ROTFL, Part II

[Norgarth]

OKay, this 'Twist of Chance' sounds interesting, link please?__________________
"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it." - Terry Pratchett
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Valles]

Twist of Chance

===============================================
"Reseeestunce ees fiutil. Yoo weeel bee Useemooletud. Borg Borg Borg."
===========

===============================================
"V, did you do something foolish?"
"Yes, and it was glorious."

[Angryoptimist]

From Reclaiming Life:

---

The Jounin was well enough that he accompanied Tazuna all day but didnt help with the bridgework. Naruto told his teammates that hed take a short nap and join them at the bridge to practice. He fell asleep with a smile at how nice this mission was turning out to be. He woke up when he heard Tsunami scream.
It startled him awake instantly. That wasnt a playful scream or a happy scream. It had been fearful, scared.

---

HAPPY SCREAM-----------------
Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, when he said, "I drank what?"
- Chris Knight, Real Genius

• XKCD #1288
  
• FoxReplace for Firefox

Two great tastes that go great together!

[Norgarth]

From 'A Twist of Chance'
***********
Everything was clean.
He was clearly in the wrong house. Then again, he reasoned, that was his table, and those had been his pattern of sheets on the bed. It was his apartment, but it was clean. It had to be an alternate dimension. Any moment now, it would turn out that he was the only ninja in Konoha, because the rest of the people he knew were pirates in this dimension. Somehow, the idea of Kakashi wearing an eye patch, a high collared jacket covering his face, with a rapier at his side seemed to fit way too easily. The rest of the scene came together easily. Sakura might have pretended to be a boy, except that everyone saw her pink hair and just humored her. Sasuke would be a broody, bad-tempered son of a (and he searched for an equivalent to the big clans in Konoha) Navy captain, but ran away with pirates anyway.
"But, how can I be a pirate?," he found his mouth mumbling while his mind strained to catch up, "I have two legs and I don't have a parrot."
**********
Thanks for the link Valles. __________________
"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it." - Terry Pratchett
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Bob Schroeck]

---

So we need to find her a dating agency that offers sane, well-groomed, non-jerky Demi-Gods that dont object to playing second-fiddle to strong-willed feminist Slayer/Old-One cross-breeds? Buffy stated. Tall order she noted.
Illyria sighed. It may be a /very/ long time before I have grandchildren she agreed.
Must be nice to be immortal so thats not a problem Buffy responded.
Doesnt suck Illyria agreed.

---

from Compelled to Play the Great Game, Chapter 8-- Bob
---------
One of the primary differences between the Left and the Right is their attitude toward the Future. The Radical wants the Future to have gotten here yesterday. The Reactionary wants the Future quietly shot and the corpse buried where no one can find it.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[drakensis]

---

Now, hold on, he said reasonably. I realize that youre both mad at me, and you have every right to be. But you should also keep in mind that youre just as much to blame for this as I am. They both hissed at him. Think about it, Harry continued quickly. If you two werent so obsessed with one-upping each other, then you would have told me to go stuff myself when I was trying to trick you into humiliating each other, and you never would have been here.
Their eyes flickered uncertainly as they contemplated that. Look at yourselves, he pressed on, Youre the smartest witches in the school, but youve been acting like complete idiots. You stood up the Ministry together, you even saved each others lives when we fought the Death Eaters last year, but you still act like wet cats in a sack whenever youre in the same room. Its stupid, and frankly it was starting to get on my nerves. I tried getting you to cooperate last year, and we all saw how well that worked out, so I figured that if you really wanted to fight each other, then I might as well let you have at it.
That was total bullshit, of course. Hed just wanted to see them rolling around naked in the mud. But it sounded good, and if they actually did learn a lesson from this, all the better.

---

- What Would Slytherin Harry Do?
D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.

[Shepherd]

As the students were filing out, Madame Pomphrey walked up to the staff table. Professor Flamel? If you or anyone else was wishing to see the birth of an abomination of life, were doing it now. The schools healer then left and went back to her ward.
Nicholas jumped out of his seat in excitement and was clapping his hands joyfully.
Hermione had Tonkss attention and asked, Professor Flamel? Why are you so excited?
Professor Granger, I have lived over six centuries. And in that time, I have seen puppies born, I have seen cesarean sections, and I have even seen men pregnant. But I am quite sure I have never seen a man receive a cesarean section while giving birth to a puppy.
Hermione looked on a little worriedly at her happily skipping colleague. Hey Tonks, you ever wonder how many paint fumes you would inhale over the course of nearly seven centuries of living?
Tonks just chuckled. Come on, Professor Hermy. You know you want to see this as much as I do.
Okay, but hold my hand. Im scared.
Me too Hermy, me too.

