ROTFL: MAO!

[SCM Writer of 2814]

I'll work on it. Though I can't see how it ends with her turning GIR to scrap...
--------------------------------------
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Takamachi Nanoha of 2814- Green Lantern Nanoha. To START! Now with a TvTropes page!
FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814- The Fifth Holy Grail War with Magical Girl Prisma Illya, in the DCAU, from the above story.
Magical Girl Magistra Erebea Molly- the world's first Dresden Files/TvTropes Crossover.
VENGEANCE! The Musical! The Story of Uchiha Sasuke

[Jorlem]

Well, that's how GIR started out, so...
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[SCM Writer of 2814]

Pardon, but I didn't want to post his on FFnet just yet since I'm waiting for the last chapter to milk more reviews. Still, I did promise Jorlem this, so...

A/N:
To Jorlem, who kept on asking…

 

........................................

 

C.R.A.C.C. Dating Service

by
Shadow Crystal Mage

 

Chapter
3: Dating Lives of the Axe-Crazy

 

Disclaimer:
None of the characters here are mine. They’re just being set up on weird dates
for fun. ENJOY!

 

........................................

 

It
was the café again.

She
sat on several phone books to reach the tabletop, while he did the same. “So,”
she said, taking a swig of her beer. “What do you?”

“I
LiKE jAM!” he cried, tongue sticking out and head spinning a couple of times.

She
gave him a flat look. He reached into his head. “MONKEYS!”

“That’s
a loaf of bread,” she said. She could feel her fingers twitching…

 

........................................

 

Meanwhile, a table over…

She
sat primly in her chair, wearing her best dress and daintily sipping her tea, listening
politely to her date.

“–
and so I swore vengeance on him,” he was saying. “I rose through ninja academy
like a star, even though I was being held back by idiots on both sides, all so I
could have the power to kill him!”

“Sounds
hot,“ she said, and it was. It was very hot.

He
glared at her. “Hot? Hot? There’s
nothing ‘hot’ about it! It is cold vengeance against the evils he had done to
the Uchiha Clan…” and he was off again.

She
sighed, and sipped her tea. She’d have thought that someone who was this driven
to kill someone and willing to kill anyone in his way would be just her kind of
date now that Setsuna-sempai– inner-her burst into tears– had left her, but he
was so boring! He talked about it so
much, and while she wasn’t against conversation, he didn’t say one thing about
those he’d killed! She was seriously losing her murder boner…

 

........................................

 

“FLOWErs
foR you!” Gir cried, hitting her on the head with a sea turtle.

Chachazero
twitched, staring at her beer bottle and wondering why she hadn’t asked Chamo
on this date instead. Stupid dating service.

“Under
Chassis!” he cried, the top of his head popping open as his lips puckered to kiss
her.

“Oh,
that’s it,” Chachazero cried, pulling
out her big-ass sword with her name on it…

 

........................................

 

Tsukuyomi
looked up from her cup of tea to see someone horribly tearing apart heir date
into scrap using a blade bigger than she was.

BA-BUMP!

It
was love at first sight.

The
boy was still talking, so she stabbed him in the heart and cut downward to his
groin to shut him up as she stood, entranced at what she saw.

“Wow…”
she said.

Chachazero
looked up and saw the girl staring at her.

BA-BUMP!

It
was love at first sight.

“Hey…”
Chachazero said.

“Hey…”
Tsukuyomi said.

“Wanna
see the town?”

“Sure!”

 

........................................

 

“This
is day 3 of the Great Tokyo Massacre,” the newscaster said. “The death told has
just reached five digits and still climbing. Police are powerless against the seemingly
unstoppable duo, forcing the Prime Minister to request assistance from Green
Lantern-chan and her sidekick Ferret Lantern.  They have engaged the two, and the deathtoll
has ceased, though collateral damage is now said to be in the billions. In
other news, Uchiha Sasuke was found dead, to much rejoicing, though his
supporters claim this was all according to plan and his death is simply an
illusion to lower our guard…”

 

........................................

 

- To be continued...

 

........................................

 

A/N:
I figured I’ll see how much Negima I can stick into each chapter…

Please
review, C&C welcome.

Until
next time, this is Shadow, signing off.

