ROTFL: The comeback

[drakensis]

Opposite the navy, between the mechanicus and the officers of the guard and spilling down to crowd the space around the main display, there was what appeared to the biggest gaggle of criminal scum, glowering maniacs and gibbering lunatics I had ever seen outside of a penal legion. In other words, the assembled representatives of His Majesty’s Holy Inquisition.

Commissar Ciaphas Cain is in rare form in A Squelch of Empires
D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.

[Bob Schroeck]

Guys, please take Harry Potter discussion relevant to DW8 to a thread in Future Steps.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Evil Midnight Lurker]

OldKentuckyShark's original reaction to excessively impassioned supporters of Obama, that gave rise to the Obamadammerung:

"Also, according to rumor, a single tear from Obama's cheek can slay demons and cure vilitigo and impetigo. His
stride is as of a titan's, seven leagues at a time, and while he holds a microphone in his hand he canst take no mortal wound wound nor shed a single
drop of his own blood. He speaks the native tongue of birds, and converses happily with all beasts of hoof and paw, even to the lowliest vole and marmot.
Gracious as the kings of old, Obama carries no money nor answers unkind word with like. Peonies spring up where his feet trod, and were he to lay his weary
head upon the ground a mighty cedar, like unto the old father trees of Bsharri and Barouk, would spring forth to shade his noble brow. In the elven tongue he
is Lothlornienel, with means "Laughter in the High Places", and the dwarves call him earthfriend, as well as "Khazad ak Manu", which
means "He who does not wear patriotic lapel pins." His is the drill that shall pierce the heavens: believe in him
believing in you! The Neocons speak of him in hushed tones in their shadowed, dusty halls, and refer to the ancient scrolls of the fallen empire of
Mnem, which foretells of the coming of the Dusky Childe, who shall scourge their number from the halls and rotundas and tear down the altars in the high
places and bring the three terrible plagues of Health Care and White Guilt and Political Transparency. They say that he will travel to Shibboleth - where the
heart of Karl Rove is kept, inanimate, inside a Canopic jar - and break the seals and feast upon the contents therein: and with the power thus consumed he
will erect a throne of jade and jasper and lapus lazuli, and rule upon it, and the thunderous gnashing of teeth from the Red States will play Hail to the
Chief as he ascends the dais."

(Emphasis mine.)

--Sam

"For Obama weeps tears of molten gold."

[Wiregeek]

O_o
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies

[Bob Schroeck]

I like it. Nicely overdone.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[David Lewis]

Another few scenes from Fetish? What's a Fetish? - http://www.fanfiction.net...4/1/Fetish_Whats_A_Fetish

----------------------------------

The copy ninja rubbed the spot on his arm, "You know, Naruto, when you asked me what Hinata might want from you for her birthday, and I said sex, it
was mostly a joke. I thought you would get it, and we'd just have a quick laugh."

"See? 'Mostly' a joke. That means that you think a part of her does want me to give her sex. I mean, I don't want to get her a crappy
present she doesn't want. She's always so nice to everybody, so I should get her something really good!" Naruto pumped a fist into the air,
"Besides, I bet Lee my gift would be better, so I need to give her the best thing I can think of!"
"Well, you would definitely win that bet
if...ugh, wait! Naruto, no! I was just kidding, so let it go."

--------------------------------------

Shikamaru Nara spotted his two friends, and hurried up to them from behind only to hear Naruto say, "I'm never gonna leave you alone if you don't
tell me where to get some sex!" He quickly wheeled around, and made off in the opposite direction. That was a little too troublesome to become a part of.

---------------------------------------

Question: What is sex? Answers received:

Old lady selling umbrellas on the street: "Sex is a dirty, dirty thing that you must never, ever do! You'll get diseases!"

Information obtained: Sex is an activity, and will result in sickness.

Mr. Ichiraku: "What? Is that why you keep coming here? Naruto, if you ever so much as touch Ayame, I'll cut off your hands and any other appendages
that may or may not have touched her! Do you understand?"