--Chapter 8 of "Where in the World is Harry Potter?"
www.fanfiction.net/s/2354...rry_Potter
----------------------------------------------------

"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV

[Norgarth]

A bit that came up in a silly thread on another board I frequent:
TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!!!
Aww man, not Arby's again.__________________
"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it." - Terry Pratchett
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[jpub]

Gentlemen, I give you the LolCat Bible Translation Project:
www.lolcatbible.com/index...=Main_Page

---

21. And Invisble Man created big fishies, which wuz like big caws, except they not mooed, and other stuffs that gives the mooves, n Invisible Man wuz plezed.
22. And Invisible Man sented them std::greetings, and stuff, so letz u be happy and stuff.
23. And so teh evning n the morning of the fifth day
24. And Invisible Man sayed, letz there me moar living stuff, mooes, and creepz, and otehr animuls, so tehre.
25. And Invisible Man doed moar living stuff, mooes, and creepies, and otehr animuls, and did not eated tehm.
26. And Invisible Man sayed, letz us do min like uz, becuz we is teh cute, n let min has dominion and stuff.
27. So Invisible Man createded min and womin, min an womin wuz created, but he did not eated tehm.
28. And Invisible Man sented them std::greetings, so teh fornicate and teh multiplyers, and haz teh dominion on teh waterz, no waterz and the firmmint, and every thingz and stuff.
29. And Invisible Man sayed, Yo, Beholdt, I has the earths, I has it, and I has not eated it.
30. For evry createded stuff tehre are the foodz, to the burdies, the creepiez, and the mooes, so tehre.
31. And Invisible Man sawed that he is teh Min, and, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthx bai.

---

--
Christopher Angel, aka JPublic
The Works of Christopher Angel
"Camaraderie, adventure, and steel on steel. The stuff of legend! Right, Boo?"

[Bob Schroeck]

'Scuse me whilst I raise myself up from the floor upon which I have fallen laughing.-- Bob
---------
One of the primary differences between the Left and the Right is their attitude toward the Future. The Radical wants the Future to have gotten here yesterday. The Reactionary wants the Future quietly shot and the corpse buried where no one can find it.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Norgarth]

Another hilarious Girl Genius strip:
www.girlgeniusonline.com/...e=20071005
The second last panel broke me. (the previous strip was pretty good too)__________________
"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it." - Terry Pratchett
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[drakensis]

"And to reward you," she continued, "we are willing to trade your freedom for his capture."
The scientist seemed to consider this only briefly, which was far longer than Pleakley thought was necessary to decide such a thing. "Six-Two-Six will not come easily... maybe a direct hit from plasma cannon might stun him long enough to--"
Plasma cannon? Stun? What kind of creature was this thing which was so obviously on its way to ravage a defenseless wildlife preserve?
"Plasma cannon granted. Do we have a bargain, Doctor Jumba?"
Pleakley finally got his mouth in gear. "B-b-but it's a delicate planet!" He lowered his voice. "Who's going to control him?" Plasma cannon indeed!
"You will."
Oh, well that was a relief. "Very good, Your Highness, I..." Wait, he would? "I... didn't quite... Uh, you're not joking!"
The Grand Councilwoman was gone, though, leaving the agent alone with the convicted mad scientist. "So, tell me, my little one-eyed one," Jumba began, leaning toward Pleakley rather uncomfortably close, "On what poor, pitiful, defenseless planet has my monstrosity been unleashed?"
"Uh... it's, uh... it's uh..."
Jumba slapped him across the back. "I have never heard of Uhitsaitsa, but I am hoping for to not destroy more than half of it!"
It was then that Pleakley realized his career was finished.
- A Stitch in Time
D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.

[ECSNorway]

Someone pointed to Muggle Summer over in the Updates thread, and I sat down to read...

---

Brian looked over at Fred (his Phoenix One wizard buddy), who already had one hand on his broom.
Coming? Fred asked.
Brian shook his head as he turned the laser pointer on. With all the smokenow shooyou'll be in charge at the rendezvous point.
Fred nodded and patted Brian's shoulder. Keep your head low, he said, before jumping onto his broom. He then swooped down to the South, away from the Death Eaters and over the backyards of Little Wiz towards the prearranged meeting point.
Meanwhile, Brian looked down the street towards the pack of Death Eaters that was too arrogant (or too stupid) to spread out. He aimed his laser beam at a pointy hat within the crowd and voiced an authorization code into his transmitter.
One-hundred and thirty kilometers away, within an unmarked warehouse on a nearly abandoned airbase, an RAF pilot on loan to MI-5 toggled cross-hairs over a bright red spot and pushed a button on his computer joystick. He watched his LCD display with satisfaction as a five-hundred pound laser-guided bomb cleared the struts of a remote-controlled drone aircraft that had been circling Little Whinging and started it's fifty-thousand foot descent.
Following a long-standing tradition of aircraft bombers and artillery men, the bomb casing exterior had short, hand-written messages for the intended targets. One side said Don't Mess with Muggles, while the other was a tad blunter:
Hocus Poke This Up Your Arse!