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Takamachi Nanoha of 2814- Green Lantern Nanoha. To START! Now with a TvTropes page!
FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814- The Fifth Holy Grail War with Magical Girl Prisma Illya, in the DCAU, from the above story.
Magical Girl Magistra Erebea Molly- the world's first Dresden Files/TvTropes Crossover.
VENGEANCE! The Musical! The Story of Uchiha Sasuke

[Jorlem]

Thanks.

Sorry if I was bugging you. I didn't intend to do that.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[SCM Writer of 2814]

No worries. After all, persistence can get even God to change His mind. It's Church Canon.
--------------------------------------
I am the LORD OF THE CRACK!
Check out said crack:
Takamachi Nanoha of 2814- Green Lantern Nanoha. To START! Now with a TvTropes page!
FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814- The Fifth Holy Grail War with Magical Girl Prisma Illya, in the DCAU, from the above story.
Magical Girl Magistra Erebea Molly- the world's first Dresden Files/TvTropes Crossover.
VENGEANCE! The Musical! The Story of Uchiha Sasuke

[Jorlem]

"Classic Sette!" Wendi said, laughing joyfully. "Man, this was so worth the death of Mr. McGnome."
"Don't tell Subaru that. She's gonna be heartbroken." Ginga Nakajima said dryly.
"Eh,
I never understood what she saw in that thing. Always sitting around
below skirt-level, I bet he was a total pervert. And he was always smiling.
Like he was all smug about his gnome magic, living in a garden in a
hollowed-out stump and talking with the moles all day. You know what?
That little bastard had it coming, the way he judged me all the time
with his smirk and his probing eyes!" Wendi said. "You hear that, gnome?
I'm glad Sette killed you, and you can rot in Hell!"
"Okay,
first rule of acting like a normal person?" Nove said, pulling me
upstairs to, for some reason, change me into far less efficient
clothing. "Don't be like Wendi."

From Ready, Sette, Go! chapter 4.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[ECSNorway]

Uchibi Sasuke:

When Naruto grew up, he replaced his orange jumpsuit with an orange-and-black tiger-themed ‘really cool robe-thing’ Hinata had sewn him, with little tinkling bells. It was very warm and padded but made out of some ninja fabric that got rid of sweat and so on.

His stealth skills became so legendary that future generations of Konoha student ninja doing stealth training in regulation orange were told to stop complaining how hard this was making it to hide, the Sixth Hokage had strolled right into Akatsuki headquarters wearing an orange bathrobe with bells on.

…and actually, yes, between the suiton jutsu and crater caused by the epic battle it actually had been uphill both ways through the snow.

--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[SCM Writer of 2814]

From Endless Dream:

Lancer opened the fridge.

"..."

Kotomine Kirei stared at Lancer. For the past ten minutes he had been looking through the pantry, cupboards, and now the fridge.

"..." Lancer turned and stared at him. "Hey, you." He pointed at Kirei, "We're out of milk, bread, ham, and pocky."

"...why is the pocky important?"

"Hey, I've grown to like it."

So sue me, I think pocky is funny...

"The Master isn't a threat." Rin pointed out, "The Servant is."
"Good point." Archer appeared in corporal form, "Though I kind of stand out."
Rin shrugged, "If anyone asks, you're into cosplay." She grinned.
"..." Archer glared at her.

"Hello." Archer said, waving.
"...hello." Saber narrowed her eyes.
"Rin told me to keep an eye on you." Archer sat down on a bench.
They were across the street from the school.
"Is that all?" Saber asked.
"Yes,
that's all." Archer rolled his eyes, "Oh, wait, I'm secretly planning
to attack you. In broad daylight. In front of a school. While sitting
on a bench. You got me Saber, you're a sharp one."
Saber sighed, "Fine." She sat down next to him.
Several minutes of silence followed.
"Soooooo..." Archer said, "How're things with Shirou?"
"Oh, they're fine." Saber said, "And you with Rin?"
"Peachy."
"I see."
More silence.
Then Lancer walked past them, a McDonalds bag in his left hand.
"...what?" Archer asked.
"Huh?" Lancer looked to the side, "Oh, hi Saber!" He waved. "...and Archer." He said much more dourly.
"Um, Lancer, what are you doing?" Saber was beginning to wonder if the entire Holy Grail War was showing up at this school.
"I wanted breakfast. So I got an Egg McMuffin." Lancer answered honestly.
"..." Saber stared.
"..." Archer stared
"What?"