Information obtained: Sex involves touching, and makes men very, very mad. It would appear to involve a girl, because Mr. Ichiraku didn't seem
concerned for himself, at all.

Ayame, about five seconds later: "Hey, leave him alone! Naruto, sex is what a man and a woman do when they love each other. They...uh...well, they kind
of...get naked and, uh...start bouncing around...do you understand? Oh, forget it, just get out of here before I get mad!"

Information obtained: Sex definitely involves girls, possibly one girl and one boy at a time. You must be naked to do sex, it sounded. Then you bounce
around, thus engaging in the sex. Love may have something to do with it, but that sounded like a joke. It seemed to make women mad, too.

Kurenai: "Sex is how women say sorry after making a mistake. Sex is also how men prove they are the weaker sex. Over and over again..." She
sighed, walking away while muttering to herself and shaking her head.

Information obtained: The sex is used as an apology, and makes women stronger than men. Over and over again.

Iruka: "Where the hell did that come from? Uh...well, you see...sex is a special thing that a man and a woman do when they are deep in love, and want
to express their love for one another. Uh...you should probably get married before having sex, but you don't have to. Oh, also, make sure you wear
protection, Naruto! ...Yeah, I know you have to be naked to do sex, but...did you just say 'do sex'?"

Information obtained: You need to wear protective gear to do sex. How is that possible if you have to be naked, though? The sex sounds like a real
confusing mess, so far.

Anko: "Ha, ha, you really want to know? How about you come home with me and I'll show you?"

Information obtained: DO NOT go to Anko's house. She'll get naked and is hard to get away from. ...Chains and whips, apparently, play a role in
the dangerous activity known as the sex.

Gai: "Sex is the most youthful of all youthful things! Youthful young girls are like beautiful lotus blossoms, and it is the job of youthful young men
to un-blossom them! To spread the seeds of youth for the future generations to grow, and be even more youthful! It is a cycle, Naruto, a cycle of
youth."

Information obtained: Gai either has some really good weed, or some really bad crack.

Tsunade: "Ha! Ha, ha, ha...That is probably the funniest thing I have ever heard! Ha, ha...Oh, God, my stomach, ow...It's also kinda sad.
You're getting pretty old. Ask Shizune, she'll tell you."

Information obtained: It's sad that I don't know what the sex is.

Shizune: "Well, sex is how babies are made. Moms and dads, when they decide they're ready, have sex so that the woman gets pregnant, and haves the
baby nine months later. ...You don't know how to have sex? ...Uh...I have a...thing I need to go do. Right now, see ya!"

Information obtained: Babies are made because of the sex. Not sure how that happens, but ok. Maybe it's one of the diseases that the old lady
mentioned that causes women to get pregnant? That was a disease he seriously didn't want to get. The risk for men must be low, because he had never seen a
pregnant man. Lastly, Shizune runs really, really fast.

Genma: "How Shizune vents. ...Dammit, forget I said that! No, really, forget about that, seriously! Here, money for lunch, my treat. Please, don't
repeat that, ever!"

Information obtained: The sex is used to vent. Also, it is a good way to get free things. Like lunch! Altering question to test this theory.

Question: How much does sex cost? Answer received:

Asuma: "Depends on the girl. Some want a forty dollar date, others want a trip to some islands, or something. Thing is, sex never comes free.
There's always some kind of strings attached to it, she always wants something. That's a pretty good question to be asking so young, kid, I'm
impressed."
Information obtained: Girls do the sex with people because they want something. I wonder if guys do that, too? Maybe I could do the sex
with a girl so she buys me ramen... But how can you give the sex to someone for a present if they only do it with you if they want something from you? The sex
is full of messed up logic

-------------------------------------------------------

Kakashi nodded a little, reaching into his ninja gear bag and pulling out a tape, which he handed to Naruto, "I figured it would come to this, so I was
prepared. That will explain everything. That's all I'm going to say."

"'Night of the Ninja, the Second Coming'?" Naruto read the title aloud, wondering why the box for it was completely black. No pictures or
description or anything.
"Uh-huh. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of avoiding you to do now, so I'll be leaving,"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[zojojojo]

“Okay… if I may? If I may, I would just like to point out a few things here,” Shinji says at the tactical briefing called upon the discovery of the latest Angel.

