic Game is D&D!?"
"Universes & Unrealities actually. 467 Billionth Edition, because baby wanted her way."
"Oh hush, you agreed to it."
"Okay, sorry, but I don't buy this at all! This is too silly!"
"Ugh, you mortals take everything you see so literally. You can't comprehend things on our level, so you've created a complex metaphor to handle it. These game books represent The Rules. The actual rules wouldn't be able to fit in something so crude sort of like your common chess metaphore but not so stupidly vague."
"What do the battle maps represent?"
"They represent the world, of course, and before you say anything, no, we did not make your world. There are an infinite number of low-order universes, so why make a new one when we can just pick what we like? Similarly, the dice represent fate and chance."
"What do the cans of soda represent?"
"They represent I'm thirsty so shut up!"
***
Fortunately, the DM shows up about then to handle the rules disputes the two cosmic powers are having with each other.
This from the webcomic Housepets! rather than fanfic, the page in question is here: The Truth, the Whole Truth (AKA: Cosmic Horrors play D&D)
But it may be better to start from the beginning so you know what's going on (other than cosmic powers playing with mortal pawns). I scarfed down the archives over several hours and promptly added the
comic to by feed reader upon reaching the then current page. The first page
is here: Housepets, page 1, it starts off looking like just a gag-a-day strip, but then things start happening...
-----

Will the transhumanist future have catgirls? Does Japan still exist? Well, there is your answer.

[Norgarth]

from an AnimeAddventure episode,
http://addventure.bast-enterprises.de/237340.html

Sighing, Ranma knew he was going to regret this immensely. Resigning himself to cleaning the woman, his hands, still holding the towels, slide his hands around her torso, moving along the rib-cage, right to the sternum.

Must not look, must not look, must not look... the pigtailed martial artist thought bitterly as he cleaned his mother. After all, who could resist their mother asking for help... aside from lonely men who ran hotels and liked drag?

He was not Konatsu!

“Sure, Mom,” he finally verbally replied. As he said such, his fingers dug deep into flesh, working to make them erase their tenseness! As a dutiful son, he would do what was necessary to save his mother, even from stress knots!

Sadly for him, Nodoka could direct him to fight those—or what she claimed was those—anywhere. “Ooooh... that’s it, my manly son...” the woman cooed. “A little higher, please... I have quite a bit that needs washing.”

Eyes watering—and not because there was soap in them—a resigned and soon to be mentally-scarred Ranma resigned himself to what needed to be done. His hands came up beneath his mother’s breasts, getting behind them and cleaning into where they were press against her chest.

The woman's moans were quite the happy sort. “Yes... j-just like that, Ranma... clean nicely and then clean over.”

Ignoring the growls he had come to associate with the Neko-Ken being crowded by new mental trauma demanding room, he continued to work, slowly inching upward.

Going higher, he worked to relieve her stress, and Kami help him, his middle right fingernail caught a nipple.

“OH YE~EEEAAAAH!”

And the Neko-Ken growled louder as it was pushed back to mental balcony seating.

“Oh, oh Ranma... just like that, just like THAT!” she praised him, raising her arms up and wrapping them behind his head, keeping her son pressed to her. “Please... work mommy’s tits... mommy has dirty, dirty breasts... make sure they’re nice and clean...”

Ranma whimpered, his hands continuing to move over his mother’s mammaries.

The woman smiled wider. “Ranma...” she cooed her son’s name.

The martial artist visibly shivered. Kami-sama, that was a seven! A SEVEN! It only got that bad when one of his rivals came at him with a new technique and/or power-up! “Y-yes?”

“Lose the towels and work the soap in with your hands...” she kissed his cheek. “Please.”

Feeling a bit of himself die on the inside—and the Neko-Ken run through the doors of the balcony seating and try to get past the popcorn vendors—he did as told. After all, Mommy knew best... and had a sharp sword to gut you like a tuna if she felt you weren’t being manly.