Shirou walked out of the school, the day had been ordinary. All that remained was to see if Saber was...
"...what?" Shirou stared.
Saber,
Archer, and Lancer were sitting on a bench across the street. A literal
pile of garbage; Bags, food wrappers, paper cups, bottles, sat around
them.
They were currently eating pizza.
"This is good!" Saber took a bite of it.
"I think I had something like this one time I was bumming around in Rome." Lancer grinned.
"Pizza was invented in Italy, which is where the Roman Empire once stood." Archer picked up a slice.
"I knew the bastards would be shut down one day!" Lancer laughed.
"..." Shirou decided he must be dreaming. That was the only logical explanation for this.
"Archer..."
Rin stood behind him.
Yup, a dream.
"What the hell are you doing!"
"..I'm eating pizza." Archer said.
No,
wait, scratch that. Shirou remembered that he only dreams of swords,
fire, and the occasional weird flashback since getting Saber. So this
is real.
"Somehow that makes it worse." Shirou sighed.
"Oh hey, your Masters are here." Lancer waved, "Hey Miss, hey Kid, what's up?"
"..." Rin's eye twitched, "Archer, why is Lancer here?"
"He was getting lunch."
"...and then?"
"Well,
he started going off to buy us food. But then we got hungry again, and
so he went off to get more and eventually we just ended up trying every
food we could." Saber explained.
"It makes perfect sense." Shirou said. "Well, OK, not really."
"Why,
God, did you curse me with this?" Rin asked the heavens. "Is it because
I practice magic while still going to church once in a while? Is that
it? Do I offend you?"

--------------------------------------
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Magical Girl Magistra Erebea Molly- the world's first Dresden Files/TvTropes Crossover.
VENGEANCE! The Musical! The Story of Uchiha Sasuke

[Jorlem]

"Bender doesn't know who Kira is?" Hermes cried upon
overhearing the conversation as he walked by. He was a few minutes ahead
of his deadline, so he decided he could stop for a few minutes to help
the Professor better inform Bender.
"Oh, jeez," Bender whined.
"Kira
was a important spiritual leader during the twenty first century who
rid the world of crime, war, and taught us how to love again," the
Professor explained.
"So, this guy was basically the Jesus of the twenty first century?" asked Bender.
"Exactly!"
shouted Hermes, "Except instead of using kindness and carpentry to
bring the world together, he chose murder and malice!"
"Like a true American hero!" added the Professor.

From Programs of a Lesser God, chapter 2.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Florin]

Alright, Root. That does it. All the other stuff, I could handle in time. But now I have to worry about having unauthorized porn of me circling the country as well?"

"Derflinger," I spoke up, interrupting the budding negotiations and drawing surprised attention to me by the sudden seriousness of my tone. "I've decided on a course of action."

"Oh?" the sword managed to get out, still snickering at the scene it had just witnessed. "What might that be?"

"I've decided that I shall slaughter the innocent," I told it bluntly.

"Wait, what?" Louise yelped, surprised by my sudden bloodthirstiness. Montmorency began to look very nervous indeed, and hid behind Guiche completely this time.

"I shall murder all who stand in my way, sparing none, until my name is synonymous with fear itself, thus cementing my status as an Anti-Hero," I continued, outlining my plan to the blade that suddenly wasn't giggling anymore. "Then, once my reign of terror is finally ended, I shall wait patiently at the Throne of Heroes for however how long it takes until one of the infinite realities that exist that still performs the ritual of the Holy Grail War summons me forth. Then, I shall resume killing all around me until my blood stained hands hold the Holy Grail itself. Once I have the all powerful artifact, I shall use it to force the Root of the World, the well spring of all creation, to assume a human male form in my presence." I paused dramatically, picturing the scene as it would be. "And then I'm going to kick it in the balls so hard that all of reality will simultaneously feel it."

"Um," Derflinger started, not sure of what to say to that. "That's…that's good, Partner." It paused. "I think."