“Ahem. A list should suffice. One: we have never found an Angel before it attacked us, much less in an apparently dormant and embryonic state. Two: this Angel is in possibly the most hostile location on the planet, over a thousand feet beneath the surface of an active volcano, surrounded by molten rock where it will be a challenge to know whether the crushing pressure or the intense heat will destroy something first. Three: the Type-L equipment will not work under such conditions, because we would be going into boiling hot magma, a significant point considering that the Type-L was designed to counter the increasing power of the Angels. Four: boiling hot magma is incredibly dense and would thus impede motion massively. Five: the Evas are not physically dense enough to actually sink into boiling hot magma, so to actually get down that deep would require extra dense weights to be added, which would impair movement even more than the sort of heavy armour required to actually survive while surrounded on all sides by boiling hot magma. Six: the last report from the probe said that the Angel was sinking deeper into the boiling hot magma. Seven: boiling hot magma!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3946501/9/Thousand_Shinji
-Z, Post-reader at Medium
----
If architects built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

[Jenova Silverstar]

A comment that appeared on the Anime Addventure:

"People say there are many forces behind Jusenkyo, but I know the truth. The last words ever spoken here before it was formed was by a young mage. He
said 'I wonder what'll happen when I mix these two potions together' followed by 'Oh shit--', and then there was Jusenkyo."




"That's it?" asked the surprised visitor.




"Better than radioactive bird shit from Jusendo."

comment
thread
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
--Dr. Seuss

[ECSNorway]

"That... that was Darth Vader?" Lieska asked as she followed Len
and Emmy to the Hydrargyrum.
"In the flesh," Emmy replied, and did not add out loud, And
rather more of it than when I last saw him...
"I thought he was evil," said Lieska. "And -dead.-"
"It's a long story," Emmy told her.

Fulcrum of Fate IV
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Morganite]

Anyway….

BEGIN THE TRAINING MONTAGE!

…I wish.

Why the hell does Rocky get his weeks of Hell compressed into a three minute scene accompanied by inspirational music, but I, Arisawa Tatsuki, a girl who could beat Rocky with one hand, must struggle through mine the old fashioned way? I want justice!

... What's this from? >.>

-Morgan. Attribution, like context, matters!

[ECSNorway]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3564037/1/Chivalry

Chivalry, by RandomOneShot.
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[yesilmavi]

from a ranma fic
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3641239/4/Dark_Contracts

"Hmm... looks like it's time for the next lesson. Come, Akane... attack me from whatever direction you wish."

"Fine by me! Raaagh!"

"Take this. Strike of the Gorgon!"

Ranma seemed to drift past Akane's wild blows.

"Ha... 'Gorgon', huh? It doesn't seem like your attack does anything... eh?"

"Au contraire, my foolish student. Listen closely... don't you feel any different?"

Akane paused. Now that it was mentioned... her hair felt heavier. Her eyes widened and she paled.

"Hohoho... I see you've realized the terror of the Gorgon Strike. Taking an opportunity to strike fear into the heart of one's opponent, by rapidly braiding live snakes into their hair!"

The snakes began hissing noisily as they started to come out of their daze, thrashing to escape.

"KYAAAAH!"

"Heh. It's all part of your training."

"Ranma-san, dinner."

"Ah, it's so yummy!"

"Hey... Don't start without me!"

"Get them off mee!"

[zojojojo]

"See those kunai?" I asked, pointing to another rack. "They're the result of combining a minor contract with my shifted-focus kunai and a few other things. If you focus a bit of chakra and throw them, they'll summon a cow about ten meters above where they hit. They come in two varieties: exploding and non-exploding."

"The kunai?"