So, closing his eyes, uttering a prayer, and mentally repeating, ‘they’re just like mine’ Ranma dropped the wash cloth and... groped Mama

___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[LilFluff]

from an AnimeAddventure episode,
http://addventure.bast-enterprises.de/237340.html

O.O!
I'd say that the cast was clearly crazy, but we already knew that would be like saying the air in space was a bit thin...
Poor Neko-Ken getting crowded out like that.
From a whole big mass of "AAAAAAGH Not story posts!" on the Magical Lady Warrior Carter thread on Spacebattles. From a post by Whiskey Golf:

Now, what happens in the end? No trial on Earth. However the TSAB makes
peaceful contact with SGC and both parties agree to be reasonable. SGC
supplies Fate with defense counsel, and at the end of the trial, Fate is
released into the care of General Jack O'Neil as her Probation Officer.

A few years down the road, Fate will ask Jack a quiet question: "Can I call you Dad?"

And then many, many years later, during the StrikerS case, on account of
having being raised by O'Neil and Carter, Fate has a somewhat cheeky
suggestion to solving the Jail Problem:

"We could always blow the sun up," she suggested, smiling mischievously. "My mom's really good at that."

-----

Will the transhumanist future have catgirls? Does Japan still exist? Well, there is your answer.

[robkelk]

http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?562 ... st13941934]Shadowjack's watched episode 98... As usual, I'm not quoting all of the good lines.

Mina: "Don't look at me, I've worked hard to get this reputation for irresponsibility.

Usagi: "—which comes in an hour! Blah! And did I really need this cheap souvenir toy? No, no, I did not. I've learned a valuable lesson today."
Haruka: /pulls up on her city bike. "Hey, Twin-Tails, wanna lift?"
Usagi: "—a different valuable lesson than the one I'm supposed to learn. Yes, please!"

Usagi: (Okay, is this just puberty, or is it just me? Or is this what comes of being the Princess of Love? Rei gets fiery, Ami's all wet, and I fall in love at the drop of a ribbon.)

Yamada: "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?!"
Kaolinite: /laughs. "I'm not any kind of witch at all!" /throws a Daimon Seed at the motorcycle.

Haruka: "You run!"
Usagi: "No, you!"
Kaolinite: "Make up your damn minds, you're giving me a headache!"
Haruka: "Sailor Moon runs!"
Usagi: "Sailor Uranus runs!"
Haruka: "Moon runs!"
Usagi: "Uranus runs!"
Haruka: "Moon runs!"
Usagi: "Moon runs!"
Haruka: "Uranus runs!"
Usagi: "Moon runs!"
Haruka: "Uranus runs!"
Usagi: "Moon runs!"
Haruka: "LOOK, IF I SAY I'M GOING TO RUN—"
Kaolinite: "If I might interrupt—"
Usagi: "You keep out of this! She does not have to shoot you now!"

Tiren One: "Yeah, don't worry, boss."
Tiren Two: "Nobody could have survived that fall."
Kaolinite: /explodes in fury. "Stop making foolish remarks and go after the other two Sailors!

Kaolinite is smart... and genre-savvy.

Usagi: "I have a cunning plan: We'll practice a synchronized dance routine in here, which will give us the power of teamwork to beat the two Daimons. Do you know 'Moonlight Densetsu'?"
Haruka: "Never heard of it."

--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[drakensis]

Bjorn was ecstatic. He was being awoken to actually fight, nobody wanted him to tell stories about fucking Leman Russ, and not once so far had anyone referred to him by his Emperor-forsaken full title. This century was shaping up well so far! If this luck kept up, they’d be celebrating their upcoming victories in battle with a complete sacred machine-oil application administered by a pair of Adepta Sororitas –
“Uhm, mighty one? You sort of zoned out for a moment there… something about twins?”

“WHAT? NOTHING. WHEN DO WE FIGHT!?”

Bjorn's Happy End - which could also be termed 'Grand Theft Dreadnought'
D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.

[Proginoskes]

Not exactly fiction, but it's about one of the most celebrated contributor/character figures in Undocumented Features: the late, great, Derek "Sublieutenant Toozday" Bacon.

I give you the Anecdote Archive! This set of pages captures the essence of the man perfectly, as far as I can tell (never having met him myself). I'm reasonably sure it has a 3 AM Field of its own.