"Thank you," I told it politely, my hand moving up to hold to wrap around its hilt. "And I shall start, with this academy." I turned grimly to face the castle proper, preparing to march off and commence my new found quest.

"No!" Louise instantly shouted, looking very worried. "No killing the innocent, Shirou!"

From Hill of Swords, Chapter 17
--
If you become a monster to put down a monster you've still got a monster running around at the end of the day and have as such not really solved the whole monster problem at all. 

[Jorlem]

He tossed it to Toph instead. "You look responsible, my dear. Bring me back something from the Rumble." She heard Bumi's tongue slather around his lips. "Candy floss sounds delicious. I'd go myself but somebody has to keep an eye on that Long Feng fellow, make sure he doesn't pocket any of the cutlery."

From chapter 12 of The Fun and Perky Warrior's Wolf Tail.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Shepherd]

Ritsuko scoffed. "Stop Insana? How do you stop him? How would you stop him? Give me some credit. I managed to scrap the nuttier stuff."
"Like the tails and the giant fins?" Misako asked.

"And the chest missiles. And of course I managed to pull the rocket punch off the design... and the nuclear reactor. Bastard almost snuck the chain guns past me."

"You're joking?" Misako asked.

"Please... tell me you're joking," Kiko added.

"I'm not even telling you the worst stuff he tried." Ritsuko gave a bitter laugh and opened her desk to retrieve her leather flask caddy. "You'd never believe that."

"But... chest... missiles?" Kiko looked down.

"You know your father. Are you the least bit surprised?" Ritsuko asked opening up a flask.

And If That Don't Work? www.fanfiction.net/s/4673040/8/
----------------------------------------------------

"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV

[Jorlem]

"-and after the city returned to its standard configuration, NERV
released a single video for Internet release. According to the UN, this
is not the official report submitted to the Security
Council, but is rather something released for the public in general. Cue
the tape."
The screen darkened. When it came back, Shinji nearly collapsed from shock. "Uh... buh... wha?"
His
father was in front of a running shower, wearing only a gray towel
around his waist... and, of course, his orange shades. Most people would
have been impressed by the lean yet muscular physique, but Shinji was
too busy wondering what in the world is father was doing!
And then, heaven help him, his father spoke.
"Hello ladies. Look at your man. Now look at me. Now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me. But if your man quit his job to sign up with NERV, then he too could be a part of the organization that just saved the world. Look down."
Gendo looked down, right as the scenery fell away to reveal the Tokyo-3
skyline. Simultaneously, his cloak slammed into him from off-screen;
when it flared open, it was tied around his neck, and he was clad in his
normal uniform (which included pants, thank goodness). "Back up. Where are you?" The wind blew, and the towel went flying away. "You're on top of one of Tokyo-3's defense platforms, with the man YOUR man could be working for. Look at your hand." He reached into his cloak. "Back at me." He withdrew his hand, holding a Desert Eagle pistol. "I have it. It's a one-to-one scale variant of the handgun that was used to kill the Angel." He tossed the handgun up. "Look again." A handheld PDA of sorts landed in his hand. "The handgun is now a VIDEO MONTAGE."
Gendo
pressed the PDA's screen against the camera lens. Select footage from
Unit-01's battle with the Third Angel played; in particular, the clips
used were of Unit-01's initial uppercut that sent the Angel flying, the
Evangelion's thrust kick that freed it from Sachiel's clutches, the
firing of the Mark II handgun against the core, and the final punch that
finally cracked the Angel's core. Accompanying this montage was a
screaming death metal tune; as the guitars growled and the drums
pounded, red text blinked on and off, saying 'DISCLAIMER: YEAAAAAAAAAH!'.
Just
as suddenly as it had begun, the PDA was pulled away, revealing Gendo
Ikari once more. His cloak was fluttering in the wind, and the sound of
an engine could be heard. "Join NERV today, and not only would you be working for the organization that just saved the world, but I would be your boss. And really, isn't that what everyone wants?" The camera panned back, revealing that Gendo was in fact standing on top of Misato's motorcycle. In motion.
Despite the speed, he was utterly implacable, not even budging or
tilting. The windswept purple hair indicated that Lieutenant Colonel
Katsuragi was, in fact, the driver. "I'm standing on top of a motorcycle being driven by a hot woman."
The camera stopped moving, still following the motorcycle as it sped
off into the distance. The logo of NERV – a bisected leaf of red with
the word NERV underneath, complete with a small caption that read 'SAVING THE WORLD FROM ALL WHO THREATEN IT' – appeared, accompanied by a whistling jingle.