"No, the cows."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3964630/4/Appreciation
-Z, Post-reader at Medium
----
If architects built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

[itsune9tl]

From "The Seavixen" By Simon Barber Found Zipped up here.
    [ ... Smoke and flame across what had been a thriving city an hour earlier. High above, revelling in the thermals wheeled three pterodactyl-like creatures, each larger than a Boeing 707, or even a Rutan Leviathan...
    Dug into the hot rubble, the last rocket batteries and radar-like Eximers were fighting a losing battle as the beasts from Ogosowara pounded blast after psychokinetic blast.
    His uniform in scorched shreds, the young Lieutenant Maziwa had staggered into the surviving Command vehicle.
    "Sir !" he had gasped "We can't stop them ! Our weapons are having no effect !"
    The General had raised one eyebrow. For a few seconds he sat looking at the tattered figure. Finally he spoke.
    "You're new here .... aren't you ?"   ]

[Ebony]

Hey, Simon Barber's stories. Those are pretty fun. Plush toys as unspeakable Lovecraftian horrors.
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com

"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."

[Star Ranger4]

Zojojojo wrote:

---

"See those kunai?" I asked, pointing to another rack. "They're the result of combining a minor contract with my shifted-focus kunai and
a few other things. If you focus a bit of chakra and throw them, they'll summon a cow about ten meters above where they hit. They come in two
varieties: exploding and non-exploding."




"The kunai?"




"No, the cows."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3964630/4/Appreciation

Someone familary with curse of the Fanboys I see....
Hear that thunder rolling till it seems to split the sky?
That's every ship in Grayson's Navy taking up the cry-
NO QUARTER!!!
-- "No Quarter", by Echo's Children

[ECSNorway]

Everything was clean.

He was clearly in the wrong house. Then again, he reasoned, that was his table, and those had been his pattern of sheets on the bed. It was his apartment, but it was clean. It had to be an alternate dimension. Any moment now, it would turn out that he was the only ninja in Konoha, because the rest of the people he knew were pirates in this dimension. Somehow, the idea of Kakashi wearing an eye patch, a high collared jacket covering his face, with a rapier at his side seemed to fit way too easily. The rest of the scene came together easily. Sakura might have pretended to be a boy, except that everyone saw her pink hair and just humored her. Sasuke would be a broody, bad-tempered son of a (and he searched for an equivalent to the big clans in Konoha) Navy captain, but ran away with pirates anyway.

"But, how can I be a pirate?," he found his mouth mumbling while his mind strained to catch up, "I have two legs and I don't have a parrot."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3598487/7/A_Twist_of_Chance
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Shay Guy]

Leaves in the the Wind has some good bits. This one's from chapter 6:

“Careful, Sakura!” A young woman scolded. “We don’t want anyone to know we’re here.”

“Easier said than done, Tenten; if the Hyuuga use their Byakugan they’ll see us for sure and that Toph girl can feel vibrations with her feet!” Sakura shot back.

“That just means that it’s that much more important for us to stay still and quiet Sakura. Don’t worry I’ve done this before.” Tenten reassured her.

“When?” The pink haired kunoichi asked seriously.

“Whenever I spy on Neji while he’s bathing.” Tenten confided.

“I’m ashamed of you two.” A male voice replied.

“Who’s there?” Tenten and Sakura whispered in apprehension.

“It’s me, Iruka-sensei. I’m ashamed of you two. I taught you both stealth expecting you to use it for the greater good of the village; not as some sort of means toward spying on boys in the nude.” The ninja instructor reprimanded.

“Sorry sensei.” The two replied in unison. Several minutes passed as the no one said a word. Finally, it was Sakura that broke the silence.

“Um, sensei? Why are you here?” The girl asked innocently.

“I heard Naruto had a date and I wanted to see how things were going for him.” Iruka confessed. “Naruto’s always been like a little brother to me.”

“Aw, that’s sweet.” Tenten said from her hiding spot.

“Will you three PLEASE shut up?!” Someone else piped in. “You’re supposed to be shinobi!”

“Master?” Sakura said fearfully at hearing the familiar voice.

“Tsunade-sama!” Iruka said standing at attention.

“Tsunade?!” Jiraiya said standing as well, looking over at an innocuous looking tree.

“Jiraiya?!” Tsunade said poking her head out of the tree. “What are you doing here?”