---

--
"I give you the beautiful... the talented... the tirelessly atomic-powered...
R!
DOROTHY!
WAYNERIGHT!
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Shepherd]

www.fanfiction.net/s/3488198/6/What_If
What If? by Rorschach's Blot
--------------------------------------------------
"Gai sensei, I do mean to sound unyouthful, but if I don't get the chance to spend some time with some females in a manner involving close contact other then fighting there is the definite possibility that I may shatter all my gates and impregnate half of the village. May I please know the line you use?" Lee asked intently.
"Of course, my youthful student. I'm sorry I didn't tell you it before, it was an unforgivable lapse on my part. Simply walk into the nearest bar and say, "I can do a hundred push ups with my tongue. Anyone wanna see? The girls will flock to you like Naruto to ramen."
"Hai, Gai-Sensi!" Lee radiated energy, seeming to vibrate in place. "I must go test this technique."
The flare of chakra gates opening blinded everyone and when they blinked their vision clear, Lee was gone.
Neji snorted. "And what will happen when they discover he can't do 100 push ups with his tongue?"
Gai shrugged. "After 20 push ups they usually shred whatever you are wearing and jump you, so it's really never come up. Lee is a hard worker, but he still can only do 95 before tiring. I have faith that he will manage to get 100 before the year is out, so a little fib really isn't that unyouthful."
Tenten stood there drool leaking from the corner of her mouth with a glazed look in her eyes. "N-Ninety f-f-five?"
Neji stared. "That is part of the youthful training regiment you two do after the team meetings?"
Gai nodded. "Of course. It is only fitting that as your Jonin I do my best to help you succeed in life and picking up women is one of the things all young males should know."
"I am blazing with the power of youth!" Neji shouted. "Time to train!"
--------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------

"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV

[ECSNorway]

The Power of the Press...

---

A loud alarm sounded in the cabin and the Commander floated over to a console. He frowned and activated his microphone.
Houston, Atlantis, we show an object coming up from astern, distance 100 nautical miles and closing at 600 mph.
Atlantis, Houston. We not showing anything on our scope here.
Houston, Atlantis, activating rear cameras. Stand by for video feed.
Roger.
There was a moment of silence as everyone examined the monitors in growing confusion.
Houston, Commander McMonagle here. Have the Russians started skimping on their MIR program?
Atlantis, say again.
Houston, we're being overtaken by a lawn chair, came the sardonic reply. We can see it clearly in the telephoto view.
The speakers remained silent for a few minutes.
Atlantis, our experts down here don't agree with your assessment. They don't think it's a Russia lawn chair. Perhaps it's Chinese.
Commander McMonagle looked at shuttle pilot Curtis Brown and shook his head. Who knew NASA has experts on lawn chairs?

---

--
"I give you the beautiful... the talented... the tirelessly atomic-powered...
R!
DOROTHY!
WAYNERIGHT!
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[ECSNorway]

Faith, upon meeting Thor for the first time:

---

"And speaking of insertion, what's this about anal probing? Because I don't care what you've heard, that's at least the second date with me"

---

From Snake Charming--
"I give you the beautiful... the talented... the tirelessly atomic-powered...
R!
DOROTHY!
WAYNERIGHT!
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[itsune9tl]

Voice 1: "We have the technology. We can rebuild him, make him stronger, faster..."
Voice 2: "I thought we were just going to part him out."

---

Overheard at the Anime Discover Project while watching the first episode of "Hayate the Combat Butler."

[jpub]

THe Many Lives of Xander Harris, an 18-part drabble series.
m-mcgregor.livejournal.com/114528.html

---

Fourteen - Highlander
There can be only one!
Swordfights: everywhere!

---

--
Christopher Angel, aka JPublic
The Works of Christopher Angel
"Camaraderie, adventure, and steel on steel. The stuff of legend! Right, Boo?"