From Mobile Fighter Evangelion, chapter 4.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Black Aeronaut]

Jorlem wrote:

---

DISCLAIMER: YEAAAAAAAAAH!

From Mobile Fighter Evangelion, chapter 4.

 *Dies Laughing* 

[Jorlem]

And though neither of them knew it at the time, they
had just ensured that the plans of basically every single person in the
conflict to come were going to go completely wrong. Except Rin. Her
plans went wrong just fine without any outside help.

From Chaos Theory, chapter 2.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Shepherd]

Ever since Harry had started worrying that plants might also be sentient, his non-Ravenclaw components had been having trouble taking his moral caution seriously. Hufflepuff was shouting Cannibalism! every time Harry tried to think about any food item whatsoever, and Gryffindor would visualize it screaming while he ate it, even if it was, say, a sandwich -

Cannibalism!

AIIIEEEE DON'T EAT ME -

Ignore the screams, eat it anyway! It's a safe place to compromise your ethics in the service of higher goals, everyone else thinks it's okay to eat sandwiches so you can't use your usual rationalization about a small probability of a large downside if you get caught -

Harry gave a mental sigh, and thought, Just so long as you're okay with us being eaten by giant monsters that didn't do enough research into whether we were sentient.

I'm okay with that, said Slytherin. Is everyone else okay with that? (Internal mental nods.) Great, can we go back to deep-fried Diracawl slices now?

Not until I've done some more research into what's sentient and what isn't. Now shut up. And Harry turned firmly away from his plate full of oh-so-tempting vegetables to head toward the library -

Just eat the students, said Hufflepuff. There's no doubt about whether they're sentient.

You know you want to, said Gryffindor. I bet the young ones are the tastiest.

Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality: www.fanfiction.net/s/5782108/48/Harry_P ... ationality
----------------------------------------------------

"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV

[Jorlem]

He'd been stabbed through the heart by a large scary blue man with a
spear. He had, somehow, survived this. How he had not died, he had no
idea; all he knew for certain was that the scary man had decided to
follow him home and kill him again to see if it stuck this time.

From chapter 3 of Chaos Theory.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Jorlem]

Probably not. Such self-doubt, such fear and ability
to contemplate the future, was always a Lilim trait. And the Lilim had
already put thought into this. If the AT-Field is the barrier of the
Ego, the separation that keeps all minds apart, the Light of the Soul,
then what does that make an awareness that appears to lack one?
"Awwww
yeah!" Ivy suddenly shouted, punching a fist in the air, much to the
surprise of the others. "You know what'd be totally swee~eeeeet? We
should steal Aunty Zyuu's badger-things, and drop them on the crystal
stuff!" She paused, as the other five artificial intelligences stared at
her avatar, rather confused by the utter non-sequitur. "No, wait. We
should drop them, and I should be ridin' them, and I can use my
rocket-boosters to steer the badger-things and then all the crystals
will be screaming and there'll be awesome lightning stuff and... I know!
If we also take the bear-armour, we can strap them to the badgers!
That'll make everything even more killy, plus hugs from the inside are
cooo~ooool, plus we can send the pictures back for the Aunties' Mark IIs
so that the totally sweet plans can be refined and made betterer, and
stuff! Ooooh! Ooooh! Ooooh!"
One might say 'crazy', but that would
be wrong, because that was a perfectly normal statement for most of her
relatives on her mother's side. Including her mother.
Could it be, maybe, that she was too sane?
"And...
and, also, while we're there? We can go blow up all the clouds!" She
pouted slightly. "I still haven't forgiven them for hittin' me with
lightning!"
No. Excess sanity was not one of her problems.

From Nobody Dies: Six AIs, One Continent, chapter 11.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[drakensis]

Lex sighed, "What did I tell you about underestimating my intelligence? The Robin kid works for The Batman. The Batman works for you. The guy you have in the costume might be on the ball for the most part, but you're the driving force. You give him his marching orders. Of course, he's going to hand the data to you."