“Research.” Jiraiya said shrugging. “Iruka isn’t the only one that wants to see Naruto become a man.”

“That is not why I’m here.” Iruka said indignantly. “I’m here because I’m concerned about Naruto. You’re only here because you want to SEE Naruto become a man.”

“Like I said… research.” Jiraiya said holding up one of his perverted books.

“Tsunade-sama can we leave now?” Someone else said.

“Shut up Shizune.” Tsunade scolded.

“Just exactly how many of us are here?” Kakashi said poking his head out of the ground.

“Ino here!” Ino said from her hiding place.

“Could you people please keep it down?! They’ll be here any minute.” Tsunade managed to whisper with the general effect of a yell.

A brief rustle of the leaves as if stirred by the wind was the only indication of the other ninja ducking back into their positions. All was quiet in the garden for several moments.

“Nine, by the way.” Jiraiya said from his hiding place.

“What?” Tsunade answered from somewhere in the trees.

“There are nine of us here.” Jiraiya explained. “Kakashi asked how many of us there were.”

“No there isn’t, there’s only eight.” Tsunade argued back. “Kakashi, Sakura, Tenten, Ino, Iruka, Shizune, me, and you, makes eight.”

“You forgot the sound ninja assassin. He crept in after I did and started hiding over there by the wall. He’s been doing a pretty good job of it so far I might add.” Jiraiya explained.

“Well of course he’s here. I thought you were just talking about us.” Tsunade griped.

“I wonder what he’s doing here.” Sakura wondered naively. “Shouldn’t somebody ask him?”

“No need.” Akinori said standing up. He stepped from the bushes and started walking towards the rope ladder he’d strung over the wall for his escape. Orochimaru had wanted the Uzumaki boy killed with the promise of anyone succeeding in the task becoming one of his ‘special favorites’. This however was too much. “I’ll just show myself out. I didn’t think there’d be so many witnesses on what was supposed to be a ‘private’ outing.”

“How rude.” Tsunade sniffed.

“I feel sorry for Orochimaru.” Jiraiya agreed. “It’s so hard to find young people willing to see these things through to the end anymore.”

---

Pronounced "shy guy."

[Valles]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3428015/2/T ... _Timelines Haruhi fic says:

It
was an afternoon like any other. Which meant, of course, that if you
were, like myself, trapped in a bizarre, officially unrecognized,
rag-tag club consisting of Agent Smith’s niece, Aphrodite and
Cronus’ lovechild, Edgar Cayce’s clone, all commanded by God’s
own evil twin sister, then you have as bad luck as I do.

===========

===============================================
"V, did you do something foolish?"
"Yes, and it was glorious."

[Jenova Silverstar]

Looking at Flonne's imaginative outfit, Hatake Kakashi giggled at how Naruto's life was starting to resemble one of his favorite literary works,
"Icha Icha: Touched by an Angel."

Too bad the only volume he had bothered to pack on this mission was the hardbound edition of "Icha Icha: Chained to a Radiator."

From Hell on Earth
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
--Dr. Seuss

[Shepherd]

"Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a
lifetime!" - Belkar, Order of the Stick #612 www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0612.html
----------------------------------------------------

"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV

[itsune9tl]

Shepherd wrote:

---

"Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a
lifetime!" - Belkar, Order of the Stick #612 www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0612.html

Belkar and Schlock need to meet up, trade stories, and kill random people.

[Ebony]

Shepherd wrote:

---

"Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a
lifetime!" - Belkar, Order of the Stick #612 www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0612.html

I'm starting to think that, except for the Bagginses, all truly memorable halflings are sociopaths.
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com

"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."

[itsune9tl]

Ebony wrote:

---

Shepherd wrote:

---

"Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a
lifetime!" - Belkar, Order of the Stick #612 www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0612.html

I'm starting to think that, except for the Bagginses, all truly memorable halflings are sociopaths.

Bilbo was a Thief, An Old Successful Thief.

Frodo, on the other hand, was adopted.

[Necratoid]

That really depends on if you include kenders under the category of halflings.