[ECSNorway]

From a random file of Naruto: Team 8 omake that someone posted to the author's yahoo ml:

---

The Sound ninjas somehow managed to find two teams who had knocked
each other out and so got to the tower with both scrolls. This just
left one little problem...
"That guy" the Chunin pointed to Dosu "is dead."
"It's just chakra depletion!" Kin answered.
"He's dead. I know Zombie no jutsu when I see it."
"No he isn't."
"He's dead. Kicked the bucket. Departed the mortal coil. Joined the
_really_ invisible village. He's EX-nin."
"He's just pining!" Zaku explained as he used ventriloquism to mimic
Dosu saying "I'm fine" and nudging his body with what was left of his
hand. Dosu's head lolled around just like a healthy, not-dead heads
don't.
"You're disqualified. Besides you," he pointed to Zaku "can't fight
anyway."
"Yes I can!"
"What's that then?"
"Just a flesh wound."
"You got no arms left!"
"I've had worse!"
"...You're lying."
"I'M INVINCIBLE!"
Then a giant purple foot smashed the trio.
"We'll just take their scrolls then, OK?" Ikari Shinji asked as he
dismissed his Summon-Evangelion-Boot-To-The-Head no jutsu.
"'kay."

---

Later...

---

"Next match... Osaka-san versus Gaara? Didn't he already fight?"
"Can I make sand castles?"
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"No!"
"Ok, I give up then."
"...That was anticlimatic. (koff) Winner: Gaara. Next... Sergeant
Sagara Sousuke and Sasuke again, for some reason we shall blissfully
ignore."
Sagara Sousuke marches to the arena in the Arbalest, which
immediately goes invisible.
"He has a mecha! Not fair!" Naruto cries
"It's a ninja mecha, so it is a valid ninja tool."
"No, I mean, why don't we get mechs?"
"Err..." Hokage sweated. "Look! An obvious distraction!"
"Where?"
"Um, Sasuke can't fight, he's hospitalised." Sakura points out.
"Damn, foiled again!" thought Orochimaru. Then he performed Time Warp no jutsu.

---

--
"I give you the beautiful... the talented... the tirelessly atomic-powered...
R!
DOROTHY!
WAYNERIGHT!
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[DHBirr]

Seen as a sig on another forum, in a context that made it clear it was an Evangelion reference:

---

"A twenty-nine year-old woman having her way with a fourteen year-old boy? This is perversion! This is ephebophilia!"
"Ephebophilia? This is SHOTA!"

---

-----
Gentlemen, it has long been my conviction that all citizens should provide services for which their talents best suit them in support of those who have been called to duty. In the case of politicians such as yourselves, that would be target practice.
-----
Big Brother is watching you.  And damn, you are so bloody BORING.

[Shepherd]

---

Bet you weren't expecting Kakashi!
Nobody expects the Pervert Inquisition! Their main weapon is porn. Porn and a Sharingan eye. Their two main weapons are...
Chapter 5 of Interest by Missed Nin

---

"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM ofthe Rings XXXV
----------------------------------------------------

"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV

[drakensis]

---

Zaraki-taicho! She leapt to her feet, bowing smoothly from the neck. Can I help you?
He made another low rumbling noise, the growling of a meditative volcano. Ise, right?
She nodded. The lack of honorifics didnt particularly bother her. After a century of being Nanao-chan, she could handle being just Ise.
Im looking for a book.
Nanao stifled her first, uncharitable thoughtHe knows how to read?and said cautiously, Any particular book?
He rubbed the back of his neck, and contrived to look vaguely uncomfortable. Hmmmm. He held up a slip of paper. This one. Its in the card catalog, but not on the shelves.
Nanao silently cursed the gods that had caused her to miss the sight of Zaraki using the card catalog. She extended a hand. May I?
He gave her a wary lookwary? Zaraki? What in the name of the thousand gods is going on?and held out the scrap of paper. Nanao took it. In clear, if somewhat blocky handwriting, it read Everybody Wets The Bed Sometimes, Smith & Goldberg, 62035.75

---

- Love and the Art of War
D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.

[Bob Schroeck]

---

"I once tried to find out how many Babbits I could make, but gave up when I lost count."
"There were one hundred and forty four of us at the time."
"That sounds kinda gross."
"Exactly," Babbit responded to Aya.

---

-- from "Sana's Alice", chapter 1, by Henry Cobb, from the FFML

-- Bob
---------
I intend to be a freak for the rest of my life, and I shall baffle you with cabbages and rhinoceroses in the kitchen and incessant quotations from Now We Are Six through the mouthpiece of Lord Snooty's giant poisoned electric head. So theeeeeere....

[ECSNorway]

---

and there was the lean Vulcan face of Surel, the lead singer of the Illogics (formerly Cthia, formerly the Illogics), the galaxy's hottest all-Vulcan hard rock band. (And, amazingly enough, not the only one.)

---

--
"I give you the beautiful... the talented... the tirelessly atomic-powered...
R!
DOROTHY!
WAYNERIGHT!
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[robkelk]

What is that from???
-Rob Kelk
"Actually, my goal is to write neat stories. The money just makes it possible for me to write them faster and then buy neat toys."
Ryk E. Spoor, 7 November 2007
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012