Bruce shook his head and gave an exasperated chuckle. "Lex your assertion is absurd. If I'm the Batman's boss, who is the Batman supposed to be?"

"You've had several." Lex replied finally. "I still haven't figured out who the first one was, but my suspicion is that he ended up becoming the Joker. The rumors about the Joker's origin said that he was in the Red Hood outfit when he was stopped by the Batman and ended up accidentally falling into a vat of toxic chemicals which drove him nuts. But it was just the two of them there... and the Red Hood's never been a specific person. It was a criminal persona that had been passed around. I posit that the Red Hood got away clean and it was the Batman who fell into the chemicals. It's why Joker's always been so obsessed with the Batman. He wants to be the Bat again."

Bruce stared at him, completely dumbfounded. Lex had him. Bruce could try to lie, but the expression on his face told Lex everything he needed to know. He had to press the advantage. He needed the support Wayne had at his fingertips. Lex continued. "Right after his accident, I suspect your second one was Harvey Dent. On top of his own impressive laundry list of mental issues, making him your second number two, must've helped spark something when his mind broke after they maimed him in court."

"Now look here, Lex... Harvey and I were friends, but that doesn't mean-"

"After that," Lex spoke over him, "You switched gears. Your first two Batmen were no doubt good men who'd been broken by what they went through, so you tried someone who was already broken. You picked a petty thug named Matches Malone."

"I've never even heard of this Malone-"

"Which actually made him perfect for your purposes. Petty criminal. Low rent, low life thug. No links to you. No reason for you to care about him... if he broke, then you could find someone else to replace him." Lex grinned, "Except third time was the charm. He turned out to be extremely good at the job. You set a thief to catch thieves and it worked. Except for a brief period in the 90's when some maniac stole the costume away from him, Malone's been your personal superhero for years now."

Inviolate
D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.

[Bluemage]

Sorry, drakensis.  You picked the wrong section.

"Notice how quiet it's been in Gotham lately?" Lex asked with a grin.
"What did you do?" Bruce asked darkly.
"I
made arrangements." He glanced down at his watch. "As of twenty minutes
ago, Joker should have checked himself back into Arkham demanding that
they lock him up for the rest of his life."
"What?" Bruce almost shot to his feet.
"There
were defects in the original Lazarus pits engineered by the Manhunters
and designed to drive Ra's Al Ghul progressively mad. I had access to
the Manhunters' database and the method for correcting those defects."
Lex said casually. It was actually much more complex than he'd hinted
at, but they did not need to know that right now. "I had Ra's replaced
with an impostor to keep the League of Assassins in check after I drove
him sane."
Bruce looked as though he were ready to have an aneurysm. "You drove Ra's sane?"
"And
took over the League of Assassins." Lex said, stealing his drink back
to take a sip. "The real Ra's is in a sanitarium in upstate New York
recovering. He's had a rough century."
"How does Joker fit into this then?" Bruce asked tightly.
"I
wanted to see how well the perfected Lazarus pit could work." Lex said,
keeping his voice cool. He was doing his best not to make it too
obvious how terribly it had affected him, "I simply chose the craziest
individual I knew. I told him it would drive him sane. He said he wanted
to see it try. I bet him a Klondike bar that it would do it."
"And?"
"He came out crying, perfectly sane, remembering everything he's done with perfect clarity."
Bruce winced. "My God."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5536346/15/Inviolate

---

My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Brother Atom Bomb of Courteous Debate. Get yours.

I've been writing a bit.

[Jorlem]

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[drakensis]

"Okay, Naruto, I admit that trying to gather information about me was a good idea, but you also need to use the information you get. When you hear there are cults devoted to me forming around here, you do not draw attention to me. That is just blatant stupidity. We do not want cultists popping out from everywhere to start following us. That will not end well."

When Sasuke and Sakura realized they couldn't open their mouth to talk because it was already hanging wide open, they responded to the most disturbing piece of information they had heard.

"Ah ha! I knew it! You really are a demon!"

Sasuke's statement was made with an air of finality, as if it had been proven beyond all doubt.