[Herr Bad Moon]

Taken from a tactical update in the Let's Play Battletech thread on Something Awful during a scenario where Clan Hell's Horses is assaulting a ComGuard (technically ROM since ComGuards don't exist yet) dropship in orbit.

I6 Champion attempts to dislodge swarming infantry, must succeed at a piloting test (4 base + 4 punching swarming infantry + 2 no hand or arm actuators = 10): rolled (3+2) 5, failed!
I6 Champion punches itself in the Head (6/9 armor remains)! Pilot hit!
I6 Champion attempts to dislodge swarming infantry, must succeed at a piloting test (4 base + 4 punching swarming infantry + 2 no hand or arm actuators = 10): rolled (6+3) 9, failed!
I6 Champion punches itself in the Center Torso (21/24 armor remains)!

Bonus hilarity in that this is the first time Clan Elementals have been seen, and previously only been referred to as < REDACTED> so people unfamiliar to BT would know true terror when they eventually did show up.
---
Jon
"And that must have caused my dad's brain to break in half, replaced by a purely mechanical engine of revenge!"

[yesilmavi]

(copied from a different forum.)

it seems that one of the topics over at AA went to what occurs to the more successful Keepers after they die

Pusakaruno

That's an interesting question. I'll let Mukrezar field that one:

"Your Malevolence, how did you enjoy your afterlife?"

"Not very much. Sitting on a throne of bone and listening to the endless laments of the damned gets old fairly quickly."

"Crowned Death did not subject you to the endless agonies of hell, Master?" the bearded imp sounded almost disappointed.

"Of course not. Imagine what would happen if some ambitious young necromancer, well on the path to becoming a Keeper, called up my tormented shade for a chat."

The butler didn't have to think long at all. "You would tell him that everything is fine and that he should continue on his chosen path without worries."

"Well, yes. But Crowned Death can't be sure about that, can he?"

[robkelk]

http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?578 ... -To-Heaven]Shadowjack's started a new thread... and has watched episoe 98

Usagi: "As a woman it is my sacred and solemn duty to squeal delightedly at anyone else starting a relationship while willfully ignoring any problems that I had in my own. To wit: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Rei: "¡Score! …¿Did you hear something just now? It sounded like a young man wailing in confused anguish, then throwing himself off the nearest bridge."
Haruka: "Oh, I hear that all the time, wherever I go. I think it's some exotic bird."

(Epsilon's "laugh out loud moment of this episode".)

Haruka: "See? Look, mister, please, stop! This is madness."
Yuichiro: "Madness? THIS. IS. ADOLESCENCE!" /trip crash.

--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Norgarth]

A new chapter of 'Sparkgate: Agatha and the Grasp of the Serpent God' has been posted to Spacebattles, and there are so many LOL moments, it's easier to just point at the whole chapter.
http://forums.spacebattles.com/showpost ... count=1320
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Jorlem]

From
Shadowjack's Evangelion fanworks thread.

Shadowjack wrote:

---

"Cave Johnson, here, speaking for the Committee! Now you, pilot, are a
member of the few, the proud, the elite. …Excuse me, wrong card, here.
You, pilot candidate, are in testing to become a member of
the few. Right now there a whole lot of you, and we've got to whittle
your numbers down to something manageable. So, get out there and show us
what you can do! Good luck, we're behind you all the way! Now our
sensors indicate the approach of what we like to call an 'Angel', so
step right along the yellow line there and proceed quickly to the next
station. If you're smoking, and given your age you shouldn't be, please
extinguish your butts before entering the next area. The special coolant
liquid in the tanks below you is perfectly safe, but it also perfectly
flammable. You should have seen what happened to the technicians who
discovered that little factoid. Heh! Now, to your right you will
see your Evangelion, NERV's newest anthromorphic, semi-autonomous combat
system, with a highly user-friendly interface and all the latest
defense systems, including our patented AT Field. I am not kidding when I
tell you that should you survive entry, you cannot be safer anywhere in
the world than in your Eva. Unfortunately, the files indicating which
unit goes with which pilot have been lost, so just pick your favorite
color and climb the ladder! Please report any unusual movements or
sensations as you enter the cockpit. Okay, now how come I can say,
'cockpit', but I can't—" *click*

and

Psychopomp wrote:

---

"Alright, gentlemen, I'll admit it. The Aperture Science Antarctic
Climate Change Confirmation Expedition didn't go as planned. As you may
be aware, we found a giant alien entity under the ice. Lab boys tell
me it was down there since the beginning of life on this planet as we
know it. Maybe longer. Now, you can't just let sleeping giants of
light lie, that's bad science! So our boys down south poked it with a
science stick, and boy did it not like that!

Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Cave,' says that little voice in
your heads, 'you wiped out half of humanity, why should we keep
listening to you?' First of all, let me just say that Legal says that I
shouldn't admit to wiping out half of anything, so I'm not. Second, we
at Aperture believe that one man's near-extinction event is every other
man's opportunity!

The bad news is that half of people are gone. Good riddance, says I!
Solved overpopulation neatly, now didn't it? Never hear anyone thanking
anyone for that! Also, the oceans may be ruined for the support of sea
life. Okay, not a problem. I always preferred beef anyway.

The good news is that the boys down south managed to secure what the lab
boys are calling a "viable genetic sample". One of the men stuck it in
an escape pod with his little girl. Only survivor, that girl. Helluva
man! Helluva father.

What this means is that Aperture can start right away on our latest
project: the Evangelion self-motive semi-autonomous humanoid weapon!
See, we figure where there's one giant monster that is able to nearly
destroy humanity, there's bound to be a few more! Got the studies right
here, pass 'em around. But I can go ahead and tell you, it's damn good
science. That's what we do.

So anyway, we're going to make a couple of clones from the sample we've
got, lobotomize them, slap some electronics and armor plating in there,
tart 'em up with some shiny paintwork, and by golly, no one will ever be
able to tell they're not giant robots! The public will feel safer and
we'll have something to fight the next exploding light bastard what
decides to empty out the ol' cradle.

I'm not going to sugar coat this, gentlemen. There's some kinks in the
system. For one, the things don't have souls, and the lab boys say
that's a problem. But hey, don't worry...all we need is for you to send
some of those fine folks at the Artificial Evolution Lab to coordinate
on this project. With their soul scanner doohickies and Aperture's
uncompromising drive toward new and better science, we'll figure out a
way to put a ghost in the machine, so to speak! Once we overcome the
no-naturally-developed-soul issue, we can start working out evaluation
criteria for future pilot candidates! Lab boys have been running
preliminaries and are coming up with an age range of 12 to 16. Legal is
having fits, but we'll pull off that end zone run around when we come
to it.

So there you have it, gentlemen. Aperture is proposing to clone the
monster than nearly killed us all to produce a soulless killing machine
sporting the deadliest military hardware piloted by emotionally
malleable children! And we're ready to pull the switch, as soon as we
get your go-ahead on the collaboration with the eggheads at Hakone.

So, are we ready to discuss funding grants here, or what?"

-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Foxboy]

*tears in eyes* EPIC!
''We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat
them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.''

-- James Nicoll

[HoagieOfDoom]

Not fanfiction, but an excerpt from David Hitt, Owen Garriott and Joe Kerwin's Homesteading Space: The Skylab Story:

In another memorable incident during the medical training, [Robert] Crippen broke his hand learning CPR. During training at Sheppard Air Force Base in Wichita Falls, Texas, the SMEAT [Skylab Medical Experiment Altitude Test] crewmembers were taught CPR techniques with a "Resuscitation Annie" training dummy. "Back in those days, they always had you whack the person on the chest before you started," Crippen said. "So I whacked the dummy." When he did, the trainers told him he needed to hit the patient much harder than than. "And I did, and I broke my fifth metacarpal! So don't have a heart attack around me."

[Jorlem]

But wait, there's more!  (From the same thread as earlier)

zakueins wrote:

---

"Cave Johnson here! Now, don't listen to that very convincing man from
Black Mesa. We both know they're a bunch of thieves that wouldn't know
Science if bit them on the ass and waved a flag. They might have all
sorts of neat proposals, but what would they make? A better
Angel-killing crowbar?