"Sensei... You have cults devoted to you? Why?"

The misery consuming her in Sakura's question was clearly audible.

"Sensei... You actually went as far as blowing a giant hole through the Hokage Monument just to show people they need to make me the Fifth Hokage already? *sniff* I can't believe I actually thought you were a demon like that jerk Sasuke! I'm going to make the most awesome cult worshiping you! Believe it!"

Ranma couldn't suppress a miserable groan at how things were spiraling out of control.

'One of my students thinks I'm a demon, another is having a mental breakdown, and the third wants to form a Ninja-cult worshiping me. When I find whatever Kami is responsible for this, their pain will never end.'

This time, Ranma avoided thinking that this couldn't get worse. She knew it would.

Late Arrival
D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.

[Jorlem]

Harry presented an odd sight as he made his entrance into the Great
Hall on the first day of the third week of class. On his left shoulder
sat his owl, Hedwig who was occupied by shooting predatory gazes at the
extremely nervous chicken on his right shoulder.
It was Hermione
that broke the silence, unable to contain her curiosity. "Why do you
have a chicken on your shoulder, Harry?" She really hoped that this
wouldn't be a repeat of the tattoo conversation.
"I don't have a
chicken on my shoulder," Harry snapped. "And I think that you owe Hedwig
an apology for confusing her for a chicken."
"Preck!" the owl agreed.
"I
wasn't talking about Hedwig." Hermione sighed, it was going to be one
of those days. "I was talking about the bird on your other shoulder."
"You mean my new phoenix?" Harry asked, shooting the bird a pride filled look.
Hermione closed her eyes and counted to ten. "That's a chicken, Harry."
"He's a phoenix, Hermione." Harry took the bird off his shoulder and waved it in the girl's face. "See?"
"Phoenixes
are on fire and why does that bird smell strongly of naphtha?"
Hermione's eyes widened in shock. "Don't you dar . . ."
Harry ignited the naphtha and watched proudly as the flaming panicking chicken ran back and fourth. "You were saying?"
"A burning chicken is not a phoenix," Hermione said flatly.
"But the flames aren't hurting him," Harry protested. "That's definite phoenix behavior."
"Casting a flame freezing charm on a chicken before setting it on fire still doesn't make it a phoenix," Hermione said firmly.
"You're just jealous that I have a phoenix and you don't," Harry sniffed.

And later...

"I . . ." Hermione closed her eyes as another wave of
stupidity washed over her. "I think you should pull Hedwig off of your
'phoenix' unless you know where you can find another one."
"No, Hedwig!" Harry said firmly, pulling his owl off the traumatized chicken. "Bad owl. You can not eat my phoenix."
"Preck!" Hedwig cursed. Foiled again.
"But
if you absolutely must sate your hunger for the flesh of an immortal
magical bird, then eat the one Dumbledore has in his office. This one is
mine."
"Preck!" Hedwig cheered. The owl launched herself off of Harry's shoulder and soared out of the Great Hall.
She
returned a couple hours later looking a bit plumper then normal at
which time the owl reclaimed her normal spot and promptly fell asleep on
Harry's shoulder. Where she was and what she was doing is probably
unimportant and not worth expanding upon at all.
"Hello, Harry," a distracted looking Headmaster greeted the boy. "You haven't seen Fawkes, have you?"

Also:

"Hey, look out the window," Sirius called out. "You ever see so many Aurors in one place before?"
"Nope, wonder what they want?" Harry scratched his chin. "Sirius?"
"Yeah, Harry?"
"We ever get around to clearing your name?"
". . . . guess that explains the Aurors," Sirius said thoughtfully. "Sevvy, you provide a distraction while I escape."
Sevvy gave his partner in crime a drunken thumbs up before lurching off to do god knows what.

From Rorschach's Blot's Odd Ideas #112.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.

[Wiregeek]

Whether Drakensis picked the wrong section or not, it got me to read the fic.
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies

[HoagieOfDoom]

This might just be the funniest typo I've ever seen.

[Asuka] doesn't press a button, the cab instead rising to the third floor. She waits for the doors to open, musing on how with the exception of her boyfriend and a 60 meter tall artificial god, everyone in Shinji's boyfriend is apparently insane.