"Anyways, we have the first prototypes of the 'Dummy Plug' system here
and I'd have to say that it gives me a little thrill to think just how
well we did in making this. We used a lot of the technology that we
came up with for the 'ole AI core system and gosh damn it, it works very
well. Reliable, accurate, controllable, and does everything you can
want to have dead Angels. Okay, okay, the scientists are noting that
there's some 'unforeseen aggression issues', but we're creating
something that'll take any Angel and chew it up and spit it on out.
Makes me happy to know we got it right.

"Of course, we have to have the pilot there while it starts up, but
that's good-give the kid something to work towards, good example and all
that.

"So, Aperture can start deploying the first set of Plugs to your
operation ASAP, should have the next set delivered to the other
operation in a few months."

Ratoslov wrote

---

"Cave Johnson here, with devices to solve all your needs. Sure, Aperture
Science Self-Propelled Extraterrestrial Vehicular Anthroform, or EVA as
some of the lab boys like to call them, is excellent at killin' things.
And, I assure you, they love it. We've got charts and everything.

But I've gotten a few complaints about their range. Now, we're working
on the extension-cord problem, but for the moment we have the solution!
Behold: The Aperture Science Proton Pallet Rifle! Blam! Pure stopping
power. It's the same tried and true technology that Aperture Science has
been selling to third-world nations for decades, only designed for
giant armored killing machines instead of turret robots. Perfectly safe.

And to answer your next question, yes, we do take checks."

zakueins wrote:

---

"Cave Johnson here, with some exciting news! We're now coordinating all
of our efforts with Ackbar's Perfectly Safe Engineering to develop all
sorts of new technology for these great days of Science!

"Anyways, we've got a new device to use with your EVAs. This is our
prototype Progression Knife-which uses a very cunningly designed core
that combines Repulsion and Propulsion gels in very carefully mixed
quantities. Add electricity, and that blade'll heat up to over ten
thousand degrees Fahrenheit-damn near cut through anything.

"As you can see, if the blade segment grows dull, it'll automatically
break off and advance the next section. Don't worry about those
detached segments, the lab boys tell me as long as nobody tries to eat,
drink, or inhale any of the fumes it generates, there shouldn't be a
problem.

"Well, as you can see, besides your usual payment (thanks, Caroline), we
need you to sign this document that releases us from any liability from
problems with our equipment."

-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Norgarth]

Another Sparkgate update, including this little bit of hilarity:

"Okay, kiddies, down the yellow brick road we go," Jack O'Neill said. "Before you step in, remember, click your shoes three times and say 'Auntie 'Em'."
"That is a complicated identification code, Jack O'Neill," Teal'c observed. He inclined his head to Agatha. "I have been instructing your Prime in the duties of the office. He is a very attentive student."
*DING!* Prime saluted the repliclanks with his miniature galvaic screwdrive. *BRING KREE*
"That's eerie, Teal'c," Carter said. "You have an R2 unit for a Mini-Me."
"R2D2 was a valuable member of the Rebel Alliance," Teal'c replied.

___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[robkelk]

http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?578 ... st13986650]And, with episode 100, Shadowjack is halfway through Sailor Moon... and writes a much, much better episode than the one that was actually aired.

But this is a ROFL thread, not a literary criticism thread, so... on with (some of) the funny lines!

Artemis: "I've run all available data upon the recent incidents through the V-computer, including combat output of the enemy fighters, material analysis of the seed cases left behind, distribution of attacks as correlated with city demographics, and advanced astrological divination techniques, and turned up precisely Richard."

Asai, generic junior high hunk: "Crap! Sorry, Mina! …Did your cat just talk?"
Minako and Artemis: "No."
Asai: "Oh, okay."

Kaolinite: "Tea's ready!"
Kaolinite: "Um…"
Kaolinite: /very shy and tiny voice. "…I also baked cookies?"
The Professor: "COOKIES ARE IRRELEVENT! ONLY SCIENCE!"
Kaolinite: /is crushed, as are her cookies.
The Professor: "…and hot tea."
The Professor: "The tea is also Science."

[size=smaller](Oh, yes – considering this is post #299 in this ROFL thread, it might be time to start a new one.)[/size]
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012